In the busyness of everything we have to do it's really easy to throw yourself a pity party. Things haven't really been going that well for me lately and I have been stuck in this rut of jealousy. Everyone else seems to have it all together when I can't even begin to get my life organized. I have all of these thoughts and things that I want to say and things that I want to do but nothing ever gets done. I always upset someone or someone upsets me. This week I have really been ignoring everyone else because I just didn't want to care anymore about everyone else's perfect little lives. I also didn't want to care about the people that think that they should give me advice where it's not needed or non of their business. I just wanted a break and time for myself (which of course never happened).
Today for the first time in a while I have been very humbled. Something someone said in one of my classes made me realize that there are other people that just put on a brave face and go through the day leaving the rest of us to think that they are fine. It was the first time I stopped thinking about how terrible my life is and started thinking about someone else. All of this came about from a silly poem that we read in poetry class. Toward the end of class the professor asked us all a question about war and how it impacts us all differently depending on whether or not we had someone in the war.
I sat back waiting for the usual show of hands of the people who had relatives in the war. Then there was this one boy who didn't have a relative in the war but he had a tie to it. This boy, who is probably only a year or two older than me was stationed in Hawaii (changed state for confidential reasons). He was in a unit, he didn't say what type of unit but he told us how fast peoples lives can change. While he was serving, half of their unit of men got deployed. He told us that the families were hopeful and positive about everything at that time. Then about two months later they got a call telling them that the entire unit was blown up and all of the men died.
It was my classmates job to go and tell the families. He said it was like watching them die in front of him. Not once did he show any pity toward himself only sympathy for the families. He continued to tell us that he folded and presented flags to 250 families of dead soldiers. The pain in his eyes was almost too much to bear but at the same time I looked back at all of the silly things that I have let cloud my life and make me bitter, were nothing compared to what that boy went through and what all of those families went through. I know that so many people are serving and that most of you probably know someone who was killed in the war but I have never heard a story that had that much of an impact on me like my classmates.
I sat in a classroom for an hour and fifteen minutes with a man, who by the grace of God did not get deployed with his unit but rather stayed and completed a job that many of us could never imagine. God humbled me today. He humbled me through an unspoken hero.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
Safety In Christ
We all have some sense of security when it comes to our daily safety. The first time that we walk down a staircase after we have fallen down the stairs at some other time, we are cautious. We know what can happen because it has happened before. After a few times up and down the stairs we kind of brush it out of our minds and move on with our lives. Growing up we are taught how to not be afraid of everything dangerous but rather to use caution. This has worked for so many things and it is something we are trained to do as kids. However, what happens when we are facing danger and we have no way out of it and no way around it?
Today I had to drive my self back to school. It's nothing new, I have been doing it for a long time. I always have some fear on the road because people are wild and there is always a chance for an accident. Today was a little different because it was snowing. I have also driven in snow on my way to school before and I made it here just fine. However, everyone was making such a big deal about this snow because it was coming with ice. As each of the schools in my area at home cancelled I continued to grow nervous. Before I could even pull out of the driveway I sat for a few minutes watching the snow fall and playing out the different scenario's in my head of what could happen while I drive.
Once I was out on the road my fear did not go away. I kept talking to the car like I was crazy because my car is not that great for any sort of bad weather. Talking to the car did not make anything happened but I can guarantee that I am not the only one who talks to/ at their car every once in a while. As the roads got worse all I kept seeing in my mind was how I could crash in certain areas if there was ice. I knew that I needed to calm down but I wasn't sure how at first. Then it hit me how silly I was for nothing thinking of the best thing to do when I feel so unsafe. I just needed to pray so I did.
This is what God has to say about my fear and the danger that I was facing.
"For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.”Isaiah 41:13
I made it to school without sliding on a patch of ice or getting into an accident. I honestly believe that it was God. He gave me the strength to quit being so afraid of the road and the snowy ice and reach my destination. I cannot say that my fears were totally shattered but I was able to calm down and keep on going. God has made a promise to us again and again.
No matter how small the fear or how dangerous the situation is, don't forget to call on our protector. I have said it over and over again that God is with us always. Even when we forget to call on Him, He is looking over us. Things are bound to happen because we live on this sinful earth, but we can face it all as long as we have Christ.
Today I had to drive my self back to school. It's nothing new, I have been doing it for a long time. I always have some fear on the road because people are wild and there is always a chance for an accident. Today was a little different because it was snowing. I have also driven in snow on my way to school before and I made it here just fine. However, everyone was making such a big deal about this snow because it was coming with ice. As each of the schools in my area at home cancelled I continued to grow nervous. Before I could even pull out of the driveway I sat for a few minutes watching the snow fall and playing out the different scenario's in my head of what could happen while I drive.
Once I was out on the road my fear did not go away. I kept talking to the car like I was crazy because my car is not that great for any sort of bad weather. Talking to the car did not make anything happened but I can guarantee that I am not the only one who talks to/ at their car every once in a while. As the roads got worse all I kept seeing in my mind was how I could crash in certain areas if there was ice. I knew that I needed to calm down but I wasn't sure how at first. Then it hit me how silly I was for nothing thinking of the best thing to do when I feel so unsafe. I just needed to pray so I did.
