Emptiness

People have said that I knew this loss was coming, but what am I supposed to say back to them. Then others offer the "it will get better" cliche. If you have ever been the person that suffered the loss, you know that those comments do not offer any support, or any comfort. We strive to find someone that will say something to make you feel better.  I did not write a post on Friday because I didn't even have the words to speak, let alone to give a testimony. I had no words of wisdom because I was waiting for someone to tell me what I am supposed to do now. I was waiting for someone to tell me where to go from here.

Some of my really good friends drove to come see me this weekend to check in on me and my family. I could barely tell them how I felt because I knew that the moment I divulged my pain, I would cry again. I am no use to anyone in a state of distress, and regardless I still had a job to get done. Life is moving on around me when all I want is to stop for one moment and let me take a breath. It is hard for others to understand how to help you when you have lost someone you love. I need others to understand that although there was no death in this situation, there was a great loss. Right now I feel like that is harder than those that I have lost to death. 

You see, my sister has moved into a new family. I know that they will love her just as my family has but she will grow up differently than she would have in my family. It's hard to raise a baby for a year and not plan a future for them. This impending move out has come around about four times since summer, but each time it came around I prayed my heart out and God came through for me every single time. He blessed me with more time than I deserved with this child. This last time I again prayed with all of my strength, but when it came around this time, my blessings seemed to end. I clung to the hope that God would come through for me one more time, but that hope slipped through my hands as I watched the car pull away.

I wanted to be angry with the family who has the baby but they have done nothing wrong. They are her family now, and we are called to love everyone no matter what. I want someone to blame for all of this because I don't want to blame myself. I am not going to pretend like I am okay with all of this just because it was obviously God's will because I am still coming to terms with that fact. I had dealt with loss in the past but this loss is so close to the heart. I have been is this state of emptiness for three days now, and I didn't know how to get out. I can't focus on anything and I am losing sight of the path that I am walking on.

I found this in scripture and it made me pause for a second.
"Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth You will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once more."  Psalm 71- 20-21

I feel like I am not living right now, and I am consumed with grief, but what I do not feel now, is anger toward God. He is not to blame for any of this and I have known that all along but sometimes it's nice to be reminded that He is on our side. My pain is not going to be healed right away and it is going to take some time but I know that God has comforted me every other time that I have needed comfort and He won't give up on me no matter how much hurt I feel. I have to trust in Him, and trust in His plan because it is far greater than my plan. I can do nothing else right now but place my trust in Him.

The Role

In my communication course on tuesday we were asked a question and it has been stuck in my head now because I didn't give an answer. The question was, What role do you play in your family? Such as our jobs that we do or responsibilities that we have. This used to be easy for me because I was the one that tried to be exactly like my mom. I tried to be the parent and the mama bear, and typically got scolded for trying to take over the house (sorry mom). No matter what though, I knew my role.

When you are the oldest child in a family you see everything differently than everyone else in your family does. As the oldest you have a life long job of taking care of your siblings no matter what. Some people fulfill their jobs, while others quit and hand it over to someone else. I am not a quitter, I will be the lead for as long as God wills me to be. When there were only two kids in our house growing up, it was my job to create the path for my one younger sister. I hated the job at times but I couldn't stop doing that job. I would be the one to go into the doctor and get a shot first just so that my sister wouldn't be scared. No matter how much it hurt I was swing my arm around and show her that it wasn't all that bad.

Now I have five sisters (soon to be four), and I have tried to continue that role to the best of my ability. I always felt that I was the glue that needed to hold my family together. No matter what tragedy happened in our family I was the one who held back the tears and tried to comfort everyone else. For a while I was told that because I chose not to show my emotion in front of the family, I was cold and must have had no emotions about the situation. That, would make me cry because that meant that I succeed at my job. I prayed long and hard about it but I didn't change anything.

God has given me the ability to have the strength to hold everything in. I hold things so that I can be the glue for everyone else. Then later I give everything over to the Lord in private. This system has worked for so many years, and my relationship with Christ has grown stronger.  It even worked with my church family. My church family has blessed me time and time again and just like my role at home, I have my role in the church family as well. Now I sit here, still trying to find the words to say about my role in the family. Everything that I have said is how I used to feel and to some extent I still feel that way, but things are changing. I am the one that cannot hold it together, and I don't like it. I do not like feeling like my role in the family is the overly emotional sister but its happening.

