Three Weeks

Today makes three weeks since my life was turned upside down. For some it may seem like I am dwelling on this subject. Until now I would not understand why this feeling and pain are still around. Losing a child (in a sense) is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to face in my nineteen years of living. She was a part of my family and a part of me. I believe that, that child was God sent and I know that she changed my life and changed the way that I look at life. I know that God did not put her in my life just to take her from me. I was so confused at why God would take her from me when she was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I was also so angry that His plan for my life did not include taking care of her anymore. I have had three weeks to dwell on this not only in thought but in prayer and in studying the Word.

There are days where I look at people with babies and turn to God and ask Him why they get to be so happy and why they get to have a baby. Do not get me wrong, I do not want a child of my own right now in my life, but my role in our babies life was like a second mother rather than just an older sister. I have missed so much by hiding out and not talking to people about this loss. I have not helped myself at all by watching happy babies and wishing that I could just turn back the clock and get her back.

I was not sure if I wanted to share my inner thoughts or my struggles during this time but again God has laid it on my heart to share this with you and I hope that it will help you understand me and my life. The first week was filled with anger and resentment toward God, mothers, sisters, families, and myself. I blamed myself for not fighting for her harder or letting her leave my arms in the first place. The second week I was begging for forgiveness for all of the anger that I shared. The tears wouldn't stop all week and basically all I could say was sorry. I was sorry for losing her, sorry for being angry, sorry for resenting people that had babies. More than anything I was sorry for thinking that God did this to punish me for something that I may have done.

This third week has been a very trying one. Filled with sorrow and tears, but also filled with enlightenment. God has brought so many people to me this week that were touched in some way by the tiny beautiful baby that I helped raise for an entire year. She had the love of God flowing through her and He used her to spread so much joy to so many people. Every store we went to someone asked us where our baby went. When people first started asking I begged God to make them stop. I did not want to talk about losing her and I did not want to cry in front of them but God knew better. He kept bringing people into my life that knew our baby. When we went out to eat all of the waitresses asked us where the baby went and when we told them they thanked us for loving her and being her family.

No matter how much I wanted to stop the painful thoughts of our loss God was teaching me. He was teaching me that He has a purpose for everything. He showed me that this was not just about me but it was about the hundreds of people that, that baby touched. We got to see the light of God in her and God has gone further to show me what impact she truly had on everyone. She opened the door for us to share the message with so many people. Today I sit here and I thank the Lord for putting her in my life. I thank Him for continuing to comfort me three weeks later. He is using this change in my life to teach me and to show me the light of His love and for that I am eternally grateful!

You Help Me Stand

Have you ever had a to-do list that just kept growing no matter what you did? Well that is my problem right now. I am a person who really likes lists but I also like to cross things off my list. I have been working really hard at setting my priorities and getting studying and homework done early. My list was shrinking so much and I was feeling a little relief but of course that relief was only momentary because when I woke up this morning I had to add about ten things that I need to get done and try to find enough time in the day to get them all done. I know that you're all thinking that I am a college student and this is finals time but it's not just a school to-do list anymore.

If this work load had been placed on me even just a few days earlier I would have most likely broken down. Now looking back on this stressful week I just look up and laugh. It seems like a cruel joke has been played on my life right now but now I figure why not laugh it off. I would love to sit here and waste time hoping that my homework will get it self done, or that my quiz would disappear. I can sit here hoping that the music for worship service will fall into my lap with no practice necessary but it wont. Being at school takes work, being part of a Church family takes work, being part of a family takes work, spreading holiday cheer takes work, parenting takes work, relationships take work.

Admitting that everything takes work is great but what I wasn't thinking about is why I have all of this work and this pressure. I believe that again God is bringing me to my knees. I have not relied on Him as much as I should. It sounds terrible for me to say that God is putting this stress on me but in a way He is. Sometimes God gives a a little more than we can handle ALONE. Alone is the key because He doesn't give us tasks or hardships that He can fix, He gives me the stress right now because I have not been leaning on Him. The stress is a reminder to me that I need to ask for help long before I am in over my head.

"So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:12-13.

Those very words describe how this week has gone for me and what I have been taught by the Lord. The way out that He is talking about for me is turning my stress and tribulation over to Him and asking Him for help. There are, as you know, some easy ways out of some of the work loads that we have, but they are not the right places to turn. I am going to stand tall but I can only stand tall if the Lord is beside me helping me stand. I am burnt out from all of the pressure and work that I have done and it is daunting to have to face even more work but I can do it. I can do it if the Lord helps me stand, if He helps me do it. The same goes for you but maybe this way you can realize that you aren't leaning on Him before you get overloaded! Just remember that in order to stand firm the Lord has to be by our side leading the way.

Trust

For a very long time I have had a problem where when things in my life settle down and I finally feel "safe" I find some way out of that safety. The reason I do this is because I subconsciously and consciously am trying to prevent something else in my life from taking that safe feeling away from me. I figure that if I take the safe feeling away from myself it won't hurt as much as it would if I waited it out. It is not that I want to hurt others, in fact I never realized that by separating myself from those that I am close to, I am hurting them. It is so complicated, and it is hard for me to share this because it is a flaw that I have, that I hate about myself. For a long time I didn't even realize what I was doing. It took one of my accountability partners sitting down with me and discussing what I had been doing.

I do not know why all of this flooded my mind last night but it did and I felt compelled to share it with others. I am the one who looks toward the future and I act on my fear of loss before I even give God the chance to work it out for me. Its kind of like I have my game face on all of the time because I do not want anyone to think that I have to rely on them to make it through this life. Sometimes I joke with my friends about having an attachment disorder like my siblings. I am afraid that if things are going well I am going to wake up one morning and it's all going to be gone. I have found out recently that I am not the only one that has these feelings or reactions. I was doing it without even realizing it but God gave me clarity through a friend.

Along with not wanting others to let me down, I never want to let anyone else down. This is another reason that I cut ties with people and take off. I am afraid that when things get hard, and when they get to a personal level with me, that I am going to do something that will let them down. I feel like if they learn about everything negative in my life they are going to be disappointed in me and lose respect or trust for me. I worry about the opinions of others and then I wonder if can disappoint people then what is stopping me from being a disappointment in the Lord's eyes. This has taken time and work but God has brought healing and teaching into my life about all of this. 