This is what God has to say about my fear and the danger that I was facing.
"For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.”Isaiah 41:13
I made it to school without sliding on a patch of ice or getting into an accident. I honestly believe that it was God. He gave me the strength to quit being so afraid of the road and the snowy ice and reach my destination. I cannot say that my fears were totally shattered but I was able to calm down and keep on going. God has made a promise to us again and again.
No matter how small the fear or how dangerous the situation is, don't forget to call on our protector. I have said it over and over again that God is with us always. Even when we forget to call on Him, He is looking over us. Things are bound to happen because we live on this sinful earth, but we can face it all as long as we have Christ.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
God of This Earth
This semester I am taking a course called comparative politics. I was not sure what the class would entail I just knew that I had to take it because it is part of my minor. Come to find out that the content of the class can be outlined by the title of the class. We compare the politics of all of the countries around the world. We are looking to see what countries have similar politics and what other countries could do differently. We have to stay up on current events but for me, I barely watch TV so I am lucky if I know who is even in the news at all right now.In the class today we were discussing the different power struggles that are happening all over the world. We compared the terrible lives that the people living in those countries have to live every day. The death tolls are reaching ridiculous levels and violence is how kids are brought up.
I am short for time today but I just wanted to get my thoughts out there and see what you think. While we talked about everything that is wrong in all of those countries I kept trying to figure out a solution. However, before we can even start looking for a solution we have to find the root of the problem. A lot of students blamed the issues on corruption of governments all of the world. The problem that I see in all of those countries and even our own is that God is not there. We have lost the most important foundation of this world. In all of this chaos and terror everyone has seemed to forget who created all of this for us. We are here on this earth because of our Lord and savior yet no one will turn to Him when they need Him most.
While I spend the rest of the day is class, think about that for a while. Think about all of the stories that you see on the news and then think about what could happen if those countries let in God.
I am short for time today but I just wanted to get my thoughts out there and see what you think. While we talked about everything that is wrong in all of those countries I kept trying to figure out a solution. However, before we can even start looking for a solution we have to find the root of the problem. A lot of students blamed the issues on corruption of governments all of the world. The problem that I see in all of those countries and even our own is that God is not there. We have lost the most important foundation of this world. In all of this chaos and terror everyone has seemed to forget who created all of this for us. We are here on this earth because of our Lord and savior yet no one will turn to Him when they need Him most.
While I spend the rest of the day is class, think about that for a while. Think about all of the stories that you see on the news and then think about what could happen if those countries let in God.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Gotta Have Faith
There are so many things in this world that bring me down and that bring others down. It is a part of our everyday life but that doesn't make it any better. We are human, we fight, we cry, we lose, we cling to things, we don't trust each other, and the list goes on. There are so many things that seem so unfair. Sometimes I sit here and feel like I am watching so many great memories in my life slip away like they meant nothing. I try to think positively but Satan is always there and ready to trip me up. I wish that I could tell you that he doesn't trip me up sometimes but that would be a lie.
I have to face a lot and I have faced a lot in my lifetime. I have shared many of those struggles with you on here and some I have shared with in person. Lately I have been in one of those moods where I don't want to talk to anyone because everyone else seems to have the perfect life compared to me right now. I look at everyone else and see how many people are getting married and starting a family. I look at everyone else and see how easy school is for them. I look at everyone else and wonder what it is like to not be in pain all of the time. I look at everyone and try to understand how everything can just be falling into place for them while in my life things seem to be falling apart.
I forget that I am not in control of my life and that as long as I long to be someone else or long to have my dream life, I am missing out on what God has planned for me. I have been very unhappy and have begun to push people away because every time someone talks to me I get more and more disappointed with the way that my life is going. I get so tired of being alone, I get so tired of being hurt, and I get so tired of everyone expecting me to be someone that I am not or condemning me for having opinions. It is like I am stuck in a rut and everyone is making sure that I stay there right now. Sure, on the surface people ask how I am doing or what is going on in my life but they're too busy to hear me when I cry out for help.
The reason that I am having these issues arise again is because I am not turning to God for help. I have faith that God will work in my life the way that He plans to, but being faithful and being happy are hard to do for me. I want to be happy again and I know that God can do that if I let Him. The funny thing is that when I was shopping earlier today I found a silly little picture frame that had such a powerful quote on it. I am going to leave you to think about this quote and maybe see how it applies to you in your life and in your walk with God.
It says, "Faith is not believing that God can, it's knowing that He will"
I have to face a lot and I have faced a lot in my lifetime. I have shared many of those struggles with you on here and some I have shared with in person. Lately I have been in one of those moods where I don't want to talk to anyone because everyone else seems to have the perfect life compared to me right now. I look at everyone else and see how many people are getting married and starting a family. I look at everyone else and see how easy school is for them. I look at everyone else and wonder what it is like to not be in pain all of the time. I look at everyone and try to understand how everything can just be falling into place for them while in my life things seem to be falling apart.
