Right now I am up to my ears in medication. I even have tried the herbal stuff. It isn't working anymore, nor is it bringing me any relief. I take what I can so that my pain is lessened, but I can't keep the pain gone. It is a place that I hate being in. Pain, with no visible way out. So many of us live in pain, but some find a way to stop the hurt. All I do really, is sleep. I take medication to put me to sleep, and then I don't feel pain. While I sleep though, time goes on. I feel like I am wasting my time sleeping, but I won't stop because it is my way out. I can name at least 100 people in my life that are taking some sort of medication to make it through the day.
It's frustrating to try everything that exists, but get no relief. Maybe we are all going about this the wrong way. I personally pray that the Lord send me the right doctors, and a medication that works. As the days go by my prayers come from my heart a little less every time. I feel like I am stuck, and there is no way to get away from this pain. Then today I thought about healing. I struggle with the idea of man being able to heal anyone, and work miracles. Many tell me that I am wrong, and that the Bible says that there are some people who can heal, through the Lord's will. My mom got me a Bible study about healing, in hopes that I will find some way to understand the Lord's miracles.
I believe that along with that, what I really need, is a good dose of the Lord. It sounds weird to say it like that, but it's true. I need to give all of my pain to Him, and let Him deal with it, HIS way. Maybe instead of that extra dose of pain killers, I go to the Lord. Just like everything that crosses my path, it will take work, and time, but I still put my trust in the Lord, and I know that He will get me out of this. I challenge you, along with myself, to spend this week filling your hearts with love from the Lord. You might find a little peace in the mess you feel you are in.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Tiny Sigh Of Relief.
It is now almost two months since I had surgery. I haven't been back to school, and I haven't done any school work. When the tutor came at the end of march, he dumped a huge load of work on me. I had two books to read, and projects to complete, along with an endless supply of tests. Even now, I still sleep for half of the day, and then I go to physical therapy. I could not figure out how I was going to make up the work. I felt like all of the things that cause stress in my life, were dumped on my lap all at once. I was upset, and felt like I was going to do the work, but delay my recovery.
I prayed, but not hard enough to deserve what the Lord had in store for me. He once again went right through my doubt and answered my prayer. It did not happen like I thought it would but that's the beauty in the Lord's work. Sometimes we miss the answers that He sends us, because we aren't looking for His answer, we are stuck in our world pretending that the Lord is ignoring you. I had a meeting at school last week. I was extremely anxious because, one, I hadn't been in that school for over a month, and two, those meetings never went well. I went into prayer, but I let my anxiety take over, and I didn't put my heart into my prayer. This is more proof that the Lord shows us mercy, and by His grace, we are blessed.
When I entered the meeting, and even during the meeting, I was nervous and uncomfortable. I wanted more than anything to leave the school and go home. The meeting didn't take long, but it helped. They suggested that I do my english class and my history class online so that I could work on it whenever I wanted to. It meant that I would still be able to sleep all the time, and that when I felt okay I could get stuff done. It was like lifting that weight off of me so that I could keep going forward and maybe recover. When I got home, and talked it over with my mom, I realized that the Lord had shown me light through this pit of darkness. It is all I ever wanted, and what I needed. God is good, All the time.
I prayed, but not hard enough to deserve what the Lord had in store for me. He once again went right through my doubt and answered my prayer. It did not happen like I thought it would but that's the beauty in the Lord's work. Sometimes we miss the answers that He sends us, because we aren't looking for His answer, we are stuck in our world pretending that the Lord is ignoring you. I had a meeting at school last week. I was extremely anxious because, one, I hadn't been in that school for over a month, and two, those meetings never went well. I went into prayer, but I let my anxiety take over, and I didn't put my heart into my prayer. This is more proof that the Lord shows us mercy, and by His grace, we are blessed.
When I entered the meeting, and even during the meeting, I was nervous and uncomfortable. I wanted more than anything to leave the school and go home. The meeting didn't take long, but it helped. They suggested that I do my english class and my history class online so that I could work on it whenever I wanted to. It meant that I would still be able to sleep all the time, and that when I felt okay I could get stuff done. It was like lifting that weight off of me so that I could keep going forward and maybe recover. When I got home, and talked it over with my mom, I realized that the Lord had shown me light through this pit of darkness. It is all I ever wanted, and what I needed. God is good, All the time.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
To Love Conditionally.
Growing up, I had this one Uncle that always bothered me. I judged his appearance and his life style. My mom used to sit me down every once in a while to explain to me the importance of unconditional love. I hated that word, "unconditional", it always rubs me the wrong way. I still have trouble loving people unconditionally. I love people sometimes, but then when they hurt me, or do something that I have deemed wrong in my mind, I don't love them at all. This is called conditional love. It when you love people on a situation basis. This is not what the Lord wants me, or anyone else to be doing. I know that He loves us unconditionally, but I still have so much more to learn.
