About 15 months ago I wrote a post about God will. Specifically His will in the lives of my two baby sisters. I told you all that my will was getting me no where and that I had to let His will be done (His will was going to be done no matter what but He was very patient with me as I tried to be in control). It has been an incredibly long road. I have tried to put into words, what this past year has been like emotionally and spiritually. I've worked so hard at continuing to build my relationship with God, but its time that I am honest about this aspect of my life. The best way to describe the journey so far is through the lyrics of a song by an artist named Hillary Scott.
"I'm so confused, I know I heard You loud and clear. So I followed through, somehow I ended up here. I don't want to think, I may never understand, that my broken heart is a part of your plan. When I try to pray, all I got is hurt and these four words, Thy Will Be Done ".
Since that day (and even before that day) I prayed for His will. I have had to learn that peace wont come through MY will being done, but rather through His will being done. Of course no one said that His will would be easy. He is the only one who can see the whole picture. Still, I prayed every single night since the day that I watched the car pull away with my sisters in it, that I would get to hug them even just one more time. Its been a confusing time, and one that I never wanted to experience. One that brought me to my knees and reminded me that I cannot do this on my own.
I never knew how to explain how I truly felt when everyone would ask how I was doing. Honestly I gave the same recorded answer. My favorite response has always been that I am fine, sometimes that's true and other times its not true at all. I would tell them that I know this is all in God's plan and that His will would be done. I heard a song on the radio recently that perfectly described what these past 15 months have been for myself and my family. We had to completely trust in the fact that God's will was being done.
Some asked me, how I know that I can trust God's will. Hillary Scott helped answer that question better than I could answer it. My answer was usually, just because He is so much greater than me and that His will has never failed me before.
"I know You're good, but this don't feel good right now. I know You think, things I could never think about. Its hard to count it all joy, distracted by the noise. Just trying to make sense, of all Your promises. Sometimes I gotta stop, remember that You're God and I am not so, Thy Will Be Done."
I trust in His will, not because I am already joyful, or at peace, but because He is the maker of peace. He is the deliverer and the almighty. While I have sat in sorrow, I kept going because my God has a plan for me. One of my favorite lines in the song is when she sings about remember that God is God and that we are not. So often I got stuck in the idea that they were mine and that surely God was just testing us. I prayed that He would reveal His will to me. Even a sliver of it.
Slowly as the months went on, I saw little sneak peaks of His will already being done. Then we finally got the call. After 15 months we were going to get to see the kids. This wasn't just a visit. This was their adoption. It occurred in the same courthouse, with the same judge as their siblings. The same place where they asked us when it would be their turn. At that point I had this picture in my mind that the next time we were at that courthouse, we would be legally binding ourselves to these children.
However, today we watched a different story unfold. Our sweet girls were finally adopted, but no by us. They were adopted by another family, but what we couldn't see at first was how God's will would lead us. God placed them with another family of believers. A family who will nurture and grow our girls into God fearing and God loving young women. They are so loved by so many people. As hard as it was to let them God, God's will proved to be so much better than what would have happened if my will was done.
For some of you, it may be hard to believe that God's will could include us getting our hearts broken. Shouldn't He be mending our hearts, not breaking them? The truth is, that our God is good and if you are in pain now, there is something much greater in store but it takes patients and it takes us grasping the idea that there are times we may never understand God's will in certain situations.
If God is tugging at you right now, telling you to let His will be done, then just give in. We are not God and we cannot see the big picture. Understand this, He loves each of us and His will is good and pure and trustworthy. Today, after 15 months of prayer I held my sweet sisters in my arms, once again proving that prayer works and that God sees all. He knew from the moment that I said goodbye to them the first time, that on this day, I would hold them again. So for now I will continue to trust His will and I pray that you too can find comfort in His will. Rest easy, and be thankful for the little ones in your life because life is so precious.
"Pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" - 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18
Monday, July 18, 2016
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Distracted By Life
Before I begin, let me first say that I'm behind on a lot of things right now. Blogging being one of them, but more importantly I'm behind on my Bible reading. This year as a family my sister, my mom and I took on the challenge of reading the Bible in a year. Prior to the start of this journey, I was on my journey of prayer, which I am still on. For months I had this lazar like focus. I knew that distractions would come but I had made up my mind. Nothing would distract me. I kept up with my reading all the way through the month of May.
I am type A, if you haven't noticed, so I was reading on track, every day, and if I fell behind I would stay up late until I finished reading (honestly it was mostly the Old testament because it was so much to get through). Not one month went by when I didn't complete the reading for that specific month. So here I am, at the end of June panicking because for the first time, I didn't get my reading done. In the back of my mind, I guess I knew I wasn't doing my daily reading.
So finally today, I sat down to read, in my favorite spot by the big window. I was in the middle of reading Philippians when this fly showed up. He was bouncing off the window, buzzing around my head, flying all over and landing on my stuff. I put the Bible down and tried to chase that little thing all around, and then it hit me. How many "flies" have interrupted my time with God this month. How many times did I just get up to deal with something else instead of reading my Bible.
I really got to thinking about it. I have used every excuse I could this month. First it was that my Grandpa was sick, and I couldn't leave his side. Then He passed away and I needed some time to grieve. Then I got really sick, and lost my voice. I was so angry with God for letting me get sick (which was totally not His fault, I worked in a school). Then I had friends, and social media, and then I was too tired to read. Just how many times this month, did that fly buzz around my head and distract me from this journey that I was on.
I tell you all of that, not to get pity, but rather to show you that even when you don't expect it, distractions are everywhere. Whether its an actual fly, or whether its running your kids all over to all of their activities. Whether its work, or making dinner, or just simply being to tired. We all have those little flies that buzz around our heads. Satan loves it, he relishes in those little distractions.
I think that its time that I stop chasing the flies, and sit down and just be with God. Being with God in prayer and in the Word is how we grow. I've noticed that this month I have felt a little further away from God. I miss the closeness that I had when I was in prayer and in the Word every day. It is that desire that will motivate me to move forward and ignore the things around me. Its not going to be easy.