I forget that I am not in control of my life and that as long as I long to be someone else or long to have my dream life, I am missing out on what God has planned for me. I have been very unhappy and have begun to push people away because every time someone talks to me I get more and more disappointed with the way that my life is going. I get so tired of being alone, I get so tired of being hurt, and I get so tired of everyone expecting me to be someone that I am not or condemning me for having opinions. It is like I am stuck in a rut and everyone is making sure that I stay there right now. Sure, on the surface people ask how I am doing or what is going on in my life but they're too busy to hear me when I cry out for help.
The reason that I am having these issues arise again is because I am not turning to God for help. I have faith that God will work in my life the way that He plans to, but being faithful and being happy are hard to do for me. I want to be happy again and I know that God can do that if I let Him. The funny thing is that when I was shopping earlier today I found a silly little picture frame that had such a powerful quote on it. I am going to leave you to think about this quote and maybe see how it applies to you in your life and in your walk with God.
It says, "Faith is not believing that God can, it's knowing that He will"
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
In the End
While reading one of my books for a class the author of the textbook said that understanding comparative politics and teaching it will help make each of us better citizens and a better country as a whole. I am not sure whether or not the author was kidding because I wasn't really paying attention to the style that he was writing in, but that one sentence really struck me as interesting. The author was trying to explain that by having more knowledge about how all of the different countries are run, we may be able to predict wars and stop them in a more humane way. The author is not claiming that what he is saying is factual, but it is still an interesting opinion and idea. His claim is that knowledge will help make us better citizens and better people. However, there is really only one things that we can rely on through all of this and that is faith.
Every single day we can turn on the news and see a story about some horror that is going on in other countries and even on our own soil. We have all read about the wars and how long the battles were, but no where did I see the mention of God's name, or a place where someone called upon the Lord for help. If we want to know something about another country or if we are in fear that they are going to clash with us, wouldn't you think to pray about it? Not praying is like going into war without a weapon.
Nothing in this world is going to get any better, and lives are not going to be changed as long as the people in this country continue to push God out. The places that God is not welcome have seen so much devastation. Even in my life, the times where I push God away because I blame Him for all that has gone wrong and is going wrong, but then I notice that at the points where I feel so lost He always takes me back when I need Him most.
We have the gift of freedom in this country and in our lives but there is a price to pay for that freedom. We fight so hard to be good people and to retain our freedom but at what cost? Just being a good person and embracing freedom is not going to get us to heaven. Sure, we can give people the tools to be better people and to better understand those from other nations but again where is that going to get us in the end?
I am going to leave you with this passage from scripture to dwell on and take into consideration over becoming a "better citizen" and a "better person".
"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8
Every single day we can turn on the news and see a story about some horror that is going on in other countries and even on our own soil. We have all read about the wars and how long the battles were, but no where did I see the mention of God's name, or a place where someone called upon the Lord for help. If we want to know something about another country or if we are in fear that they are going to clash with us, wouldn't you think to pray about it? Not praying is like going into war without a weapon.
Nothing in this world is going to get any better, and lives are not going to be changed as long as the people in this country continue to push God out. The places that God is not welcome have seen so much devastation. Even in my life, the times where I push God away because I blame Him for all that has gone wrong and is going wrong, but then I notice that at the points where I feel so lost He always takes me back when I need Him most.
We have the gift of freedom in this country and in our lives but there is a price to pay for that freedom. We fight so hard to be good people and to retain our freedom but at what cost? Just being a good person and embracing freedom is not going to get us to heaven. Sure, we can give people the tools to be better people and to better understand those from other nations but again where is that going to get us in the end?
I am going to leave you with this passage from scripture to dwell on and take into consideration over becoming a "better citizen" and a "better person".
"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
The Rumor Mill Spins
I have had no time to process anything that I have heard in all of my classes today. I was the smart person who decided to take all of my classes on Tuesday's and Thursdays. There were points where I was so numb and couldn't breathe at all walking to and from class. I was so frustrated with myself because I couldn't walk as fast as I wanted to. My knee has slowed me down and I still have to get used to doing everything at a slower pace than I really want to do it at. It just adds to my feelings of being different than everyone else. Today I heard kids talking about another kids who had surgery four weeks ago and still hasn't recovered. They were saying that he must be faking and that he needed to stop using his crutches. It made me feel so close to that kid who they were talking about. I don't even know who he is, but I don't have to because just a year ago I was him. I was the kid that everyone talked about.
Do you know what it feels like to have to pretend like you are not in pain just so that no one will judge you? Most of you don't, some of you have even been the one criticizing how long another person has been down after having even a small surgery. Growing up in pain has taught me not to judge the recovery of another person but until last year I was never quite under the same angry rumor mill. Sometimes what hurts worse than the pain is knowing that no one supports you and that no one believes that your pain is real. People with fibromyalgia know this better than most. Even doctors have criticized the amount of pain that we are in every day. No one stops to ask me why I am legally handicapped they just scoff at me when I park in a handicapped spot.
