All This Time

This week has been like a week leading up to someone's death. Though the kids are not dying, we are losing them, and we won't see them for a while (if ever, hopefully someday). I have really struggled to remember that God is in control. I know in my heart that He is but there are days when I want to find someone to blame. Whether that be the state department, those in authority positions with agendas that damage families and a whole list of others that have been involved in this mess. However, even blaming someone I get no satisfaction, I get no closure and I feel more and more alone, lost and isolated.

Sometimes I get so caught up in my pain and the pain of the beautiful little girls, that I cry out and wonder where God is in all of this. I can preach that He is always with us, but in the thick of things sometimes I lose sight of where He is. Once I think I can't find Him or that I've turned from Him, I begin to panic. I know that  I will NEVER be able to make it through this loss without Him and His guidance and unconditional love.

I will be the first to admit that when I am going through a tragedy I push everyone away, whether that be making them upset with me because I'm snappy, or whether that's me just ignoring them until they leave me alone. One of my fears in life is losing everyone that I love. That fear is ever real to me each time that we lose children that I thought would be ours forever. On a side note I get that foster care is temporary but once you love the child and have had them for longer than a year (in the twins case four years) there is this feeling that they will never leave.

I push people away because then I don't have to worry about losing them because I've done it myself. That plan fails every time because we aren't meant to make it through this life alone. I isolate myself and find myself backed into a corner scared and alone. In the process of pushing everyone away sometimes I push God away, not by ignoring Him, but by putting my pain ahead of His plans for my life. When I am laying in the snow outside I am filled with joy and I feel the presence of God through His beautiful creation that joy is when I connect with Him but when I'm in the midst of pain I seem to forget that joy and wonder where He is now.

As I have said in the past I worship through song, and there are a lot of songs that I come across that may have been out for years but at that moment they fit my life. The newest one is called "All This Time" by Britt Nicole and her lyrics touch my heart in such a way that it changes the way that I am thinking about things. The chorus is as follows:
All this time from the first tear cried, to today's sunrise and every single moment between, You were there, You were always there, it was You and I, You've been walking with me all this time.

This song literally had me in tears because it was my conviction for asking where God was when I knew where He was, and it was a blanket of comfort because God holds every single tear that I have cried, and when I can't hold myself up any longer, when I have no where to turn because I pushed everyone away, His arms have been open. When I'm so weak that I isolate myself so that no one has to see my pain, He is there and He can see the pain. He is with me ALL the time, whether I ask Him to be or not.

If I can share nothing more today than this, its that you are NEVER alone. You can push everyone away but the love of Jesus Christ will just keep on coming. No matter what you have done in the past, no matter what pain you are in He is the healer and He will take care of you. It reminds me of the Footprints in the Sand poem. The man who is walking on the beach says that when his life was rough there were only one set of feet and God told him that it was then, that He carried him. When you feel out of control and like your life is a mess, He is the God who truly sees and He knows your pain because He's been here all this time.

This coming weekend will be horrible, but God will be there with me all the time. I have a God who loves me so much that He is willing to carry me when I am broken and weak, and when I have pushed people away, and when I have not made Him a priority, we are still His priority. The love of Christ will bring my family through this just as He can bring you through your situation as well. He is here all the time and He has never left, not even for a minute.

God's Will and Not My Own

Four years ago today I had my life planned out. I knew which college I wanted to get into, I was Editor-in-chief of my high school yearbook, I had great grades and I knew that I was going to be an investigative journalist, uncovering the truth. Yeah I had arthritis, but for the first time in my life I got to forget about it because I was going somewhere with my life. My plan was great. I had a small problem with my knee dislocating and decided to have a “simple” surgery to fix it. I cleared two weeks of work and once those two weeks were up I was going back to school and back to my routine. Yes I was praying, but not for God’s will because I had my own will right then.

Needless to say, four years ago, my life was turned upside down. I have told this story in the past so I will give you the short version. I never recovered from that surgery. I never went back to high school, I couldn’t walk for sixth months and I became very depressed. My life plan was thrown out the window. What I couldn’t see then, was that this surgery was God’s way of reminding me that He is in control. I didn’t understand why I had to go through so much pain, but 3 ½ years after the surgery a doctor finally told me what was really wrong with my knee.

The surgery irritated the early stages of Osteoarthritis in my knee. That surgery was a gift to me because rather than finding out one day that my knee degenerated, we know ahead of time and we can take the proper action.

Four years ago something else in my life changed. We were placed with a set of three year old girl twins. They were the most beautiful three year olds in the world (I’m a tad biased). They could barely talk, and had no concept of love. They didn’t know how to play, or laugh. They knew pain but I knew beauty. It took about five minutes for my family to fall in love with them and from that moment on they were ours.

After my surgery I was bed ridden for a while in our living room. One of the twins (Twin A)  was at a special school and the other twin (Twin O) was home with my mom and I. Twin O would climb up into my bed with me and just lay there for hours at a time. She wouldn’t move, she just snuggled and we learned how to love each other at a whole new level. She and I had a bond from the start.

I watched them learn how to use words, and they watched me learn to walk again. I will never forget the day that I took my first steps without my crutches. They saw me and ran to the crutches, each grabbed one and chased me across the room with them because they were scared that I would fall.

I cannot believe that they are seven years old. They went from being toddlers to being sweet little girls. They have their challenges but they have taught me how to love in a totally new way. They came to my rescue when I wanted to give up. They gave me a reason to push forward because they needed me as much as I needed them. Sure we fight like sisters sometimes, but that’s what we are. My whole future was changed. I had the twin sisters that I had always dreamed of.

When it was time to talk about adoption I was ready to make this happen. We had complications but they were our family and we tried so hard to keep it that way. We would pray to God for an answer (I prayed to keep them because my life plan included them living with us) and doors would slam in our faces. Yet, I kept on going because I liked my plan better than I liked Gods. I fought so hard to pray for MY will to be done.

As many of you know, a week from Sunday we will be saying goodbye to my beautiful little sisters. We do not understand why this is happening and neither do they. They cry every single day asking why. The sad part is that we ask why too. The truth is I know why ultimately. Why? Because God’s will was different then my own. No matter how much we fight, or how hard we try God’s will is what will happen in our lives. Someday I hope they understand that and that they know they will always be my baby sisters.

So four years after God showed me His will and took control again, I am back in the same place. You would think that I would have learned my lesson but life is messy and I am messy. The good thing is that God loves me and my mess. Four years ago I was so alone, I had my family but friends? Not so much. This time around, as my heart is breaking into little pieces I have a church family, who are more than just a church family, they are my family. They are here to pick up the pieces because God put them here to come around us.

I know that though I fight back tears thinking about this horrible goodbye (horrible because the kids beg and plead to stay with us and for me to be home with them every minute of every single day even though I have school), God has a plan for my life, the life of my family, the life of those around us and the life of my precious and beautiful sisters.

So here it is my confession. I have tried to make it my will and I have failed miserably. Its time that I let God take control and see what His plans are for my life because I can guarantee that they are better than the plans I have made. So if I’ve learned nothing else these past four years I can remember this, God’s plan is the only plan for my life and it’s time for me to listen.