Time of Reflection

I wrote this post on February 25, 2015. I was going through some old posts that I never posted and this was one of them. To give you a little context, this was written two days before the twins left us. I'm sharing this with you now, asking you to read all the way through because I'm going to update you on how God has been working in my life through this.

2.25.15 ---- In the car a couple of weeks ago I was thinking about everything that was happening with the kids and with my family. I honestly can say that I knew I needed prayer but I had no idea what to pray. We were trying to listen to the Christian radio station but of course it never really works. For a few seconds, however, it did work. The lyrics that I heard stopped me in my train of thought. The words were,

"I can barely stand right now, everything is crashing down, and I wonder where You are... I try to find the words to pray, I don't always know what to say but You're the one that can hear my heart, and even though I don't know what Your plan is, I know You make beauty from these ashes... I've seen joy and I've seen pain and on my knees I call Your name, here's my broken hallelujah, with nothing left to hold on to, I raise these empty hands to You, here's my broken hallelujah"

The reason that they struck me was because they explained exactly what I was feeling. At that moment I was reminded that God sees the pain in my life. I feel like I'm drowning some days, and I'm in a state of confusion for the rest of the days. In less than five days I will be saying goodbye to a part of myself. I know that God is in control and that He has a plan but when it comes down to it, I have questions just like everyone else. I do wonder sometimes where God is in this situation and I have wondered where He has been in other situations. The problem is that I'm not really looking for Him. I'm too busy being hurt and distraught.

When I sit at night with the girls and snuggle so many thoughts go through my head. Like why didn't I appreciate snuggling more, or why didn't I take the time to come home more often and put them on the bus, or take them out to dinner. I guess in my heart I always thought they would be mine forever. Again it goes back to my will verses God's will. When I hold them while they are crying and begging not to leave, I turn to God and I literally do not have the words to pray. I cannot form words in that state of mind. Its heartbreaking.

What I need to realize is that when I'm asking where God is, He has been right beside me the whole time. This song reminds me that although I think life is just full of pain, He has brought me joy out of terrible pain in the past. We all go through pain and loss, this isn't the first time for me. I've lost sisters before, friends have passed away and so has family. When it happens I'm lost in a sea of hurt and I really can't remember a time that was joyous.

No matter what is going wrong in my life, or who I'm losing, the one thing I can't do is turn my back on God. He is the one that makes my life beautiful and He is the one that can bring me through this pain. He will be the one to go with the twins and love them and be with them, because He is in their hearts. I take comfort in knowing that my Great Big God is with them when I cannot be. Sunday will be a battle for myself and anyone who knew the twins. Saying goodbye when no one involved has a choice in the matter, is harder than having a choice to say goodbye.

Each time that I have broken down these past few weeks, I am on my knees, and I want to pray but I don't even know what to pray for. I can't pray to keep them, I can't pray for a painless transition. What I can do is give God all of me, and everything I have. I do raise my empty hands and through the tears, and the hugs, and the peace, and the sorrow, I will always say my broken hallelujah. I am a broken person, I am a sinful person as we all are but God waits for us to cry out His name, and even if that's all I can get out, I give it all to Him. ---

I remember being in that broken place. I also remember what happened a few days later. I never thought I would get over that heart break. It has been more than two years since I wrote that. So many things have changed. There has been more loss and more pain, but there has been joy. When I didn't have the words to pray, the Lord knew what I needed. We have had two years to grow as a family, to heal and to bond. Each of us had to come together from our own broken places and watch as God made repairs.

During these two years, we were able to watch the twins get adopted by another Christian family who loves them. It was a bittersweet day. Our plans were vastly different from God's plan, but His plan is always better. I can now find comfort in knowing that they are where God wants them to be. I have been able to use what I learned through the twins, with kids that I work with at school. I am always drawn to the kids who remind me of the girls.

The Lord has been preparing me for each moment that has occurred since that loss. He used that pain for good. I won't pretend that the pain is gone. Any loss leaves it's mark, but what I can tell you is that it gets better. You won't be stuck in the broken, lonely place forever. There is a story being written by an Author who loves us. He uses every circumstance in our life for good. It may take a week, a month, two years or more, but His plan will be revealed to you. For me, it's still a work in progress, but healing has begun. I have the words to pray now. I am able to express what I need from Him.

A Peace That Passes Understanding

If you've ever been around young children for any period of time, you quickly learn that their favorite, and most annoying question they ask is, "why?". I can tell them to do anything, and they will automatically want to know why. Why am I asking them to do that? Why should they have to do that? Why is it important? I find myself getting frustrated and impatient when they questioning my reasoning for giving them a direction. Wouldn't it just be easier if they would follow through with what I have said? It would certainly be easier on me.

