Struggling to Keep Up.

I am so far behind in my blogging, and my school work. I feel like everything that I am doing is never done. I feel like I am letting people down everywhere I turn. I cannot seem to keep up with the blogging every single day, and I cannot finish all of the school work that I want to finish in one day. I missed going to church toady because I feel under the weather. I went to sleep pretty early last night because I was too sick to get my school stuff done. I think that I am letting the Lord down because I have missed some of my devotions and I am overwhelmed by college decisions and planning.

Today is the national day of decision. I have to set in stone which college I am going to next year. I have now declined all of my top choices, and am going to my "fall back" school. It is hard for me to wrap my head around this school. Things have changed so much in the past couple months. I never would have seen myself going to this school just a few months ago. I do not know where I put the Lord in all of this. I had plans to go to a nice Christian college and surround myself with people who have a love for the Lord. Instead I will now be attending a state school. I am trying so hard to appreciate the fact that I am able to go to a nice school like Eastern, but it is a huge change for me.

The Lord will be with me no matter what school I go to. There are many Christians at the school I have chosen. There may not be a thousand Christians attending but there are enough for me to find and fellowship with. There is a Christian group at this University, and I plan to attend that as many times as I can. I believe that the Lord is going to use me somehow at this school. There is a reason I didn't end up at a private Christian college. The Lord has many more plans for me, and I do look forward to seeing just what those plans are.

I will say though, that blogging is still going to be hard to do every single day. For a while I think that I will have to do as many as I can. I have decided not to make up any that I missed in April because I don't have the time. It is not my time though, and I will be giving that time back to the Lord. My time though, might be just between me and the Lord for a short while. I need to make sure that my heart is in the right place for me to be sharing what is happening in my life.

It's Never Too Late To Start Over.

I don't know if this lesson was for me to hear, or for someone else who reads my posts. I just know that I have come across this topic a lot recently. I have made some small mistakes and some large ones. We ask for forgiveness and the Lord gives it to us. However, like I said before, we do not always forgive ourselves. We fail, and we label ourselves as failures. We mess up, and we feel like the loser. Though, we are influenced by those around us, and what they name us to be. Sometimes, even as brothers and sisters in Christ, we are quick to condemn and label. It is not our place to judge others but we do.

It is easy to accept what everyone else tells you, you are. There are people I know, that got their title and instead of changing the way that they were, they fell right into the stereotype. We have the chance to start over and change that title that was glued to us. We do not have to fit the mold that everyone tries to squeeze us into. The Lord is here, always, and He will take your hand and lead to in the right direction. When you take the wrong path, the Lord never said that you couldn't turn around and come back, you were to proud, or to embarrassed to turn your life back to Him.

Many elderly people go into the hospital and while they are on their death bed, they will turn back to the Lord. They start over at the end of their lives. It is never to late to change. It is never too late to start over. It could take you all your life to start over, but what matters is that you do start over. You can't change what you have already done, or what you have already been labeled as, but you can change your behavior, and you efforts in mending and getting another chance. So instead of thinking why me, think about starting again.

Take Responsibility.

Today's society is about placing the blame on anyone other than yourself. Kids blame their siblings into adulthood. It's no longer a behavior that only affects those who are young, but affects the mass majority. No one wants to admit there mistakes, but when they are cornered, instead of coming clean, they blame someone else. I blame others too, because its hard to not follow the norm. Its easier to let someone else take the heat of your mistake. The thing is, as Christians we are supposed to take responsibility for the sins we have committed, and then we are to bring them to the Lord and ask for forgiveness.

There are countless verses in the Bible about wise men taking responsibility and the fools that don't. No where in there does it say that it is easy to take responsibility for your failures. It is something that I know I can't do on my own, because, well one, I don't want to, and two, it's very difficult. I have blamed so many times before, and I'm sure that due to my sinful nature I will do it again. I am so far from perfect. I don't understand how the Lord can just forgive me when I have tried to run from a mistake or failure. He forgives, and we will never deserve it.

When my mom was teaching my Sunday School class, I didn't always listen. I still forget some things I learned in those classes, and she catches me on it, but I'm human. There was, however, one lesson that everyone in the class has never forgotten. It was titled, blaming. We were given a worksheet, and it had landmines all over the page. These were the landmines that would throw off our path with the Lord. The largest landmine on the page read, "blame". After that class, every time my sister and I tried to blame the other, we would recite the words, "blaming is a landmine". I don't always follow it, but I do remember it. I know that not taking responsibility for my mistakes and failures, becomes yet another block in our path to the Lord.

Every Little Change.

We have been having trouble at home with my younger sister. She has been rude, and extremely difficult. She was causing many problems at home. We would have one day of her being ridiculous and mean, then we would talk to her and the next day she would be great. It has been very frustrating to live here with her. I thought maybe that if I gave her a devotion something would help, but nothing was working. I went to her privately and asked her where God was in her life. I felt her pulling away from this amazing faith. I know that it is not my job to keep her faithful, but I was watching her slip away.

God was listening to our prayers. It may seem small, but we have had two days now of utter happiness. She has listened, and done her chores, and she has been nice. The disrespect has been gone, and we are able to share a smile with her. Mom and I went out and while we were shopping we talked about her behavior change. I picked out this little wooden decoration in the shape of her first initial. I want her to know that I see this behavior too. I know that I am not the parent but even as the older sister, I wanted nothing to do with her anger and meanness. Today I was actually able to sit down and hang out with her, and not get angry. I want her to know that I see her effort and its appreciated.

Maybe its something that I said, or something my parents said to her. Maybe though (most likely) it's God. He has gotten through to her and He has used us to help her. I know that this is not my doing alone, or my parents. There is power in prayer. I wanted something to change, and I knew that I should change myself before I try to change someone else, but by the grace of God we are headed in the right direction. I applaud her for making this step forward, and I pray that God can grant me the wisdom to help her on her journey.

A Little Prayer Anyone?

This week is the week leading up to Easter. It is a wonderful week filled with many Christian events. My church is holding prayer times every single day. They are also showing Passion of the Christ. I personally can't ever watch that movie again. It was very emotional and I can't even comprehend what the Lord has done for us. They tried to in that movie but no one can capture that. I find it amazing when people sit and pray for hours on end. All I can think about is that when Pastor prays for a long time, I get bored and loose focus. I know that prayer is so important, but I just don't know if I could do it for hours.

I sometimes feel guilty for loosing focus during the long prayers, but I know those types of prayers don't work for me, so I am not wrong when I don't feel guilty. I am closest to God during my popcorn prayers. I pray at least 30 different times a day. That seems excessive, but when you popcorn pray it can be less than a minute. This way, I pray when I remember something that needs prayer, or when I need guidance from the Lord, and I feel like it hasn't come. I have accepted that some people do not approve of only short prayers, but I say that its your relationship with God, and each of us builds that up differently.

God is kind of like the best friend who always stays by your side, and has sleepovers every night in the summer, but better! So if you have guilt for falling asleep or forgetting that you are in prayer, when someone else is praying, it doesn't make you bad. It makes you human. I still fight to focus when someone else is praying. It's hard to listen and not think about something you have to do, or something you want to say. God is still listening to you. I pray better by myself.

So this week, figure out where you are in your prayer life. Stop hanging onto guilt and think about your favorite way to pray. Then multiply that every single day. The more comfortable we get in our prayer life, the stronger it will get, and we can create a closer relationship with the Lord.

Make a Wish. Make a Prayer.