When we become followers of Christ we are given new life. Colossians 2: 6-7 says, "And now, just as you have accepted Christ Jesus and your Lord, you must continue to follow Him. Let your roots grow down into Him, and let your lives be built on Him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness". We are made new and we want the roots to grow in Him. I hope you have that same desire to know Him and love Him.
As I sit here typing this, I realize this is a distraction as well, but one that I felt led to chase. The fly is still buzzing around me, but for now, I have to learn to overcome the distraction and myself be filled with Christ. The world is going to throw a lot at us, but through Christ we will overcome this world and one day join Him in paradise where there will be no more distractions.
I am type A, if you haven't noticed, so I was reading on track, every day, and if I fell behind I would stay up late until I finished reading (honestly it was mostly the Old testament because it was so much to get through). Not one month went by when I didn't complete the reading for that specific month. So here I am, at the end of June panicking because for the first time, I didn't get my reading done. In the back of my mind, I guess I knew I wasn't doing my daily reading.
So finally today, I sat down to read, in my favorite spot by the big window. I was in the middle of reading Philippians when this fly showed up. He was bouncing off the window, buzzing around my head, flying all over and landing on my stuff. I put the Bible down and tried to chase that little thing all around, and then it hit me. How many "flies" have interrupted my time with God this month. How many times did I just get up to deal with something else instead of reading my Bible.
I really got to thinking about it. I have used every excuse I could this month. First it was that my Grandpa was sick, and I couldn't leave his side. Then He passed away and I needed some time to grieve. Then I got really sick, and lost my voice. I was so angry with God for letting me get sick (which was totally not His fault, I worked in a school). Then I had friends, and social media, and then I was too tired to read. Just how many times this month, did that fly buzz around my head and distract me from this journey that I was on.
I tell you all of that, not to get pity, but rather to show you that even when you don't expect it, distractions are everywhere. Whether its an actual fly, or whether its running your kids all over to all of their activities. Whether its work, or making dinner, or just simply being to tired. We all have those little flies that buzz around our heads. Satan loves it, he relishes in those little distractions.
I think that its time that I stop chasing the flies, and sit down and just be with God. Being with God in prayer and in the Word is how we grow. I've noticed that this month I have felt a little further away from God. I miss the closeness that I had when I was in prayer and in the Word every day. It is that desire that will motivate me to move forward and ignore the things around me. Its not going to be easy.
When we become followers of Christ we are given new life. Colossians 2: 6-7 says, "And now, just as you have accepted Christ Jesus and your Lord, you must continue to follow Him. Let your roots grow down into Him, and let your lives be built on Him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness". We are made new and we want the roots to grow in Him. I hope you have that same desire to know Him and love Him.
As I sit here typing this, I realize this is a distraction as well, but one that I felt led to chase. The fly is still buzzing around me, but for now, I have to learn to overcome the distraction and myself be filled with Christ. The world is going to throw a lot at us, but through Christ we will overcome this world and one day join Him in paradise where there will be no more distractions.
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
We Are God Made & Jesus Saved
I seem to have this reoccurring theme here, where I take a few months away from blogging and sharing my testimony. Each time there's always something different that keeps me away. As I stated in my last post, I have spent a lot more time in prayer, and learning about prayer. Things were going great for a while. I was happy and finding my joy in the Lord. Though I had not found permanent employment or found a direction for my life, I trusted that the Lord knew where I was going so I would just follow Him. In the back of my mind, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was waiting to see how Satan would attack me. I was certain that I could withstand anything.
Slowly but surely I began to lose my job. Bad things happened, new wounds were created, but I did my best to pretend that everything was alright. Often, when someone asked me how I was, I would say that I was fine, or that I would be fine. I figured that at some point I would be fine again. I just had to keep everyone out, or that's what I told myself anyway. I did a pretty good job for a while. But in the most recent months I began to pull away from my family, and my friends. It was easier that way. I could just be with God and everything would be okay. I myself have said that God answers prayer and that I believe in miracles.
I opened up to a friend recently and they could see me pulling away. It then took a family member asking me why I was dethatched, to get me to admit to something I had been fighting and trying to hide. The truth is, that although my relationship with Christ has gotten stronger, I am depressed. There is no sugar coating it anymore. I never wanted to admit to it, because it meant that I was weak. I felt, and had been told before that depression means that you aren't trusting God enough, or finding your joy in Him.
Soon after I admitted how I felt, I came across and article talking about what it means for a Christian to have mental health issues. In the article the author wrote that having a mental health issue, like depression has nothing to do with whether I believe in Jesus. I am here to tell you that I believe in Jesus Christ. He is my Lord and savior, but that doesn't change the fact that I a broken inside. It doesn't change the fact that I need help. He uses every situation in our lives. I cannot see what that is now, but there are so many other examples in my life where He has used tough situations to help me grow and assist others.
I have felt so alone. I thought that's what I wanted. I thought that if someone really wanted to love on me, they wouldn't accept my "I'm fine" response. Until recently everyone accepted my statement. Why wouldn't they? Satan has come in and tried to hurt me and pull me away, but I am telling you now that if you put your trust in the Lord, Satan is no match. He will try to hang onto you as long as he can. Let's face it, there are many of us who are battling Satan and its tiring to do by ourselves. I tried to hide my sin from God, but God knows.
There are some recent times in which I was faced with temptation and I went for it. I told myself that it didn't matter what I did, since obviously I am not a "good" Christian. I found love and friendship, but it wasn't what God wanted for me. Yet still, God kept on reaching down to take my hand. He put the right people in my life at this time. I hope that you will let Him do the same for you. This road that I am on is not even close to over. This is just the beginning, but I am tired of being shamed into putting on this fake front.
This path is scary and lonely, but it doesn't have to be. In "Living the Battle Plan", the author wrote, "Sometimes the most difficult, painful, fearful, or illogical path is the one that ends up being the open door, the one bearing God's fingerprints". We have walk the path that we have chosen, but we do not have to do it alone. God created us. We are God made, and Jesus saved.
