No More Control

I really struggled over what I wanted to write today. What is on my heart is very personal and I wasn't so sure that I wanted to share it. However, here it goes. Control is something that I have struggled with for a good part of my life. Those who know me, know that I have Fibromyalgia which is a pain disorder that sends pain through every nerve in my body. I have come to accept that I have this disease and I believe that God gave it to me so that I could one day help those who are fighting this same battle, and I have had that wonderful opportunity.

This is a disease that I am used to having but I have never gotten over the fact that I have no control over my body and the amount of pain that I am in. I have medicine but that can't fix all of the damage that this disease has done. That is one thing that I can't control.

I have actually made a list in my head (in the past) of all of the things that I can't control in my life. I tend to focus on those things. I found that I have no control over life and death. When I was 18 I lost my best friend to a motorcycle accident, I lost my grandmother before that, I lost a baby that I loved with all of my heart (she was foster and isn't dead but we have been removed from her life). More recently I lost my uncle and my Grandma, the woman who raised me along side my parents has a cancer that will be taking her life in the near future. I cannot control any of those losses. People have told me that part of foster care is giving the children back but until you have foster children do not be so quick to believe that its easy to give back the children that you poured your love and work into.
I can't control my health, I can't control who likes me and who doesn't. I can't control how many people come to my church or where my family choses to live.

There are a lot of things that I cannot control. So to compensate that I try to control everything else in my life and in the lives of those around me. If you happen to be close to me I am sure that you have seen my control issues. One issue surrounds my siblings, especially the one that is closest to me. She may be getting married but since the day she was born I have had some sort of control over her life because she was "mine". She was my baby sister and that gave me a sense of control, however now that her life will no longer be intertwined with mine I am having to learn to let go of my control over her life. Its so hard for me to do this. I also struggle with the fact that I cannot control what horrible things happen in the lives of those I love.

I am a follower of Christ and He is supposed to be in control but I have to admit that for so long I have not given Him control. I try to fix things myself and take care of everyone else. So I myself did a little experiment thinking I was so smart. I decided that after my church shrank smaller and smaller until all of my friends no longer attended and only 13 people went to church, that I would give it to God. I finally gave up my fight over forcing people to come to church because obviously it wasn't working.

I did that two years ago. The first of those two years, nothing really happened in the church, or so I thought. So I kept praying trying to leave control in God's hands. Well right now we have tripled that number. God has brought in so many people and I love each and every one of them. I don't even remember life without these people. I no longer go to church wondering which family will leave next, I go to church, look around and wonder who else will join our family. I let God take control of this situation and I guess you could say that He "passed" my test.

As I said before giving control over is the hardest thing for me but God has already showed me that He is in control. When I sit here and feel like my life is out of control, that's a true statement. It is out of my control, because the person who's really in control of my life is God, whether I want Him to be or not. When I stop fighting Him for control my life is filled with joy and blessings. So I am making this goal public. I will fight myself to turn control over to God. I'm sure that I am not the only one who needs to turn some things over to God. I have a lot to turn over and I challenge you to come along side me and let Him take over and make our lives go in the way He has them planned to go!