I have been working on letting God take care of my life and the people that He wants in it but I regress sometimes and try to take things into my own hand. It also has to do with trust. I do not give away trust very easily, people have to earn it from me and then I want them to be able to trust me. In the past, time and time again I began trusting just in time for the other person to make an exit out of my life. What I have forgotten is that we are all sinners and in the end it is hard to trust one another because we are going to let each other down but there is one person that I can put my trust in. That person is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

We are not called to put our trust in man kind. We are told to put out faith in God and God alone. 
" In you our fathers put their trust; they trusted and you delivered them. 5 They cried to you and were saved; in you they trusted and were not disappointed" Psalm 22:4-5

Remember this, we are never a disappointment to the Lord. We sin and we bring sorrow to the Lord but He does not look down on us and see us as disappointments. If you are anything like me I challenge you to stick around and see what the Lord will play out in each relationship that you have. He puts people in our lives for a reason and its time that I wait to see what His reasoning is before I drop everything and run. Maybe, if I do that I will find that it is okay to trust people, and that it is okay to disappoint them sometimes but we will deal with it. I don't want to miss anymore opportunities than I already have with people in my life. I am committing today, to work on friendships and other relationships because God put people in my life for me and I need to be grateful and realize that God doesn't want me giving up. As for me, my trust is in the Lord, and the Lord alone because He is the one that will make this all work for the good.

Snow Blessed

Growing up my mom and dad were big into Christmas. They made the whole holiday season an educational and fun time. Part of my love for Christ comes from the Christmas season. There was just so much love, excitement and happiness in my house during the Christmas season. The closer we got to Christmas day the more excited I got about hearing the story on the birth of Jesus. We waited until Christmas Eve to read the whole story all the way through and it made me have a deeper understanding of just how special Christmas was. You would think after years of hearing the same story about the birth of Jesus, it would just become a routine and nothing more. However, when Christmas Eve rolls around I get to stop and think of all the amazing things that happened in my life because of that baby that was born all those years ago.

Thanksgiving break for me and my family is the time that we finish decorating the house and spending time together. We still celebrate Christmas for two whole months and I love it. This most recent Thanksgiving break was my little sigh of relief. No matter how much family drama there was I couldn't stay mad because everywhere I looked there was some representation of Christmas. My sisters, my mom and I turned the TV off and danced around the living room or broke out in karaoke to different Christmas songs. No matter what was going on in my life last week, was faded and ignored. I was filled with excitement for the wonderful holiday that was getting closer and closer. In high school, I would come home every single day and lay under the Christmas tree and look up at the lights. Then I would do my homework, only using Christmas lights to see what I was doing.

At school it is very different. I am trying as hard as I can to have Christmas all around me but its not the same. No one sees these decorations but me and they really have no fond memories associated with them. While I was home I shut out my worries but being back here at school has given me too much time to dwell on the negative thoughts that I try so hard to ignore. By negative I mean thoughts like the semester will never end, or that if I don't get the grades that I want I have to face all of my loved ones over break. Now before I can even get to break I have to make it through finals. Last year was not terrible around finals time but I am in higher level classes now. I work so hard to succeed but in doing that I lose my passion for Christmas.

I hate being upset or sad during the holiday season. I used to be the one that walked around in Christmas outfits spreading joy to all of my friends and classmates, now I am just like the rest of the kids around the holidays; stressed and not jolly. Finally admitting one of the reasons that I am so upset lifted some weight off of my shoulders. I have two weeks left of classes to prove to myself and to others that I can continue to succeed at school even when I have suffered loss and separation anxiety. I am not here to fool around but I am also not here to become bitter toward happiness and love.

I prayed last night for some sort of Christmas joy to get me back to my old Christmas loving self. I wasn't sure what to expect from that prayer but I prayed it anyway. God has once again answered my prayer in a way that I did not even think of. As I sit here the snow is falling beautifully outside. God knows me so well (obviously since He created me) and He knew that snow would brighten the world around me and remind me of the beauty that this Christmas season holds.He has given me my answer and with that answer I have decided to start my countdown again, and break out my old Christmas jolly self, starting with my Christmas outfits.

It is not the same decorating for Christmas without my family, but God helped me to realize an important piece of information. My family at home is not my only family. I have a family on this campus as well, I have suite mates who are also my family and I can make two sets of memories for the future. If you are feeling down at any point in this holiday season I challenge you to remember what this season is truly about. Then look around you because God has given you the support that you need and you may not see it but its there.

Meaningful Pain

Twice in two days I have listened to someone talk about "feel good" preachers or Christian leaders. Their main purpose for preaching is to make people feel good about life and about the Lord. The "feel good" preaching is nice everyone once in a while but it also makes me feel like I am doing something wrong in my life on the days that I do not feel so good about life and the Lord's work in my life. The feel good preachers also are setting new believers or non believers for confusion and anger when their faith is tested. It is hard to hear that we are tested and that we lose so much but its the truth. There is more though, with faith in God things will get better.

There is a song that I have been listening to called "Don't Stop the Madness" (Tenth Avenue North). I just could not understand what the singers were trying to get across to those that listen to it. It frustrated me that in the song they asked God not to stop the madness, chaos and pain that is inside of them. Finally, I decided to play the song to my mom hoping that she could help me figure it out. Usually I do not get that intense about a song but for some reason I could not get this frustration out. I felt like I was missing something by not understanding the meaning. When I broke the song down into sections with her, I finally figured out how it fit my life.

This is the part of the song that touched me and got me thinking about my life.

"All I hear is what they're selling me
That God is love, he isn't suffering
And what you need's a little faith and prosperity
But, oh my God, I know there's more than this
If you promise pain it can't be meaningless
So make me poor if that's the price for freedom"

I have been struggling so much with all of the pain that is inside of me every single moment of the day. So many keep telling me that I need to let my pain go and move forward but I didn't want to listen to them. It hurt me so much every time I poured my heart out and got the same answer about moving forward. I know that I should give it all to God and for the most part I have done that, but the part that I have hung onto is the pain and the sorrow.  This is why the song agrivated me so much. I wanted the pain to stop so badly and I begged for the pain to stop but it hasn't. Part of the reason is because I have not turned all of my pain over to the Lord.

From where I stand right now I can see that the Lord has been testing my faith. I have been a believer for fifteen years and I have faced many tests. I have overcome so many challenges and remained (to an extend) firm in my faith. I have gone down a wrong path or two in the past but God always brings me back. I can tell when I am being tested. What I can't tell is how long it will last or what this test of faith is going to be. I can sit here and let the whole thing play out before I look at this pain as a test or I can accept that it is a test and figure out what God is trying to teach me or get me to see.