If you get anything out of this, its for you to remember that we are prayerful people, but mental illness is a real thing. God created us and He created doctors and treatments. Never be afraid not to seek help based on the judgment of others. Above all else, thank Him even in the midst of a trial because He has never left you, and He has never left me.
Slowly but surely I began to lose my job. Bad things happened, new wounds were created, but I did my best to pretend that everything was alright. Often, when someone asked me how I was, I would say that I was fine, or that I would be fine. I figured that at some point I would be fine again. I just had to keep everyone out, or that's what I told myself anyway. I did a pretty good job for a while. But in the most recent months I began to pull away from my family, and my friends. It was easier that way. I could just be with God and everything would be okay. I myself have said that God answers prayer and that I believe in miracles.
I opened up to a friend recently and they could see me pulling away. It then took a family member asking me why I was dethatched, to get me to admit to something I had been fighting and trying to hide. The truth is, that although my relationship with Christ has gotten stronger, I am depressed. There is no sugar coating it anymore. I never wanted to admit to it, because it meant that I was weak. I felt, and had been told before that depression means that you aren't trusting God enough, or finding your joy in Him.
Soon after I admitted how I felt, I came across and article talking about what it means for a Christian to have mental health issues. In the article the author wrote that having a mental health issue, like depression has nothing to do with whether I believe in Jesus. I am here to tell you that I believe in Jesus Christ. He is my Lord and savior, but that doesn't change the fact that I a broken inside. It doesn't change the fact that I need help. He uses every situation in our lives. I cannot see what that is now, but there are so many other examples in my life where He has used tough situations to help me grow and assist others.
I have felt so alone. I thought that's what I wanted. I thought that if someone really wanted to love on me, they wouldn't accept my "I'm fine" response. Until recently everyone accepted my statement. Why wouldn't they? Satan has come in and tried to hurt me and pull me away, but I am telling you now that if you put your trust in the Lord, Satan is no match. He will try to hang onto you as long as he can. Let's face it, there are many of us who are battling Satan and its tiring to do by ourselves. I tried to hide my sin from God, but God knows.
There are some recent times in which I was faced with temptation and I went for it. I told myself that it didn't matter what I did, since obviously I am not a "good" Christian. I found love and friendship, but it wasn't what God wanted for me. Yet still, God kept on reaching down to take my hand. He put the right people in my life at this time. I hope that you will let Him do the same for you. This road that I am on is not even close to over. This is just the beginning, but I am tired of being shamed into putting on this fake front.
This path is scary and lonely, but it doesn't have to be. In "Living the Battle Plan", the author wrote, "Sometimes the most difficult, painful, fearful, or illogical path is the one that ends up being the open door, the one bearing God's fingerprints". We have walk the path that we have chosen, but we do not have to do it alone. God created us. We are God made, and Jesus saved.
If you get anything out of this, its for you to remember that we are prayerful people, but mental illness is a real thing. God created us and He created doctors and treatments. Never be afraid not to seek help based on the judgment of others. Above all else, thank Him even in the midst of a trial because He has never left you, and He has never left me.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
My Joy Comes From the Lord
Over the past few months I have learned a lot and a lot has happened. After graduation I really began searching for a job. At first I was looking for the perfect job and then I was looking for one that would get me in the door. That in itself was a big change for me. I had to learn to be okay with not having the "perfect" job. Then I realized, what makes a job "perfect". What I've found is that there is no such thing as the "perfect" or "dream" job for me. I want to work. I want to make a difference somewhere doing something where I can give my 100% no matter what.
I have filled out many applications and gone to workshops, taken online courses to build my resume, and have had a couple of interviews. Mostly I've had rejection. At first that was really getting to me. I was becoming disappointed and beating myself up for not being the "ideal" employee. Each time that I applied, I prayed to God asking Him to bless me with that job and help me get it. Which of course was a major source of disappointment because once again MY plan wasn't falling into place.
Recently I have been getting back into The Word, at a deeper level and trying to pray more. I began the journey of creating a War Room and stopping each and every day to pray despite what was happening, good or bad. At first it was difficult because I had so many other things on my mind. Slowly it has gotten easier and now if it were up to me I would rather pray in my War Room than eat, or sleep. My journey is not over, but I feel like something was missing from my life and all of a sudden I've found what I have really desired. In order to feel fulfilled with my life now and in the future I needed to fill myself with the Holy Spirit.
I was running on a "high" you might say. It was my senior year of college. I was doing so well, everything was pretty good. I was "healing" from the loss, I had a 4.0 GPA, my internship was going well. Then I graduated, and went on vacation where I was congratulated every few minutes. Then I came home. I assumed everyone would be looking to hire new graduates who were fresh out, and full of knowledge and the desire to work, but I was disappointed (you may notice the reoccurring theme). I was of course thanking the Lord for everything that was going so well, but I wasn't deeply thanking Him. I wasn't spending time with Him in prayer or in the Word because I was "busy" job hunting.
I began reading "the Battle Plan" book after watching The War Room, and for the first time in a while I'm joyful. That doesn't mean that disappointing things aren't happening, but they aren't eating away at me because I can cast my burdens on the Lord. I am not wallowing here by myself in a world of self pity and rejection. I am actively working on my relationship with the Lord and how I can change my life through Him. I am praying for Him to reveal His plan to me because my plan won't ever work.
In a meeting last week I was speaking with a very kind gentleman about a possible job opportunity. He explained the job to me and told me that in this field and in that job, there tended to be a lot of rejection. He said that a lot of young employees come in full of joy and ready to work, but six months later when they have faced so much rejection and only a small amount of "success", they lose that joy that they once had and tend to leave the job (he said it more business-like but for the purpose of this post I broke it down a little). He asked me what sort of rejection I have faced and I sort of laughed but tried to catch myself. In my life I have faced a lot of rejection... especially when I created my own plan to follow instead of asking God for His plan. I didn't think that was exactly the kind of rejection he meant so I didn't share that part with him but it was rather amusing to me.