Over the past 6 or so years, I have documented some of the bigger dealings in my life through this blog. I have shared with you how the Lord has worked through those things, or is working through them to this day. Although I know that He has a plan, I still find myself going to Him like a child asking Him why? I see tragedy all around in the lives of those I love and care about and I turn to God and ask Him why. How does this plan make sense. I pester Him in prayer, asking over and over, why. Why should this be the way things are? Why would You (the Lord) allow this to happen? What do You expect us to do now? Just. Like. A. Child. I want to know why.

 Here's the honest truth, there are some tragedies in my life that have occurred, that I have now received an answer as to why they occurred. That's not the case with a lot of our lives. A lot of my "why's" haven't been answered, and I'm sure that many of yours haven't either. I used to feel such guilt every time I asked the Lord why. As if asking that meant that I didn't have enough faith in Him to get me through it. The awesome part about our loving Lord, is that we can come to Him with ANYTHING. That means that although I can't stand being asked "why" 50 times a day by kindergarteners, He can handle me asking Him why 600 times a day.

So here I am today, still asking Him why. Why did You take that man from his family at his young age? Why did you let those children be taken away from people who love them? Why did another relative get cancer and die? Why did her heart have to be broken? Why? I know that you have questions similar to mine, and so many more of your own "why" questions. Let me tell you this, He is listening. He sees you in the midst of this storm. He hears your crying and He loves you. It may not feel like it right now, but that's okay, because it's the truth.

I came across this quote recently that reads,
"Man asks why. Jesus asks how. Man asks, 'Why did this happen?' Jesus asks, 'How might My Father's glory be displayed through this situation?'" - Laura Story.

What if when we asked why, we also asked how. How will He use this for His glory. How many lives will be changed because of this situation? During our most recent loss, I found myself asking how instead of why. I can be very logical about certain things. When a loved one passes away, I like to know the medical logic behind the tragedy. It helps me make sense of why someone I love would need to leave their earthly bodies. Now I want to know how that loss, how that pain will be turned into good. How will the situation be used by the Lord.

Something I still struggle with is grasping that there are situations that we will never understand. It will never make sense to our human hearts. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Philippians 4:6. When I was reading it the other day, I read a little further into verse 7.

⁶Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. ⁷ Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

We aren't meant to understand everything, but when we don't understand, and when we are asking why, we can pray for a peace that passes all understanding. A peace that can only come from the Lord. That is where I will focus my prayer now when I am asking why, and not receiving an answer (or the kind of answer that I want). That is my challenge to you as well. While asking for understanding be ready to accept a peace that passes all understanding.

All of My Trust

For some time how the Lord has been nudging me to get back to writing my testimony. I've been ignoring that and telling myself that no one needs to hear about my little testimonies. I was reminded why I began this blog. It wasn't to preach, it wasn't to build myself up, it was to share what real life is like as a believer. It's messy and confusing and it's not always happy. As Christians we often believe that when we go through times of sorrow, we are not trusting the Lord enough. I mean, they say our joy has to come from the Lord, so how come I couldn't find that joy. That's how the enemy takes hold of us. Through lies like that. Over the past year, I have fallen into that thought process. I felt that I couldn't share my testimony because here I was, not being joyful. 

 

The Lord has been tugging on my heart, sometimes more clearly than other times. I'm going to share with you one thing that hit me pretty hard and has weighed heavy on me while trying to process what the Lord wants me to do with this information.

I attended a conference the other day, and the speaker began to talk about the eleven disciples heading to the mountain in Galilee . They were to wait there for Jesus. This is the place where He would give the Great Commission. Matthew 28:16-17 reads:

 

"Then the eleven disciples left for Galilee, going to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. When they saw Him, they worshiped Him, but some of them doubted". 

 

I was baffled by the last part of verse 17. They had been with Him for three years at that point. They had seen Him walk on water, heal the sick, feed the 5,000 and so many more miraculous things. To me I scoffed at the disciples. How dense can you be to see all of that and still not believe? I mean come on. I will be the first one to admit that I completely judged them for their doubt. I sat there feeling very self righteous, thinking to myself, that I would never have doubted Him if I were them.

 

Then it hit me. Conviction washed over me. I am one of them. I am a follower of Christ. For about two years now I've been actively writing down answered prayers. Recently I pulled out 12 pages of answered prayers. He has answered more than 400 prayers (of the ones I've written down) in two years. How blessed am I to have a God who listens to my pleas and answers. I will tell you that there are answers on those pages that I didn't like. However, I asked Him to answer. His will was done. How many times has God shown me His grace and His power.

