For These Things, I Have Prayed

It's been a minute since I last posted. Life became overwhelming. Since my last blog post, I became engaged, got married, moved out of my parents house and began a new life. Just a few small things. Times have been trying and times have been so so good. I recently read a quote that sparked my desire to write again. The quote said, "I still remember the days I prayed for the things I have now". I don't know who said it, but it stopped me dead in my tracks. I have been swallowed whole by the business of my life for so long that I failed to stop and see what was in front of me.

For years I sat in tears watching my friends so happy with their relationships, getting engaged, getting married, starting families. I begged God to bring me someone who would love me in that way. His answer was not one that I liked. I felt like I waited a lifetime to feel what I feel now. However, things are done in His time, not mine. Through all of these years of learning how to pray and how to spend quality time with the Lord, I still have yet to learn patience. I pray and expect MY answer to come right away, and when the answer doesn't, I become discouraged.

For those of you reading this, still waiting for your desire to be filled, be patient. I say that to you, as much as to myself. I hate cliche sayings and people telling me that good comes to those who wait. Valentine's Day was yesterday and I sat there with my very own forever Valentine, thinking of the times when I was so lonely. When I thought that I needed a man to fill that void. It took letting God fill that void for Him to finally bring my husband and I together. Our story is a little wild, but I'll save that for a rainy day.

I'm here to tell you that even being married you do not lose those memories and those feelings that came during your period of waiting. I can still feel those feelings, and I can still remember that broken girl. In some ways, I am still that broken girl, but by waiting for God and His plan, I have a broken man who works with me and grows with me in the love that Christ has put between us. I prayed for years that God would bring a man into my life that would love me the way that He intended me to be loved. I prayed for a man that could somehow love all of me, the good, the bad and the broken. I wanted a quick fix, and when that didn't come I was devastated.

Here I am today, in a home full of love with a man that I do not deserve. There are still so many struggles. We are just starting out, and I'm going to be honest here and tell you that being in love doesn't mean that you won't struggle and have SO MANY challenges (I was kind of naive with certain parts of life). Sometimes, it's been easy to get lost in the challenges that life is throwing at us right now, and forget that I am literally living the life that I prayed for. Each moment is a gift, no matter what comes at us, this is what my heart desired for so long and I have had to stop myself and remember that this is an answered prayer. This is God's timing and it's so much better than my own and I don't say that lightly (there were many points when I would cry out and let Him know that I believed His timing was stupid).

While you are in a season of waiting, do NOT give up hope. Whether your heart has just been broken for the tenth time, or the pregnancy tests continue to say negative, or you have lost yet another baby, or your child is telling you that they hate you or people are dying, hang on. Turn to the one who can mend your brokenness and who can carry you through this time. There is a verse that someone shared with me while I was going through my season of waiting and heartache. It's a common verse that is given often as a verse of hope.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'". That verse spoke volumes to me, but it was actually the following two verses that led me through that season, and continue to lift me up.

Jeremiah 29:12-13 says, "Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart". That hit my heart hard. When you feel like He's not listening, He has promised that He is. He has promised that He is there. That was more comforting than knowing He held my future. You may disagree, but for someone who had felt lonely and fed up, those verses gave me the strength to keep praying.

You can take all of these words as the words of a newlywed, or you can take them as the words of someone who is FINALLY living out an answered prayer. I was there, in some ways I still am there. Pleading for the desires that my heart still has. He has proven to me over and over that He hears me. Even in my times of doubt, He HEARS me when I cry out to Him, and He hears you too.

The Water's Edge

When I woke up this morning I rolled out of bed and walked to the bathroom. I turned on the light and saw my reflection. I was not amused by what I saw. My face was splotchy and oily. I felt gross. I stood there trying to figure out just how much makeup it would take for me to feel comfortable enough to show my face in public. I applied layer after layer trying to hide all of the blemishes that appeared while I was sleeping.