He left me with the weekend to think about whether or not I thought I would be able to handle constant rejection and maintain my joy. I didn't really know what else to say to him after that. I didn't want to laugh, or jump to quickly into it because if he was going to give me the weekend I was going to use it to pray and make sure that I wasn't jumping at my own plan again. So I got in the car and called my mom to let her know I was done. She asked me how it went and I didn't quite know what to say except that, that meeting brought something to my attention.
I'm not like those other young employees who lost their joy. They lost their joy because they found joy in success at work, or success at gaining sales. When you place your joy in something like that, you are bound to lose that joy because your job is never a guarantee and you can't foresee whether a sale will go well or not before you make your pitch. So here's the difference; Here's what I walked away realizing; a rejection at work cannot make me lose my joy, an employment rejection cannot take my joy and a single person cannot take my joy because my joy comes from the Lord.
His joy is my joy and He is unchanging. My joy is found in the Lord and the love that He has for me, and I get to take peace in the fact that He already knows how my life is going to play out. He sees what is coming and He is leading me where I need to be and I finally can see that I need to step out of the way and let Him lead me. When someone tells you that prayer changes things, don't take that lightly as I did. I was praying before and I prayed a lot, but I was the one standing in the way before. I still have a long way to go but I will go where God leads me and if its to this job I will continue to find joy in Him no matter the rejection, if it's not I will keep moving forward because even if I have no idea what's going to happen next, I know the one person that does know, and I hope that you can feel this joy too. If you already feel this joy, I can't believe I was missing out on it before.
If you are reading this and you are skeptical I challenge you to pick up a copy of "The Battle Plan" by the Kendrick brothers and just read the whole introduction and try to complete the first little activity. If you agree with me, still read the book because we always have room to grow, so grow with me as I face this challenge. As always, don't be afraid to ask questions (either to me, or your pastor, a trusted leader in Christ, or pray about your questions). I pray that you can find this joy and keep your head up because things haven't changed in my situation yet but my outlook has changed and the rest will follow.
I have filled out many applications and gone to workshops, taken online courses to build my resume, and have had a couple of interviews. Mostly I've had rejection. At first that was really getting to me. I was becoming disappointed and beating myself up for not being the "ideal" employee. Each time that I applied, I prayed to God asking Him to bless me with that job and help me get it. Which of course was a major source of disappointment because once again MY plan wasn't falling into place.
Recently I have been getting back into The Word, at a deeper level and trying to pray more. I began the journey of creating a War Room and stopping each and every day to pray despite what was happening, good or bad. At first it was difficult because I had so many other things on my mind. Slowly it has gotten easier and now if it were up to me I would rather pray in my War Room than eat, or sleep. My journey is not over, but I feel like something was missing from my life and all of a sudden I've found what I have really desired. In order to feel fulfilled with my life now and in the future I needed to fill myself with the Holy Spirit.
I was running on a "high" you might say. It was my senior year of college. I was doing so well, everything was pretty good. I was "healing" from the loss, I had a 4.0 GPA, my internship was going well. Then I graduated, and went on vacation where I was congratulated every few minutes. Then I came home. I assumed everyone would be looking to hire new graduates who were fresh out, and full of knowledge and the desire to work, but I was disappointed (you may notice the reoccurring theme). I was of course thanking the Lord for everything that was going so well, but I wasn't deeply thanking Him. I wasn't spending time with Him in prayer or in the Word because I was "busy" job hunting.
I began reading "the Battle Plan" book after watching The War Room, and for the first time in a while I'm joyful. That doesn't mean that disappointing things aren't happening, but they aren't eating away at me because I can cast my burdens on the Lord. I am not wallowing here by myself in a world of self pity and rejection. I am actively working on my relationship with the Lord and how I can change my life through Him. I am praying for Him to reveal His plan to me because my plan won't ever work.
In a meeting last week I was speaking with a very kind gentleman about a possible job opportunity. He explained the job to me and told me that in this field and in that job, there tended to be a lot of rejection. He said that a lot of young employees come in full of joy and ready to work, but six months later when they have faced so much rejection and only a small amount of "success", they lose that joy that they once had and tend to leave the job (he said it more business-like but for the purpose of this post I broke it down a little). He asked me what sort of rejection I have faced and I sort of laughed but tried to catch myself. In my life I have faced a lot of rejection... especially when I created my own plan to follow instead of asking God for His plan. I didn't think that was exactly the kind of rejection he meant so I didn't share that part with him but it was rather amusing to me.
He left me with the weekend to think about whether or not I thought I would be able to handle constant rejection and maintain my joy. I didn't really know what else to say to him after that. I didn't want to laugh, or jump to quickly into it because if he was going to give me the weekend I was going to use it to pray and make sure that I wasn't jumping at my own plan again. So I got in the car and called my mom to let her know I was done. She asked me how it went and I didn't quite know what to say except that, that meeting brought something to my attention.
I'm not like those other young employees who lost their joy. They lost their joy because they found joy in success at work, or success at gaining sales. When you place your joy in something like that, you are bound to lose that joy because your job is never a guarantee and you can't foresee whether a sale will go well or not before you make your pitch. So here's the difference; Here's what I walked away realizing; a rejection at work cannot make me lose my joy, an employment rejection cannot take my joy and a single person cannot take my joy because my joy comes from the Lord.
His joy is my joy and He is unchanging. My joy is found in the Lord and the love that He has for me, and I get to take peace in the fact that He already knows how my life is going to play out. He sees what is coming and He is leading me where I need to be and I finally can see that I need to step out of the way and let Him lead me. When someone tells you that prayer changes things, don't take that lightly as I did. I was praying before and I prayed a lot, but I was the one standing in the way before. I still have a long way to go but I will go where God leads me and if its to this job I will continue to find joy in Him no matter the rejection, if it's not I will keep moving forward because even if I have no idea what's going to happen next, I know the one person that does know, and I hope that you can feel this joy too. If you already feel this joy, I can't believe I was missing out on it before.