Right now I looked over at the clock to find out that it was 11:11. That time is the time when we are supposed to make a wish. There are so many superstitions about making wishes. I always say "make a wish" but I don't ever make a wish. I go to God and pray about my "wish". I didn't do it on purpose the first time, but who else would I talk to about what I want in my life. I do not always get what I want, because the Lord knows what is right for my life. It was recently that I realized, I don't wish, I pray. I don't believe really that wishing on a star or a time of day will bring anything but let down. You need to put your focus elsewhere. The Lord will listen. So now 11:11 has become a reminder to me during the day, who I have listening to me.

There are so many verses on prayer, but a slim amount on wishing. We do not need to wish, because it is greedy. We have been give the biggest gift of all, eternal life. I'm not going to lie, I still pray for things that I just want, but when it comes down to it, that's not our right. Psalm 5:3 gave me some insight on this. "In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly". This does not mean that we will get what we request right away, or ever. It is a reassurance that God is listening to our prayer.

I am not an expert by any means, at deciphering just what the Bible say. However, I share my opinion because sometimes, I am actually right. These are not my words, they are His. I study them and piece them together in my life. So call it a wish, or call it a prayer, as long as we know where that request is headed, a title doesn't matter. Next time you look at the clock, and it says 11:11 look up and spend that minute in prayer with the Lord. It can serve as a reminder for you, and me.

How is This Fair?

I have begun to do my online school. It seemed kind of fun when I did the first unit. I got it done within the hour and submitted it. From there, I was scored 100 %. I found amusement in the smiley face wearing sunglasses that sat next to my grade. Last night I decided to dive into unit two. This one was a little more difficult. There were a lot of steps and a ton of writing. While my parents both slept I stayed on my bed working for two and a half hours. I did not move from my spot because I feared that the computer would go to sleep and I would lose all of my work. I was in pain and I needed to go to the bathroom, but that was my motivation to keep going.

Well when I finally finished, there is a button at the bottom that says "finished, send to my teacher" so I clicked that button and a page popped up saying "security violation". All of my work was gone. I tried to click the back button and the undo button but nothing happened. I actually broke down and cried. I spent two and a half hours ignoring my pain and the fact that I needed to take medication, because I wanted to get the work done. I have now completed that same work all over again. It was frustrating and upsetting to sit and write four pages of work all over again. I was angry with the program and with my school because we called this morning for help and they never responded.

Lately I have been thinking about the word fair. I want to say that its not fair for all of this stuff to keep happening to me, but again, its not about me. I need to remember why I am doing this online school. My guidance counselor and some other members of my 504 team, figured out a way for me to complete 12th grade from home. I am lucky that I don't have to hurt myself trying to go to school everyday. I am blessed to be healing and to not have an infection. Although the pain hasn't changed at all, I have a family who takes care of me. I am not saying that I don't get upset and ask the Lord why this is happening, but I can truly see that I am blessed.

Jealousy Gets the Better of Us.

After the school music trip last year, I counted down the days until the one for this year. Not to place blame anywhere, but my dumb leg has gotten in the way of something else that I had looked forward to. Some of you are probably thinking that I tell you not to plan things, and look what I did, but I don't feel that way yet. I feel like I have missed out on fun and bonding. My thoughts aren't even on the success of the band or the chorus, just that I was supposed to go with them. I already have missed a college trip, and countless sleepovers. Today my sister left for the trip. Last night I re-folded all of her clothes in her suitcase. I felt bitterness inside of me as she spoke of the trip itinerary.

This whole internal pouting is a form of jealousy. I am to worried about what everyone else gets to do, instead of thinking what I can do instead of the trip. I get to spend a few days alone with the twins and my parents (my other sister is here too but that's not the point). My sister and I had a huge fight last night before she left. Part of it was truly because she had tried to pack some of my belongings and I was angry, but the other part was the jealously. She was going to go where I wanted to go more than anything.

I cannot shed that jealousy when it is the only thing on my mind. I am thinking too much about myself and not enough about what God wants me to do with this situation. I believe that He is using me as a testimony of someone who has hope in the Him, but at the same time I feel like letting go. It's like I am being punished sometimes for the sin that I have done. Now when I am rational, I know that this is not the case, but during my irrational times, I'm not so sure. I have been slacking on my scripture reading because of this anger and jealousy taking up my time.

When I searched scripture, I found Psalm 37:7, "Be patient and trust the Lord. Don't let it bother you when all goes well for those who do sinful things". How can I let it bother me now, when I myself am a sinner. I am no better than those that I am jealous of. Right now I am living in a "me" centered world. This world leaves me empty and unhappy. We find happiness just like everyone else. Because we know the Lord, our happiness will come and it will be eternal. Jealousy for me, comes when I am tired of waiting for it to be my turn for a good situation. I can't say that I am now not jealous of my sister and my friends, but I know where to go to get help with these feelings.

Stubbornness and Pain.

For days now my sisters have stopped helping me, and they haven't done any chores, or homework. They clean up just enough so that when mom looks over, it seems like they did their chores. It angers me that they do that to her, because then at 12:00 in the morning she gets up to shut the lights off and finds a huge mess that she then has to clean up. I used to forget my chores because I was too busy doing the girls chores, but now there chores and mine aren't getting done. I have taken it upon myself to get up and clean everything that I can. The girls come over and ask if I need help, but at that point I have asked them to help many times and they said no.

I won't deny that I am stubborn, but I feel like a burden and that I need to earn the help that my mom gives me. She chases the twins around all day and takes care of me, then the other girls come home and trash everything that is clean. Seeing her frustrated makes me angry at the girls. They leave a mess and have fun with the twins. Mom gets a nap every now and then, so during that nap I get up and clean what I can. If I got up while she was awake there is no way I'd be able to complete any work. The twins got new toys the other day, and decided to play with every single toy and leave them out. Mom was on the phone when we sat down for dinner, but when I saw that mess, I almost cried. We are teaching the twins during the day, that they have to clean up before they can leave the room, and then the older girls let them go wild. I sat down not at the table but in the other room and cleaned up everything rather than eat.

All of this extra work has put me in more pain than I can bear. I try not to complain, or take medication because I want this to be better. I am being stubborn in that area as well. I know that I should take medication but I worry that it will set me back more than I already am. This all reminds me of the story about Mary and Martha. Martha tried so hard to get the work done, while Mary went off to listen to the words of the Lord. I was angered myself when I read the story. I was appalled that the Lord chose the side of the lazy sister. I guess I have just looked at it the wrong way.

Martha could have left Mary alone to be with the Lord, but she felt hurt by her sister. I have felt the same way, but that does not mean that I should pick up the slack of my sister. Right now I need to be focusing on my health, and not doing the work that my sisters should be doing in hopes that they get condemned. Sometimes though, I find it harder to let it go, than to just do the work. I am wrong and I know that, but this is something still in the works in my life. It may not be about us though, we just step in because we think its our right. These types of things can be left for the Lord's concern.

God Forgave You, Why Can't You Forgive Yourself?

There are so many times that I go into prayer asking for forgiveness. There are so many times that we all fall into temptation and find ourselves wishing that we had listened to the Lord. Then when that certain temptation has past, we go to the Lord begging Him to forgive what we have done. He has promised us that when we sin and bring it to Him, He will forgive you. So why is it that He forgave us, but we won't forgive us?

This is a trap of the mind I think. We believe that the sin we committed was unforgivable. I hang onto my sin because I am so angry with myself that I seek punishment in a way. I feel that I am not worthy of the Lord's forgiveness, and the truth is, I'm not. I am forgiven because I am loved by the Lord just like you and everyone else. When I am doing a certain sin, I know that it is wrong. The fact that I knew I was wrong sticks in my head. That doubt in my head, that I will do it again. I hang onto my sin even when I am forgiven and it becomes a reminder everyday. Continuing to think about our sin, is what Satan really wants. It is then, that he comes in and brings the temptation.

