Break.

For the next few days, I will be taking a break from blogging. This blog is supposed to be my messages of God working in my life, but my heart needs to be in the right place for it. Right now the pain is stopping me from receiving a message that I would like to share with you. Right now, I need to spend time with God focusing on getting better. My story will continue when I am stronger.

Even the Stong Fall Apart Sometimes.

This post is not about a testimony, it's not about me wanting pity, it is me hopefully put this message out there in hopes that if someone feels the way that I feel now, they can know that I am here to be what they need. The prayers that I have received are more than I deserve, but this whole situation, has shown me where everyone's hearts really are.

I am a strong person. It is not my strength, however. It is the Lord. He works through me every single day. When people come to me for advice, I always have something to give them because I go to the Lord and let Him speak through me. I am the first one to offer help, not because I want points of good behavior, but because I want to make other people happy. I never seem to have answers for my own questions, but usually once I ask about five adults I get one answer that fits. I try not to be a bother to people because I know that I always have the Lord. Lately I have been recieving blame for many things. None of which I was remotly involved in. I just let it go, and gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. It really didn't bother me, that my "friends" haven't really talked to me lately. Until now. I was finally forced to let go. I lost control, and I ran out of strength. I am scared. It is the plain truth.

I am medically not okay right now, and today I took two steps back in my recovery. When I finally grasped enough strength to ask for help from people that were around me, all anyone could or would do was apologize. I'm sure that this is a test of my faith and I know that God won't give me more than I can handle, but today, I do not want to try. I want someone else to catch me. My mom was there for me today ready to help me, but she and I are the same size and I would never want to hurt her, so I don't feel comfortable relying only on her. That man today, represented what God is to me. When I had no control over anything, I was scared out of my mind, and I thought that there was no one around to help, he was there. It's symbolic of what God is for us. God sent me that man today, to help me. Although I am in pain, that is one thing that I was protected from.

You may be critical of this post, and I respect that, but I felt the need to share how I feel right now. I need prayer, and I am not afraid to admit it. Sometimes even the strongest of us need someone to take us by the hand and lead us through to better days.

It Can't Be About Me.

I guess, for a while now I really have not practiced what I preach. I know the right words to say when others come to me for help, and I know that what I am telling them is directly from the Lord, but the truth is while I was telling them, I wasn't listening. After an eventful day yesterday, I spent hours in prayer. I couldn't sleep because my heart was heavy. Yesterday someone said something to me, that was everyhting I had been telling them. I felt hurt, and like everything I tried to make better, was thrown in my face. I asked the Lord last night to give me answers on where to go from here. I think that I finally figured out where this downward spiral took off. It was the day that I stopped making everything about the Lord, and started making it about myself.

My long drawn out pitty party needs to end. I am hurting the people around me, and that is why I am losing them. It has nothing to do with God hating me or trying to leave me all alone. It has to do with me not centering my life around God. The "why me" questions are wrong. I know that I am not the only one who is facing this problem right now. I go to public school, and I am involved in the media. I see the self centered world that we live in. I promised that I would never get caught up in it, but when it's offering you immediate satisfaction and you don't think that the Lord is listening, it's just "easier" to follow the world. My "me" centered attitude needs to change.

Part of centering life on the Lord, is giving everything in your life to Him. I tell everyone to do that all the time. It sounds like an easy thing, but I struggle with it. I give almost everything to Him. I hang onto small pieces of my life because I want control. I am scared to lose all control and leave it to the Lord. I know that He will do good in my life, and that my need for control is driving people away from me, but that fear doesn't just leave. I am playing the "what if" game. The only "what if" I need to focus on today is, "What If.... I gave every part of my life to the Lord?". He gave us an answer to that "what if".

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5-6. It does not say trust in the Lord with SOME of your heart, it says ALL. It does not say go ahead and lean on YOUR understanding, it says to lean on the Lord. He has the answers for everything. It also does not say that He is going to throw you into the world alone after you give Him control. It says that He WILL make our paths straight. We have been promised these things by our father and our creator.

I believe that what was said to me yesterday, was not my friend trying to hurt me, but the Lord speaking through someone I care about so that I would finally listen to Him telling me to let go. It won't happen over night, but the Lord has given me yet another chance, and I need to take it. I need to give up control of everything and hand it to the Lord, He is ready to take it from me and heal me but I need to give it all up to Him. Can you do it?

When Reality Hits.

Well today I was knocked down from my high seat. Everything was going perfectly in my life. I was living high with the Lord, I had good grades and I had an amazing guy friend who was really special to me. Even though I just had surgery, I had people that loved me, all around me. I think that I am hurt because I am dissapointed with myself. Today that boy told me basically that I was making him stumble on his walk with the Lord. I am not simply hurt that he left, I am more so hurt that through all of my work, I ended up hurting someone else.

The point of even just my blog was to share the message of the Lord with everyone that I knew. While I was doing all of this I find out that I am hurting someone else. It is unfair of me to expect him to stick around. Although Satan is jumping for joy right now, because of all this hurt, it won't last for long. I am working on forgiveness, and I give it to my friend. I hope that he can forgive me as well.