If you are reading this and you are skeptical I challenge you to pick up a copy of "The Battle Plan" by the Kendrick brothers and just read the whole introduction and try to complete the first little activity. If you agree with me, still read the book because we always have room to grow, so grow with me as I face this challenge. As always, don't be afraid to ask questions (either to me, or your pastor, a trusted leader in Christ, or pray about your questions). I pray that you can find this joy and keep your head up because things haven't changed in my situation yet but my outlook has changed and the rest will follow.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
My War Room
I haven't posted in a while. I have spent the past few months just thinking over everything that has happened in the past year. Most of which was awful, and some of it was wonderful. I haven't been able to bring myself to post some of the blogs that I have written because they just never felt complete. Eventually I realized that I've just grown tired. Tired of putting on a smile and pretending that everything is okay. Sometimes it is and other times its not. I stopped posting Facebook statuses because I realized I had nothing to say anymore. So I shared pictures because pictures say a thousand words. Its been lonely and I've learned a lot.
I've watched all around me as my friends have gotten married and had children, or gradated college and had jobs in their desired field right away, or have the opportunity to afford Grad school. But here I am, stuck in a rut. Everyone has an opinion on what I should be doing, or how I should be living. They also say that they "all went through this as well", or my favorite is, "Hang in there, it doesn't happen overnight". So I stopped talking. Stopped giving them honest answers from my heart and smiled and agreed. All the while feeling worse and worse about where I am. I couldn't put into words how I was truly feeling until I spoke with a close friend. She told me that I was feeling left behind. As soon as she said that I had the words to describe what these past few months have felt like.
So finally I knew how to pray. I realized that I wasn't really alone these past few months because I have spent so much time building my relationship with the Lord because He is the only one who knows what I'm going through and He knows what my future will be just as He knows what everyone else's futures will be. I stopped caring about what everyone wanted me to do, and what I wanted me to do because it's not in anyone else's hands and it's not in mine. God has a plan for me and I know that He has something good in my future.
Spiritually, I haven't been set on fire like I have been in the past. And then yesterday my Mom took me to see a movie called the "War Room". I was excited to see it, but I knew it was just a movie. However, I can tell you now that, that movie changed my life. This older woman was selling her house but inside her house she had this little room and she called it her war room. During the movie she spent time with a woman who was spiritually cold and struggling with her life. The war room was where she did her praying. It was empty from all distractions except her prayers that she wrote out and posted on the wall. So often we find ourselves so distracted by so many things and this room was a way to shut out the physical distractions.
One assignment that the main character gave to the woman she was witnessing to, was to write down all of the things that she believed her husband has done wrong. The woman doing the writing said that it would take a very long list. Eventually she got three pages down and the main character looked at the list and said that despite everything on that list that her husband had done wrong, God still loved him. I had to pause and think about the lists that I have created of people's wrong doings and how they have hurt me. Its a completely new way of thinking. That despite what a person has done wrong in our eyes, God still loves them, and despite the list someone could make about each of us, God still loves us.
It was a hard concept to grasp, but I realized that although I pray each day, my prayer life was no where near where it needed to be. I hold on to my struggles and pray for things. I pray selfishly for God to take wrath on my "enemies" and those that hurt me. Something also said in the movie, was that people are not the enemy. There is a much greater enemy that is waging war. That enemy is Satan and when we sit down and let our prayer lives get cold, we are inviting him into our homes and into our lives. We let in the lies, and the deceptions and the pain.
I urge you to go see that movie. It may seem like just another movie but its so much more than that. We know that God can speak to us in many different ways. He knew this movie would be created and He knew that I would be going to watch it at this time in my life when I needed this reminder. So from this moment on, I am not going to let my prayer life get any colder. I am going to kneel in my own prayer room and wage a spiritual war, banishing Satan from my home and from my life.
This sounds like a bunch of crazy talk but after being stuck in this rut for so long, there is a new light reminding me that I am not alone and that I can't just sit back and watch. I have to participate and grow my prayer life and my time with God. I will pray for people I never wanted to pray for, and it will be a difficult thing to do but God watched as His son was tortured on the cross to save us from our sins. If He could do that, then I can learn to pray for my "enemies" (who aren't really enemies). God isn't leaving us alone in this battle but we must have a plan and we must call on the name of the Lord to execute that plan because its His plan that matters the most.
So no more being left behind and no more sitting down waiting for things to get better. I am a prayer warrior and a child of the one true King. I pray that one day you will feel the same burn that has set my heart on fire again!
I've watched all around me as my friends have gotten married and had children, or gradated college and had jobs in their desired field right away, or have the opportunity to afford Grad school. But here I am, stuck in a rut. Everyone has an opinion on what I should be doing, or how I should be living. They also say that they "all went through this as well", or my favorite is, "Hang in there, it doesn't happen overnight". So I stopped talking. Stopped giving them honest answers from my heart and smiled and agreed. All the while feeling worse and worse about where I am. I couldn't put into words how I was truly feeling until I spoke with a close friend. She told me that I was feeling left behind. As soon as she said that I had the words to describe what these past few months have felt like.
So finally I knew how to pray. I realized that I wasn't really alone these past few months because I have spent so much time building my relationship with the Lord because He is the only one who knows what I'm going through and He knows what my future will be just as He knows what everyone else's futures will be. I stopped caring about what everyone wanted me to do, and what I wanted me to do because it's not in anyone else's hands and it's not in mine. God has a plan for me and I know that He has something good in my future.
Spiritually, I haven't been set on fire like I have been in the past. And then yesterday my Mom took me to see a movie called the "War Room". I was excited to see it, but I knew it was just a movie. However, I can tell you now that, that movie changed my life. This older woman was selling her house but inside her house she had this little room and she called it her war room. During the movie she spent time with a woman who was spiritually cold and struggling with her life. The war room was where she did her praying. It was empty from all distractions except her prayers that she wrote out and posted on the wall. So often we find ourselves so distracted by so many things and this room was a way to shut out the physical distractions.