Sometimes, I think that we hang onto that sin because we know that we will do it again. In a way, it's like we want to do it again. When we ask for forgiveness we need to be ready to repent. The temptations will still be there because the devil knows that it is a weak spot. At first repenting is going to seem too difficult and tiring, but it's worth it. I can't do it alone but I CAN do it with the Lord. When we ask the Lord for forgiveness we need to also ask Him to help us get through this. Temptation is always going to be there, but God will always be there too.

The Preacher or the Teacher?

Today I went to church. I miss going so much, but there are just some weeks that I cannot handle leaving the house. I have always been the one sitting in church taking detailed notes during the sermon. I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I doodle, but I give the pastor my "pretty" drawings. For a long time I have always found it weird that the sermons during service matched what we learned about in Sunday School. When I was little, I used to tell my mom (who was my Sunday School teacher) that she and the Pastor had talked before church so that they could match lessons. When I was a little bit older, I was able to see that the matching messages came from the Lord. Every time after that I knew to listen very closely when it was the same message twice. I believe that the Lord sends us what we need to hear. It may not be what we want, but if He is sending the message from all different directions it's time to open your ears.

Hearing the message twice is great, but not everyone can make it to Sunday School, but don't worry the Lord has many ways of speaking to His people. With everything that is going on in my life health wise, I have found it difficult to climb the stairs to get into the Sanctuary. Today was only the second time that I have gone to church, since the surgery. Both the first time and this time, the sermon was something that touched situations in my life. Although the Pastor knows what's going on in my life, he doesn't know what it is that I need to hear. He may be the preacher but he is not the Teacher. The Lord is our Teacher. He sends messages to us through other people in our lives, like the Pastor at your church.

Sometimes I only half listen to the sermon, but I take notes so that I can look back later. By doing that I get the chance to form my own thoughts on that topic, and piece it together in my life. I don't suggest that you always figure it out yourself, but it might help you. No matter what though, I always hear what the Lord wants me to hear. I sound rather contradictory but there are just so many ways that the Lord talks to us and I want people to know that what they hear really is Him.

Each sermon, lesson, devotion, teaching, is special, as long as it truly comes from the Lord. I find that the sermon topic touches me as well as others around me. Knowing that one topic can fit what is going on in my life, and my fellow church members, is amazing. When I sit in my chair, listen to a sermon and find the answers to my situational questions, I know that my answers are from the Lord.

Do You Have Hope?

Hope is another one of those words that gets thrown around by everyone and anyone. It has become a space filler word, and something you tell people when they are down. Hope didn't come from the world though, it comes from the Lord. We are told many times in the Bible to have hope. Hope is what gets me through each day. If I did not have hope that the Lord has a plan, then I would live in sorrow. Some people live without hope. I haven't figured out if they are weak, or lazy, or have turned from God. I am not saying that when things are going wrong, I always see that glimpse of hope, but I do know where to go when I need to find that hope. I fold my hands and pray, sometimes I am led to talk to another one of my brothers or sisters in Christ, and other times I am led to the Bible. It does not make you weak to ask God for help, what makes you weak is ignoring the chance to feel hope from the Lord.

I have lived with many medical issues my entire life. I don't even want to think about what my life would be if my parents didn't show me the hope that the Lord gives. Somehow though, I can always have a melt down, and then take a step back and see where the light is shinning in. I tried to let go of hope for a while, but in doing that I signed over to a miserable life, filled with temporary gratification. I cling to hope so that I can keep pushing forward. I find that it actually helps bring me back onto the right path with the Lord. I am always searching for hope that He sends, so I have to stay in "contact" with Him.

Hope really is the Lord. He is the light in everything. Non-believers use the word hope too. It basically has the same meaning to them as it does to believers. It is the belief that something good will happen. That is how I see hope, but I also see that it comes from the Lord, and it comes in spite of the sinful lives we lead. Hope is a gift. The Lord has given this gift to everyone. I believe that, those who do not see hope in bad situations, put there gift in the closet without unwrapping it. My analogy makes me think twice when I am in "darkness". Instead of giving up, and giving in, I get up and start again, but ONLY by the grace of God. I have hope, therefore, darkness cannot consume me.

Need a Dose of God?

Right now I am up to my ears in medication. I even have tried the herbal stuff. It isn't working anymore, nor is it bringing me any relief. I take what I can so that my pain is lessened, but I can't keep the pain gone. It is a place that I hate being in. Pain, with no visible way out. So many of us live in pain, but some find a way to stop the hurt. All I do really, is sleep. I take medication to put me to sleep, and then I don't feel pain. While I sleep though, time goes on. I feel like I am wasting my time sleeping, but I won't stop because it is my way out. I can name at least 100 people in my life that are taking some sort of medication to make it through the day.

It's frustrating to try everything that exists, but get no relief. Maybe we are all going about this the wrong way. I personally pray that the Lord send me the right doctors, and a medication that works. As the days go by my prayers come from my heart a little less every time. I feel like I am stuck, and there is no way to get away from this pain. Then today I thought about healing. I struggle with the idea of man being able to heal anyone, and work miracles. Many tell me that I am wrong, and that the Bible says that there are some people who can heal, through the Lord's will. My mom got me a Bible study about healing, in hopes that I will find some way to understand the Lord's miracles.

I believe that along with that, what I really need, is a good dose of the Lord. It sounds weird to say it like that, but it's true. I need to give all of my pain to Him, and let Him deal with it, HIS way. Maybe instead of that extra dose of pain killers, I go to the Lord. Just like everything that crosses my path, it will take work, and time, but I still put my trust in the Lord, and I know that He will get me out of this. I challenge you, along with myself, to spend this week filling your hearts with love from the Lord. You might find a little peace in the mess you feel you are in.

Tiny Sigh Of Relief.

It is now almost two months since I had surgery. I haven't been back to school, and I haven't done any school work. When the tutor came at the end of march, he dumped a huge load of work on me. I had two books to read, and projects to complete, along with an endless supply of tests. Even now, I still sleep for half of the day, and then I go to physical therapy. I could not figure out how I was going to make up the work. I felt like all of the things that cause stress in my life, were dumped on my lap all at once. I was upset, and felt like I was going to do the work, but delay my recovery.

I prayed, but not hard enough to deserve what the Lord had in store for me. He once again went right through my doubt and answered my prayer. It did not happen like I thought it would but that's the beauty in the Lord's work. Sometimes we miss the answers that He sends us, because we aren't looking for His answer, we are stuck in our world pretending that the Lord is ignoring you. I had a meeting at school last week. I was extremely anxious because, one, I hadn't been in that school for over a month, and two, those meetings never went well. I went into prayer, but I let my anxiety take over, and I didn't put my heart into my prayer. This is more proof that the Lord shows us mercy, and by His grace, we are blessed.

When I entered the meeting, and even during the meeting, I was nervous and uncomfortable. I wanted more than anything to leave the school and go home. The meeting didn't take long, but it helped. They suggested that I do my english class and my history class online so that I could work on it whenever I wanted to. It meant that I would still be able to sleep all the time, and that when I felt okay I could get stuff done. It was like lifting that weight off of me so that I could keep going forward and maybe recover. When I got home, and talked it over with my mom, I realized that the Lord had shown me light through this pit of darkness. It is all I ever wanted, and what I needed. God is good, All the time.

To Love Conditionally.

