He Can Restore Life

Today was supposed to be the end of the world according to the ancient calendar. It was a ridiculous theory that was never going to come true unless God decided it was time to call us all home. Rather than the our world ending on this day, we spent time in remembrance of the 26 people who's world's ended last Friday. For the families who lost their Children, I'm sure it felt like their world's ended. Today as I tried to focus on remembering the loss that all of those families felt, many people kept reminding me about my loss. Everywhere we went someone asked us where our baby went and each time someone asked my heart sank even more. My attention was directed not at the great loss that occurred one week ago (which is what I wanted to focus on), but at the great loss that I suffered six weeks ago.

For every minute that I was lost in thought, life was moving on. I learned today that our baby is happy and healthy, with her new family. I know that I should be happy for her because I want the best for her but when I lost her, my world ended. I was sort of wishing that God would choose today to end the world so that this pain could stop and an eternity of love and life with God could begin. It was unrealistic of me to think that way but it didn't stop me. The beautiful light of my life was taken on this exact day six weeks ago, and I have not been the same since then. She may not be dead but I feel like I have lost her forever.

I was watching a TV show last night and one of the characters said exactly what I feel. He said that there are two types of grief, the first is a grief of what you had with that person. The other type of grief is a grief of what could have been and what will never happen. The two griefs are very different and I have experienced both forms. The one I am facing now is a grief of what could have been. My grief comes with every toy that she could have had or every outfit that would fit her and add to her cuteness. Its every milestone that I will never get with her, and every day that she won't be by my side bringing joy into my life.

I do not want my life to end (in case you were worried), but until I can figure this out I am living a life that's not mine. I am living a life of distrust in everything that I have loved and clung to for so long. My world did end that day and I have to find something that can start it again. I need something to shock me back into my routine and my life the way that God wants me to be living it. There are times where I forget what it's like to feel happy. I wonder sometimes, why God lets me feel this way.

This is where I am now and this is where my help begins:
"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.You will increase my honor and comfort me once more." Psalm 71:20-21

He has brought me to my knees and brought my world down with me so that He can teach me. He has brought me to my knees and it feels like my world has ended but God has a different plan. There is something He wants me to see through all of this and no matter how hard it is I will figure it out because He's got my attention now and I have nothing else to lose. He has promised me so much and I don't deserve any of it. He has made a promise to restore my life again. He is not going to let me stay broken like I am and no matter how long it takes He is with me and He is watching over me. My world ended and so did the world's of all the victims families but with God our lives can be restored again, because with God all things are possible.