Blame is flying around everywhere right now. Part of that is because instead of coming right to me, my friend went to others. Then I did as well. I did not follow what the Lord said, immediately. I should have brought everything right to the person who I felt wronged me. I am still learning how to deal with situations when people hurt me. People are angry with me for messing this friendship up, and I will take the blame because I am strong enough to get over this. If he believes that the Lord is telling him, that I am a disruption in his life, then I must do the right thing, and leave. I cannot worry about who is being hurt in the process, because I cannot falter anyone else's walk.

In reading my bible, I came across Psalm 62:8, "Trust in Him at all times O people, pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge." He said it Himself. All of this confusion and this hurt, needs to be turned over to God, because He takes us and makes us whole again! At this time more than ever, I have to put my faith in the Lord, that He will heal me, and heal everyone involved in this situation. And remember, that every tear that falls from our eyes, is caught by our wonderful father!

I Will Be Your Rock.

Although it seems that we are facing a mountain ourselves, someone else's mountain might be bigger. It took me a while to understand that fact, but now I know that whatever I am going through, will be taken care of by the Lord, because He and I have such a strong relationship. There are others in my life that do not have that strong relationship. I am making a promise to be their rock. They need their "acountability partner" and I am here to fill that place.

I am blessed to understand the strength of the Lord, and to be able to spread that. I know that I am strong and I know that I can help someone else. Right now I am laying on the couch because I had surgery as many of you know, but spriritually, through the prayer of others, and my own prayer, I feel strong. I am blessed with the peace that I am going to make it through this small mountain and that the pain will not take over me.

Today was a rough day for many of my friends. I want to get rid of everyone that has hurt my friends, but I know that, that is not my place. However, I know also that if I bring it to the Lord for them, every person shall pass through judgment. Although it does not seem fair now, my friends who are righteous will be rewarded, and those who do evil against them, will be punished. Right now in the middle of it all, my friends cannot find the same peace that I have found with the Lord.

Isaiah 57:18  "I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will guide him and restore comfort to him". For all of my friends, and anyone else who feels that they are weak, remember who created you, and all those around you that love you. Right now I am strong, and I am here to be leaned on (not physically of course). I will not turn anyone away, because when I am feeling alone and lost, I hope that God will send one of His people to me, so that I may heal. I love the amazing life that I have been given. Everything that has happened to me, and is happening, makes me stronger, and brings me closer to the Lord.

If you are in need of a rock, and cannot get to the Lord alone, I will be here. Many people helped me keep on my path with the Lord, and I return the favor now to all of you. The Lord is perfect, and He has already saved us, we just need to remember that even in our toughest times.

With Many Prayers.

Yesterday was my first surgery that I have ever had. It was kind of a scary thing. Going into it however, so many of my friends sent their prayers my way. I am truly blessed to have so many of God's people keeping their prayers with me. Everything went well, and I am now sitting on my couch, fighting off sleep. My grandparents came to see me last night, but I don't really remember it. I was still on the medicine and slept through almost the whole day. This morning I begged my mom to let me go to Upward, so she did. Everyone there was so welcoming and I loved just being in the house of the Lord for a few hours. When my dad came at ten thirty, I was ready to go home. My leg is beginning to hurt, but I continue to pray that the Lord take care of me and let me have a fast recovery. I know that because of His amazing ways, and all of the people that prayed for me I will be fine. I made it through the actual ordeal, and now I will make it through the rest of my recovery.

For as long as I am able to remember, we have always prayed over those who needed it, and they have been healed. This week, it was my turn. The Lord's people put their hands over me and prayed for me. I knew that I would be safe, and that the Lord would keep His angels over me. I went into the surgery, not nervous, but in prayer. This post today is my thank you for all of those who promised me their prayers. I am blessed, to have all of you in my life. I am blessed by the Lord to be surrounded by His people when not everyone gets that opportunity!

The Love of God's People.

A few months ago, I decided to ask one of my friends if she wanted to go to church with me. I was getting rather close to her then, and I thought that she should be introduced to the other half of my life. She knew that I was Christian, and she had other Christian friends, but I think that God gave me the understanding that it was time to bring her to church with me. When I asked her, she was all for it, and she came. She has now been going every week, ever since then! Today she thanked me for bringing her, and encouraging her to pray. I always think that what I am doing is never enough to even compare to what the Lord did for me. I realized that, it is not about being the Lord, it's about bringing people to the Lord.

For the first time, I feel that through everything going on in my life, I have done something right. I have done something that is pleasing to the Lord. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in thinking about my sin, and how I don't deserve the Love that the Lord has given to me. I so easily forget that I am not awful, I make mistakes but mostly my heart is in the right place. Through this friend, the Lord let me see that I am okay, and that He is pleased with me.

"Then He said to His disciples, 'The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few, ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into His harvest field!" Matthew 9:37-38. The Lord has been so gracious to us, therefore it is our turn to be His workers and teach about what He has given to us. We have been blessed beyond our own understanding, and we need to make sure that others get the same chance to learn about the Lord.