God is using this one loss that I am about to face as a way to show me the different roles. As much as I hate being emotional in front of my family (both church and home) I can't stop it from happening. For me letting the emotion out is like publicly letting go of everything that I am feeling inside. Holding this all in has made me cold, and I have put up walls so that no one can get through. I have been the gate keeper who lets no trespassers into my family. Now, it's time for me to listen to the Lord and figure out what role He really wants me to take on. I can't hide from this, so now I am going to face it with strength from my loving family, church family, friends and most importantly God.

I challenge you to figure out what role you play in your family. If you can't figure out what role you play in your family, ask yourself what role you play in the church. If you cannot figure out the role you play in either, be in prayer. Take on a role in both your family and your church family. I am not saying that you have to be the head of the house now, or hold a leadership position at church, but I am saying to listen to God. If the role you are playing now is no longer the role that the Lord wants you to play then ask for guidance. Ask for Him to show you the way to a new role! We are each an important part of our families because all of us together is what makes us a family.

Snow and Surrendering

I have been on my knees praying for days. I have prayed for so many different things but it seems like nothing is happening. I feel like I am on a speeding train and I want to get off but I don't know how. I have been preaching away at the ways we can let go and let God but right now I am having trouble actually doing that. I am scared and I keep picking up the pieces of my life and can't figure out how to put it back together. I know that God's will, will be done but sometimes His will seems to be exactly the opposite of what I want to do.

I have prayed for God to give me the understanding to deal with my troubled sister. I have prayed for God to help me love her unconditionally and things got better and then we hit rock bottom again. I get angry and lose sight of what God is telling me to do, which adds to my being stuck on this train. It is like one crisis after another after another. Right now all I can feel and all I know is loss. I am sitting here watching everything that I held dear slip out of my grasp and no matter how hard I try I can't hang on. What I need to realize is that maybe God doesn't want me to hang on. Maybe my loss will be another person's gain, and that should make me feel lucky right? That my blessing will become another person's blessing. However, I can't stop the train long enough to feel like I could even want to share my blessing with someone else.

Last night after the election, and talking to my friends and family, I realized that everyone has been to busy to see that I am on this never stopping train. At first I was angry, but then I figured out that this is a test for me. God was giving me a clear message that I needed Him to make all of this madness stop. He is the only one who can stop this "train" that I am on and I haven't been letting Him. I have been waiting for my loved ones to come and save me from this mess but they aren't coming because this is between God and I. So no, I cannot stop this train without the Lord.

Then this morning, when I woke up and started getting ready I just stopped. I stood still because the song that was playing on my ipod was called "Surrender". It was finally time for me to give it all to God. I got on my knees this morning and I gave it all to God. I gave Him everything that I have been clinging to, and everything that I have been trying to fix by myself. It was like I finally could take a deep breath because I wasn't being crushed by everything that is going on. However, God didn't stop there.

We were supposed to be getting snow today later in the afternoon, but with everything bad that is going on in my life I figured why would it snow, I love snow and nothing good is happening in my life right now. The funny thing is that as soon as I gave the Lord everything, as soon as I surrendered it all to Him, someone told me to look outside. The snow is coming down hard right now, and all I can do is look at in in awe. God did not have to give this gift to me but He did. This is the snow that will turn everything white and new and pure. Snow has always been my comfort, and for some reason snow makes me feel closer to God.

The only challenge that I can give to you today is, as I have said before, let go and let God. He is amazing and He will take care of you no matter how bad you think your life is getting. I thought I was left in the darkness with no way out but God did it again and reminded me of His light and His glory. I am not saying that all of the hurt or pain has stopped because it hasn't but God gave me a new perspective. He is the only one who ever gives me tears of Joy and He has done it again! Be blessed and for those that have to drive in this, I am praying for your safety.

The Choice

Today for all of those over 18, we get to make a choice, and a choice that counts. Do not let anyone tell you that your thoughts, ideas and opinions mean nothing because someone else makes the decision. No one said that it would be easy to choose one side or the other, but every single vote counts. I have waited for so long to cast my official vote and make a difference some how in this life. Life is a series of choices that are left up to us. Each choice that we make has a consequence, whether that be good or bad.

Today of course is election day, my very first presidential election. When I went to the poles I was thrilled about being old enough to cast my choice. However, in every choice we make there are things that get in our way sometimes. For instance, when I got to the poles, not one, not two, but three people asked me if I was old enough to be voting. I almost bit the head off of the third lady as I shoved my license in her face (obviously that was not a Godly thing to do but I did it). I was just ready to make a choice that no one could make for me or make me chose a certain way. I did it, and it felt amazing to cast my vote.