One assignment that the main character gave to the woman she was witnessing to, was to write down all of the things that she believed her husband has done wrong. The woman doing the writing said that it would take a very long list. Eventually she got three pages down and the main character looked at the list and said that despite everything on that list that her husband had done wrong, God still loved him. I had to pause and think about the lists that I have created of people's wrong doings and how they have hurt me. Its a completely new way of thinking. That despite what a person has done wrong in our eyes, God still loves them, and despite the list someone could make about each of us, God still loves us.
It was a hard concept to grasp, but I realized that although I pray each day, my prayer life was no where near where it needed to be. I hold on to my struggles and pray for things. I pray selfishly for God to take wrath on my "enemies" and those that hurt me. Something also said in the movie, was that people are not the enemy. There is a much greater enemy that is waging war. That enemy is Satan and when we sit down and let our prayer lives get cold, we are inviting him into our homes and into our lives. We let in the lies, and the deceptions and the pain.
I urge you to go see that movie. It may seem like just another movie but its so much more than that. We know that God can speak to us in many different ways. He knew this movie would be created and He knew that I would be going to watch it at this time in my life when I needed this reminder. So from this moment on, I am not going to let my prayer life get any colder. I am going to kneel in my own prayer room and wage a spiritual war, banishing Satan from my home and from my life.
This sounds like a bunch of crazy talk but after being stuck in this rut for so long, there is a new light reminding me that I am not alone and that I can't just sit back and watch. I have to participate and grow my prayer life and my time with God. I will pray for people I never wanted to pray for, and it will be a difficult thing to do but God watched as His son was tortured on the cross to save us from our sins. If He could do that, then I can learn to pray for my "enemies" (who aren't really enemies). God isn't leaving us alone in this battle but we must have a plan and we must call on the name of the Lord to execute that plan because its His plan that matters the most.
So no more being left behind and no more sitting down waiting for things to get better. I am a prayer warrior and a child of the one true King. I pray that one day you will feel the same burn that has set my heart on fire again!
Monday, June 15, 2015
A Little Change
In church yesterday, the sermon talked about the Gospel message. It was a call to the non-believers to commit their lives to Christ. I sat there thinking, I am already committed and re-committed, so what does it have to do with me? Near the end of the sermon the Pastor spoke to those of us who are strong in our faith and have already made that life changing commitment. He said that when we hear this message we should look back at our own walk and our testimony of faith and thank God for everything He has done and has yet to do.
I created this blog almost five years ago so that I could share my testimony. My testimony of faith did not begin and end on the day that I accepted the Lord, it was the beginning to a crazy journey that has yet to be completed. I have reaffirmed my faith multiple times as I have grown older and gained more understanding of the true relationship that I have with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. The message yesterday reminded me why I started writing in the first place. It wasn't just to share my thoughts and feelings, though sometimes I do share those, it was to share with everyone what life is like when you accept the Lord (I hope I have at least shown that some).
When I think about the unbelievers all around me, miserable, and broken, searching for something to fill that hole, my heart cries out. I have the answer hidden in my heart of a life full of trials but also full of triumphs. Christian life is by no means easy, in fact sometimes I think its harder but its worth it. When life is falling apart I can lean on the Lord and the knowledge that someday all of this pain will end and we will one day be perfect, sitting by the Lord in Heaven. Its a wonderful feeling to be "whole" in your most broken state. Jesus is not a band aid that will fix your problem if you accept Him for a certain time. He is the ultimate healer.
So here's my most recent testimony. I have been tested beyond what I could have ever imagined possible. In the past year, as most of you know, I lost two Uncles, my Grandma (who was a second mother to me) and my Aunt Mat (the last living sister of my Grandma). I lost my twin sisters that have lived with us for four years. Family dynamics with the rest of the family have become a tad strained because of all the loss and confusion. The worst part about losing those relatives was that I don't know if all of them were saved. I may never see them again and its hard to be at peace when I am so unsure.
Along with all of that, I have learned what it feels like to not feel safe in your own home, I know what its like to be beaten up, and I know what its like to feel that anger that comes through the mouth of Satan. I wanted to lash out and hurt the person that hurt me, and that feeling scared me. I learned that I am not as strong as I thought I was and that I cannot protect myself alone. I am not strong enough to do it on my own, emotionally, physically or spiritually. I have been bullied, and stepped all over and cried myself to sleep for months at a time. I felt trapped in a rut that I couldn't get out of with no real purpose or drive after graduation. I was so confused.
However (here's the awesome part), through all of that fear, and loss and pain, I graduated college with honors, received a 4.0, I have healed from the physical abuse and I have had the chance to learn from this. I have had a wake up call to the anger that I was holding against someone who is just as broken as I am and needed help, not punishment. Still working on the anger part of course. God brought people into my life during that time that have helped carry me when I didn't feel like walking. He placed little children in my life who hug me, and remind me every single day that God is always working through even the smallest of souls.
When my extended family was at odds, my church family came in and took over. I lost sisters, but I also gained a sister. A sister in Christ who is by all means, except blood, my sister. Letting my wall come down and showing my vulnerability is something that I never wanted to do after being hurt so many times but there was that pull coming from the Lord telling me to let it go and take the wall down. He reminded me that my immediate family is not alone.
During these past few months our family shrunk to four members. I felt so empty at the thought of it just being the four of us again because our house used to be so full of life. God gave us this opportunity to heal with each other and be a family together just the four of us. The healing had to be done through us and continues to be done through us as we learn again, to be a family of four adults. Its a time of discovery again that we would have never gotten if things had stayed just as I wanted them.
My biggest fear in life is change. I hate it, I'm terrified of it. After I graduated I felt like I had to stay put. So many changes had already happened without my permission and I was scared to see anymore. I figured I would live with my parents until I got married and then stay in the same town forever. I'm sure that God got a good chuckle out of my stubbornness. He already knew His plan for me and He knows my future. We went down to Florida and I was scared to go because I didn't want to come home and find out everyone was just fine without us and didn't miss us.