With all of those answers, and all of the promises in His word, one would think that I would never doubt God. Yet weekly, I find myself asking Him to prove to me that He's going to do what He promised. I'm so thankful for a God who forgives. I'm also thankful for a God who loves me and puts up with my doubt. That is where unconditional love comes in. He has done nothing to lose my trust in Him. Just like the disciples that I so quickly judged and laughed at, I have been hesitant and doubtful. A change needs to occur in my heart. I have proof of His trustworthiness and it's time that I put ALL of my trust in Him. If you want proof that He fulfills His promises, get on your knees and pray. Then watch what He does because I can tell you that seeing Him work is the most incredible part of this life that we've been given.

You Are Enough

Lately, well I guess for a long time now, I've noticed a common statement that a lot of people make. Its the statement that they never feel like they are enough, whether that be, good enough, worth enough, special enough, noticed enough, loved enough etc. Its a peculiar thing, because being "enough" isn't really a by the book emotion, yet I myself feel that same feeling. I was wondering where it came from. At what age does a person begin to feel like they aren't enough? At what age did I begin to feel that I wasn't enough? I've watched and talked with some kids who in elementary school already feel like they are not enough. I've spoken to adults who feel the same way. There doesn't seem to be a particular age minimum or maximum for this feeling.

I grew up in a family where our parents tried their best to make sure that we were loved and cared for and wanted. Somewhere along the way though, that feeling began. It started small, and as time went on the feeling grew and it became a part of life. I began to feel like I would never be enough for anyone. Which is a dangerous, slippery slope. It's a struggle that I've tried so hard to get rid of but I just can't seem to shake it.

Maybe as you are reading this, you know exactly the feeling that I'm talking about. As I am writing this, so many things are going through my head. I'm already wondering if this post will be enough. If I will get my point across, or just end up sounding like a crazy person with an ability to type. I believe that its partly fear. I am so scared that I won't be enough for anyone, that I don't let anyone in. That way, they won't have the chance to make me feel like I'm not enough for them.

For a few weeks I have really waned to post something. I've had four different topic ideas, and as I began to write them, that fear crept in and took over. So they are all sitting in a draft folder waiting to be finished. As I was getting ready for bed, I was overthinking the week that passed and sat here wondering if I was ever enough for anyone this week. I worried that maybe I was too much of a burden, or that I required too much attention. Then it all washed over me. I was reminded that I am not alone in this battle. That I am not the only one that feels this way sometimes.

All of that sounds pretty depressing and grim, however there's more. There is one person who will never think that I am not enough. One person that I can be completely sure of. That person is the Lord. He accepts and loves us when we are at our best, and when we are at our worst. Even when I want to hide, I cannot hide from Him. He genuinely wants all of us. He gave me amazing parents who love me, but I know some of you don't have that, but you have a heavenly Father who wants you.

Satan loves to use the pain of this world to his advantage. Our sinful nature causes us to fall short, and falling short causes us to feel that we aren't enough. I am here to tell you that you are enough. We cannot fully understand what it means to be enough in this world. We cannot please everyone, and we cannot force others to constantly remind us that we are enough for them. However, God will always remind us that we are enough.

He loves us so much, right from the start. "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." -Psalm 139: 13-14. He hand crafted us long ago. When we hurt, He hurts with us, and when we are joyful, He celebrates with us. Things of this Earth will one day go away. These feelings that we get will be gone once and for all. So hang in there. His promises will be fulfilled. In the mean time know that you are always enough for God and remember that He is more than enough for you and me.

The most comforting thought for me, is that God knows when I am feeling like I am not enough. He is already there with me, finding ways to remind me of who He is and what He can do. He reminds me that I am enough for Him, and that if I hang on long enough, healing will come and the feeling will go away. Find your joy in the Lord and rest on His saving grace.

Thy Will Be Done

About 15 months ago I wrote a post about God will. Specifically His will in the lives of my two baby sisters. I told you all that my will was getting me no where and that I had to let His will be done (His will was going to be done no matter what but He was very patient with me as I tried to be in control). It has been an incredibly long road. I have tried to put into words, what this past year has been like emotionally and spiritually. I've worked so hard at continuing to build my relationship with God, but its time that I am honest about this aspect of my life. The best way to describe the journey so far is through the lyrics of a song by an artist named Hillary Scott.

"I'm so confused, I know I heard You loud and clear. So I followed through, somehow I ended up here. I don't want to think, I may never understand, that my broken heart is a part of your plan. When I try to pray, all I got is hurt and these four words, Thy Will Be Done ".

