God's Will and Not My Own

Four years ago today I had my life planned out. I knew which college I wanted to get into, I was Editor-in-chief of my high school yearbook, I had great grades and I knew that I was going to be an investigative journalist, uncovering the truth. Yeah I had arthritis, but for the first time in my life I got to forget about it because I was going somewhere with my life. My plan was great. I had a small problem with my knee dislocating and decided to have a “simple” surgery to fix it. I cleared two weeks of work and once those two weeks were up I was going back to school and back to my routine. Yes I was praying, but not for God’s will because I had my own will right then.

Needless to say, four years ago, my life was turned upside down. I have told this story in the past so I will give you the short version. I never recovered from that surgery. I never went back to high school, I couldn’t walk for sixth months and I became very depressed. My life plan was thrown out the window. What I couldn’t see then, was that this surgery was God’s way of reminding me that He is in control. I didn’t understand why I had to go through so much pain, but 3 ½ years after the surgery a doctor finally told me what was really wrong with my knee.

The surgery irritated the early stages of Osteoarthritis in my knee. That surgery was a gift to me because rather than finding out one day that my knee degenerated, we know ahead of time and we can take the proper action.

Four years ago something else in my life changed. We were placed with a set of three year old girl twins. They were the most beautiful three year olds in the world (I’m a tad biased). They could barely talk, and had no concept of love. They didn’t know how to play, or laugh. They knew pain but I knew beauty. It took about five minutes for my family to fall in love with them and from that moment on they were ours.

After my surgery I was bed ridden for a while in our living room. One of the twins (Twin A)  was at a special school and the other twin (Twin O) was home with my mom and I. Twin O would climb up into my bed with me and just lay there for hours at a time. She wouldn’t move, she just snuggled and we learned how to love each other at a whole new level. She and I had a bond from the start.

I watched them learn how to use words, and they watched me learn to walk again. I will never forget the day that I took my first steps without my crutches. They saw me and ran to the crutches, each grabbed one and chased me across the room with them because they were scared that I would fall.

I cannot believe that they are seven years old. They went from being toddlers to being sweet little girls. They have their challenges but they have taught me how to love in a totally new way. They came to my rescue when I wanted to give up. They gave me a reason to push forward because they needed me as much as I needed them. Sure we fight like sisters sometimes, but that’s what we are. My whole future was changed. I had the twin sisters that I had always dreamed of.

When it was time to talk about adoption I was ready to make this happen. We had complications but they were our family and we tried so hard to keep it that way. We would pray to God for an answer (I prayed to keep them because my life plan included them living with us) and doors would slam in our faces. Yet, I kept on going because I liked my plan better than I liked Gods. I fought so hard to pray for MY will to be done.

As many of you know, a week from Sunday we will be saying goodbye to my beautiful little sisters. We do not understand why this is happening and neither do they. They cry every single day asking why. The sad part is that we ask why too. The truth is I know why ultimately. Why? Because God’s will was different then my own. No matter how much we fight, or how hard we try God’s will is what will happen in our lives. Someday I hope they understand that and that they know they will always be my baby sisters.

So four years after God showed me His will and took control again, I am back in the same place. You would think that I would have learned my lesson but life is messy and I am messy. The good thing is that God loves me and my mess. Four years ago I was so alone, I had my family but friends? Not so much. This time around, as my heart is breaking into little pieces I have a church family, who are more than just a church family, they are my family. They are here to pick up the pieces because God put them here to come around us.

I know that though I fight back tears thinking about this horrible goodbye (horrible because the kids beg and plead to stay with us and for me to be home with them every minute of every single day even though I have school), God has a plan for my life, the life of my family, the life of those around us and the life of my precious and beautiful sisters.

So here it is my confession. I have tried to make it my will and I have failed miserably. Its time that I let God take control and see what His plans are for my life because I can guarantee that they are better than the plans I have made. So if I’ve learned nothing else these past four years I can remember this, God’s plan is the only plan for my life and it’s time for me to listen.