Keeping that in mind, let's fast forward a few hours. My mom and I headed to the beach. As many of you know, I am not a beach goer, but time to time, I will grab a good book and admire another aspect of God's creation. When I stepped off the stairs onto the sand, I was disgusted. I very much prefer sand that is soft and smooth. This sand was covered with dried up seaweed, shells, pieces of wood and cigarette butts. I carefully walked around each piece of debris until I found a clear enough space to stop and sit.

I tried to kick the sand around to cover up some of the "grossness" that was under my feet before I laid the blanket down. When I finally laid it down, I sat and looked out at the ocean. It was beautiful and peaceful. There was a blanket of fog still in the air, with a hint of sun peaking through the clouds. It really was a wonderful sight. That sight is the reason that I try to make one trip to the beach each year. I decided to be adventurous (my own kind of adventurous) and walk down to the water.

 Right at the waters edge there is more sand of course, but that sand appears smooth and clean. I found myself a nice spot to stand right between two fisherman who couldn't be bothered by my odd observations. As soon as I took a step onto the wet sand, my feet sank in. However, the sand that I thought was soft and clean, was just covering up hundreds of tiny rocks. The water had washed sand up and over the rocks, covering them. All it took was a little pressure and the blemishes were revealed.

I stood there for a few minutes, sinking into the pile of rocks under the sand. Here's what came to my mind. We spend so much time covering things up. Whether that's outward appearance like I had spent my morning doing, or trying to make sure your kids are well behaved in public. We want to look as if we have our lives together even when they aren't. We try to hide the blemishes and the faults, saving those for when we are alone. I will be the first one to admit that I do it all the time. Sometimes without even realizing what I'm doing. I smile when I'm not happy, I paint makeup on my face on to hide the fact that I haven't slept in days and I make sure that I'm always dressed up even though I would rather be in pajamas.

Here's the thing, before I even took a step on that sand, the Lord knew that those rocks were hidden under the sand. He saw right through it. He sees through every layer of makeup I put on, He sees through every fake smile, and every polished conversation. I have this tendency to want to hide my sin and my mistakes from God, just like I try to hide them from everyone else. I get stuck in my own mind thinking that I need to impress God. I need to be good enough, and nice enough, and pretty enough. As if He cares about those things. I attempt to keep my sin and my blemishes in a nice box in the corner. The thing is, it has a way of coming out.

Hebrews 4:13 says, Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable.

Did you catch that? Nothing in ALL creation is hidden. That means my little box in the corner, isn't hidden from Him, not even the pimple that I plastered with makeup is hidden from Him. He knows my thoughts before I think them and He knows what I am going to say before I say it. He sees each one of my flaws, yet He loves me. I am loved by the One who created me. It's something we hear often, but sometimes it strikes me as profound.

When I think about how much time and energy I spend trying to appear perfect, it's overwhelming. Why do we do that? Why do we feel the need to cover things up and make them appear beautiful?
The simple answer is that its the Enemy. He knows our weaknesses and our desires and he plays on them. It's time to stop. Stop hiding, because nothing is hidden from the Lord. He can see it all. Each one of us is beautiful in His eyes and loved beyond measure. It's time that we start acting like it.

Time of Reflection

I wrote this post on February 25, 2015. I was going through some old posts that I never posted and this was one of them. To give you a little context, this was written two days before the twins left us. I'm sharing this with you now, asking you to read all the way through because I'm going to update you on how God has been working in my life through this.

2.25.15 ---- In the car a couple of weeks ago I was thinking about everything that was happening with the kids and with my family. I honestly can say that I knew I needed prayer but I had no idea what to pray. We were trying to listen to the Christian radio station but of course it never really works. For a few seconds, however, it did work. The lyrics that I heard stopped me in my train of thought. The words were,

"I can barely stand right now, everything is crashing down, and I wonder where You are... I try to find the words to pray, I don't always know what to say but You're the one that can hear my heart, and even though I don't know what Your plan is, I know You make beauty from these ashes... I've seen joy and I've seen pain and on my knees I call Your name, here's my broken hallelujah, with nothing left to hold on to, I raise these empty hands to You, here's my broken hallelujah"

The reason that they struck me was because they explained exactly what I was feeling. At that moment I was reminded that God sees the pain in my life. I feel like I'm drowning some days, and I'm in a state of confusion for the rest of the days. In less than five days I will be saying goodbye to a part of myself. I know that God is in control and that He has a plan but when it comes down to it, I have questions just like everyone else. I do wonder sometimes where God is in this situation and I have wondered where He has been in other situations. The problem is that I'm not really looking for Him. I'm too busy being hurt and distraught.