I have spent a long time trying to figure out how I can learn to love unconditionally. It is one problem in my life that I have not given to God. I have moments when I think that I have given it to God, but then that same situation comes up and I have to start all over again. I know that I am not the only one that goes through this, but for a long while I thought that I was. I never wanted to admit to anyone that I have trouble loving others fully. I thought that it made me a bad person. I assumed that people would look at me as if I were cold- hearted. With some people, you will find that they judge you, but there are so many others that have the same issues.
When looking up scripture on this topic, I found many verses that would work, but only one that gave me just what I was looking for. "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins" 1 Peter 4:8. It made me realize that every time I do not love unconditionally I am focusing on sin. I am hanging onto bad memories and using it against that person in my head. It happens even in my own home. My youngest sister is misbehaving all the time. It bothers me greatly, but I cannot do anything about it because I am not the parent. Then there are times that she is so sweet, and I think that she has changed. It really isn't my decision to make her change. I cannot control her life.
It is so easy for me to say, right now, that I have no control, but in the heat of the moment I want more than anything to "fix her". I hang onto every sin that she creates. I ignore my own sin, and instead focus on everything she has done wrong in my eyes. Right now, I do only love her conditionally. It is a huge problem, but it is a mutual problem. I have tried many times to make myself love her always, but it is not a job that I can do alone. I need to give it to God. I say that all the time, but if I cannot love one of His children, the way He does, then it is by His mercy alone that I am loved. This situation requires work, and honesty. You are not going to be left alone, by admitting that you do not love everyone unconditionally. We are sinful people, but we are also saved. Going to God for help is the first step in the right direction.
I have spent a long time trying to figure out how I can learn to love unconditionally. It is one problem in my life that I have not given to God. I have moments when I think that I have given it to God, but then that same situation comes up and I have to start all over again. I know that I am not the only one that goes through this, but for a long while I thought that I was. I never wanted to admit to anyone that I have trouble loving others fully. I thought that it made me a bad person. I assumed that people would look at me as if I were cold- hearted. With some people, you will find that they judge you, but there are so many others that have the same issues.
When looking up scripture on this topic, I found many verses that would work, but only one that gave me just what I was looking for. "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins" 1 Peter 4:8. It made me realize that every time I do not love unconditionally I am focusing on sin. I am hanging onto bad memories and using it against that person in my head. It happens even in my own home. My youngest sister is misbehaving all the time. It bothers me greatly, but I cannot do anything about it because I am not the parent. Then there are times that she is so sweet, and I think that she has changed. It really isn't my decision to make her change. I cannot control her life.
It is so easy for me to say, right now, that I have no control, but in the heat of the moment I want more than anything to "fix her". I hang onto every sin that she creates. I ignore my own sin, and instead focus on everything she has done wrong in my eyes. Right now, I do only love her conditionally. It is a huge problem, but it is a mutual problem. I have tried many times to make myself love her always, but it is not a job that I can do alone. I need to give it to God. I say that all the time, but if I cannot love one of His children, the way He does, then it is by His mercy alone that I am loved. This situation requires work, and honesty. You are not going to be left alone, by admitting that you do not love everyone unconditionally. We are sinful people, but we are also saved. Going to God for help is the first step in the right direction.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Where Is God In Your Life?
We accept Jesus in our hearts, and we worship the Lord. We are taught from a young age that we are constantly building your relationship with the Lord. They tell us that we have to read the Bible, and pray everyday, so that we don't lose God in our lives. I have always found that absurd. How could anyone just forget about the Lord? Well lately this has come up in my life. I am so overwhelmed with my worldly stress, that I haven't truly been working on my relationship with God. I "forget" to pray every night and I don't even know that I'm doing something wrong.
We can all make excuses, I have some too, just like you. I take medication that puts me to sleep, so it "couldn't be my fault". In all actuality it is my fault. I could be praying before I take my medication. It begins maybe, as an innocent mistake, but then you get stuck in a downward spiral. God is still there, but you have closed yourself off to Him. We become so focused on everything else, and not what we are commanded in the Bible. If our life were a circle, we put God on the outside, when we SHOULD put Him in the center.
You might think that you are in a great place with God, so you don't have to work as hard as you have been, but that's a lie, that you are choosing to believe. When you feel this way, you are in danger. You are following what you want to, NOT what God has commanded of you. You have also then taken your life into your own hands. At first it may seem nice, but sooner or later, when you realized that you have strayed, you may not know how to come back.
Take a look at your life right now and figure out where you are with God. If you find that you have strayed, take this chance and go back to Him.