Growing up, I had this one Uncle that always bothered me. I judged his appearance and his life style. My mom used to sit me down every once in a while to explain to me the importance of unconditional love. I hated that word, "unconditional", it always rubs me the wrong way. I still have trouble loving people unconditionally. I love people sometimes, but then when they hurt me, or do something that I have deemed wrong in my mind, I don't love them at all. This is called conditional love. It when you love people on a situation basis. This is not what the Lord wants me, or anyone else to be doing. I know that He loves us unconditionally, but I still have so much more to learn.

I have spent a long time trying to figure out how I can learn to love unconditionally. It is one problem in my life that I have not given to God. I have moments when I think that I have given it to God, but then that same situation comes up and I have to start all over again. I know that I am not the only one that goes through this, but for a long while I thought that I was. I never wanted to admit to anyone that I have trouble loving others fully. I thought that it made me a bad person. I assumed that people would look at me as if I were cold- hearted. With some people, you will find that they judge you, but there are so many others that have the same issues.

When looking up scripture on this topic, I found many verses that would work, but only one that gave me just what I was looking for. "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins" 1 Peter 4:8. It made me realize that every time I do not love unconditionally I am focusing on sin. I am hanging onto bad memories and using it against that person in my head. It happens even in my own home. My youngest sister is misbehaving all the time. It bothers me greatly, but I cannot do anything about it because I am not the parent. Then there are times that she is so sweet, and I think that she has changed. It really isn't my decision to make her change. I cannot control her life.

It is so easy for me to say, right now, that I have no control, but in the heat of the moment I want more than anything to "fix her". I hang onto every sin that she creates. I ignore my own sin, and instead focus on everything she has done wrong in my eyes. Right now, I do only love her conditionally. It is a huge problem, but it is a mutual problem. I have tried many times to make myself love her always, but it is not a job that I can do alone. I need to give it to God. I say that all the time, but if I cannot love one of His children, the way He does, then it is by His mercy alone that I am loved. This situation requires work, and honesty. You are not going to be left alone, by admitting that you do not love everyone unconditionally. We are sinful people, but we are also saved. Going to God for help is the first step in the right direction.

Where Is God In Your Life?

We accept Jesus in our hearts, and we worship the Lord. We are taught from a young age that we are constantly building your relationship with the Lord. They tell us that we have to read the Bible, and pray everyday, so that we don't lose God in our lives. I have always found that absurd. How could anyone just forget about the Lord? Well lately this has come up in my life. I am so overwhelmed with my worldly stress, that I haven't truly been working on my relationship with God. I "forget" to pray every night and I don't even know that I'm doing something wrong.

We can all make excuses, I have some too, just like you. I take medication that puts me to sleep, so it "couldn't be my fault". In all actuality it is my fault. I could be praying before I take my medication. It begins maybe, as an innocent mistake, but then you get stuck in a downward spiral. God is still there, but you have closed yourself off to Him. We become so focused on everything else, and not what we are commanded in the Bible. If our life were a circle, we put God on the outside, when we SHOULD put Him in the center.

You might think that you are in a great place with God, so you don't have to work as hard as you have been, but that's a lie, that you are choosing to believe. When you feel this way, you are in danger. You are following what you want to, NOT what God has commanded of you. You have also then taken your life into your own hands. At first it may seem nice, but sooner or later, when you realized that you have strayed, you may not know how to come back.

Take a look at your life right now and figure out where you are with God. If you find that you have strayed, take this chance and go back to Him.

Is Time On My Side?

I can't believe that its already April. Growing up we are all told that our young years go by faster than we think. I always looked forward to growing up and going to college, but once I hit high school I realized how fast that future was coming. The thing is, once you hit high school there is no such thing as slowing down. It's a fast pace track to graduation day. Many of my peers are counting the days until they graduate, but I still feel like there is more that I need to do here at home. I have prayed for time to slow down and give me the chance to appreciate what I have here, and what I have done for the past eighteen years.

Time, however, is not something I can control. None of us can. The Lord has our plan and He will bring us to the future. I am nervous to be out "on my own". All the training at school was for educational purposes, not the emotions that come along with that much of a transition. At some point or another the adults in our lives have felt what we feel now. It's hard to listen to them "relate" to us because the age difference seems monumental. For years now, I have also prayed that the Lord would let me get into a great college and a great career. Now I pray for guidance in choosing the right school and following what He wants for me. It would be easier to give up, but results come from work.

While I wait on His time, it seems like time here is flying by. I can't get everything into each day that I want to. I find myself disappointed at times because I want to give more time to the Lord but then I have homework and scholarship essays. My excuses are endless. We all try to justify everything that happens in our lives. I feel that I need to have a reason for not spending a ton of time with the Lord, but that isn't what He is looking for. I can't make a plan for my future if the Lord isn't the biggest part of my life. He knows what is coming in my life, and when we are overwhelmed like I am about all of this, we go to the Lord. He is the decision maker in our lives. I am interested to see what He has ready for me.

Last Team Standing.

Although it is no longer march, March Madness is still going strong. Since I'm still not going back to school, I have been watching the NCAA Championship with my mom. I never liked boys basketball until now. I am a major UCONN fan, and ever since I was little, I have been a fan of the UCONN women. They have done so well for a long time now, but the boys, well not so much. I never really watched them because it's not as exciting to watch your team lose constantly. This year, however, things have changed. The men practiced hard, and fought their way to the top. They are now headed to the top two, and then (hopefully) they will be handed the championship trophy.

This got me thinking about my relationship with the Lord. Once you become a Christian and accept Jesus as your savior, you have to work at that relationship. That is only the first step to your Walk with the Lord. Because I accepted the Lord at such a young age, I have been able to work on my Walk for a little over ten years. Just like the UCONN men, I had my losing season every now and then, but I was able to get up and climb back to the top again. Think of it this way, every team that the boys played, is like each situation that we face. Then, you either win that "game" or you "lose" it and you get back up to meet the next situation.

We also have to practice our faith. The men's team has practice for hours everyday. They have a passion for playing basketball and I have a passion for growing closer to the Lord. My practice, however, is a little different than there's. Every single day, I practice by staying in prayer every minute of the day. Then I read the Bible, and check out my different devotionals. I listen to worship music so that my head is full of the Word. Finally, my favorite is being in fellowship with other Christians. I am not saying that it is easy to practice your faith, but if you want to get to the top you have to work at it.

My mom and I tied basketball and the Lord together last night, because during the game we held hands, and prayed that the men would win. I am happy to say that the Lord answered our prayers! I find praying to be the easiest way to practice my faith. I pray for silly things, serious things, and everyTHING in between. "So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness" Colossians 2:6-7. We have been given the strength to succeed, and we are already part of the winning team!

April Fools.

Lately I have been in the presence of people that I consider "fools". I hate being with those people. They think that they have all the knowledge in the world, and brush off any wisdom from others. I know that I can be foolish, but I believe that I am open to learning about the Lord. I do not rely on my perspective of the Word as the final. There are some adults in my life as well, that believe that they have all the answers, and shoot down your ideas.

In the Bible, fools are mentioned in a few different capacities. I am speaking of Proverbs 14:33, "Wisdom rests in the hearts of him who has understanding, but what is in the heart of fools is made known." This verse is rather comforting to me because I hear those who speak everything that comes into their head, and question what I know. With adults, I never really speak what is on my heart, because I fear that I could be wrong, and they could be right. Not everyone who speaks his mind, is a fool, but those who contradict the Word of the Lord are foolish.

We were all given the freedom to think, to speak and to form an opinion, but when we make our opinions known, we need to come from a heart of the Lord. I am in constant prayer, asking for wisdom throughout my day. I do not pretend that I have all knowledge about the Lord, and His commands for us. It is known that I love to talk, but matters of the Lord, I do not speak. I am not a new Christian, but I know that I have so much more to learn. I am cautious with the advice that I offer dealing with my Christianity. I worry that I do not have enough wisdom to speak what the Lord really wants.

