Make a Wish. Make a Prayer.

Right now I looked over at the clock to find out that it was 11:11. That time is the time when we are supposed to make a wish. There are so many superstitions about making wishes. I always say "make a wish" but I don't ever make a wish. I go to God and pray about my "wish". I didn't do it on purpose the first time, but who else would I talk to about what I want in my life. I do not always get what I want, because the Lord knows what is right for my life. It was recently that I realized, I don't wish, I pray. I don't believe really that wishing on a star or a time of day will bring anything but let down. You need to put your focus elsewhere. The Lord will listen. So now 11:11 has become a reminder to me during the day, who I have listening to me.

There are so many verses on prayer, but a slim amount on wishing. We do not need to wish, because it is greedy. We have been give the biggest gift of all, eternal life. I'm not going to lie, I still pray for things that I just want, but when it comes down to it, that's not our right. Psalm 5:3 gave me some insight on this. "In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly". This does not mean that we will get what we request right away, or ever. It is a reassurance that God is listening to our prayer.

I am not an expert by any means, at deciphering just what the Bible say. However, I share my opinion because sometimes, I am actually right. These are not my words, they are His. I study them and piece them together in my life. So call it a wish, or call it a prayer, as long as we know where that request is headed, a title doesn't matter. Next time you look at the clock, and it says 11:11 look up and spend that minute in prayer with the Lord. It can serve as a reminder for you, and me.

How is This Fair?

I have begun to do my online school. It seemed kind of fun when I did the first unit. I got it done within the hour and submitted it. From there, I was scored 100 %. I found amusement in the smiley face wearing sunglasses that sat next to my grade. Last night I decided to dive into unit two. This one was a little more difficult. There were a lot of steps and a ton of writing. While my parents both slept I stayed on my bed working for two and a half hours. I did not move from my spot because I feared that the computer would go to sleep and I would lose all of my work. I was in pain and I needed to go to the bathroom, but that was my motivation to keep going.

Well when I finally finished, there is a button at the bottom that says "finished, send to my teacher" so I clicked that button and a page popped up saying "security violation". All of my work was gone. I tried to click the back button and the undo button but nothing happened. I actually broke down and cried. I spent two and a half hours ignoring my pain and the fact that I needed to take medication, because I wanted to get the work done. I have now completed that same work all over again. It was frustrating and upsetting to sit and write four pages of work all over again. I was angry with the program and with my school because we called this morning for help and they never responded.

Lately I have been thinking about the word fair. I want to say that its not fair for all of this stuff to keep happening to me, but again, its not about me. I need to remember why I am doing this online school. My guidance counselor and some other members of my 504 team, figured out a way for me to complete 12th grade from home. I am lucky that I don't have to hurt myself trying to go to school everyday. I am blessed to be healing and to not have an infection. Although the pain hasn't changed at all, I have a family who takes care of me. I am not saying that I don't get upset and ask the Lord why this is happening, but I can truly see that I am blessed.

Jealousy Gets the Better of Us.

After the school music trip last year, I counted down the days until the one for this year. Not to place blame anywhere, but my dumb leg has gotten in the way of something else that I had looked forward to. Some of you are probably thinking that I tell you not to plan things, and look what I did, but I don't feel that way yet. I feel like I have missed out on fun and bonding. My thoughts aren't even on the success of the band or the chorus, just that I was supposed to go with them. I already have missed a college trip, and countless sleepovers. Today my sister left for the trip. Last night I re-folded all of her clothes in her suitcase. I felt bitterness inside of me as she spoke of the trip itinerary.

This whole internal pouting is a form of jealousy. I am to worried about what everyone else gets to do, instead of thinking what I can do instead of the trip. I get to spend a few days alone with the twins and my parents (my other sister is here too but that's not the point). My sister and I had a huge fight last night before she left. Part of it was truly because she had tried to pack some of my belongings and I was angry, but the other part was the jealously. She was going to go where I wanted to go more than anything.