We can all make excuses, I have some too, just like you. I take medication that puts me to sleep, so it "couldn't be my fault". In all actuality it is my fault. I could be praying before I take my medication. It begins maybe, as an innocent mistake, but then you get stuck in a downward spiral. God is still there, but you have closed yourself off to Him. We become so focused on everything else, and not what we are commanded in the Bible. If our life were a circle, we put God on the outside, when we SHOULD put Him in the center.
You might think that you are in a great place with God, so you don't have to work as hard as you have been, but that's a lie, that you are choosing to believe. When you feel this way, you are in danger. You are following what you want to, NOT what God has commanded of you. You have also then taken your life into your own hands. At first it may seem nice, but sooner or later, when you realized that you have strayed, you may not know how to come back.
Take a look at your life right now and figure out where you are with God. If you find that you have strayed, take this chance and go back to Him.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Is Time On My Side?
I can't believe that its already April. Growing up we are all told that our young years go by faster than we think. I always looked forward to growing up and going to college, but once I hit high school I realized how fast that future was coming. The thing is, once you hit high school there is no such thing as slowing down. It's a fast pace track to graduation day. Many of my peers are counting the days until they graduate, but I still feel like there is more that I need to do here at home. I have prayed for time to slow down and give me the chance to appreciate what I have here, and what I have done for the past eighteen years.
Time, however, is not something I can control. None of us can. The Lord has our plan and He will bring us to the future. I am nervous to be out "on my own". All the training at school was for educational purposes, not the emotions that come along with that much of a transition. At some point or another the adults in our lives have felt what we feel now. It's hard to listen to them "relate" to us because the age difference seems monumental. For years now, I have also prayed that the Lord would let me get into a great college and a great career. Now I pray for guidance in choosing the right school and following what He wants for me. It would be easier to give up, but results come from work.
While I wait on His time, it seems like time here is flying by. I can't get everything into each day that I want to. I find myself disappointed at times because I want to give more time to the Lord but then I have homework and scholarship essays. My excuses are endless. We all try to justify everything that happens in our lives. I feel that I need to have a reason for not spending a ton of time with the Lord, but that isn't what He is looking for. I can't make a plan for my future if the Lord isn't the biggest part of my life. He knows what is coming in my life, and when we are overwhelmed like I am about all of this, we go to the Lord. He is the decision maker in our lives. I am interested to see what He has ready for me.
Time, however, is not something I can control. None of us can. The Lord has our plan and He will bring us to the future. I am nervous to be out "on my own". All the training at school was for educational purposes, not the emotions that come along with that much of a transition. At some point or another the adults in our lives have felt what we feel now. It's hard to listen to them "relate" to us because the age difference seems monumental. For years now, I have also prayed that the Lord would let me get into a great college and a great career. Now I pray for guidance in choosing the right school and following what He wants for me. It would be easier to give up, but results come from work.
While I wait on His time, it seems like time here is flying by. I can't get everything into each day that I want to. I find myself disappointed at times because I want to give more time to the Lord but then I have homework and scholarship essays. My excuses are endless. We all try to justify everything that happens in our lives. I feel that I need to have a reason for not spending a ton of time with the Lord, but that isn't what He is looking for. I can't make a plan for my future if the Lord isn't the biggest part of my life. He knows what is coming in my life, and when we are overwhelmed like I am about all of this, we go to the Lord. He is the decision maker in our lives. I am interested to see what He has ready for me.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Last Team Standing.
Although it is no longer march, March Madness is still going strong. Since I'm still not going back to school, I have been watching the NCAA Championship with my mom. I never liked boys basketball until now. I am a major UCONN fan, and ever since I was little, I have been a fan of the UCONN women. They have done so well for a long time now, but the boys, well not so much. I never really watched them because it's not as exciting to watch your team lose constantly. This year, however, things have changed. The men practiced hard, and fought their way to the top. They are now headed to the top two, and then (hopefully) they will be handed the championship trophy.
This got me thinking about my relationship with the Lord. Once you become a Christian and accept Jesus as your savior, you have to work at that relationship. That is only the first step to your Walk with the Lord. Because I accepted the Lord at such a young age, I have been able to work on my Walk for a little over ten years. Just like the UCONN men, I had my losing season every now and then, but I was able to get up and climb back to the top again. Think of it this way, every team that the boys played, is like each situation that we face. Then, you either win that "game" or you "lose" it and you get back up to meet the next situation.
We also have to practice our faith. The men's team has practice for hours everyday. They have a passion for playing basketball and I have a passion for growing closer to the Lord. My practice, however, is a little different than there's. Every single day, I practice by staying in prayer every minute of the day. Then I read the Bible, and check out my different devotionals. I listen to worship music so that my head is full of the Word. Finally, my favorite is being in fellowship with other Christians. I am not saying that it is easy to practice your faith, but if you want to get to the top you have to work at it.