The verse that I stated in the beginning confirms that I am correct in how I live. I do not assume that I have all of the knowledge, therefore I consider myself "wise". The other people in my life that share every comment they have concerning faith, are fools. They look to themselves and believe that they have the answers, and that they are always right. They are not open to hear what anyone else has to say on the matter, because they think that ONLY they are right. They are wrong, because those with a heart in the right place, gain wisdom from the Lord. So which one are you? The wise man who keeps his mouth shut? Or the foolish man who speaks his opinions?

Where Do I Start?

I have been on "bed rest" for over a month now. I have missed school, basketball games, youth events, church, and so many other things. Now the doctor wants me to try something, but I don't know where to start. Do I go right back to school? Or do I go back to youth group? Despite what one out of my four doctors says, I don't feel ready. I know that I need to do something, but where should I go, when I still have trouble walking. I spend most of my time sleeping. I am beginning to overwhelm myself with thoughts and confusion.

The way I feel now, is how I picture a new Christian. Learning everything at once would be ridiculous. I was too young to remember when I became a Christian, but I see new Christians struggling to find a place to start, and no where to turn. The Bible seems impossible to read because of the length. Christians who have been around awhile need to step up, and welcome our brothers and sisters in Christ. It is not enough to just witness, we must follow through, and not let them stray. Bring that person to your place of worship, but do not let them go out on their own.

"Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good unto all people, especially those who belong to the family of believers" Galatians 6:10. It is our duty to help new fellow Christians stay on the path of life, that the Lord set. I am not expecting you, or I to bring every single person we witness to, to church, but I know that I will bring as many people as I can.

The best thing to do, is stay open so that other believers can come to you in times of trial. I try very hard to be ready to help anyone who crosses my path. Whether new believers, or "old" believers, if someone comes to you for help, or you see someone struggling, take their hand and help. This post seems rather mushy, but this subject is important. If you are the one sitting around trying to figure out where the start is fold your hands, close your eyes, and pray. The Lord will show you the start. He will guide you along your path, and pick you up when you fall. There are many ways to start, but the right way is through the Lord.

Repairing, Rebuilding.

For a few months now, one of my sisters has been acting up. I know that we all lie at some point in our lives. We are not free from sin. I have lied in past times for the silliest things, and I am sure that regrettably I will do it again. The difference between me and my sister, is that when I lie I feel so awful that I "turn myself in". My mom knows me well in that aspect. I rarely lie because I can't live with the guilt. I punish myself internally. I am not here to say that I am perfect, but lying is the one thing that I am better at controlling than other temptations that I fall for.

My sister lies all the time. She lost my trust a long time ago. Recently, however, she has gained it back. When things around the house went missing I didn't suspect her anymore. When she told me a story, I began to believe that it was true. She was getting older, and I knew that it was not my place anymore to keep living in the past, and holding it against her. Then, the other night, something went missing. We turned the house upside-down looking for this object. It was very important and had us all worried that we would never see it again. My sister came down, pretending that she found the object, and when we dug a little deeper, we found out that it was her, that took it.

I felt like I got slapped in the face. I was so proud of her for starting to tell the truth more offten. Well, I was very wrong. She had never stopped lying, I just began to believe the lies. I wanted to slap her, I wanted to tell her to get out of the house. I was so frustrated. It felt like she took my trust in her and threw it back at me. I was hurt and upset. She has started to be mean again too. When she went to her room, in anger, she began to play with my bells. I have collected those since I was in the womb. In a matter of 10 minutes after she went up there, we heard a crash and  some glass breaking. I knew the moment I heard glass shatter, what she had done. I broke down in front of my other sister. I can't walk, I can't check on anything upstairs, I just had to sit here and wait to see the damage.

I know that I am not her parent, but I feel like it sometimes. I try to help her, and I have talks with her to help her, but nothing seems to be working. My mom and I sat with her, and gave her the freedom to tell us anything. I held myself together pretty well I think. Yet still, I have to learn to be patient. She may not be going through anything but a new phase, but I cannot contain, or control her. The Lord explained love to us through the Word. Many people know 1 Corinthians 13, but most people, also see it only concerning relationships and couples. The first part of that verse popped into my head when I was talking with my sister. "Love is patient, Love is kind". Even just those two descriptions are telling us that if we really love, then we need to have patients, and that even with siblings, we need to be kind.

It is so hard to see my sister make bad choices and lie all the time, but it is not my place to get angry and punish her. I am her sister. Just writing this isn't going to change my life, but admitting it is a start. As her older sister, it is my job to check up on her, and help her on her walk with the Lord. I need to show her the love of Christ. Siblings are parts that make up families. We are all parts that make the whole, but we can't do that without the Lord being the glue that brings us together. With the Lord's help, we will be able to repair what has been changed and broken.

We Are the Body Of Christ.

The title Church is held very high in the relm of expectations. Inside the building there are supposed to be prim and proper church- goers. At most churches, that is not even close to words of description. Churches are filled with sinners. Every single person sins. A church is a place of worship, where Christians can come together in fellowship, and learn about the Lord. No one is perfect in the church, that title of perfection comes by those who have never set foot into the building. Those who are on the inside, know that every church has a family inside of it.

I love to call the members of my church, my family. The bond in a place of worship is amazing... sometimes. I cannot lie and say that we are all the perfect cookie cutter church body. I don't think any church could fit in that mold. Just like in a family, people fight. Those fights, or times of tention test the strength of that particular church family. Those who leave, will forever leave a mark in our family. I myself have been hurt many times at my church, but I have always seen everyone there as my family. When someone hurts us, we need to forgive. No matter how mad I am at my siblings, or how frustrated I get with my parents, we fix things and move forward.

I believe that God is in the church during times of struggle. Those who believe that the church has lost sight of the Lord, need to think again. The Lord never leaves, the people inside of the church change. I also believe that in a family we need to help each other, and build each other up, and let go of past wrong-doings, so that we can set the church body on fire for the Lord. We also need to remember who we are coming to worship every Sunday. We cannot let ourselves come to church, just to see our friends.

I am guilty of bringing drama to the church, but I am not alone. I had to learn that my behavior was not that of a Christian, and that I was bringing my sin to church, but never asking the Lord for forgiveness. There was a time, when I felt not welcomed, because my friends like someone else better than me. I have been able to look back on that, and see how wrong I was. I made church, like school. There was drama, gossip, bullying and harshness. I am glad that I continued to come, and that with the Lord, my past mistakes were forgiven. I am not the only one who is guilty of that. Others still drag their dirty laundry to church and use worship as the time to be angry as a fellow church member.

Not one of us is a perfect person. The church is made up of sinners, ask any church member. The little quirks and patched up wounds bring us to where we are now. My church changes constantly, but we are Gods people, and together as the Church family, we face each test that comes our way. Christians are people too. We don't enter the church and become perfect people, we bring our lives and our journeys in, and together we can usually create something great.

When Plans Change.

It is a very difficult to change plans. When you have set plans months in advance and when that date comes around, you have to cancel. I have done that a lot lately. I was supposed to go to a Christian weekend. I was so excited to try something new and be with people that are followers of Christ. I had to cancel, because just a few days before the weekend, I had to go to the hospital again. It seems that I have to cancel all of my plans for the next few months.