The one line that broke me down in that song was "If You promise pain it can't be meaningless". That was my conviction and the answer to my questions. The reason that I have clung to my pain even after I turned everything else over to the Lord is because I am scared. I am scared that all of this hurt inside of me, and all of the tears that I have cried are going to be meaningless in my life. My life has been shaken and I have not felt comfort, nor have I felt cared for in about three weeks. I cried out to the Lord for comfort but I was the one stopping that comfort from coming into me.

You and I have to remembered that God uses our pain and that the pain that we suffer has meaning. God brought me to my knees and gave me no choice but to listen. I wish that I could have listened all by myself but I was so caught up in life that I spent no time truly on my knees. Pain is scary and difficult but God uses pain to get us to listen, so it's time that I listen and its time that you listen.

Thank You Lord for Giving Me a Teacher

Today was crazy, hectic, troublesome and refreshing. Today is the day that my mom and I wait 364 days for. We save for the entire month of November and we wait to buy Christmas presents until this day. We held Thanksgiving at our house this year for the family, so we were exhausted by the time all of our family left our house. We knew that we needed to go to bed early because we were going to be waking up at three in the morning. Once midnight rolled around I finally got into bed, but I waited to long to go to bed. I woke up to a phone call from my mom at five telling me that we overslept.

If you do not know much about Black Friday let me tell you that timing is everything. We create a schedule so that when we arrive at each store they will have just restocked their shelves. The later you arrive the more stuff is already gone. People begin waiting in lines at midnight and police line up at the same time in preparation of fights. People get very heated while they wait in line, its much like a kindergarten class fighting each other to get to the head of the line. The employees of the stores have to fight through the crowds so that they can clock in before the rush of people come in. My mom and I opt out of going when there is a rush of people.

It sounds silly but waking up late is really stressful on a day like today. When we arrived at the stores we were, for the most part, the only ones there. It was nice and the few employees that were still working their twelve hour shifts were so kind. The shoppers were also very kind in the first two stores that we went to. The trouble began around 11am, I have no idea why the problems started then but it was interesting. I got to the point where I was overly tired and on my last nerve with other shoppers. The older women felt that it was their right to cut in front of us, grab an item that we were reaching for and walking away, and bumping into us and then glaring at us.

I was pushed over my limits when my mom and I sat in the car with our blinker on for five entire minutes waiting for the only handicapped spot left in the parking lot. All of a sudden this elderly woman backed her car up almost hitting our car and as the car pulled out of the spot that we were waiting on, the elderly woman pulled in and then looked at us and waved us away. Once I am tired and frustrated I tend to go overboard with everything. I told my mom that I was ready to yell at that woman because chances are I have way more medical problems than she does (which is true) and we deserve respect. My mom quickly calmed me down telling me that we are to have patience with people and that speaking out in anger is not how God wants us to live.

I have to remember that everything that comes out of my mouth will affect the person listening in some way. We are called, in Ephesians 4:29, to be patient and watch what we say.
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" - Ephesians 4:29

No matter how tired we get or how frustrating people can be we are Christ followers and the words that we speak are supposed to be glorifying to Him. We all face situations, no matter how old we are, where we need someone to remind us of that fact. For me it was my mom, who is also my teacher and has been my whole life. For you it might be a sibling, or a spouse, it doesn't really matter which Christian it is that reminds you as long as you have someone. Before you open your mouth in anger bounce your thoughts off of another believer and be open to hearing what they have to say. Be safe and have patience. 

Thank You Lord

The days leading up to this one have been busy, hectic, stressful and exhausting. It is easy to forget in the process, why we are so busy preparing and stressing. Yesterday while on the road I grew less and less thankful. People were screaming at each other through car windows, I was almost hit on three different occasions and a motor cycle tried to race my car and shout profanity in the process. I am a rule follower, so I do not typically speed even when I may need to because by following the rules I have a better chance of staying safe. I just sat in the car praying for forgiveness for my anger and asking for a redirection for my anger.

The day has finally come and family is on their way to my home for the Thanksgiving day family feast. All day my parents, siblings and aunt have been preparing and growing more and more tired of being in the same room as the other. I was getting really frustrated, you would be too if you were in the same room with eight people for hours on end with no escape. I am also a perfectionist, so I have high expectations for everyone in my home even though I shouldn't. I have tried to make everything perfect for this holiday but in the process I have lost sight of the fun and fellowship that can happen on this day.

When my friends began telling me what they were thankful for I started to think about that. All that I could come up with was that I was thankful for was the fact that I had the rest of this week off from school. The heat of the house was getting to me so I decided to put on my heals and hang lights up on our deck. It was so refreshing and it was finally quiet. I was able to get a totally different perspective on this day and I had time to spend in prayer with the Lord, with no interruptions or noise.

I am so thankful for so many things in my life and all around me. I am thankful for my family, even though they drive me crazy sometimes. I am thankful for all of the wonderful people that God has placed in my life. I am also thankful for all of the trials that I have faced because they have been a test of my faith and have drawn me closer to the Lord. I am thankful for all of the opportunities that have come my way and all of the doors that have been opened.

The most important thing that we need to remember on this day is:
"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good.His love endures forever. Give thanks to the God of gods. His love endures forever Give thanks to the Lord of lords: His love endures forever" 
Psalm 136:1-3

Above all I am most thankful for the Lord. So on this day make sure that you separate from your family for just a moment and remember to thank our Creator for all that He has done and has yet to do in all of our lives. God Bless you all and have a Happy and Uplifting Thanksgiving! 

Thank You For Healing

A few weeks ago while I was in prayer I got this sense of forgiveness rush through me. I didn't understand it and I wasn't sure what to make of that feeling. I felt forgiveness toward situations that happened a long time ago and situations that I haven't thought about for months. I didn't tell anyone about the feeling because I wasn't even sure what I was feeling forgiveness about. I prayed about it but I was afraid that the answer God would give me would put me in an uncomfortable position. In order to have total forgiveness I would have to admit that I was also in the wrong.