My mom and I tied basketball and the Lord together last night, because during the game we held hands, and prayed that the men would win. I am happy to say that the Lord answered our prayers! I find praying to be the easiest way to practice my faith. I pray for silly things, serious things, and everyTHING in between. "So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness" Colossians 2:6-7. We have been given the strength to succeed, and we are already part of the winning team!
This got me thinking about my relationship with the Lord. Once you become a Christian and accept Jesus as your savior, you have to work at that relationship. That is only the first step to your Walk with the Lord. Because I accepted the Lord at such a young age, I have been able to work on my Walk for a little over ten years. Just like the UCONN men, I had my losing season every now and then, but I was able to get up and climb back to the top again. Think of it this way, every team that the boys played, is like each situation that we face. Then, you either win that "game" or you "lose" it and you get back up to meet the next situation.
We also have to practice our faith. The men's team has practice for hours everyday. They have a passion for playing basketball and I have a passion for growing closer to the Lord. My practice, however, is a little different than there's. Every single day, I practice by staying in prayer every minute of the day. Then I read the Bible, and check out my different devotionals. I listen to worship music so that my head is full of the Word. Finally, my favorite is being in fellowship with other Christians. I am not saying that it is easy to practice your faith, but if you want to get to the top you have to work at it.
My mom and I tied basketball and the Lord together last night, because during the game we held hands, and prayed that the men would win. I am happy to say that the Lord answered our prayers! I find praying to be the easiest way to practice my faith. I pray for silly things, serious things, and everyTHING in between. "So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness" Colossians 2:6-7. We have been given the strength to succeed, and we are already part of the winning team!
Friday, April 1, 2011
April Fools.
Lately I have been in the presence of people that I consider "fools". I hate being with those people. They think that they have all the knowledge in the world, and brush off any wisdom from others. I know that I can be foolish, but I believe that I am open to learning about the Lord. I do not rely on my perspective of the Word as the final. There are some adults in my life as well, that believe that they have all the answers, and shoot down your ideas.
In the Bible, fools are mentioned in a few different capacities. I am speaking of Proverbs 14:33, "Wisdom rests in the hearts of him who has understanding, but what is in the heart of fools is made known." This verse is rather comforting to me because I hear those who speak everything that comes into their head, and question what I know. With adults, I never really speak what is on my heart, because I fear that I could be wrong, and they could be right. Not everyone who speaks his mind, is a fool, but those who contradict the Word of the Lord are foolish.
We were all given the freedom to think, to speak and to form an opinion, but when we make our opinions known, we need to come from a heart of the Lord. I am in constant prayer, asking for wisdom throughout my day. I do not pretend that I have all knowledge about the Lord, and His commands for us. It is known that I love to talk, but matters of the Lord, I do not speak. I am not a new Christian, but I know that I have so much more to learn. I am cautious with the advice that I offer dealing with my Christianity. I worry that I do not have enough wisdom to speak what the Lord really wants.
The verse that I stated in the beginning confirms that I am correct in how I live. I do not assume that I have all of the knowledge, therefore I consider myself "wise". The other people in my life that share every comment they have concerning faith, are fools. They look to themselves and believe that they have the answers, and that they are always right. They are not open to hear what anyone else has to say on the matter, because they think that ONLY they are right. They are wrong, because those with a heart in the right place, gain wisdom from the Lord. So which one are you? The wise man who keeps his mouth shut? Or the foolish man who speaks his opinions?
In the Bible, fools are mentioned in a few different capacities. I am speaking of Proverbs 14:33, "Wisdom rests in the hearts of him who has understanding, but what is in the heart of fools is made known." This verse is rather comforting to me because I hear those who speak everything that comes into their head, and question what I know. With adults, I never really speak what is on my heart, because I fear that I could be wrong, and they could be right. Not everyone who speaks his mind, is a fool, but those who contradict the Word of the Lord are foolish.
We were all given the freedom to think, to speak and to form an opinion, but when we make our opinions known, we need to come from a heart of the Lord. I am in constant prayer, asking for wisdom throughout my day. I do not pretend that I have all knowledge about the Lord, and His commands for us. It is known that I love to talk, but matters of the Lord, I do not speak. I am not a new Christian, but I know that I have so much more to learn. I am cautious with the advice that I offer dealing with my Christianity. I worry that I do not have enough wisdom to speak what the Lord really wants.
The verse that I stated in the beginning confirms that I am correct in how I live. I do not assume that I have all of the knowledge, therefore I consider myself "wise". The other people in my life that share every comment they have concerning faith, are fools. They look to themselves and believe that they have the answers, and that they are always right. They are not open to hear what anyone else has to say on the matter, because they think that ONLY they are right. They are wrong, because those with a heart in the right place, gain wisdom from the Lord. So which one are you? The wise man who keeps his mouth shut? Or the foolish man who speaks his opinions?
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