I cannot ignore the other choice people have on this very important day. Some people choose not to vote, they choose to steer clear of all political business. All I have to say to those people is what do you gain from that? By not voting you are letting someone else make a choice for you, and you may or may not like the outcome. I cannot stress enough to my fellow believers that this country needs a change. This country needs to be brought back to its roots, and needs to be reminded that God is here. To you it may seem like one vote isn't going to change anything, but it does. That means there is one less person that will stand up for a change in this country.

If you think about it, God has given man choices since the very beginning. Eve had a choice, and Adam had a choice, and as we can see the repercussions of that choice changed the path that man would follow.  Those of us who have made the choice to follow a life with Christ as the center are blessed. Though we have choices we cannot make the right choice if we are just choosing based upon what we want and not what is right or Godly.

"By myself I can do nothing; As I hear, I judge, and my judgment is just, because I seek not my own will but the will of him who sent me" John 5:30

Our choices need to be made with God and based upon what God has called us to do. Keep that in mind today while you consider your options. God knows that right way, we just need to let Him show it to us.

I am challenging you, if you are old enough, go out and be heard. If you think that just one person can't make a difference than how about if we all pitch in and make a difference. I do not have all of the answers and I cannot force you to do something you don't want to do. There is not much time left, but with the time that is left pray about it and see where God leads you. I can't make this choice for you, and the choice is a hard one, but make a choice. God has graciously given us the freedom to choose, so what are you going to choose? Good luck and keep praying.

Weight of the World

It is no secret that I am the type of person who needs stucture and organization to get through each day. To best explain what I am trying to say, I'm going to let you inside of my head, figuratively speaking of course.  In my head I put everything into these little boxes so that I can deal with one thing at a time. This system has worked for me for many years. Sometimes I mix things together but God always helps me put everything back together. God has tested me of course but I've always made it through. Mind you, this box system is only how I deal with problems, or the different tribulations that I have faced.

Right now I feel like all of those boxes were dumped out and I don't know how, or where to start picking up the pieces. I do not like this feeling of not being in control, and not being able to fix anything. I like to fix things, I like to solve problems and I like to do them in order of importance. However, I can't figure out which things in my life are the most important and need to be dealt with immediately. I do not like telling people when I am at my weakest point, nor do I like letting people know how I deal with everything that goes on in my life. In my prayers today I felt led to share all of this. I kept asking God if He was sure, knowing full well that He was sure, I was just hoping that He would change His mind.

I have a lot on my plate right now and I wish that I could just make it all go away but I can't. I am usually very good at juggling school, time with my family and friends, Church, and times of trial. This is just one of those times where I feel like things just keep getting worse, and I sit here and wonder when it is all going to end, or if it is ever going to end. I am trapped in my own negative thoughts and I am not looking up and trusting that He will protect me and take care of me.

My hope has been renewed by the Word.
"We are hard pressed on every side but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed" 2 Corinthians 4: 8-9

I have heard this verse time after time growing up. Those words have been used in songs throughout the years. Even though I knew this verse it didn't really have a significant meaning to me until now. When I was feeling strong and in control that verse didn't seem to apply to me. Now this verse is something that I am studying and memorizing in a different context than I have memorized it before. I am overwhelmed and even though I feel like I am holding the weight of the world with no help, I have to realize that I am not alone. I am not fighting through all of this alone. God is not going to let me be crushed by everything that I am dealing with. It is with His strength that I will have any chance at making it through this.

So if you are having one of those days or weeks in your life like I am having right now, there are a few things that I believe you should consider doing. First of all admit that you are overwhelmed. Second, admit that you need help and that you can fix this on your own. Third turn everything that is overwhelming you, over to God.  Finally, take a deep breath and trust that God is listening to our cry for help and remember that He has promised to help us and to love us. I will spend the rest of this week in prayer over this matter, and I hope you will add it to your list of prayers as well. Pray for those that are feeling this way and ask that God help them as He has helped you.

Beauty

Today as I was walking to class I looked around at all of the trees. Just last week they were all full of leaves. I love fall because all of the trees get their own sort of personality. They are set apart from each other but they are all beautiful. Today, I realized that the trees were bare. Sandy took all of the leaves off of the colorful trees. Then as I was walking back from class, I walked by a tree on my way down the stairs. This tree was full of leaves that were bright red with an orange tint. They were bright  and so beautiful. It might sound a little odd for me to be getting so excited over some leaves on a tree, but it is so much more than that.