I was able to brush that situation under the rug for a while because so many other things were going on in my life. I thought that I had moved on from that whole situation but last night I found out that I was wrong. I may have thought that my job was done and that I wiped my hands of the topic, but God knew better. I prayed for so long about an issue that occurred well over a year ago. I moved forward with my life but I felt that God never really answered my prayer. As time passed the wounds seemed to lessen and I figured that must have been my answer. The truth is though, that I wasn't listening to God I was choosing my own way to go about this and I chose the answer that I wanted to hear. I wanted to be right, and in order to do that I had to ignore the words of the Lord.

I was looking over a very important piece of information that I would have found in the Word if I were actually looking.
"My child, pay attention to what I say. Listen carefully to my words. Don’t lose sight of them. Let them penetrate deep into your heart, for they bring life to those who find them, and healing to their whole body." Proverbs 4:20-22

Someone reached out to me last night asking for forgiveness and I realized that it was God. This was His plan all along but I just needed to wait for His answer. The feeling that I had all those weeks ago was in fact forgiveness. Just talking to this person washed feelings of relief and a sort of peace about everything that was in our past. I finally felt like I could move forward, and move on in a Godly way. Once I finally listened God answered my prayer after all this time. I did not deserve to get an answer after all of this time because it was my fault that it took so long to hear the answer.

Today, tomorrow and always, I thank God for healing, repairing and forgiveness. It was a wonderful surprise last night to receive healing and understanding. I get so excited and on fire for the Lord when He presents Himself to me in ways that I would never have imagined. I am blessed to have Christ in my life and His wonderful works in my life. I challenge you to open your ears and listen to what God has to say. Even when you feel like giving up on someone or a situation don't. Remember that God loves you and He has a plan for everything in your life.

Thank You Lord For Life

We live in a world that is full of devistation. Turn on the news, any given day at any time and you will see the horror that occurs right here in our back yards. We have soldiers at war fighting for our safety and we have so many that die in the line of duty. There are people killing other people all around us and violence doesn't surprise us anymore. Hospitals are full of people that are dying from diseases like cancer and organ failure. It is depressing but sadly it is the truth. You can choose to look at life that way and live in sorrow or you can think about the flip side of all of this.

Yesterday my mom and I went to go see our friends who just brought their first child into this world. Before we went up to see her we had to figure out where the room was. We went to the front desk and as the gentleman was searching for the room number I was thinking about all the terrible things that had happened that day. Then the woman at the desk said, oh! another baby was just born. I looked at her puzzled and she told us that every time a baby is born they turn off the radio and play a lulleby. I was stunned for a second because right at that very moment a new life was brought into that world. I was standing in the same building that God was bringing a life into.

When we finally got to see our friends new baby I was in awe of God's creations. I held that baby in my arms and thanked the Lord for a beautiful, wonderful life. I held a life in my arms that had not seen any destruction or experienced any death. It was kind of like holding an angel for me. It sounds cliche but its the truth. I have been focused this week on what I am thankful for. Today I was all ready to write about my friends and how grateful I am to have them in my life. Which is true but something else has been laid on my heart today.

I am sitting her and thanking God for life. In a world where we see death and sorrow I have been given a new perspective. God brings us life. I am thankful for my life and for the lives of people that are around me every day. I am incredibly thankful for all of the lives that God creates each and every day. So it is my challenge for you today to figure out what it is about life that you are thankful for. Live life the way God intended us to and remember that even in a world of sorrow it is okay to be happy.

Thank You for Sending Your Son

This is the time of year where everyone is telling each other what they are thankful for. For a lot of people this is just a superficial thanks because they don't really feel all that grateful from the start. As Christians we tend to talk about thankfulness at different times throughout the year. We have so many things that God has given to us, that we should be grateful for but how grateful are we really? The way that I see it, a lot of us take our lives and our faith for granted.

Yesterday while I sat and listened to the sermon at church, I got distracted trying to figure out what I am grateful for this year. It shouldn't be that hard to think of things but I got trapped in all of the things that went wrong this year instead of all of the blessings that have been given to me. Then all of a sudden the pastor really got my attention because he began talking about the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, and the fact that God gave His son for us. I just froze for a second because the only things that I was thankful for were material objects. I am embarrassed and disappointed in myself for becoming materialistic rather than realize the most important thing that my life is built upon.

I am thankful for God giving us His one and ONLY son. He is our savior and that is the greatest gift that we have ever, and will ever receive. If you are a parent think about this for a moment, could you imagine letting one of your children die a horrible death right in front of you. Could you watch your child be beaten and humiliated by everyone who claimed to support them at some point in their life. I cannot imagine any of us who would be able to stand that, but God did. He knew that His son was going to be our savior. No matter how hard it was for God He still gave us His son, which in turn gave us life. I am eternally thankful to God and to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and ONLY Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him." John 3:16-17

We would have nothing, not our families, or our friends or our belongings if God did not send His Son to save us. This week when you are asked what you are thankful for remember this verse. I could say that I am thankful for all of the blessings in my life and all of the opportunities that I have been given but when it comes down to it the most important thing that we can be thankful for is Jesus Christ our Lord and savior. What a wonderful gift, God gave us through His only Son. I am thankful for the life that I have and everything in my life but my focus this week is sharing with others the greatest gift we should be thankful for.

As For Me, I Trust in You

A week ago today I was holding a little baby in my arms wishing that I never had to let go, but I did. We had to let her go because it was in God's plan. I was hurting and I was angry. I wanted to be angry with God, I wanted to be angry with myself for not being able to stop what was going to happen. I couldn't do either of those things. I had to come to peace with God's plan and His will for that babies life and for my life. This week was a very trying week for me, and it was a week where I learned just how many people that He has placed in my life for support.

It feels like an eternity since that day last week. The days dragged on and I was kind of in a haze. I made it through each day, and even learned, and gave testimony to so many, but I couldn't stop thinking about the major change that has occurred in my life. As I have said before I hate change. I like things to be predictable and or solvable. Sometimes I get caught up in needed to take control of my life and how I am going to live my life, but I forget that I am not the one in control, God is. Sometimes the things that we try and take control of are small, and other times they have a huge impact on our walk with the Lord. Here I am preaching that we all need to give everything over the Lord, while I have sat here not letting Him take control of my situation.

I think that, that is one of the reasons last week was so hard for me. I wanted to control who was in my life and who was not allowed in my life. I wanted, what I wanted and nothing else. I was treating my loss as a personal failure. I did not fail because I am not in control and God did not fail because this was His plan. This week He has shown me how truly blessed I am. I do not deserve any of the blessings that have come my way. I didn't listen to Him, and I tried to take control, yet still, He blessed me and He comforted me. Through all of my tears He has yet again showed me His light and His love.