When I sit at night with the girls and snuggle so many thoughts go through my head. Like why didn't I appreciate snuggling more, or why didn't I take the time to come home more often and put them on the bus, or take them out to dinner. I guess in my heart I always thought they would be mine forever. Again it goes back to my will verses God's will. When I hold them while they are crying and begging not to leave, I turn to God and I literally do not have the words to pray. I cannot form words in that state of mind. Its heartbreaking.

What I need to realize is that when I'm asking where God is, He has been right beside me the whole time. This song reminds me that although I think life is just full of pain, He has brought me joy out of terrible pain in the past. We all go through pain and loss, this isn't the first time for me. I've lost sisters before, friends have passed away and so has family. When it happens I'm lost in a sea of hurt and I really can't remember a time that was joyous.

No matter what is going wrong in my life, or who I'm losing, the one thing I can't do is turn my back on God. He is the one that makes my life beautiful and He is the one that can bring me through this pain. He will be the one to go with the twins and love them and be with them, because He is in their hearts. I take comfort in knowing that my Great Big God is with them when I cannot be. Sunday will be a battle for myself and anyone who knew the twins. Saying goodbye when no one involved has a choice in the matter, is harder than having a choice to say goodbye.

Each time that I have broken down these past few weeks, I am on my knees, and I want to pray but I don't even know what to pray for. I can't pray to keep them, I can't pray for a painless transition. What I can do is give God all of me, and everything I have. I do raise my empty hands and through the tears, and the hugs, and the peace, and the sorrow, I will always say my broken hallelujah. I am a broken person, I am a sinful person as we all are but God waits for us to cry out His name, and even if that's all I can get out, I give it all to Him. ---

I remember being in that broken place. I also remember what happened a few days later. I never thought I would get over that heart break. It has been more than two years since I wrote that. So many things have changed. There has been more loss and more pain, but there has been joy. When I didn't have the words to pray, the Lord knew what I needed. We have had two years to grow as a family, to heal and to bond. Each of us had to come together from our own broken places and watch as God made repairs.

During these two years, we were able to watch the twins get adopted by another Christian family who loves them. It was a bittersweet day. Our plans were vastly different from God's plan, but His plan is always better. I can now find comfort in knowing that they are where God wants them to be. I have been able to use what I learned through the twins, with kids that I work with at school. I am always drawn to the kids who remind me of the girls.

The Lord has been preparing me for each moment that has occurred since that loss. He used that pain for good. I won't pretend that the pain is gone. Any loss leaves it's mark, but what I can tell you is that it gets better. You won't be stuck in the broken, lonely place forever. There is a story being written by an Author who loves us. He uses every circumstance in our life for good. It may take a week, a month, two years or more, but His plan will be revealed to you. For me, it's still a work in progress, but healing has begun. I have the words to pray now. I am able to express what I need from Him.

A Peace That Passes Understanding

If you've ever been around young children for any period of time, you quickly learn that their favorite, and most annoying question they ask is, "why?". I can tell them to do anything, and they will automatically want to know why. Why am I asking them to do that? Why should they have to do that? Why is it important? I find myself getting frustrated and impatient when they questioning my reasoning for giving them a direction. Wouldn't it just be easier if they would follow through with what I have said? It would certainly be easier on me.