I cannot shed that jealousy when it is the only thing on my mind. I am thinking too much about myself and not enough about what God wants me to do with this situation. I believe that He is using me as a testimony of someone who has hope in the Him, but at the same time I feel like letting go. It's like I am being punished sometimes for the sin that I have done. Now when I am rational, I know that this is not the case, but during my irrational times, I'm not so sure. I have been slacking on my scripture reading because of this anger and jealousy taking up my time.

When I searched scripture, I found Psalm 37:7, "Be patient and trust the Lord. Don't let it bother you when all goes well for those who do sinful things". How can I let it bother me now, when I myself am a sinner. I am no better than those that I am jealous of. Right now I am living in a "me" centered world. This world leaves me empty and unhappy. We find happiness just like everyone else. Because we know the Lord, our happiness will come and it will be eternal. Jealousy for me, comes when I am tired of waiting for it to be my turn for a good situation. I can't say that I am now not jealous of my sister and my friends, but I know where to go to get help with these feelings.

Stubbornness and Pain.

For days now my sisters have stopped helping me, and they haven't done any chores, or homework. They clean up just enough so that when mom looks over, it seems like they did their chores. It angers me that they do that to her, because then at 12:00 in the morning she gets up to shut the lights off and finds a huge mess that she then has to clean up. I used to forget my chores because I was too busy doing the girls chores, but now there chores and mine aren't getting done. I have taken it upon myself to get up and clean everything that I can. The girls come over and ask if I need help, but at that point I have asked them to help many times and they said no.

I won't deny that I am stubborn, but I feel like a burden and that I need to earn the help that my mom gives me. She chases the twins around all day and takes care of me, then the other girls come home and trash everything that is clean. Seeing her frustrated makes me angry at the girls. They leave a mess and have fun with the twins. Mom gets a nap every now and then, so during that nap I get up and clean what I can. If I got up while she was awake there is no way I'd be able to complete any work. The twins got new toys the other day, and decided to play with every single toy and leave them out. Mom was on the phone when we sat down for dinner, but when I saw that mess, I almost cried. We are teaching the twins during the day, that they have to clean up before they can leave the room, and then the older girls let them go wild. I sat down not at the table but in the other room and cleaned up everything rather than eat.

All of this extra work has put me in more pain than I can bear. I try not to complain, or take medication because I want this to be better. I am being stubborn in that area as well. I know that I should take medication but I worry that it will set me back more than I already am. This all reminds me of the story about Mary and Martha. Martha tried so hard to get the work done, while Mary went off to listen to the words of the Lord. I was angered myself when I read the story. I was appalled that the Lord chose the side of the lazy sister. I guess I have just looked at it the wrong way.

Martha could have left Mary alone to be with the Lord, but she felt hurt by her sister. I have felt the same way, but that does not mean that I should pick up the slack of my sister. Right now I need to be focusing on my health, and not doing the work that my sisters should be doing in hopes that they get condemned. Sometimes though, I find it harder to let it go, than to just do the work. I am wrong and I know that, but this is something still in the works in my life. It may not be about us though, we just step in because we think its our right. These types of things can be left for the Lord's concern.

God Forgave You, Why Can't You Forgive Yourself?

There are so many times that I go into prayer asking for forgiveness. There are so many times that we all fall into temptation and find ourselves wishing that we had listened to the Lord. Then when that certain temptation has past, we go to the Lord begging Him to forgive what we have done. He has promised us that when we sin and bring it to Him, He will forgive you. So why is it that He forgave us, but we won't forgive us?

This is a trap of the mind I think. We believe that the sin we committed was unforgivable. I hang onto my sin because I am so angry with myself that I seek punishment in a way. I feel that I am not worthy of the Lord's forgiveness, and the truth is, I'm not. I am forgiven because I am loved by the Lord just like you and everyone else. When I am doing a certain sin, I know that it is wrong. The fact that I knew I was wrong sticks in my head. That doubt in my head, that I will do it again. I hang onto my sin even when I am forgiven and it becomes a reminder everyday. Continuing to think about our sin, is what Satan really wants. It is then, that he comes in and brings the temptation.

