I will start off by saying that I am so grateful for all the love and support that my family has received these past few days. They have been a very trying time and it can get quite lonely but God provided us with an amazing support system. Moving on to what I want to share today. This goes out to all foster or adoptive parents, and anyone who has ever lost anyone in their life, whether that loss is death or the removal of a child, or someone leaving your life forever.
My family has been doing foster and adoptive care for about ten years now. We have not had that many children because once the children come into our home they end up staying long term. About seven or eight years ago my family got our first child. I loved that little girl so much. We had her for about eight months and I was devastated when she was sent back to her mom. However, I got over it eventually though counseling and guidance. I was young at the time so I didn't really understand what had really taken place.
Then we got another child. We ended up adopting her and she was my little sister. I have never really talked about her in this way because so many people have judged me harshly or blamed me for her issues, and a whole list of other things, but I believe keeping quiet is never going to help anyone, including myself to forgive what has happened and move forward, so here it is. As she got older and more of her trauma started showing up, she began physically abusing myself and my mom. With police involvement she was removed. She is still in contact with our family because she is family, but what you have to understand is that foster kids have a lot of baggage and for some kids their trauma is major. Things that happen to them as babies can ruin their lives forever. Kids like my adopted sister never learned how to bond or love as babies which changed their brains making them unable to ever really be part of a family. All you can do is love them but if they are unsafe there cannot be a question as to whether they remain in the home or not.
Moving on, we got the twins next, but I will hold off on their story. After we had the twins we got a sixth month old baby that would change everything about me. I was 19 when we got her so she and I had a different kind of relationship. We didn't quite have a sister bond, but it couldn't be a mother child bond because I wasn't her mother. I helped raise that baby and I did learn a lot about motherhood. Hard as I tried, knowing that it was only foster care, I became so attached to her. She slept in a crib next to my bed and we would hold hands at night. I couldn't sleep until I heard her breathing to know that she would remain asleep. I knew what she liked to eat, and her favorite toys and how to put her to bed and how to enjoy her. I loved that baby with all my heart.
The problem was that it came time for us to give her up, but we had raised her for a year. Her mom had, had another baby and we took him in as well. However, God had other plans for her and frankly so did the state, but their plan and God's plan had totally different motivations behind them. Once the baby was taken it felt as if I had lost my own child. Almost as if she had died. I used to think that was crazy and that I shouldn't say that because people's children do die and she wasn't dead. I want to share with other foster families or those that don't understand foster family bonds, that you have the right to feel like they died because in a sense you raised them, you loved them, you poured your life into them and then they are taken out of your arms and placed into someone else's and most of the time you will NEVER see that child again. You will never hear from them, or be a part of their lives ever again.
It took me a year or more to get myself to a place of forgiveness and healing. I was so angry for so long. However, it made me appreciate my sweet little twins that we living in my home loving me and being my little sister. I have said before that they came into my life just when I needed something positive to change. They changed me as well. I stopped looking at the world as this black hole that had left me for dead, and started looking at it through the eyes of children who's world was a black hole of death. These children only knew misery and abuse. It became my goal to show them that life is good and that there are good people in this world that can love them and be there for them. Life became so much better with them in it. I cannot believe I got to watch them grow from little chubby 3 1/2 year olds, to beautiful, athletic, funny, smart and wonderful 7 1/2 year olds.
Two days ago my family and I had to put those two sweet little girls into a car even though they were pleading for us not to make them leave. We brought them to church where they were hugged and kissed and loved on. I watched them flourish in the arms of their brother and sister, and the rest of their little friends. Some of the kids understood what was happening but some of them didn't. There was a lot of heart break that day. At the lunchin my family was wrapped in the love that our Church family showed us. The truth about foster kids growing up in a church is that the foster family is not alone in raising the children. Our entire church takes part in their lives and helps us raise them right in the Lord so that they know that no matter what happens the Lord loves them through it.
When twin A broke down, I broke down with her. When her new family walked into the doors of the church she stood there in a puddle of tears yelling out the word "no". When it came time for her to say her goodbyes she stood there still sobbing into my mom telling her that she didn't want to leave and that she wanted to be a part of our family. She said, in front of the new family that she would never love them more than she loved my mom. It was like my heart was literally breaking in two. One half when with twin A and the other went with twin O.
Still sobbing we placed them both in the car. Twin O hadn't really cried because she really wasn't understanding what was happening. She was in a state of shock. She and I have always had a special bond since day one. She has trouble forming bonds as well, but we bonded in a way that no one else could. She was my little hero and I was her "twin" as she called me. As soon as I picked her up into my arms to say goodbye she started to cry and asked not to leave. This goodbye was worse than any other goodbye that I've had to do in these ten years. These kids ARE my sisters. Sometimes its hard to remember that God has a plan because even though I know that, the state, the Department of Children and FAMILIES just tore a family apart for their own selfish reasons.
I am not writing this to discourage anyone from being a foster family. In fact I want you to see this as an invitation to do foster care. Here's the real truth, being a foster or adoptive family is hard. As any of my fellow foster or adoptive families know, its no picnic. The TV paints a picture of a perfect family taking in this sad child and them living happily ever after, but that's not life. Foster care is messy and its painful. People say awful things to foster families and the state tends to beat us down. There are kids in this state who don't know what love is and they don't know that there is an amazing God who is with them always and loves every hair on their heads.
People have told me in the past that I shouldn't be so upset when foster kids "leave". However, in a lot of cases they did not "leave", they were taken, they were stolen out of our arms and placed into the hands of another. I am not saying that the arms of the new families are not wonderful. In fact the family that has my baby sister is a sweet God loving family who will love them, but it doesn't make the pain go away. Loss is loss. We all have a right to grieve and we all have a right to feel hurt and foster parents, its okay to feel like your child has died, because in a sense YOUR child has died. They aren't yours anymore, they will always be yours emotionally but legally they aren't your anymore.
I pray that someday we are allowed to see the twins again, but until then we grieve. However, we grieve knowing that God has a plan for this and that He is not bringing us all of this pain for nothing. This is such a chaotic world were there is a lot of pain, and loss and death, but John 16:33 says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world". A few people shared this verse with me this weekend and it was such a comfort. God has overcome the world, He has overcome death and pain, and loss. So if you are sitting out there grieving as I am and feeling like your world has just crashed down at your feet, try to remember that our God is a God of peace and that though the pain is overwhelming now, God will bring us peace, in time. God bless and keep on praying.