This pain, and the surgery have now impacted my decision for college. I have grown close with my mom, and I am having a hard time considering a far away school. I have made lists for all of my choices, and when I am awake, I try to add to them. Today, my mom called the school, and withdrew our deposit. I thought that she was calling to tell them that I wasn't coming to the weekend visit, but she told them that I have decided not to go to that school. When she got off the phone I told her that I didn't mean for her to decline that school. She immediately apologized, and said that she would call them right back and say that she made a mistake, but I almost felt a sense of relief. I have been asking God to help me with this decision, and I think that was the answer to my prayer.

This year I planned the next four years of my life. I saw myself at that school, with my friends and having fun and working hard. With all of my medical issues, I began to question my dream. I began to really consider my back up school. I realized that it was a good school. This college decision is one of the harder ones that I will make in my lifetime. While this decision is being made, I have to think about high school too. I had plans to ace senior year, and be involoved in everything for my class. I now am at home, and I'm taking two classes online, and I can go to school for a few hours every now and then, when I feel up to it.

This has been a long rigorous test of my faith. I was making this year about me, and the plan that I made. Now in the back of my mind I am hearing "not my will, but Yours be done". I realize that the plan is not mine to create. I am supposed to live by the Lords plan. So many of us get wrapped up in the world, and making plans. Our plans will get broken because its not our right to plan our lives. The Lord knows what is going to happen to us in the future, and He sets a path for us. He answers prayers, and leads us in unexpected ways.

I Can't Please Anyone.

This week was like the cherry on top of everything bad that has happened. Every time I try to get up, Satan is right there to knock me down again. This doesn't mean that I have given up on God, it means that I am still letting the world get to me. After the incident at the hospital last week, I have not been able to sort through my emotions, nor can I make any decisions on my own. Everything that built up inside of me this past month, is now coming out. I am very overwhelmed. I have four different doctors involved in my care right now, but not a single one of them will listen to me. When they do that, I question myself, and wonder what's wrong with me.

The thing is, nothing is wrong with me. I am a person that was hand crafted by the Lord. To Him, I am special, and He is always listening. The newest doctor that I saw, told me that I should be going back to school, and that I should do my homework and get reading done. He met me for half an hour and all he did was talk to me. He didn't examine me, and he didn't believe that I was allergic to the medicine in the ER, it took me having to explain what happened, and that they gave me benadryl for him to believe. I went home and cried. I look at the books that I have to read and I feel like everything is out of control.

In my heart, I know that I am not ready to go back to school, emotionally or physically. This week I am supposed to decide which college I am going to, but I can't even pick out what I want to drink without having a melt down. I am embarassed and angry with myself. Everyone wants me to get back up and head right back to where I was before, but right now, sleeping is the only thing that keeps me from having pain, because when I am asleep I don't have to know that I am in pain.

Although I am not ready, I will be forced back to school. Right now I am in prayer because I will not be able to do this on my own. The ONLY way I will get through this is if God is with me. I need to reach out to Him, and realize that He knows what I need, and He will take care of me. I know that this is all a test, and I WILL pass it, but right now I need some help to get jump started. If nothing else that I say sticks with you, remember that, ALL things are possible with God. I do forget at times, but God always puts someone in my life that reminds me.

A Gift From God.

It has always been said that children are a "gift from God". I was lucky enough to be born unto parents that truly believed that my sister and I were a gift. They had trouble getting pregnant, so when they did, I was their first miracle baby, and my sister was the second. No matter what happened, my parents made sure that my sister and I knew that we were loved.

When my sister and I got a little older, we made a family decision to get an adoption license. It took a while, but we got it and we were placed with a little girl. That is another very long story, but eventually her parent got better and was able to take her home again. For us, it was heartbreaking, but for her, she finally felt loved by her biological mother. A couple years later, we were placed with my other sister. She was ten at the time. When we first asked her if she wanted to be adopted into our family, she said of course. She was so excited to be part of the family. She did come from a loving home where her step mother took care of her. She was just one of the luckier foster kids. We adopted her almost a year and a half later.

When we talked about it as a family again, we agreed that we still had more love in our home that we would love to share. We now have 3 1/2 year old twin girls. They are just in foster care, but I fell in love with them the first time that they came to visit. I want to adopt them more than anything, but I need to let that go, and give that decision making to God. These girls at 3 1/2 went through more trauma than my now 12 year old sister ever did. They are beautiful girls, who brighten up the house. I make sure that I hug and kiss them all the time, and then I follow that up with saying "I Love You". At first, they would just smile when anyone said that, but now they are beginning to say it back.

It is hard to believe that a mother and father who can't handle kids, have them, while people who want kids more than anything don't. I believe though, that God has put these other families here, so that they will take care of God's precious children. I am very lucky and I know that. I know that I am loved, and that I am always welcomed home. God has given my family the opportunity to expand our family, and give love to children who get left behind.

Medical Update.

I have been blogging about my medical issues this past month. There have been a lot. It has been a long hard test that is driving me insane. I go through good nights and bad just like everyone else. I do sometimes ask God why He is doing this to me, only to be reminded that He is NOT doing it to me. I know that He will get me through this, but sometimes I forge. This is where my accountability partner steps in and makes me actually think about who I am placing the blame on, and where it really should be. Right now I am very very tired, and I didn't blog yesterday and I am not sure that I will tomorrow.

Yesterday my mom took me to one of the best hospitals in the state. I go there for my arthritis, and I was really looking forward to finally getting the help that I needed. I got to the emergency room at 12:30. My mom and I had eaten lunch at 12:00. We checked in and the waiting began. See the only problem with that was that we sat in the waiting room until 4:30. By then I was over heated and on the number scale, my pain was a ten. Three nurses came in to ask me all the same questions, yet none of them would give me any pain killers. Finally they gave me the IV medicine that worked well when I was in the hospital the last time, but the nurse only put half of the dose in that I always got. Of course it didn't work.

Twenty minutes later I went into X-ray, and then back to the room, where two different ortho people came and played with my knee. The women said that she needed to stick a needle into my knee and suck stuff out. She said that I would be put to sleep before it, and that made me feel better. Then, the ER nurse came in and told me that the atending said no to the sedative. She gave me an anti-anxiety medication. I received no pain killers, or numbing stuff. I felt everything that they did to my knee.

Then hallucinations began to arrive in my head. It was the worst feeling in the world. I tried to tell the nurse what was wrong but she just left me. I then began to have a seizure. Nothing was working, and the ER nurse told me that it was my fault because I was too anxious. A few minutes later, I couldn't feel my face, and then my arms and soon my legs. After a few more awful things happened, they gave me benadryl. I felt very sick all of a sudden, and I asked the nurse for medication. She said that she couldn't because it would have been too much for me, but at the other hospital I got it when I needed it. After that I threw up. I hadn't eaten in 12 hours at that point so it was not good. Then she gave me more nausea medication.

 The ortho people wanted to keep me over night, but then the ER docs put a little more of the pain killer into me and sent me home. Today was not good at all. I needed to stay at the hospital. My mom filled me with sleeping pills today so that I didn't have to be awake to feel the pain. I am so blessed to have her with me. Tomorrow I am going with my dad to the doctor. I am not looking forward to it, because through all of this I have been with my mom. Shes my mommy. I love my dad so much, but like every other kid when I am sick its mom I run to. He tries his best but hes still a dad. I am just going to have to give it to God and not let my anxiety wash over me again.

God's Gentle Reminder.

Almost a month ago I found myself in excruciating pain, laying on my bed, waiting for the doctor to call me into the ER. I hadn't been outside in over a week, and I wasn't looking forward to it. Everything seeemed to be going wrong, and I was tired of hearing everyone say that they were praying for me, when to me, it looked like God forgot about me. When I got into the car and we pulled out, I began to see flakes of snow. It made me smile for the first time since the pain started. It was then that I realized God was with me, and that He was going to get me through.