Since that day (and even before that day) I prayed for His will. I have had to learn that peace wont come through MY will being done, but rather through His will being done. Of course no one said that His will would be easy. He is the only one who can see the whole picture. Still, I prayed every single night since the day that I watched the car pull away with my sisters in it, that I would get to hug them even just one more time. Its been a confusing time, and one that I never wanted to experience. One that brought me to my knees and reminded me that I cannot do this on my own.

I never knew how to explain how I truly felt when everyone would ask how I was doing. Honestly I gave the same recorded answer. My favorite response has always been that I am fine, sometimes that's true and other times its not true at all. I would tell them that I know this is all in God's plan and that His will would be done. I heard a song on the radio recently that perfectly described what these past 15 months have been for myself and my family. We had to completely trust in the fact that God's will was being done.

Some asked me, how I know that I can trust God's will. Hillary Scott helped answer that question better than I could answer it. My answer was usually, just because He is so much greater than me and that His will has never failed me before.

"I know You're good, but this don't feel good right now. I know You think, things I could never think about. Its hard to count it all joy, distracted by the noise. Just trying to make sense, of all Your promises. Sometimes I gotta stop, remember that You're God and I am not so, Thy Will Be Done."

I trust in His will, not because I am already joyful, or at peace, but because He is the maker of peace. He is the deliverer and the almighty. While I have sat in sorrow, I kept going because my God has a plan for me. One of my favorite lines in the song is when she sings about remember that God is God and that we are not. So often I got stuck in the idea that they were mine and that surely God was just testing us. I prayed that He would reveal His will to me. Even a sliver of it.

Slowly as the months went on, I saw little sneak peaks of His will already being done. Then we finally got the call. After 15 months we were going to get to see the kids. This wasn't just a visit. This was their adoption. It occurred in the same courthouse, with the same judge as their siblings. The same place where they asked us when it would be their turn. At that point I had this picture in my mind that the next time we were at that courthouse, we would be legally binding ourselves to these children.

However, today we watched a different story unfold. Our sweet girls were finally adopted, but no by us. They were adopted by another family, but what we couldn't see at first was how God's will would lead us. God placed them with another family of believers. A family who will nurture and grow our girls into God fearing and God loving young women. They are so loved by so many people. As hard as it was to let them God, God's will proved to be so much better than what would have happened if my will was done.

For some of you, it may be hard to believe that God's will could include us getting our hearts broken. Shouldn't He be mending our hearts, not breaking them? The truth is, that our God is good and if you are in pain now, there is something much greater in store but it takes patients and it takes us grasping the idea that there are times we may never understand God's will in certain situations.

If God is tugging at you right now, telling you to let His will be done, then just give in. We are not God and we cannot see the big picture. Understand this, He loves each of us and His will is good and pure and trustworthy. Today, after 15 months of prayer I held my sweet sisters in my arms, once again proving that prayer works and that God sees all. He knew from the moment that I said goodbye to them the first time, that on this day, I would hold them again. So for now I will continue to trust His will and I pray that you too can find comfort in His will. Rest easy, and be thankful for the little ones in your life because life is so precious.

"Pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" - 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18

Distracted By Life

Before I begin, let me first say that I'm behind on a lot of things right now. Blogging being one of them, but more importantly I'm behind on my Bible reading. This year as a family my sister, my mom and I took on the challenge of reading the Bible in a year. Prior to the start of this journey, I was on my journey of prayer, which I am still on. For months I had this lazar like focus. I knew that distractions would come but I had made up my mind. Nothing would distract me. I kept up with my reading all the way through the month of May.

I am type A, if you haven't noticed, so I was reading on track, every day, and if I fell behind I would stay up late until I finished reading (honestly it was mostly the Old testament because it was so much to get through). Not one month went by when I didn't complete the reading for that specific month. So here I am, at the end of June panicking because for the first time, I didn't get my reading done. In the back of my mind, I guess I knew  I wasn't doing my daily reading.

So finally today, I sat down to read, in my favorite spot by the big window. I was in the middle of reading Philippians when this fly showed up. He was bouncing off the window, buzzing around my head, flying all over and landing on my stuff. I put the Bible down and tried to chase that little thing all around, and then it hit me. How many "flies" have interrupted my time with God this month. How many times did I just get up to deal with something else instead of reading my Bible.

I really got to thinking about it. I have used every excuse I could this month. First it was that my Grandpa was sick, and I couldn't leave his side. Then He passed away and I needed some time to grieve. Then I got really sick, and lost my voice. I was so angry with God for letting me get sick (which was totally not His fault, I worked in a school). Then I had friends, and social media, and then I was too tired to read. Just how many times this month, did that fly buzz around my head and distract me from this journey that I was on.