Over the past 6 or so years, I have documented some of the bigger dealings in my life through this blog. I have shared with you how the Lord has worked through those things, or is working through them to this day. Although I know that He has a plan, I still find myself going to Him like a child asking Him why? I see tragedy all around in the lives of those I love and care about and I turn to God and ask Him why. How does this plan make sense. I pester Him in prayer, asking over and over, why. Why should this be the way things are? Why would You (the Lord) allow this to happen? What do You expect us to do now? Just. Like. A. Child. I want to know why.

 Here's the honest truth, there are some tragedies in my life that have occurred, that I have now received an answer as to why they occurred. That's not the case with a lot of our lives. A lot of my "why's" haven't been answered, and I'm sure that many of yours haven't either. I used to feel such guilt every time I asked the Lord why. As if asking that meant that I didn't have enough faith in Him to get me through it. The awesome part about our loving Lord, is that we can come to Him with ANYTHING. That means that although I can't stand being asked "why" 50 times a day by kindergarteners, He can handle me asking Him why 600 times a day.

So here I am today, still asking Him why. Why did You take that man from his family at his young age? Why did you let those children be taken away from people who love them? Why did another relative get cancer and die? Why did her heart have to be broken? Why? I know that you have questions similar to mine, and so many more of your own "why" questions. Let me tell you this, He is listening. He sees you in the midst of this storm. He hears your crying and He loves you. It may not feel like it right now, but that's okay, because it's the truth.

I came across this quote recently that reads,
"Man asks why. Jesus asks how. Man asks, 'Why did this happen?' Jesus asks, 'How might My Father's glory be displayed through this situation?'" - Laura Story.

What if when we asked why, we also asked how. How will He use this for His glory. How many lives will be changed because of this situation? During our most recent loss, I found myself asking how instead of why. I can be very logical about certain things. When a loved one passes away, I like to know the medical logic behind the tragedy. It helps me make sense of why someone I love would need to leave their earthly bodies. Now I want to know how that loss, how that pain will be turned into good. How will the situation be used by the Lord.

Something I still struggle with is grasping that there are situations that we will never understand. It will never make sense to our human hearts. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Philippians 4:6. When I was reading it the other day, I read a little further into verse 7.

⁶Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. ⁷ Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

We aren't meant to understand everything, but when we don't understand, and when we are asking why, we can pray for a peace that passes all understanding. A peace that can only come from the Lord. That is where I will focus my prayer now when I am asking why, and not receiving an answer (or the kind of answer that I want). That is my challenge to you as well. While asking for understanding be ready to accept a peace that passes all understanding.

All of My Trust

For some time how the Lord has been nudging me to get back to writing my testimony. I've been ignoring that and telling myself that no one needs to hear about my little testimonies. I was reminded why I began this blog. It wasn't to preach, it wasn't to build myself up, it was to share what real life is like as a believer. It's messy and confusing and it's not always happy. As Christians we often believe that when we go through times of sorrow, we are not trusting the Lord enough. I mean, they say our joy has to come from the Lord, so how come I couldn't find that joy. That's how the enemy takes hold of us. Through lies like that. Over the past year, I have fallen into that thought process. I felt that I couldn't share my testimony because here I was, not being joyful. 

 

The Lord has been tugging on my heart, sometimes more clearly than other times. I'm going to share with you one thing that hit me pretty hard and has weighed heavy on me while trying to process what the Lord wants me to do with this information.

I attended a conference the other day, and the speaker began to talk about the eleven disciples heading to the mountain in Galilee . They were to wait there for Jesus. This is the place where He would give the Great Commission. Matthew 28:16-17 reads:

 

"Then the eleven disciples left for Galilee, going to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. When they saw Him, they worshiped Him, but some of them doubted". 

 

I was baffled by the last part of verse 17. They had been with Him for three years at that point. They had seen Him walk on water, heal the sick, feed the 5,000 and so many more miraculous things. To me I scoffed at the disciples. How dense can you be to see all of that and still not believe? I mean come on. I will be the first one to admit that I completely judged them for their doubt. I sat there feeling very self righteous, thinking to myself, that I would never have doubted Him if I were them.