By trying to take control of this situation or any situation I am, in a way, saying to God that I do not trust His plan and His will . Psalm 55:22-23 says:
"Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall. But You, O God, will bring down the wicked into the pit of corruption; bloodthirsty and deceitful men will not live out half their days. As for me, I trust in You."

The first part really got me, because that is what I have been afraid of. I feared that I would not be able to keep moving on after this loss. I knew that by myself I really couldn't even stand right now, but I am standing. I am standing ONLY because the Lord is sustaining me with His love. For all of you that are facing trouble at the hand of other people read the second half of that verse and do not be anxious anymore. Trust in God. My challenge for you this weekend is to bow your head in prayer and trust God. Trust in His promises and His strength. All I can say to you is, As for my, I trust in You! God bless!

Judgement Free Zone?

In some way, shape, or form we all analyze each other. We make assumptions based on appearance, first impressions and stereotypes. You might say that you don't do that but honestly we all do it. It is part of our sinful nature, but those assumptions have consequences in your life. Even though we are Christians we do not always act like Christians. We fall into the worldly dramas and we lose out on relationships that God may have wanted us to have. Each time that we condemn or judge another person we are giving them a reason to stray from the church or their path/potential path with the Lord. If non believers see us acting like other non believers then what would make them want to accept Jesus into their hearts?

In my communication class we have been learning about how to make relationships work and how we view others. We have looked at the stereotypes that people put us in and then discussed how it made us feel when the assumptions were made. You may know the old saying, "Don't judge a book by its cover", and the same is true for people. It seems like that phrase has been drilled into our heads for all of our lives. If that is so true, how come we don't listen? Why is it so hard for us to look past the surface, or get over our judgments? For me, it is sometimes a fear of rejection. I don't take chances because I fear that when someone gets to know me they may not like me. My logic is that if I put them into stereotypical groups I never have to go out of my way to get to know them.

I am not alone in my fears, but there is another factor that plays into this. Some of us just don't care; Some people don't care what their judgement s do to others. You may think that if you don't care you can move on and forget about those people, but that's not always the case. It may sound extreme but each person that we judge and choose to ignore is another person that we are not sharing the love of Jesus Christ with. I still get caught up in meeting people and not liking them from the start. I never give those people a second chance and as I was reminded today, behind every angry person, or hurting person or happy person, there is a story and there is something in their life that makes them who they are.

I fell into the trap of judging and condemning  but today the Lord has reminded me how I am to live. One of my peers is a very angry person. I do not like anger being showed that vividly it scares me and I tend to look the other way. That person that I was shunning revealed something from the heart today and it made me realize that I was getting a lesson from God.

It is time for me to read scripture and actually take in what the Lord is saying to us.
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your bother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye" Matthew 7:3

I had heard that verse time and time again but today it has been given meaning to me. I challenge you to look at your life before you pass judgement on someone else. Pay attention to what you are portraying to non believers. We are supposed to show the love of Christ and that means giving each person another chance. I had a nudge (more like a shove) into the right direction today. I am grateful for the reminder because I do have the love of God in my heart and its time I start acting like it.

Distractions

Distractions; they come in many different ways, at different times and they have different effects on us. Sometimes we get distracted for a few seconds or for a few minutes. Other times it might be a few days, then there are those who have been distracted for a few years. We don't realize the effect that distractions have on our lives. It might be something as small as you day dreaming at school or at work. Every time you look at your phone waiting for a reply you are being distracted from whatever else you were doing. Those are some very small everyday examples but distractions are not always so small.

For me in the past there have been days where I was so distracted by everything that was going on in my life, and I ended up in prayer for only a few minutes and only once that day. I am sure that I am not the only one that this has happened to. We try to keep it to ourselves when we realize that we were so distracted. I was embarrassed that I got so distracted and didn't spend time talking to God. I did not want to admit that I forgot but here I am finally deciding to admit it because again, I don't think that I am alone in this. Luckily I was able to realize what I was doing and I asked for forgiveness and I actually haven't let distractions take away from my prayer life but that is not the only thing that can be effected by distractions.

Right now I am sick, all I can think about is the fact that I hate being sick. I have a major project and an exam to complete tomorrow, yet all I can think about is how I feel. I do not feel motivated to do my work, even though I know it must get done. If I do not put my distractions aside, I could face getting a bad grade, or not doing my best work and getting a low grade. Most of those reading this are not in school, but the same can be true for the workplace. If you have an office job, you have to be organized and on top of paper work and whatever else your job requires. Say you had a bad morning before work and that's all you could think about; if you do not get your work done because you are distracted you could face consequences that you did not want.

The bigger issue is when Christian get distracted from God. You may not be getting distracted on purpose, most of us don't do it on purpose. There is that old saying that "life happens", its as if you have an excuse to be distracted but we do  not. God knows when your kids are causing trouble at home and He knows that you can't stop thinking about how to fix things. He knows where our hearts are at, and He waits for us to turn to Him. If we do not put God first we risk being the person who gets distracted for weeks or months. We get distracted when we are consumed with anxiety about making enough money to provide for our families, or wondering about the future and the life that your kids will inherit. It is so tiring to be so distracted from the Lord and His plans.

 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?^" Matthew 6: 25-27

Let me be the first to admit that I let worries become distractions in my day to day life. No matter how many questions I ask the answer is still the same. He gives us the same response because we need to embrace this truth in order to live and to love the life that has been given to us by our Lord and Savior. I challenge you to take a look at your life and figure out what is distracting you. If may be small and it may be large but give it to God because you cannot follow His path if you are continuously questioning His ways. Be in prayer and know that this might take time but it all starts with you admitting that you have distractions and asking for help to change.

Just Keep Going

It has been four days since my life was turned upside down again. I have tried not to ride the downward spiral of depression. It is very hard when everything seems to be going wrong, to look at the bigger picture. My friends have continued to check up on me and try to make me happy, and I have been trying so hard to make an effort at being happy. I hate disappointing those who are trying to be supportive of me, by giving a negative attitude. I think people have been worried that I will blame God for this whole mess, but that never really seemed to be a solution to my problem. Instead of blaming Him, I begged for His help, and His comfort, and His guidance. However, I have been having trouble hearing His answers.