When I was little, I began to love snow. As I got older snow became the one solid thing that could always make me feel like everything would be okay. When I see the snow, I picture it being God. As snow falls, before it sticks, it is wet, and it washes away dirt. Then it proceeds to cover everything in its beauty. Making everything new and special. I think of God in that same sense. He washes away our sins, and He covers us with His love. Snow has become something that will bring me to tears, just because I see it as God sending a message to me that He will take care of things.

The snow season ended abruptly after I went into the hospital. Since then, life has gone on and the pain has gotten worse. So many things in my life are changing and I am struggling to keep going. Every single night the pain is so severe that I pray for God to just let me go. I have become frustrated with God, because so many people are praying for me, and I am pleading with the Lord to take this all away and let me heal, but it's just getting worse. Last night was one of the worst nights I have had since February. I had to talk it through with a friend because I was ready for a mental breakdown. I went deep into prayer and felt a little more at peace last night, but I was still very anxious.

Today, I woke up early because all four of my sisters were making some sort of loud noises every time I would start to fall back to sleep. My mom called all of my doctors and we got different responses. It just seems that all I ever get is bad news, and the pain was getting worse because it was raining. A little while later, when I looked out the kitchen window, there was snow coming down. God sent this snow to remind me that He is still there, and although I am in more pain than I can deal with, He will send the help that I need. Today, this snow is God's way of telling me to keep holding on, because He still holding onto me.

When your life is falling to pieces, and no one has the answers, look around, because I am positive that God is still there, and that He is sending you some sort of silly sign to remind you that He loves and you will never leave you.

Lose Control, Lose Chaos.

I have talked before, about having a mild form of obsessive compulsive disorder. I like it when things are organized. That doesn't mean that everything is perfectly clean, but that there is an order to it. My house has always been all over the place. Sometimes it's organized, and other times we are too busy running around to clean up right away. Through all of that, I always knew that when I walked into my room it would be as organized as I left it. I kept everything in the order that I loved. I will admit that when laundry was put all over my floor by my siblings, I had a tendency to kneel on the floor and cry. The worst was when I had a bad day, and I came into an unorganized bedroom. To add control to the chaos in my head, I would clean like crazy, but now I am stuck in bed on the first floor of my home.

Last week, my sister had to move into my room. I was upset that this was happening, but we came to the aggreement that she wouldn't change anything until I was well enough to get upstairs. Well with help the other day, I went up the stairs to clean up, and after I was done, I peered down the hall into my room. I immeadiatly panicked. I hopped down the hall into my room, to find everything out of place. My neatly organized book shelves and vanity, we in shambles. My sisters belongings were everywhere. There was not one place in the room that was mine anymore. There were hooks stuck in the wall, and clothes thrown across my "faith" sign. About a year ago, I began to change everything in my room from secular posters, to Bible verses in frames, and matching decorations. I had candles and sofistocated pictures. I was moving my room from a pre-teen room, to a young Christian woman's room. All of the work was destroyed. When I tried to relay that frustration to my parents, I got a reaction of unhappiness. They scolded me for not understanding my sisters "situation".

Well, first of all, I should say, that they read this blog, and to them, I also say, that although I was extremely hurt that they didn't understand, I also was given some wisdom on my relationship with the Lord. My biggest issue was that my one place where I had total control, and my place to be with the Lord and figure things out, was taken over by the person that I sometimes need to get away from. I do not have a place of my own anymore. I understand that its whats best for the family, but I was hurt by this loss of control. See, the Lord tells us that we need to lean not on ourselves, and give everything to Him. I need to lose that control, because it is not mine to have in the first place.

It is one of the hardest things that I fight myself on every single day. I give control of my mind to the Lord, but I still hold onto my secular material objects. I think that sometimes I don't want to let go of some of the things that I think I have full control over. The fact of the matter is that in the end our methods of control, are sin. The control that the Lord has on our lives, is amazing. If we give Him everything, and lean on Him, He will see us through.

Like A Good Neighbor God's Always There.

I was watching television today, and there was a state farm commercial on. I love their new commercials, they are so funny. Different people find themselves in different situations, and one friend sings the State Farm jingle, and their agent appears. Then the other friend sings it and makes something appear with the agent. I'm sure I heard this idea somewhere, but as I was watching, I thought of God. He is ALWAYS there.

In my life I have tried to hide from God. It sounds silly right now, because I know that God sees everything in my life. When I feel like I am falling apart, and awful things are happening in my life, I would turn to God and blame Him for everything. I tried to make myself believe that He wasn't there, and that He wasn't listening to me. It was easier to believe that, than to admit that I was just not calling on Him. I think that I was trying to push out the one solid thing in my life. With God, you can never really fall apart because He won't let you.

We play the blame game and the anger card. There is so much making us feel chaotic, that we want to pick a central area to place all of that anger and all of that blame. When we finally bury ourselves deep enough, we won't find rock bottom. We will find ourselves faced with a choice, give up and the Lord will hold you from falling, or reach out and accept the God's outstretched arm. No matter where you are, or what you've done, when you call on the name of our Lord, He will be there.

So God holds true to the state farm jingle. He is always there. However, in the commercial the clients sing the jingle to get their agents to appear, but with God, you don't have to speak a word, and He is there. It is a gift, and a promise that was made to us. In the second half of Matthew 28:20 the Lord said, "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

God Sees What's Going On.

We all get into a position where we have sinned, but we do not want to talk about that sin. We feel either feel guilty or we are embarrassed to think that anyone would find out.We are so quick to point out other's mistakes, but when someone points out ours we try to hide. It is a fact written in the Bible, that we have sinned. We are all sinners, but someone else has already paid for our sins. "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life" John 3:16. That verse is so commonly known and it becomes routine. It is so much more than that though. When we sin, we are embarrassed and we feel guilt but we get to live. Jesus died FOR our sins so that we had the chance to live our eternal life.

I will be the first to admit that every single day I have sin. Now, when I am caught in the sin, I am not going to admit it as freely as I do now. Think about children, when they get caught taking a cookie, they try and hide the cookie, and pretend like they haven't done anything wrong, even though Mommy sees that cookie. It's obvious that Mom that the child took something, but they try and let the kid admit that they have done wrong. We try to ignore our sin, and pretend that God doesn't see it, but He does, and He is waiting for us to admit that we are wrong.

We try to make excuses and find ways to get out of trouble. God can see everything that we do even when we think that we are alone. He hears every thought that we have. The only way to make yourself right with God is to confess to Him our sin and ask to be forgiven. I was reminded of that this week during Bible study. We try to justify in our minds, the sin that we have committed. Hiding sin will put a block in our Christian walk.

This next week, make it an effort to admit your sin and find forgivness from the Lord. It won't be an easy task but it is an important one.

We must first confess that we have done something wrong, and then we can ask for forgiveness from the Lord.

Where Is Your Heart.

When we are young, and I guess even some when they are old, are taught to ask Jesus into our hearts. He lives in our hearts. Not in the literal worldly definition, but in the spiritual definition. Those of us who were young when we accepted Jesus into our hearts forever, were not quite old enough to understand that your heart plays an even bigger part in our faith. Anyone can sit at a computer and write a blog of testimonies, or become a Sunday School teacher, or be in a leadership roll at the Church, but we are wrong, if we are involved in all of these things, and our hearts are not in the right place.