 

Then it hit me. Conviction washed over me. I am one of them. I am a follower of Christ. For about two years now I've been actively writing down answered prayers. Recently I pulled out 12 pages of answered prayers. He has answered more than 400 prayers (of the ones I've written down) in two years. How blessed am I to have a God who listens to my pleas and answers. I will tell you that there are answers on those pages that I didn't like. However, I asked Him to answer. His will was done. How many times has God shown me His grace and His power.

With all of those answers, and all of the promises in His word, one would think that I would never doubt God. Yet weekly, I find myself asking Him to prove to me that He's going to do what He promised. I'm so thankful for a God who forgives. I'm also thankful for a God who loves me and puts up with my doubt. That is where unconditional love comes in. He has done nothing to lose my trust in Him. Just like the disciples that I so quickly judged and laughed at, I have been hesitant and doubtful. A change needs to occur in my heart. I have proof of His trustworthiness and it's time that I put ALL of my trust in Him. If you want proof that He fulfills His promises, get on your knees and pray. Then watch what He does because I can tell you that seeing Him work is the most incredible part of this life that we've been given.

You Are Enough

Lately, well I guess for a long time now, I've noticed a common statement that a lot of people make. Its the statement that they never feel like they are enough, whether that be, good enough, worth enough, special enough, noticed enough, loved enough etc. Its a peculiar thing, because being "enough" isn't really a by the book emotion, yet I myself feel that same feeling. I was wondering where it came from. At what age does a person begin to feel like they aren't enough? At what age did I begin to feel that I wasn't enough? I've watched and talked with some kids who in elementary school already feel like they are not enough. I've spoken to adults who feel the same way. There doesn't seem to be a particular age minimum or maximum for this feeling.

I grew up in a family where our parents tried their best to make sure that we were loved and cared for and wanted. Somewhere along the way though, that feeling began. It started small, and as time went on the feeling grew and it became a part of life. I began to feel like I would never be enough for anyone. Which is a dangerous, slippery slope. It's a struggle that I've tried so hard to get rid of but I just can't seem to shake it.

Maybe as you are reading this, you know exactly the feeling that I'm talking about. As I am writing this, so many things are going through my head. I'm already wondering if this post will be enough. If I will get my point across, or just end up sounding like a crazy person with an ability to type. I believe that its partly fear. I am so scared that I won't be enough for anyone, that I don't let anyone in. That way, they won't have the chance to make me feel like I'm not enough for them.

For a few weeks I have really waned to post something. I've had four different topic ideas, and as I began to write them, that fear crept in and took over. So they are all sitting in a draft folder waiting to be finished. As I was getting ready for bed, I was overthinking the week that passed and sat here wondering if I was ever enough for anyone this week. I worried that maybe I was too much of a burden, or that I required too much attention. Then it all washed over me. I was reminded that I am not alone in this battle. That I am not the only one that feels this way sometimes.

All of that sounds pretty depressing and grim, however there's more. There is one person who will never think that I am not enough. One person that I can be completely sure of. That person is the Lord. He accepts and loves us when we are at our best, and when we are at our worst. Even when I want to hide, I cannot hide from Him. He genuinely wants all of us. He gave me amazing parents who love me, but I know some of you don't have that, but you have a heavenly Father who wants you.

Satan loves to use the pain of this world to his advantage. Our sinful nature causes us to fall short, and falling short causes us to feel that we aren't enough. I am here to tell you that you are enough. We cannot fully understand what it means to be enough in this world. We cannot please everyone, and we cannot force others to constantly remind us that we are enough for them. However, God will always remind us that we are enough.

He loves us so much, right from the start. "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." -Psalm 139: 13-14. He hand crafted us long ago. When we hurt, He hurts with us, and when we are joyful, He celebrates with us. Things of this Earth will one day go away. These feelings that we get will be gone once and for all. So hang in there. His promises will be fulfilled. In the mean time know that you are always enough for God and remember that He is more than enough for you and me.

The most comforting thought for me, is that God knows when I am feeling like I am not enough. He is already there with me, finding ways to remind me of who He is and what He can do. He reminds me that I am enough for Him, and that if I hang on long enough, healing will come and the feeling will go away. Find your joy in the Lord and rest on His saving grace.