The advice I have been receiving is greatly appreciated and helpful. I have been consumed in studying and searching for an answer and a healing for my pain and my families pain. I wish that the answers were in black and white and handed out to me, but they aren't. We all have to keep our eyes and our hearts open for the Lord's response to our prayers. Yesterday, a friend that I haven't spoken to in some time, reached out to me. We caught each other up on the things going on in each of our lives. Both of us have grown so much, and experienced so many things since we last spoke. We talked about the future and what we are going to do as adulthood fully comes upon us. In a way I was forced to look at the bigger picture and the future that could become present very shortly.

Today I have a long walk to one of my classes, so I put in my headphones and I talk to God. Today in my time of prayer I realized that I have been so focused on my loss and my pain. I have been feeling like the world has stopped and that life can't get worse, and then it does get worse, every single day. I sit and wait for something else to go wrong and I am wasting time. I am on the path that God is leading me on, but I have sort of just stopped and I am standing still. I haven't budged and I really haven't wanted to budge. While I am standing still I am missing so much of the joy and learning that is going on around me. I cannot just stop on this path because there is so much more waiting for me that God has planned.

There is a reason that I am going through all of this right now, and it will be revealed to me in time.
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the songs of God to be revealed For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God." Romans 8: 18-21

There is a lot to that verse but it gives yet another perspective on my situation. Let me be the witness for you, that God will reveal His plans in His time. I challenge you to face any new or difficult situation was your focus on seeing God's bigger plan for your life. I have so much to learn and as I learn I hope to teach as well. This sorrow inside of me will take time to heal, but I cannot stop on the path that I am being led on. Just keep going.

Emptiness

People have said that I knew this loss was coming, but what am I supposed to say back to them. Then others offer the "it will get better" cliche. If you have ever been the person that suffered the loss, you know that those comments do not offer any support, or any comfort. We strive to find someone that will say something to make you feel better.  I did not write a post on Friday because I didn't even have the words to speak, let alone to give a testimony. I had no words of wisdom because I was waiting for someone to tell me what I am supposed to do now. I was waiting for someone to tell me where to go from here.

Some of my really good friends drove to come see me this weekend to check in on me and my family. I could barely tell them how I felt because I knew that the moment I divulged my pain, I would cry again. I am no use to anyone in a state of distress, and regardless I still had a job to get done. Life is moving on around me when all I want is to stop for one moment and let me take a breath. It is hard for others to understand how to help you when you have lost someone you love. I need others to understand that although there was no death in this situation, there was a great loss. Right now I feel like that is harder than those that I have lost to death. 

You see, my sister has moved into a new family. I know that they will love her just as my family has but she will grow up differently than she would have in my family. It's hard to raise a baby for a year and not plan a future for them. This impending move out has come around about four times since summer, but each time it came around I prayed my heart out and God came through for me every single time. He blessed me with more time than I deserved with this child. This last time I again prayed with all of my strength, but when it came around this time, my blessings seemed to end. I clung to the hope that God would come through for me one more time, but that hope slipped through my hands as I watched the car pull away.

I wanted to be angry with the family who has the baby but they have done nothing wrong. They are her family now, and we are called to love everyone no matter what. I want someone to blame for all of this because I don't want to blame myself. I am not going to pretend like I am okay with all of this just because it was obviously God's will because I am still coming to terms with that fact. I had dealt with loss in the past but this loss is so close to the heart. I have been is this state of emptiness for three days now, and I didn't know how to get out. I can't focus on anything and I am losing sight of the path that I am walking on.

I found this in scripture and it made me pause for a second.
"Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth You will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once more."  Psalm 71- 20-21

I feel like I am not living right now, and I am consumed with grief, but what I do not feel now, is anger toward God. He is not to blame for any of this and I have known that all along but sometimes it's nice to be reminded that He is on our side. My pain is not going to be healed right away and it is going to take some time but I know that God has comforted me every other time that I have needed comfort and He won't give up on me no matter how much hurt I feel. I have to trust in Him, and trust in His plan because it is far greater than my plan. I can do nothing else right now but place my trust in Him.

The Role

In my communication course on tuesday we were asked a question and it has been stuck in my head now because I didn't give an answer. The question was, What role do you play in your family? Such as our jobs that we do or responsibilities that we have. This used to be easy for me because I was the one that tried to be exactly like my mom. I tried to be the parent and the mama bear, and typically got scolded for trying to take over the house (sorry mom). No matter what though, I knew my role.

When you are the oldest child in a family you see everything differently than everyone else in your family does. As the oldest you have a life long job of taking care of your siblings no matter what. Some people fulfill their jobs, while others quit and hand it over to someone else. I am not a quitter, I will be the lead for as long as God wills me to be. When there were only two kids in our house growing up, it was my job to create the path for my one younger sister. I hated the job at times but I couldn't stop doing that job. I would be the one to go into the doctor and get a shot first just so that my sister wouldn't be scared. No matter how much it hurt I was swing my arm around and show her that it wasn't all that bad.

Now I have five sisters (soon to be four), and I have tried to continue that role to the best of my ability. I always felt that I was the glue that needed to hold my family together. No matter what tragedy happened in our family I was the one who held back the tears and tried to comfort everyone else. For a while I was told that because I chose not to show my emotion in front of the family, I was cold and must have had no emotions about the situation. That, would make me cry because that meant that I succeed at my job. I prayed long and hard about it but I didn't change anything.

God has given me the ability to have the strength to hold everything in. I hold things so that I can be the glue for everyone else. Then later I give everything over to the Lord in private. This system has worked for so many years, and my relationship with Christ has grown stronger.  It even worked with my church family. My church family has blessed me time and time again and just like my role at home, I have my role in the church family as well. Now I sit here, still trying to find the words to say about my role in the family. Everything that I have said is how I used to feel and to some extent I still feel that way, but things are changing. I am the one that cannot hold it together, and I don't like it. I do not like feeling like my role in the family is the overly emotional sister but its happening.

God is using this one loss that I am about to face as a way to show me the different roles. As much as I hate being emotional in front of my family (both church and home) I can't stop it from happening. For me letting the emotion out is like publicly letting go of everything that I am feeling inside. Holding this all in has made me cold, and I have put up walls so that no one can get through. I have been the gate keeper who lets no trespassers into my family. Now, it's time for me to listen to the Lord and figure out what role He really wants me to take on. I can't hide from this, so now I am going to face it with strength from my loving family, church family, friends and most importantly God.