When I was at my lowest point, and when I needed help the most I was let down over and over by those who were in my life. I truly learned who cared and who didn't. Without knowing what is coming toward him, there is a student on this campus who is about to feel like he is all alone. People may think that they are talking behind his back and that he won't find out that it was his friends calling him a fake, but he will find out. I wish that I knew who he was and I wish that I could stop him from feeling this hurt that is coming but I can't. The only thing that I can do is pray for him. There are battles in this world that I cannot fight for everyone but I know the one who can fight this and who has overcome everything and that one is Jesus Christ.
Scripture says,
"“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
When your life gets turned upside down and when people lose faith in you one person can bring you peace. God will grant the hurting, peace. We have to remember that no matter what this world throws at us, whether it be pain, fake friends or doctors who won't believe your pain, God is there. He has already overcome the world and He is ready to help us do the same. All I can do is put my trust and faith in Him and hopefully learn something along the way.
Do you know what it feels like to have to pretend like you are not in pain just so that no one will judge you? Most of you don't, some of you have even been the one criticizing how long another person has been down after having even a small surgery. Growing up in pain has taught me not to judge the recovery of another person but until last year I was never quite under the same angry rumor mill. Sometimes what hurts worse than the pain is knowing that no one supports you and that no one believes that your pain is real. People with fibromyalgia know this better than most. Even doctors have criticized the amount of pain that we are in every day. No one stops to ask me why I am legally handicapped they just scoff at me when I park in a handicapped spot.
When I was at my lowest point, and when I needed help the most I was let down over and over by those who were in my life. I truly learned who cared and who didn't. Without knowing what is coming toward him, there is a student on this campus who is about to feel like he is all alone. People may think that they are talking behind his back and that he won't find out that it was his friends calling him a fake, but he will find out. I wish that I knew who he was and I wish that I could stop him from feeling this hurt that is coming but I can't. The only thing that I can do is pray for him. There are battles in this world that I cannot fight for everyone but I know the one who can fight this and who has overcome everything and that one is Jesus Christ.
Scripture says,
"“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
When your life gets turned upside down and when people lose faith in you one person can bring you peace. God will grant the hurting, peace. We have to remember that no matter what this world throws at us, whether it be pain, fake friends or doctors who won't believe your pain, God is there. He has already overcome the world and He is ready to help us do the same. All I can do is put my trust and faith in Him and hopefully learn something along the way.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Facing the Flood
The past week has not gone very well. The amount of pain that I have been in concerns both myself and my doctors. Pain is nothing new to me but for the first time I really didn't feel like fighting it anymore. I was ready to just give up and let it be. I have pretty much had that attitude since the loss of my baby sister but I am just now really admitting it. I had the dread of school starting and I could feel my stress level going up and up as move in day grew closer. Most people my age are having to go to the bank and take out loans to pay for school and books so I am not alone in the added stress of it all. Keeping everything bottled up inside has been driving me crazy and I was ready to explode.
By the grace of God we were able to see my sister yesterday. It was the first time in two months that I felt alive again. I felt actual joy running through me again. There was sorrow close behind it but for just a few hours I got to feel love again and I didn't have to feel empty. When it was time to say goodbye, my world seemed to grow colder but not as cold as it was before. Seeing her sparked my passion to fight for my life and against pain and doubt. It gave me this sort of hope that I was lacking. I packed my belongings and headed back to school. Once I was at school all of the things that had been going on before, re-surfaced. I became very overwhelmed and anxious.
At school we ended up having a major problem with our plumbing that lasted late into the night. I went to bed and left my suit-mate up to deal with the person trying to help us. I figured that when I woke up there were two things I could face, the first would be that nothing happened and I could finally get some rest; the second was that our room would be flooded with dirty water and overwhelm me even more. Sure enough this morning I was woken up early because the sink overflowed and water was everywhere. We had guys coming in to fix things all morning and I never really got to relax.
Scripture says this about suffering, which is what I have been dealing with for quite some time now.
"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4
For you this verse may not make sense but for me, where I am right now this is a verse that gives me hope. This verse tells me that even when I think I am going to overflow and make a mess, I won't as long as I keep fighting and following Christ. I am scared that I don't know what I am doing right now but God can show me the way and He can show you the way if you just let Him. Join this battle with me against all things that are not godly and against all things that try to bring us down on this Earth. Don't give up because I can't do this alone. Just remember that if you overflow with emotions in your life step back and look at the flood, then look at it again in God's eyes and ask Him to guide you through the clean up.
By the grace of God we were able to see my sister yesterday. It was the first time in two months that I felt alive again. I felt actual joy running through me again. There was sorrow close behind it but for just a few hours I got to feel love again and I didn't have to feel empty. When it was time to say goodbye, my world seemed to grow colder but not as cold as it was before. Seeing her sparked my passion to fight for my life and against pain and doubt. It gave me this sort of hope that I was lacking. I packed my belongings and headed back to school. Once I was at school all of the things that had been going on before, re-surfaced. I became very overwhelmed and anxious.
