Three Weeks

Today makes three weeks since my life was turned upside down. For some it may seem like I am dwelling on this subject. Until now I would not understand why this feeling and pain are still around. Losing a child (in a sense) is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to face in my nineteen years of living. She was a part of my family and a part of me. I believe that, that child was God sent and I know that she changed my life and changed the way that I look at life. I know that God did not put her in my life just to take her from me. I was so confused at why God would take her from me when she was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I was also so angry that His plan for my life did not include taking care of her anymore. I have had three weeks to dwell on this not only in thought but in prayer and in studying the Word.

There are days where I look at people with babies and turn to God and ask Him why they get to be so happy and why they get to have a baby. Do not get me wrong, I do not want a child of my own right now in my life, but my role in our babies life was like a second mother rather than just an older sister. I have missed so much by hiding out and not talking to people about this loss. I have not helped myself at all by watching happy babies and wishing that I could just turn back the clock and get her back.

I was not sure if I wanted to share my inner thoughts or my struggles during this time but again God has laid it on my heart to share this with you and I hope that it will help you understand me and my life. The first week was filled with anger and resentment toward God, mothers, sisters, families, and myself. I blamed myself for not fighting for her harder or letting her leave my arms in the first place. The second week I was begging for forgiveness for all of the anger that I shared. The tears wouldn't stop all week and basically all I could say was sorry. I was sorry for losing her, sorry for being angry, sorry for resenting people that had babies. More than anything I was sorry for thinking that God did this to punish me for something that I may have done.

This third week has been a very trying one. Filled with sorrow and tears, but also filled with enlightenment. God has brought so many people to me this week that were touched in some way by the tiny beautiful baby that I helped raise for an entire year. She had the love of God flowing through her and He used her to spread so much joy to so many people. Every store we went to someone asked us where our baby went. When people first started asking I begged God to make them stop. I did not want to talk about losing her and I did not want to cry in front of them but God knew better. He kept bringing people into my life that knew our baby. When we went out to eat all of the waitresses asked us where the baby went and when we told them they thanked us for loving her and being her family.

No matter how much I wanted to stop the painful thoughts of our loss God was teaching me. He was teaching me that He has a purpose for everything. He showed me that this was not just about me but it was about the hundreds of people that, that baby touched. We got to see the light of God in her and God has gone further to show me what impact she truly had on everyone. She opened the door for us to share the message with so many people. Today I sit here and I thank the Lord for putting her in my life. I thank Him for continuing to comfort me three weeks later. He is using this change in my life to teach me and to show me the light of His love and for that I am eternally grateful!