I tell you all of that, not to get pity, but rather to show you that even when you don't expect it, distractions are everywhere. Whether its an actual fly, or whether its running your kids all over to all of their activities. Whether its work, or making dinner, or just simply being to tired. We all have those little flies that buzz around our heads. Satan loves it, he relishes in those little distractions.

I think that its time that I stop chasing the flies, and sit down and just be with God. Being with God in prayer and in the Word is how we grow. I've noticed that this month I have felt a little further away from God. I miss the closeness that I had when I was in prayer and in the Word every day. It is that desire that will motivate me to move forward and ignore the things around me. Its not going to be easy.

When we become followers of Christ we are given new life. Colossians 2: 6-7 says, "And now, just as you have accepted Christ Jesus and your Lord, you must continue to follow Him. Let your roots grow down into Him, and let your lives be built on Him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness". We are made new and we want the roots to grow in Him. I hope you have that same desire to know Him and love Him.

As I sit here typing this, I realize this is a distraction as well, but one that I felt led to chase. The fly is still buzzing around me, but for now, I have to learn to overcome the distraction and myself be filled with Christ. The world is going to throw a lot at us, but through Christ we will overcome this world and one day join Him in paradise where there will be no more distractions.

We Are God Made & Jesus Saved

I seem to have this reoccurring theme here, where I take a few months away from blogging and sharing my testimony. Each time there's always something different that keeps me away. As I stated in my last post, I have spent a lot more time in prayer, and learning about prayer. Things were going great for a while. I was happy and finding my joy in the Lord. Though I had not found permanent employment or found a direction for my life, I trusted that the Lord knew where I was going so I would just follow Him. In the back of my mind, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was waiting to see how Satan would attack me. I was certain that I could withstand anything.

Slowly but surely I began to lose my job. Bad things happened, new wounds were created, but I did my best to pretend that everything was alright. Often, when someone asked me how I was, I would say that I was fine, or that I would be fine. I figured that at some point I would be fine again. I just had to keep everyone out, or that's what I told myself anyway. I did a pretty good job for a while. But in the most recent months I began to pull away from my family, and my friends. It was easier that way. I could just be with God and everything would be okay. I myself have said that God answers prayer and that I believe in miracles.

I opened up to a friend recently and they could see me pulling away. It then took a family member asking me why I was dethatched, to get me to admit to something I had been fighting and trying to hide. The truth is, that although my relationship with Christ has gotten stronger, I am depressed. There is no sugar coating it anymore. I never wanted to admit to it, because it meant that I was weak. I felt, and had been told before that depression means that you aren't trusting God enough, or finding your joy in Him.

Soon after I admitted how I felt, I came across and article talking about what it means for a Christian to have mental health issues. In the article the author wrote that having a mental health issue, like depression has nothing to do with whether I believe in Jesus. I am here to tell you that I believe in Jesus Christ. He is my Lord and savior, but that doesn't change the fact that I a broken inside. It doesn't change the fact that I need help. He uses every situation in our lives. I cannot see what that is now, but there are so many other examples in my life where He has used tough situations to help me grow and assist others.

I have felt so alone. I thought that's what I wanted. I thought that if someone really wanted to love on me, they wouldn't accept my "I'm fine" response. Until recently everyone accepted my statement. Why wouldn't they? Satan has come in and tried to hurt me and pull me away, but I am telling you now that if you put your trust in the Lord, Satan is no match. He will try to hang onto you as long as he can. Let's face it, there are many of us who are battling Satan and its tiring to do by ourselves. I tried to hide my sin from God, but God knows.

There are some recent times in which I was faced with temptation and I went for it. I told myself that it didn't matter what I did, since obviously I am not a "good" Christian. I found love and friendship, but it wasn't what God wanted for me. Yet still, God kept on reaching down to take my hand. He put the right people in my life at this time. I hope that you will let Him do the same for you. This road that I am on is not even close to over. This is just the beginning, but I am tired of being shamed into putting on this fake front.

This path is scary and lonely, but it doesn't have to be. In "Living the Battle Plan", the author wrote, "Sometimes the most difficult, painful, fearful, or illogical path is the one that ends up being the open door, the one bearing God's fingerprints". We have walk the path that we have chosen, but we do not have to do it alone. God created us. We are God made, and Jesus saved.

If you get anything out of this, its for you to remember that we are prayerful people, but mental illness is a real thing. God created us and He created doctors and treatments. Never be afraid not to seek help based on the judgment of others. Above all else, thank Him even in the midst of a trial because He has never left you, and He has never left me.