At school we ended up having a major problem with our plumbing that lasted late into the night. I went to bed and left my suit-mate up to deal with the person trying to help us. I figured that when I woke up there were two things I could face, the first would be that nothing happened and I could finally get some rest; the second was that our room would be flooded with dirty water and overwhelm me even more. Sure enough this morning I was woken up early because the sink overflowed and water was everywhere. We had guys coming in to fix things all morning and I never really got to relax.
Scripture says this about suffering, which is what I have been dealing with for quite some time now.
"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4
For you this verse may not make sense but for me, where I am right now this is a verse that gives me hope. This verse tells me that even when I think I am going to overflow and make a mess, I won't as long as I keep fighting and following Christ. I am scared that I don't know what I am doing right now but God can show me the way and He can show you the way if you just let Him. Join this battle with me against all things that are not godly and against all things that try to bring us down on this Earth. Don't give up because I can't do this alone. Just remember that if you overflow with emotions in your life step back and look at the flood, then look at it again in God's eyes and ask Him to guide you through the clean up.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Time to Follow God's Plan
I have been on break since December 18th, and for some reason everyone thinks that I should not be home right now, or they wonder why I am skipping school when I am out with my mom during the day. Following my explanation as to why I am not in school everyone asks me what I am going to school for. When I tell them what my degree is going to be, they ask me what I plan to do with that degree. I have a lot of options right now as to what I want my focus to be, but that doesn't seem to be enough for people. They want a reason for the focus that I am choosing. They want me to tell them exactly what I am going to be doing when I am done with school. I have a few answers, but really I honestly have no idea.
I have been stressing myself out trying to figure out what future I could have. I have been thinking of the perfect job that will fit what I want, and how I will go about looking for that job. I also weigh in the fact that I will have a bucket load of student loans. Once I am on that train of thought I also think about whether or not I will be married at that point, and how a husband would fit into all of that. It scares me to think that if I don't give them an answer it means that I have no focus. I have to have a goal for myself, but what if my goal is wrong and what if my goal is an impossible goal. I don't think that anyone realizes just how much thought goes on when they simply ask me what I plan to do with my degree.
The truth is that I really don't know what my future is going to bring, nor should I. Scripture says,
"
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:11-14
So the answer that I can give to anyone who asks me what I am going to do in my life is that I will be doing whatever God wills me to. I cannot sit here day after day stressing about what I am going to do in the future. I could worry about how I am going to find a job, or whether or not I will get married when I want to. I can stress about feeling like no one cares about me. I can stress about how I am going to pay my student loans back when I graduate. OR I could stop and I could trust God. I could trust that He has a plan for me and that if I follow Him He will show me that plan in time.
Ask me what my plans are for the future and this is what I will tell you: My plans for the future are to trust in God and trust that He has a plan for my life. I can spend time worrying or I can stay in prayer and continue my walk with God, working hard and appreciating the opportunities that God has given me!
I have been stressing myself out trying to figure out what future I could have. I have been thinking of the perfect job that will fit what I want, and how I will go about looking for that job. I also weigh in the fact that I will have a bucket load of student loans. Once I am on that train of thought I also think about whether or not I will be married at that point, and how a husband would fit into all of that. It scares me to think that if I don't give them an answer it means that I have no focus. I have to have a goal for myself, but what if my goal is wrong and what if my goal is an impossible goal. I don't think that anyone realizes just how much thought goes on when they simply ask me what I plan to do with my degree.
The truth is that I really don't know what my future is going to bring, nor should I. Scripture says,
"
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:11-14
So the answer that I can give to anyone who asks me what I am going to do in my life is that I will be doing whatever God wills me to. I cannot sit here day after day stressing about what I am going to do in the future. I could worry about how I am going to find a job, or whether or not I will get married when I want to. I can stress about feeling like no one cares about me. I can stress about how I am going to pay my student loans back when I graduate. OR I could stop and I could trust God. I could trust that He has a plan for me and that if I follow Him He will show me that plan in time.
Ask me what my plans are for the future and this is what I will tell you: My plans for the future are to trust in God and trust that He has a plan for my life. I can spend time worrying or I can stay in prayer and continue my walk with God, working hard and appreciating the opportunities that God has given me!
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
He is Listening
Almost two years ago I went in for a surgery that changed my life. Just to put it briefly, there were complications that have left me with severe knee pain. Right after everything happened, I visited what is called a pain team at Hartford Hospital. They had been working on my case for many years because of my Arthritis. They have always had some sort of idea on how to help me or suggestions of things to try. All of a sudden they ran out of ways to help me and said that there was nothing more that they could do for me. Then they pushed me along my way and sent me home. I went to all of my specialists asking them what to do and every single one of them said that there was nothing that they could do for me anymore.