I challenge you to figure out what role you play in your family. If you can't figure out what role you play in your family, ask yourself what role you play in the church. If you cannot figure out the role you play in either, be in prayer. Take on a role in both your family and your church family. I am not saying that you have to be the head of the house now, or hold a leadership position at church, but I am saying to listen to God. If the role you are playing now is no longer the role that the Lord wants you to play then ask for guidance. Ask for Him to show you the way to a new role! We are each an important part of our families because all of us together is what makes us a family.

Snow and Surrendering

I have been on my knees praying for days. I have prayed for so many different things but it seems like nothing is happening. I feel like I am on a speeding train and I want to get off but I don't know how. I have been preaching away at the ways we can let go and let God but right now I am having trouble actually doing that. I am scared and I keep picking up the pieces of my life and can't figure out how to put it back together. I know that God's will, will be done but sometimes His will seems to be exactly the opposite of what I want to do.

I have prayed for God to give me the understanding to deal with my troubled sister. I have prayed for God to help me love her unconditionally and things got better and then we hit rock bottom again. I get angry and lose sight of what God is telling me to do, which adds to my being stuck on this train. It is like one crisis after another after another. Right now all I can feel and all I know is loss. I am sitting here watching everything that I held dear slip out of my grasp and no matter how hard I try I can't hang on. What I need to realize is that maybe God doesn't want me to hang on. Maybe my loss will be another person's gain, and that should make me feel lucky right? That my blessing will become another person's blessing. However, I can't stop the train long enough to feel like I could even want to share my blessing with someone else.

Last night after the election, and talking to my friends and family, I realized that everyone has been to busy to see that I am on this never stopping train. At first I was angry, but then I figured out that this is a test for me. God was giving me a clear message that I needed Him to make all of this madness stop. He is the only one who can stop this "train" that I am on and I haven't been letting Him. I have been waiting for my loved ones to come and save me from this mess but they aren't coming because this is between God and I. So no, I cannot stop this train without the Lord.

Then this morning, when I woke up and started getting ready I just stopped. I stood still because the song that was playing on my ipod was called "Surrender". It was finally time for me to give it all to God. I got on my knees this morning and I gave it all to God. I gave Him everything that I have been clinging to, and everything that I have been trying to fix by myself. It was like I finally could take a deep breath because I wasn't being crushed by everything that is going on. However, God didn't stop there.

We were supposed to be getting snow today later in the afternoon, but with everything bad that is going on in my life I figured why would it snow, I love snow and nothing good is happening in my life right now. The funny thing is that as soon as I gave the Lord everything, as soon as I surrendered it all to Him, someone told me to look outside. The snow is coming down hard right now, and all I can do is look at in in awe. God did not have to give this gift to me but He did. This is the snow that will turn everything white and new and pure. Snow has always been my comfort, and for some reason snow makes me feel closer to God.

The only challenge that I can give to you today is, as I have said before, let go and let God. He is amazing and He will take care of you no matter how bad you think your life is getting. I thought I was left in the darkness with no way out but God did it again and reminded me of His light and His glory. I am not saying that all of the hurt or pain has stopped because it hasn't but God gave me a new perspective. He is the only one who ever gives me tears of Joy and He has done it again! Be blessed and for those that have to drive in this, I am praying for your safety.

The Choice

Today for all of those over 18, we get to make a choice, and a choice that counts. Do not let anyone tell you that your thoughts, ideas and opinions mean nothing because someone else makes the decision. No one said that it would be easy to choose one side or the other, but every single vote counts. I have waited for so long to cast my official vote and make a difference some how in this life. Life is a series of choices that are left up to us. Each choice that we make has a consequence, whether that be good or bad.

Today of course is election day, my very first presidential election. When I went to the poles I was thrilled about being old enough to cast my choice. However, in every choice we make there are things that get in our way sometimes. For instance, when I got to the poles, not one, not two, but three people asked me if I was old enough to be voting. I almost bit the head off of the third lady as I shoved my license in her face (obviously that was not a Godly thing to do but I did it). I was just ready to make a choice that no one could make for me or make me chose a certain way. I did it, and it felt amazing to cast my vote.

I cannot ignore the other choice people have on this very important day. Some people choose not to vote, they choose to steer clear of all political business. All I have to say to those people is what do you gain from that? By not voting you are letting someone else make a choice for you, and you may or may not like the outcome. I cannot stress enough to my fellow believers that this country needs a change. This country needs to be brought back to its roots, and needs to be reminded that God is here. To you it may seem like one vote isn't going to change anything, but it does. That means there is one less person that will stand up for a change in this country.

If you think about it, God has given man choices since the very beginning. Eve had a choice, and Adam had a choice, and as we can see the repercussions of that choice changed the path that man would follow.  Those of us who have made the choice to follow a life with Christ as the center are blessed. Though we have choices we cannot make the right choice if we are just choosing based upon what we want and not what is right or Godly.

"By myself I can do nothing; As I hear, I judge, and my judgment is just, because I seek not my own will but the will of him who sent me" John 5:30

Our choices need to be made with God and based upon what God has called us to do. Keep that in mind today while you consider your options. God knows that right way, we just need to let Him show it to us.

I am challenging you, if you are old enough, go out and be heard. If you think that just one person can't make a difference than how about if we all pitch in and make a difference. I do not have all of the answers and I cannot force you to do something you don't want to do. There is not much time left, but with the time that is left pray about it and see where God leads you. I can't make this choice for you, and the choice is a hard one, but make a choice. God has graciously given us the freedom to choose, so what are you going to choose? Good luck and keep praying.

Weight of the World

It is no secret that I am the type of person who needs stucture and organization to get through each day. To best explain what I am trying to say, I'm going to let you inside of my head, figuratively speaking of course.  In my head I put everything into these little boxes so that I can deal with one thing at a time. This system has worked for me for many years. Sometimes I mix things together but God always helps me put everything back together. God has tested me of course but I've always made it through. Mind you, this box system is only how I deal with problems, or the different tribulations that I have faced.

Right now I feel like all of those boxes were dumped out and I don't know how, or where to start picking up the pieces. I do not like this feeling of not being in control, and not being able to fix anything. I like to fix things, I like to solve problems and I like to do them in order of importance. However, I can't figure out which things in my life are the most important and need to be dealt with immediately. I do not like telling people when I am at my weakest point, nor do I like letting people know how I deal with everything that goes on in my life. In my prayers today I felt led to share all of this. I kept asking God if He was sure, knowing full well that He was sure, I was just hoping that He would change His mind.