To me this tree represents something wonderful. All of the trees around it had no leaves because when the storm came around they were not strong enough and lost all of their leaves. They were bare, and they lost their beauty. Then there was the bright red tree, that faced the same storm as all of the other trees but it stood strong. It fought the storm and it did not lose its beauty. It is quite a sight to see when you look outside of my dorm, but that tree is a fighter. I'd like to think that I too am a fighter and that I can with stand any storm. I would hope that when I face lifes trials I do not lose my beauty in the eyes of The Lord.

No matter the storm or the sorrow and loss that you and I face, we have the choice to stand up and give it all to the Lord or give up and lose. Think of yourself as that beautiful tree, think of us all as those beautiful trees that were full of leaves and life, before the storm took them. We are those trees, and every time we give up and don't fight in the storms we face we lose our leaves, it might take some time but we will lose them if we do not fight. I choose to remain beautiful and full of life, I choose to fight because the Lord gives me the strength to fight through this storm. We all have the choice to face the storm alone, or face the storm with our Lord and Savior.

Honestly the choice is up to you, as for me,

"My soul finds rest in God, my salvation comes from Him. He is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken" Psalm 62: 1-2

Think about those words there. Every single time I read those words I am in awe of the Lord and His promises, and His strength. You may not always find that rest right away, but it will come if you let it. He is our rock, our solid and strong rock. My favorite part of the entire verse is that we will never be shaken with the Lord. We can stand strong we won't even be shaken.

I challenge you to take a step back and think about where you are in your life right now. When a storm comes your way, are you going to be the one that is left standing full and bright, or are you going to be the one that is bare because you didn't lean on God when you should have. God's wonder reaches so far and He is our solid rock. I place my trust in Him, and I have to believe that even through this storm that I am going through I won't be shaken and I won't lose my beauty just as that tree remains beautiful through a storm.

Holding Your Tongue

We all have these days where every single person in our lives seem to be annoying us in some way. Whether they are close to us, or someone just passing us by there is something that bothers us. Well I have had that type of day today. The day has dragged on and my annoyance has built up and built up. I was upset from the moment I woke up, so as you can imagine my day was less than enjoyable. I tried to think positively but I just couldn't muster it up today.

I felt so critical of others today, but every little thing that they did made my internal fight get harder and harder. I was ready to crack and finally give someone a piece of my mind. By the time I got to my fourth class, I had all of these speaches prepared to give those around me that have bothered me all day. Lately I have felt invisible, like no one was listening to me or going out of their way to talk to me. It is a lonely feeling and I just keep bottling everything up. People have been rude, inconsiderate, and have demeaned what I have to say.

I really wanted to yell today. I wanted for someone to finally listen to what I have to say. I wanted to get out everything that I have been holding in. None of the speeches that I prepared were nice. They were all full of anger and make me sound like a terrible person. So then I wondered, am I terrible for just thinking all of those disrespectful comments? I still really cannot answer that, instead I keep going. I keep pushing through and accepting that I am invisible to my friends, family and classmates. The times that I have tried to speak out, even just today, I get brushed off, like what I have to say is not worth listening to.

If you are like me and feel this way I want to let you in on the piece that is key to feeling better. That piece is our Lord, Jesus Christ. He is ALWAYS listening to what we have to say. He does think that everything we have to say is important. He knows what we are feeling and He's feels that pain that we feel. The other part of this that we must remember is that no matter how much we want to speak out at someone who has made us feel this way or who has added to the build up inside of us. However we have been given instructions on this in scripture.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building other up according to their needs, that may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4: 29

I challenge you to go out of your way this coming week, to make someone feel like they are loved and that you care about what they have to say. Do not push it off to someone else because the reason some of us feel so invisible is because you assume that someone else will reach out to us, so you don't have to. I am as well going to be open to being an outlet for someone else. It is so hard to feel like what you have to say does not matter to others, but all it takes is someone to listen and show that they care. So be that person, show them the love of Christ and lend your ear.

Finally, please remember that no matter how hard it gets we must hold our tongues. We are a representation of God's love so we have to be willing to show that love no matter what. It's going to take prayer and the support of each other but we can all do it because we are called to do so!