The problem was that they had never seen this happen to a "child" before and they all felt that they did not have the proper tools to help me. After that I went to another pain team at another hospital and they put me on medication and again said that there was nothing they could do because there was no solid title for my pain. There was no proper diagnosis that they could come up with for the pain, therefore they felt that they couldn't help either. So yet again I was sent on my merry little way.
I am sure that right now you are thinking of many different things that I could try, but I guarantee you that I have tried. We tried physical therapy, touch therapy, natural medicine, healing prayers, heat, ice, diet changes and a variety of other things, but none of them have worked. So try to put yourself in my shoes before you judge how I have handled this situation. Since all of my doctors, surgeons and pain teams have said that there is nothing more that they could do, I decided that I was done asking for help. I decided to hope for the best and live my life. Well that has gotten hard again because my pain level is increasing. I finally decided that it was time to see a doctor so I went to the pediatrician.
In the days leading up to today I have been in prayer constantly. I was praying that there would be something that my doctor could do. I couldn't bear to hear that no one could or would help me anymore. I needed an answer, and I begged for an answer.
"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.
1 John 5:14-15
Well today He answered me. Today I went into the doctor and came out with a plan of what to do next. I was not sent away without any help I was helped and I was given hope. I did not deserve what God gave me today but I am blessed to have received this help. All glory be to God who continues to amaze me every single day. He leads me to a path that is breath taking even when I have lost my hope, He gives it back to me.
The problem was that they had never seen this happen to a "child" before and they all felt that they did not have the proper tools to help me. After that I went to another pain team at another hospital and they put me on medication and again said that there was nothing they could do because there was no solid title for my pain. There was no proper diagnosis that they could come up with for the pain, therefore they felt that they couldn't help either. So yet again I was sent on my merry little way.
I am sure that right now you are thinking of many different things that I could try, but I guarantee you that I have tried. We tried physical therapy, touch therapy, natural medicine, healing prayers, heat, ice, diet changes and a variety of other things, but none of them have worked. So try to put yourself in my shoes before you judge how I have handled this situation. Since all of my doctors, surgeons and pain teams have said that there is nothing more that they could do, I decided that I was done asking for help. I decided to hope for the best and live my life. Well that has gotten hard again because my pain level is increasing. I finally decided that it was time to see a doctor so I went to the pediatrician.
In the days leading up to today I have been in prayer constantly. I was praying that there would be something that my doctor could do. I couldn't bear to hear that no one could or would help me anymore. I needed an answer, and I begged for an answer.
"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.
1 John 5:14-15
Well today He answered me. Today I went into the doctor and came out with a plan of what to do next. I was not sent away without any help I was helped and I was given hope. I did not deserve what God gave me today but I am blessed to have received this help. All glory be to God who continues to amaze me every single day. He leads me to a path that is breath taking even when I have lost my hope, He gives it back to me.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Transitions
Transitions; I've never really been good at them but they occur. For me, transitions rarely move smoothly. I hate change and I get comfortable living one certain way and I don't want to move on. No matter how many times I go to school and come home the transitions don't get any easier. I have one week left until I have to return to school. I have been one winter break and spending so much time with my parents. You never know how much you will actually miss them until they are not with you anymore. Granted, I come home every weekend but it doesn't matter because five days a week I am parent-less and on my own. I love school and I love the people that I live with and we have a great thing going but it is still hard to leave home.
While I have been home I kind of shut out the world. I didn't spend as much time on my phone or on my computer because everyone that I needed in that moment was with me. Coming home and sleeping in my bed every night was such a treat. I used this time to try and cope with my loss and figure out where I am headed in the future and what God has in store for me. It is really hard to fully listen to God when all I can think about is finishing my homework or studying for the next test. A major part of my anxiety and stress has been relieved for the past few weeks. This is all that I see right now. I can't picture myself being back at school next week.
I stress myself out so much when I know that I am going to have a change in my daily routine again. I hate every single week that comes right before I am expected to transition to somewhere else. Emotionally I don't even know how much more I can take right now. I have gone through so many changes already and I just began to feel stable again and now its like the rug is being pulled from underneath me. It is not that I do not have a desire to be at school, because I do, but getting there is like climbing over an emotional mountain for me. Once I get to the top I always wonder who is still going to be down at the bottom when I return.
Scripture says,
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”Joshua 1:9
So as I face a simple task of moving back to school and continuing my (costly) education I have to remember that when I look down that "mountain" God is there. It doesn't matter who else is there because the thing that I need to see is God. No matter where I have to transition to, God is there with me and He is not making me do this alone. To you I may sound ridiculous for having such a problem with transitions, especially this type of transition, but regardless it is how I feel. God has gotten me this far and it is my will that you and I continue to put our trust in Him and follow Him wherever He wants us to go, no matter what. The transitions may not always be smooth but as long as God is by our sides we will be okay!
While I have been home I kind of shut out the world. I didn't spend as much time on my phone or on my computer because everyone that I needed in that moment was with me. Coming home and sleeping in my bed every night was such a treat. I used this time to try and cope with my loss and figure out where I am headed in the future and what God has in store for me. It is really hard to fully listen to God when all I can think about is finishing my homework or studying for the next test. A major part of my anxiety and stress has been relieved for the past few weeks. This is all that I see right now. I can't picture myself being back at school next week.