I have a lot on my plate right now and I wish that I could just make it all go away but I can't. I am usually very good at juggling school, time with my family and friends, Church, and times of trial. This is just one of those times where I feel like things just keep getting worse, and I sit here and wonder when it is all going to end, or if it is ever going to end. I am trapped in my own negative thoughts and I am not looking up and trusting that He will protect me and take care of me.

My hope has been renewed by the Word.
"We are hard pressed on every side but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed" 2 Corinthians 4: 8-9

I have heard this verse time after time growing up. Those words have been used in songs throughout the years. Even though I knew this verse it didn't really have a significant meaning to me until now. When I was feeling strong and in control that verse didn't seem to apply to me. Now this verse is something that I am studying and memorizing in a different context than I have memorized it before. I am overwhelmed and even though I feel like I am holding the weight of the world with no help, I have to realize that I am not alone. I am not fighting through all of this alone. God is not going to let me be crushed by everything that I am dealing with. It is with His strength that I will have any chance at making it through this.

So if you are having one of those days or weeks in your life like I am having right now, there are a few things that I believe you should consider doing. First of all admit that you are overwhelmed. Second, admit that you need help and that you can fix this on your own. Third turn everything that is overwhelming you, over to God.  Finally, take a deep breath and trust that God is listening to our cry for help and remember that He has promised to help us and to love us. I will spend the rest of this week in prayer over this matter, and I hope you will add it to your list of prayers as well. Pray for those that are feeling this way and ask that God help them as He has helped you.

Beauty

Today as I was walking to class I looked around at all of the trees. Just last week they were all full of leaves. I love fall because all of the trees get their own sort of personality. They are set apart from each other but they are all beautiful. Today, I realized that the trees were bare. Sandy took all of the leaves off of the colorful trees. Then as I was walking back from class, I walked by a tree on my way down the stairs. This tree was full of leaves that were bright red with an orange tint. They were bright  and so beautiful. It might sound a little odd for me to be getting so excited over some leaves on a tree, but it is so much more than that.

To me this tree represents something wonderful. All of the trees around it had no leaves because when the storm came around they were not strong enough and lost all of their leaves. They were bare, and they lost their beauty. Then there was the bright red tree, that faced the same storm as all of the other trees but it stood strong. It fought the storm and it did not lose its beauty. It is quite a sight to see when you look outside of my dorm, but that tree is a fighter. I'd like to think that I too am a fighter and that I can with stand any storm. I would hope that when I face lifes trials I do not lose my beauty in the eyes of The Lord.

No matter the storm or the sorrow and loss that you and I face, we have the choice to stand up and give it all to the Lord or give up and lose. Think of yourself as that beautiful tree, think of us all as those beautiful trees that were full of leaves and life, before the storm took them. We are those trees, and every time we give up and don't fight in the storms we face we lose our leaves, it might take some time but we will lose them if we do not fight. I choose to remain beautiful and full of life, I choose to fight because the Lord gives me the strength to fight through this storm. We all have the choice to face the storm alone, or face the storm with our Lord and Savior.

Honestly the choice is up to you, as for me,

"My soul finds rest in God, my salvation comes from Him. He is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken" Psalm 62: 1-2

Think about those words there. Every single time I read those words I am in awe of the Lord and His promises, and His strength. You may not always find that rest right away, but it will come if you let it. He is our rock, our solid and strong rock. My favorite part of the entire verse is that we will never be shaken with the Lord. We can stand strong we won't even be shaken.

I challenge you to take a step back and think about where you are in your life right now. When a storm comes your way, are you going to be the one that is left standing full and bright, or are you going to be the one that is bare because you didn't lean on God when you should have. God's wonder reaches so far and He is our solid rock. I place my trust in Him, and I have to believe that even through this storm that I am going through I won't be shaken and I won't lose my beauty just as that tree remains beautiful through a storm.

Holding Your Tongue

We all have these days where every single person in our lives seem to be annoying us in some way. Whether they are close to us, or someone just passing us by there is something that bothers us. Well I have had that type of day today. The day has dragged on and my annoyance has built up and built up. I was upset from the moment I woke up, so as you can imagine my day was less than enjoyable. I tried to think positively but I just couldn't muster it up today.

I felt so critical of others today, but every little thing that they did made my internal fight get harder and harder. I was ready to crack and finally give someone a piece of my mind. By the time I got to my fourth class, I had all of these speaches prepared to give those around me that have bothered me all day. Lately I have felt invisible, like no one was listening to me or going out of their way to talk to me. It is a lonely feeling and I just keep bottling everything up. People have been rude, inconsiderate, and have demeaned what I have to say.

I really wanted to yell today. I wanted for someone to finally listen to what I have to say. I wanted to get out everything that I have been holding in. None of the speeches that I prepared were nice. They were all full of anger and make me sound like a terrible person. So then I wondered, am I terrible for just thinking all of those disrespectful comments? I still really cannot answer that, instead I keep going. I keep pushing through and accepting that I am invisible to my friends, family and classmates. The times that I have tried to speak out, even just today, I get brushed off, like what I have to say is not worth listening to.

If you are like me and feel this way I want to let you in on the piece that is key to feeling better. That piece is our Lord, Jesus Christ. He is ALWAYS listening to what we have to say. He does think that everything we have to say is important. He knows what we are feeling and He's feels that pain that we feel. The other part of this that we must remember is that no matter how much we want to speak out at someone who has made us feel this way or who has added to the build up inside of us. However we have been given instructions on this in scripture.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building other up according to their needs, that may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4: 29

I challenge you to go out of your way this coming week, to make someone feel like they are loved and that you care about what they have to say. Do not push it off to someone else because the reason some of us feel so invisible is because you assume that someone else will reach out to us, so you don't have to. I am as well going to be open to being an outlet for someone else. It is so hard to feel like what you have to say does not matter to others, but all it takes is someone to listen and show that they care. So be that person, show them the love of Christ and lend your ear.

Finally, please remember that no matter how hard it gets we must hold our tongues. We are a representation of God's love so we have to be willing to show that love no matter what. It's going to take prayer and the support of each other but we can all do it because we are called to do so!