While down there something clicked one day. Out of no where I suddenly was excited for some change. I found so many opportunities. Its like the Lord opened my eyes to a life that I was so afraid to have. It all became real, I felt this sort of freedom that I had been preventing for so long. I thought I was following God's will by saying I would never leave but selfishly I was ignoring Him because I didn't want things to change.
Life is full of changes. I don't know where those changes will take me or when they are going to happen but I know that God has this in His hands and that I am safe, and God will take care of me no matter where I go in life. Just like my life changes, my Testimony has changes. I am no longer the girl that is stuck in a rut hiding from change, though it will not happen overnight and I have a long way to go, I feel like I have a fresh start.
It is my desire for everyone to feel the love of Christ. To have a peace that through every single storm there is someone who is firm as a rock. Jesus Christ is unchanging. I fear change and as so many changes happen I can focus on God who will never change. I pray that God can reach those who don't know Him and that they will be open to a change. Its a life changing decision and cannot be taken lightly but its amazing when you take that first step of accepting the Lord into your heart and your life.
I created this blog almost five years ago so that I could share my testimony. My testimony of faith did not begin and end on the day that I accepted the Lord, it was the beginning to a crazy journey that has yet to be completed. I have reaffirmed my faith multiple times as I have grown older and gained more understanding of the true relationship that I have with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. The message yesterday reminded me why I started writing in the first place. It wasn't just to share my thoughts and feelings, though sometimes I do share those, it was to share with everyone what life is like when you accept the Lord (I hope I have at least shown that some).
When I think about the unbelievers all around me, miserable, and broken, searching for something to fill that hole, my heart cries out. I have the answer hidden in my heart of a life full of trials but also full of triumphs. Christian life is by no means easy, in fact sometimes I think its harder but its worth it. When life is falling apart I can lean on the Lord and the knowledge that someday all of this pain will end and we will one day be perfect, sitting by the Lord in Heaven. Its a wonderful feeling to be "whole" in your most broken state. Jesus is not a band aid that will fix your problem if you accept Him for a certain time. He is the ultimate healer.
So here's my most recent testimony. I have been tested beyond what I could have ever imagined possible. In the past year, as most of you know, I lost two Uncles, my Grandma (who was a second mother to me) and my Aunt Mat (the last living sister of my Grandma). I lost my twin sisters that have lived with us for four years. Family dynamics with the rest of the family have become a tad strained because of all the loss and confusion. The worst part about losing those relatives was that I don't know if all of them were saved. I may never see them again and its hard to be at peace when I am so unsure.
Along with all of that, I have learned what it feels like to not feel safe in your own home, I know what its like to be beaten up, and I know what its like to feel that anger that comes through the mouth of Satan. I wanted to lash out and hurt the person that hurt me, and that feeling scared me. I learned that I am not as strong as I thought I was and that I cannot protect myself alone. I am not strong enough to do it on my own, emotionally, physically or spiritually. I have been bullied, and stepped all over and cried myself to sleep for months at a time. I felt trapped in a rut that I couldn't get out of with no real purpose or drive after graduation. I was so confused.
However (here's the awesome part), through all of that fear, and loss and pain, I graduated college with honors, received a 4.0, I have healed from the physical abuse and I have had the chance to learn from this. I have had a wake up call to the anger that I was holding against someone who is just as broken as I am and needed help, not punishment. Still working on the anger part of course. God brought people into my life during that time that have helped carry me when I didn't feel like walking. He placed little children in my life who hug me, and remind me every single day that God is always working through even the smallest of souls.
When my extended family was at odds, my church family came in and took over. I lost sisters, but I also gained a sister. A sister in Christ who is by all means, except blood, my sister. Letting my wall come down and showing my vulnerability is something that I never wanted to do after being hurt so many times but there was that pull coming from the Lord telling me to let it go and take the wall down. He reminded me that my immediate family is not alone.
During these past few months our family shrunk to four members. I felt so empty at the thought of it just being the four of us again because our house used to be so full of life. God gave us this opportunity to heal with each other and be a family together just the four of us. The healing had to be done through us and continues to be done through us as we learn again, to be a family of four adults. Its a time of discovery again that we would have never gotten if things had stayed just as I wanted them.
My biggest fear in life is change. I hate it, I'm terrified of it. After I graduated I felt like I had to stay put. So many changes had already happened without my permission and I was scared to see anymore. I figured I would live with my parents until I got married and then stay in the same town forever. I'm sure that God got a good chuckle out of my stubbornness. He already knew His plan for me and He knows my future. We went down to Florida and I was scared to go because I didn't want to come home and find out everyone was just fine without us and didn't miss us.
While down there something clicked one day. Out of no where I suddenly was excited for some change. I found so many opportunities. Its like the Lord opened my eyes to a life that I was so afraid to have. It all became real, I felt this sort of freedom that I had been preventing for so long. I thought I was following God's will by saying I would never leave but selfishly I was ignoring Him because I didn't want things to change.
Life is full of changes. I don't know where those changes will take me or when they are going to happen but I know that God has this in His hands and that I am safe, and God will take care of me no matter where I go in life. Just like my life changes, my Testimony has changes. I am no longer the girl that is stuck in a rut hiding from change, though it will not happen overnight and I have a long way to go, I feel like I have a fresh start.
It is my desire for everyone to feel the love of Christ. To have a peace that through every single storm there is someone who is firm as a rock. Jesus Christ is unchanging. I fear change and as so many changes happen I can focus on God who will never change. I pray that God can reach those who don't know Him and that they will be open to a change. Its a life changing decision and cannot be taken lightly but its amazing when you take that first step of accepting the Lord into your heart and your life.
Friday, April 3, 2015
We Have Been Saved
Easter is a holiday that so many of us celebrate. We have the Easter bunny (if your family chooses to go the Easter Bunny route as mine did), we have egg hunts, and cute little outfits, family get togethers, and so much more. For Christians we know that this holiday is about so much more than all of that. It is so fun to wake up and have a basket full of goodies ready Easter morning but we also know that this holiday is celebrated in remembrance of Jesus Christ rising from the grave.