Sometimes, I think that we hang onto that sin because we know that we will do it again. In a way, it's like we want to do it again. When we ask for forgiveness we need to be ready to repent. The temptations will still be there because the devil knows that it is a weak spot. At first repenting is going to seem too difficult and tiring, but it's worth it. I can't do it alone but I CAN do it with the Lord. When we ask the Lord for forgiveness we need to also ask Him to help us get through this. Temptation is always going to be there, but God will always be there too.

The Preacher or the Teacher?

Today I went to church. I miss going so much, but there are just some weeks that I cannot handle leaving the house. I have always been the one sitting in church taking detailed notes during the sermon. I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I doodle, but I give the pastor my "pretty" drawings. For a long time I have always found it weird that the sermons during service matched what we learned about in Sunday School. When I was little, I used to tell my mom (who was my Sunday School teacher) that she and the Pastor had talked before church so that they could match lessons. When I was a little bit older, I was able to see that the matching messages came from the Lord. Every time after that I knew to listen very closely when it was the same message twice. I believe that the Lord sends us what we need to hear. It may not be what we want, but if He is sending the message from all different directions it's time to open your ears.

Hearing the message twice is great, but not everyone can make it to Sunday School, but don't worry the Lord has many ways of speaking to His people. With everything that is going on in my life health wise, I have found it difficult to climb the stairs to get into the Sanctuary. Today was only the second time that I have gone to church, since the surgery. Both the first time and this time, the sermon was something that touched situations in my life. Although the Pastor knows what's going on in my life, he doesn't know what it is that I need to hear. He may be the preacher but he is not the Teacher. The Lord is our Teacher. He sends messages to us through other people in our lives, like the Pastor at your church.

Sometimes I only half listen to the sermon, but I take notes so that I can look back later. By doing that I get the chance to form my own thoughts on that topic, and piece it together in my life. I don't suggest that you always figure it out yourself, but it might help you. No matter what though, I always hear what the Lord wants me to hear. I sound rather contradictory but there are just so many ways that the Lord talks to us and I want people to know that what they hear really is Him.

Each sermon, lesson, devotion, teaching, is special, as long as it truly comes from the Lord. I find that the sermon topic touches me as well as others around me. Knowing that one topic can fit what is going on in my life, and my fellow church members, is amazing. When I sit in my chair, listen to a sermon and find the answers to my situational questions, I know that my answers are from the Lord.

Do You Have Hope?

Hope is another one of those words that gets thrown around by everyone and anyone. It has become a space filler word, and something you tell people when they are down. Hope didn't come from the world though, it comes from the Lord. We are told many times in the Bible to have hope. Hope is what gets me through each day. If I did not have hope that the Lord has a plan, then I would live in sorrow. Some people live without hope. I haven't figured out if they are weak, or lazy, or have turned from God. I am not saying that when things are going wrong, I always see that glimpse of hope, but I do know where to go when I need to find that hope. I fold my hands and pray, sometimes I am led to talk to another one of my brothers or sisters in Christ, and other times I am led to the Bible. It does not make you weak to ask God for help, what makes you weak is ignoring the chance to feel hope from the Lord.

I have lived with many medical issues my entire life. I don't even want to think about what my life would be if my parents didn't show me the hope that the Lord gives. Somehow though, I can always have a melt down, and then take a step back and see where the light is shinning in. I tried to let go of hope for a while, but in doing that I signed over to a miserable life, filled with temporary gratification. I cling to hope so that I can keep pushing forward. I find that it actually helps bring me back onto the right path with the Lord. I am always searching for hope that He sends, so I have to stay in "contact" with Him.

Hope really is the Lord. He is the light in everything. Non-believers use the word hope too. It basically has the same meaning to them as it does to believers. It is the belief that something good will happen. That is how I see hope, but I also see that it comes from the Lord, and it comes in spite of the sinful lives we lead. Hope is a gift. The Lord has given this gift to everyone. I believe that, those who do not see hope in bad situations, put there gift in the closet without unwrapping it. My analogy makes me think twice when I am in "darkness". Instead of giving up, and giving in, I get up and start again, but ONLY by the grace of God. I have hope, therefore, darkness cannot consume me.