Thy Will Be Done

About 15 months ago I wrote a post about God will. Specifically His will in the lives of my two baby sisters. I told you all that my will was getting me no where and that I had to let His will be done (His will was going to be done no matter what but He was very patient with me as I tried to be in control). It has been an incredibly long road. I have tried to put into words, what this past year has been like emotionally and spiritually. I've worked so hard at continuing to build my relationship with God, but its time that I am honest about this aspect of my life. The best way to describe the journey so far is through the lyrics of a song by an artist named Hillary Scott.

"I'm so confused, I know I heard You loud and clear. So I followed through, somehow I ended up here. I don't want to think, I may never understand, that my broken heart is a part of your plan. When I try to pray, all I got is hurt and these four words, Thy Will Be Done ".

Since that day (and even before that day) I prayed for His will. I have had to learn that peace wont come through MY will being done, but rather through His will being done. Of course no one said that His will would be easy. He is the only one who can see the whole picture. Still, I prayed every single night since the day that I watched the car pull away with my sisters in it, that I would get to hug them even just one more time. Its been a confusing time, and one that I never wanted to experience. One that brought me to my knees and reminded me that I cannot do this on my own.

I never knew how to explain how I truly felt when everyone would ask how I was doing. Honestly I gave the same recorded answer. My favorite response has always been that I am fine, sometimes that's true and other times its not true at all. I would tell them that I know this is all in God's plan and that His will would be done. I heard a song on the radio recently that perfectly described what these past 15 months have been for myself and my family. We had to completely trust in the fact that God's will was being done.

Some asked me, how I know that I can trust God's will. Hillary Scott helped answer that question better than I could answer it. My answer was usually, just because He is so much greater than me and that His will has never failed me before.

"I know You're good, but this don't feel good right now. I know You think, things I could never think about. Its hard to count it all joy, distracted by the noise. Just trying to make sense, of all Your promises. Sometimes I gotta stop, remember that You're God and I am not so, Thy Will Be Done."

I trust in His will, not because I am already joyful, or at peace, but because He is the maker of peace. He is the deliverer and the almighty. While I have sat in sorrow, I kept going because my God has a plan for me. One of my favorite lines in the song is when she sings about remember that God is God and that we are not. So often I got stuck in the idea that they were mine and that surely God was just testing us. I prayed that He would reveal His will to me. Even a sliver of it.

Slowly as the months went on, I saw little sneak peaks of His will already being done. Then we finally got the call. After 15 months we were going to get to see the kids. This wasn't just a visit. This was their adoption. It occurred in the same courthouse, with the same judge as their siblings. The same place where they asked us when it would be their turn. At that point I had this picture in my mind that the next time we were at that courthouse, we would be legally binding ourselves to these children.

However, today we watched a different story unfold. Our sweet girls were finally adopted, but no by us. They were adopted by another family, but what we couldn't see at first was how God's will would lead us. God placed them with another family of believers. A family who will nurture and grow our girls into God fearing and God loving young women. They are so loved by so many people. As hard as it was to let them God, God's will proved to be so much better than what would have happened if my will was done.

For some of you, it may be hard to believe that God's will could include us getting our hearts broken. Shouldn't He be mending our hearts, not breaking them? The truth is, that our God is good and if you are in pain now, there is something much greater in store but it takes patients and it takes us grasping the idea that there are times we may never understand God's will in certain situations.

If God is tugging at you right now, telling you to let His will be done, then just give in. We are not God and we cannot see the big picture. Understand this, He loves each of us and His will is good and pure and trustworthy. Today, after 15 months of prayer I held my sweet sisters in my arms, once again proving that prayer works and that God sees all. He knew from the moment that I said goodbye to them the first time, that on this day, I would hold them again. So for now I will continue to trust His will and I pray that you too can find comfort in His will. Rest easy, and be thankful for the little ones in your life because life is so precious.

"Pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" - 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18