A verse that has really been on my mind is John 3:16. Its a verse that I have heard and said a million times. It has become something that we just memorized as kids and when someone wants us to recite a verse we say that one. The little tiny kids know it and those that aren't even believers know it. Just because, I'm going to share it again.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." - John 3:16 (NIV)
Most of you know that a month ago we lost my two sisters. We have lost children before but this one was the hardest. We had spent four years with them and we were sure that they were ours forever. We had to tell them that they were leaving, we had to watch them cry, and we had to force them to get into a car with another family because we know that God has a plan for them. It didn't make it any less painful. We knew that in the end God would take care of them but the pain is real and the pain doesn't stop.
Any of you who have ever lost a child in any way, know the pain that comes with it. They had so much more of their lives to be with you. Its heartbreaking. You desire to love on them and protect them and hold them. Sometimes when I think about it, I feel like my heart is being torn out of my chest. I KNOW that God has this in His hands but it really doesn't change the sorrow right now. In anger sometimes I would think, how can God take someone's child? Doesn't He know how painful this is? He just doesn't understand how horrible this is? All of those are valid feelings and though I honestly know the answer sometimes your heart and your head don't match up.
God does know the pain though, that's the thing. Yesterday was Maundy Thursday. The night that many, many years ago Jesus sat down at a table and ate His final supper. He knew that night that one of His men had betrayed Him. Today He would be dragged around, tortured and finally hung on a cross to die a slow and very painful death. We know that He would be raised from the dead but that doesn't make what happened to Him any less understandable. He was someone's child. Mary carried Him and gave birth to Him. She loved Him and she cared for Him for 33 years. It was HER child that was humiliated. It was HER child that was tortured, she watched Him bleed from all the wounds and she watched them nail His hands and feet to, two wooden boards. Then she watched Him bleed out and die. Her child was murdered in front of her.
God gave us HIS ONLY son. He knew that we are sinners and that we needed to be saved. Most parents would DIE for their children. I would die to save my baby sisters. Our lives were all on the line, our lives and those before us, and the lives of those that we will leave behind some day. God wanted to save us because we are adopted into His family as His children. However, in order to save us He had to sacrifice His son. I know, that He knew His son would be raised from the dead but Jesus was His CHILD. He had to watch His son go through pain, He had to hear His son cry out for Him one last time. He watched them beat Jesus until He could barely walk.
Any of you who have children or who love a child know how hard it is to watch them in pain. I am not a mother but I am a big sister. I know how much it hurt to watch them hurt and someday I will now what it feels like to watch my child go though life but I know that its hard. You never want your child to feel pain of any kind. God had the power to stop it but if He had, we wouldn't be here. He made the ultimate sacrifice to save us. If that doesn't give you a reason to live and a reason to love Him, I don't know what will. He literally GAVE us His son to save US. We are saved because He let His child be tortured and die.
The amazing news is this, we are SAVED by GRACE. We have been saved through the love of Jesus Christ. He rose again and we have been blessed. So this Easter, look a little deeper and see just how special this Holy day is. God Bless and have a Happy Resurrection Day!
A verse that has really been on my mind is John 3:16. Its a verse that I have heard and said a million times. It has become something that we just memorized as kids and when someone wants us to recite a verse we say that one. The little tiny kids know it and those that aren't even believers know it. Just because, I'm going to share it again.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." - John 3:16 (NIV)
Most of you know that a month ago we lost my two sisters. We have lost children before but this one was the hardest. We had spent four years with them and we were sure that they were ours forever. We had to tell them that they were leaving, we had to watch them cry, and we had to force them to get into a car with another family because we know that God has a plan for them. It didn't make it any less painful. We knew that in the end God would take care of them but the pain is real and the pain doesn't stop.
Any of you who have ever lost a child in any way, know the pain that comes with it. They had so much more of their lives to be with you. Its heartbreaking. You desire to love on them and protect them and hold them. Sometimes when I think about it, I feel like my heart is being torn out of my chest. I KNOW that God has this in His hands but it really doesn't change the sorrow right now. In anger sometimes I would think, how can God take someone's child? Doesn't He know how painful this is? He just doesn't understand how horrible this is? All of those are valid feelings and though I honestly know the answer sometimes your heart and your head don't match up.
God does know the pain though, that's the thing. Yesterday was Maundy Thursday. The night that many, many years ago Jesus sat down at a table and ate His final supper. He knew that night that one of His men had betrayed Him. Today He would be dragged around, tortured and finally hung on a cross to die a slow and very painful death. We know that He would be raised from the dead but that doesn't make what happened to Him any less understandable. He was someone's child. Mary carried Him and gave birth to Him. She loved Him and she cared for Him for 33 years. It was HER child that was humiliated. It was HER child that was tortured, she watched Him bleed from all the wounds and she watched them nail His hands and feet to, two wooden boards. Then she watched Him bleed out and die. Her child was murdered in front of her.
God gave us HIS ONLY son. He knew that we are sinners and that we needed to be saved. Most parents would DIE for their children. I would die to save my baby sisters. Our lives were all on the line, our lives and those before us, and the lives of those that we will leave behind some day. God wanted to save us because we are adopted into His family as His children. However, in order to save us He had to sacrifice His son. I know, that He knew His son would be raised from the dead but Jesus was His CHILD. He had to watch His son go through pain, He had to hear His son cry out for Him one last time. He watched them beat Jesus until He could barely walk.
Any of you who have children or who love a child know how hard it is to watch them in pain. I am not a mother but I am a big sister. I know how much it hurt to watch them hurt and someday I will now what it feels like to watch my child go though life but I know that its hard. You never want your child to feel pain of any kind. God had the power to stop it but if He had, we wouldn't be here. He made the ultimate sacrifice to save us. If that doesn't give you a reason to live and a reason to love Him, I don't know what will. He literally GAVE us His son to save US. We are saved because He let His child be tortured and die.
The amazing news is this, we are SAVED by GRACE. We have been saved through the love of Jesus Christ. He rose again and we have been blessed. So this Easter, look a little deeper and see just how special this Holy day is. God Bless and have a Happy Resurrection Day!
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