I stress myself out so much when I know that I am going to have a change in my daily routine again. I hate every single week that comes right before I am expected to transition to somewhere else. Emotionally I don't even know how much more I can take right now. I have gone through so many changes already and I just began to feel stable again and now its like the rug is being pulled from underneath me. It is not that I do not have a desire to be at school, because I do, but getting there is like climbing over an emotional mountain for me. Once I get to the top I always wonder who is still going to be down at the bottom when I return.
Scripture says,
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”Joshua 1:9
So as I face a simple task of moving back to school and continuing my (costly) education I have to remember that when I look down that "mountain" God is there. It doesn't matter who else is there because the thing that I need to see is God. No matter where I have to transition to, God is there with me and He is not making me do this alone. To you I may sound ridiculous for having such a problem with transitions, especially this type of transition, but regardless it is how I feel. God has gotten me this far and it is my will that you and I continue to put our trust in Him and follow Him wherever He wants us to go, no matter what. The transitions may not always be smooth but as long as God is by our sides we will be okay!
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Just a Country Song
This morning I was listening to my favorite new song again. The title throws a lot of people off and they can't look past it long enough to hear what the song is about. The first time that I heard the song I was taken aback by the meaning and the truth behind the words. When I decided to play the song for my dad I prefaced him with the same thing that I am going to preface you with. The title of the song and the first few words may strike you as inappropriate for the context of the rest of the song. I am asking you to overlook the title and some of the words and listen to what else the singer had to say.
The song is called "Beer With Jesus" it is sung by country singer Thomas Rhett. The first few lyrics are him talking about sitting down and having a beer with Jesus. I personally do not drink beer (seeing as I am not 21) and you may not like the fact that he put the word beer, and Jesus in the same sentence but for the sake of the rest of the lyrics think about the beer as if it were coffee. In your mind change it to coffee with Jesus, if that will help you to look past the first part of the song. I am going to share some of my favorite parts of the song.
"Beer With Jesus"
I'd be sure to let him do the talkin'
Careful when I got the chance to ask
How'd you turn the other cheek
To save a sorry soul like me
Do you hear the prayers I send
What happens when life ends
And when you think you're comin' back again
I'd tell everyone, but no one would believe it
If I could have a beer (coffee) with Jesus
Those words are the words that are often on my heart. My dad has always told me not to ask him those questions because he isn't the one that can answer them. He always tells me to make a list of the questions that I have for Jesus when He finally takes me home. I never really thought that anyone else had those same questions to ask God. There is so much that I don't understand but I have never heard my questions spoken aloud by someone other than me.
To some this might just be some dumb country song, but to me it speaks the questions that are on my heart. We may not have the answers yet but now I know that I am not the only one seeking an answer. Some of these questions remain questions because they are a part of just having faith. We have to trust that God has a plan for our lives when they end, and we have to keep on living while we wait for Him to return. I cannot imagine what it will be like when I finally face God, I don't even know if I will remember how to speak but at least I have questions for Him and I have faith that He will give me answers someday. Take a minute to listen to the song, and truly listen to the lyrics, I promise you that they are meaningful.
The song is called "Beer With Jesus" it is sung by country singer Thomas Rhett. The first few lyrics are him talking about sitting down and having a beer with Jesus. I personally do not drink beer (seeing as I am not 21) and you may not like the fact that he put the word beer, and Jesus in the same sentence but for the sake of the rest of the lyrics think about the beer as if it were coffee. In your mind change it to coffee with Jesus, if that will help you to look past the first part of the song. I am going to share some of my favorite parts of the song.
"Beer With Jesus"
I'd be sure to let him do the talkin'
Careful when I got the chance to ask
How'd you turn the other cheek
To save a sorry soul like me
Do you hear the prayers I send
What happens when life ends
And when you think you're comin' back again
I'd tell everyone, but no one would believe it
If I could have a beer (coffee) with Jesus
Those words are the words that are often on my heart. My dad has always told me not to ask him those questions because he isn't the one that can answer them. He always tells me to make a list of the questions that I have for Jesus when He finally takes me home. I never really thought that anyone else had those same questions to ask God. There is so much that I don't understand but I have never heard my questions spoken aloud by someone other than me.
To some this might just be some dumb country song, but to me it speaks the questions that are on my heart. We may not have the answers yet but now I know that I am not the only one seeking an answer. Some of these questions remain questions because they are a part of just having faith. We have to trust that God has a plan for our lives when they end, and we have to keep on living while we wait for Him to return. I cannot imagine what it will be like when I finally face God, I don't even know if I will remember how to speak but at least I have questions for Him and I have faith that He will give me answers someday. Take a minute to listen to the song, and truly listen to the lyrics, I promise you that they are meaningful.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Want To Be An Upward Prayer Warrior?
One of my favorite ministries is beginning this Saturday. Any of you who know anything about Upward know that I like for Upward (I know I said I live for Christmas too). It has been ten years and I still forget how close it is to Christmas. I get so caught up with Christmas that I don't realize how much needs to be done for Upward. Now there is less than four days left before we begin this crazy fun season.
For me, Upward is more than just a basketball and cheer-leading program. It is something that I look forward to. It is something that gets me through the week because I know that once the weekend hits, I get to go to Upward again. I have been a player, a coach, a spectator and the director of concessions and volunteers. Some how, I have always been a part of this program. The people involved have become my family. They are my support system and when I am at Upward I feel safe and happy.
I have been lacking in the length of my posts but I have put my focus on Upward right now. We have the chance to touch so many lives and to introduce God to many families through this ministry. I want to be at my best and I want this to be amazing and glorifying to God. I give Him all glory and all of my time and effort. Things may not be as perfect as I want them but I am going to make them as close as I can get to perfect. At the end of the day I am doing my part to spread the word of God and of His glory. He has blessed me so much and now He has given me the chance to bless others and I am taking that chance.
I am asking you now to be in prayer for this upcoming season. This is not going to go well unless we have not only all of the volunteers that are hands on, but our prayer warriors as well. I would love it if even just one person reading this would agree to be a prayer warrior for our Upward Basketball and Cheer-leading program this year. It is not too hard but pray about it and if you feel led to be a prayer warrior, feel free to let me know because the director of this amazing ministry is always looking for solid prayer warriors that will back us up and give us the strength of God to reach out and share God's love.
For me, Upward is more than just a basketball and cheer-leading program. It is something that I look forward to. It is something that gets me through the week because I know that once the weekend hits, I get to go to Upward again. I have been a player, a coach, a spectator and the director of concessions and volunteers. Some how, I have always been a part of this program. The people involved have become my family. They are my support system and when I am at Upward I feel safe and happy.
I have been lacking in the length of my posts but I have put my focus on Upward right now. We have the chance to touch so many lives and to introduce God to many families through this ministry. I want to be at my best and I want this to be amazing and glorifying to God. I give Him all glory and all of my time and effort. Things may not be as perfect as I want them but I am going to make them as close as I can get to perfect. At the end of the day I am doing my part to spread the word of God and of His glory. He has blessed me so much and now He has given me the chance to bless others and I am taking that chance.
I am asking you now to be in prayer for this upcoming season. This is not going to go well unless we have not only all of the volunteers that are hands on, but our prayer warriors as well. I would love it if even just one person reading this would agree to be a prayer warrior for our Upward Basketball and Cheer-leading program this year. It is not too hard but pray about it and if you feel led to be a prayer warrior, feel free to let me know because the director of this amazing ministry is always looking for solid prayer warriors that will back us up and give us the strength of God to reach out and share God's love.
A Relief Song
I have been highly stressed out in case no one has noticed. I have taken on a lot and I have been traveling back and fourth a lot to deal with my medical "issues". On top of that I have school of course and I have friends who rely on me and I haven't been there for them very much lately. The guilt of not being a good friend on top of all of my other stress has started to get to me. I was able to take a small break from the world today and go shopping with my Mom. It was a rather short shopping trip but it was something that had nothing to do with homework or obligations. As we rushed around I started to realize how much stuff I needed to get done when I returned to school. I was tempted to slow our shopping time down but I couldn't.
I was walking through an isle while I was contemplating how to stay out of school for a little bit longer. Then all of a sudden I hear this little voice singing "The Lord told Noah, there's gonna be a floody floody" over and over and over. Normally when kids sing the same phrase over and over I get annoyed and frustrated (mostly with my own sisters) but for some reason I just kept thinking how cute it was that she was singing that song. The odds of hearing a child singing that in Walmart now adays is very slim. When I hear little girls singing about Jesus it is usually my girls!
The smallest things catch me and make me think. There is just something about little kids singing praise songs that makes me feel like the Lord is near me. To hear that child singing gives me hope that faith is still standing strong against doubt. God is still being introduced to the next generation of kids. It is so important that we spread the word of God to children. I have found that a lot of the time, the kids are more open to listening to the word of God than so many adults.
I was walking through an isle while I was contemplating how to stay out of school for a little bit longer. Then all of a sudden I hear this little voice singing "The Lord told Noah, there's gonna be a floody floody" over and over and over. Normally when kids sing the same phrase over and over I get annoyed and frustrated (mostly with my own sisters) but for some reason I just kept thinking how cute it was that she was singing that song. The odds of hearing a child singing that in Walmart now adays is very slim. When I hear little girls singing about Jesus it is usually my girls!
The smallest things catch me and make me think. There is just something about little kids singing praise songs that makes me feel like the Lord is near me. To hear that child singing gives me hope that faith is still standing strong against doubt. God is still being introduced to the next generation of kids. It is so important that we spread the word of God to children. I have found that a lot of the time, the kids are more open to listening to the word of God than so many adults.
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