We become hypocrites, when we preach of living our lives for Christ, even though in our hearts, we are not fully devoted to Him. I am always reminded of the movie, "Left Behind". Ministry heads, especially Pastors and Reverends are held to a higher standard than your average worshiper. Although in God's eyes we are all equal, here in this world, we expect more of them. We trust that they know the Word, and that they are leading us in our walks. This doesn't really seem fair, when we all are supposed to live our lives showing the love of God, but that how it is. In the movie, you are brought into a church, where the pastor is standing at the pulpit crying out to the Lord, asking Him, why he was left behind. Later in the movie, he realizes that he was just speaking the words, and his heart wasn't in it. You could say that he wasn't practicing what he preached.

Prayer cannot just be words that you speak out of routine. You cannot fully accept the love of Christ if you live with more doubt than faith. Even the worldly definition of the word faith says "complete trust". The Lord has provided us with His Word so that if we have the slightest amount of doubt in our hearts, we can read what He has to say. Next time you open your mouth to pray, first think about where your heart really is. Are you about to divote the next few seconds/minutes/hours to the Lord completely. Or is your mind wondering and taking your heart along with it.

At my house, when we were little we were taught different prayers. As little kids we couldn't remember in depth prayers, so we learned the simple ones for things like the blessing's for meals. Some Christians change that prayer as they grow older and are able to form their own prayers that come from their hearts. My sister, however, insist on praying the EXACT same prayer for every meal. Sometimes they rush through it so that we can eat. Those prayers have become impersonal, and I know that when I pray them, I don't put my heart into it, and its so routine that I don't really need to think about it.

I challenge you to stop before you open your Bible, or begin praying. Figure out where your heart is. Are you ready to listen and accept anything that the Lord could be about to tell you? or is this another fluff prayer that you have said so many times its tattooed to your eyelids. Jesus is in our hearts, we have accepted Him in. It's time to take another look and stop rushing through everything because we are too "busy" to slow down. This is a matter of heart and head. Don't make this about your chaotic life, and no time to do anything. God created us, we wouldn't be here without Him, so we need to make time. Clear your head and open your heart fully.

When Does It Stop Lord?

After being in the hospital for a week, and having a second surgery, things were looking up. I went to the doctor last week, and things looked pretty good. I started physical therapy the other day, and it hurt but it went well. Today I praised God because I was able to climb out of the car all by myself, and climb onto my bed. I was very excited to see the first signs of progress. A good friend of mine came over tonight and things were going well. I was able to interact without sleeping and for all of today I really hadn't taken my heavy pain killers. I thought that my testimony found its happy ending..... but oh, how wrong I was.

The Lord must have more in store for me. Today I got my stitches out after them being in for two weeks. Everything looked kind of messy and bruised but for the most part alright. We also were watching a three month old baby for the day. God answered a pray for me there. I was able to hold her, and rock her. I felt like someone needed my help! It was an amazing feeling to have after all of this. I talked to an old friend today, and worked on yearbook. I felt that God was helping me get everything back on track.

Then when my sister got home from school she wanted to see my knee, and I figured that it was harmless with the new brace. When I pulled back the ace wrap, there was a lot of blood, and it was different colors and the hole was huge. I am repulsed by it still. My mom put a large bandaid over it, and when we went to change it, it was right over my other partially healed hole, and it pulled some glue off of the end of the large incision. Sometimes I feel like I just can't win. I am in a lot of pain right now and I want to curl up and cry. I have prayed, I have gone to doctors, but my body won't cooperate.

I found a verse that the Lord definitely led me to. "When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days, you will return to the Lord your God and obey Him." Deuteronomy 4:30. If I am in a large amount of pain, and forget to turn to the Lord like we all have done, He doesn't leave, He waits for you to turn back to Him. It was a comfort to me as I received more bad news. Tomorrow is a new day and a new chance to fix my knee. I have to keep going because God will get me through this new patch in the storm.

Listen To Me.

Lately I feel like no one is listening to me. I don't know if they haven't listened to me from the start or if this is just because I'm stuck in bed all the time. I told the doctor that something was wrong way before my emergency room visit, and he ignored me and made me wait, and now look at me. Then I told my sister not to date a boy that asked her out because he wasn't right for her, and she went along and told him they were dating, mom found out and my sister had to break his heart. If she had listened that poor boy would be fine right now. Any leadership position that I held before I had surgery, is now a joke. No one (I'm exaggerating) is listening and it's frustrating. I'm sure that at one point you have felt this way, ignored and disrespected.

When I was thinking about how upset I was over this, I realized that God tells me what I am supposed to do, all the time, and I don't always listen. Think about it in your life. You wanted to go to that certain place, but inside you knew something was wrong. You knew that your wants were not those of a follower of Christ. If you're like me, you end up in awful situations that could have been avoided if you had listened to God. When people don't listen to me, I get angry, and I don't want to give them another chance when they come to me for help. They ignore me once and I try to rid myself of them. When the anger subsides I realize that I'm wrong, usually.

We are very blessed that the Lord does not turn away from us when we ignore Him. He waits for you to turn around and reach out to Him for help. He has a plan for every single one of us already, but at times we try to take that into our own hands and do what we want. Everything that God is telling us is keeping us on our path. When we hurt, the Lord hurts. He is not there to make sure that you never get to do what you want. He is guiding you.

I know that I will continue to listen to myself and ignore His commands, but I hope that if I think about it, I will remember how it feels when I am ignored. You cant too. Next time you feel the Lord calling, do what He wants you to do. You may find that the outcome is one you actually enjoy. Our God is amazing! No matter how many people ignore you, the Lord is ALWAYS listening to you. If you take nothing else but that from this post, then you will be alright.

Living With Regrets.

Many people walk around regretting past events, or broken relationships. It leaves you always living in the what if land. What if you hadn't said that to that person, what if you made more of an effort. You get pulled down by everything that you can't control anymore. When something bad happens to us, we need time to heal, and bring ourselves together to move on. You cannot dwell over what has already happened, you look toward the future, and what is in front of you right now. God is always working in your life. When you make a mistake, give it to God and He will use that in your life.

The one thing I truely understand is that God will always be there. Even though I only see rain now, eventually the storm will clear and I will find the rainbow. Sometimes you feel God telling you not to say that one thing you want to say, or do something not pleasing to Him, but you do it anyway. Typically when I follow what I want and not what God wants, I find myself backed up against a wall, but no matter how badly I have messed up God is there with an outstretched arm waiting for me.

I have this, lets call it a problem. In my heart I always feel the need to explain everything I feel. Sometimes when I pour my heart out, the person who is listening sees me in a new light, or they see something in my life that gives them hope in their lives. Then there are times like right now, where I explain what I am feeling, or let someone know the truth, they run. I know that I can be blunt and I sound angry and mean, but in my head, I just want them to see what I see. In that case, I am left hurt and angry with myself for speaking when I should have remained silent.

God is watching all of this happen in my life and most of it is part of His plan for my life. When I fall off the path He holds out His hand to help me back on. I use that analogy often because that is how I picture what He does for me when I make mistakes. I give it all to the Lord and He takes a bad situation in my life, and turns it into something good. Sometimes my mistakes become a testimony for those finding themselves in the same situation. Other times it is a reminder to me that God is always there no matter what.

So when you are stuck with a dark cloud over your head, search for the light and cling to it. Do not regret anything, because everything that has happened to you, led up to who you are today. They say that "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger", and in a way they are true, with God you are made stronger even when you think that you are too weak. I do not regret what has happened to me, sometimes I wish maybe I listened to the Lord in the first place, but the fact of the matter is, I didn't. Let go of regrets, and give them to God. Look at your past and see where God has changed bad into good. God gave you life, so don't live regretting what you can't change.

When Disaster Strikes, Turn to God.

While most of us were sleeping last night, Japan was struck by multiple disasters. When I woke up I watched the news, and saw so much devastation from an earthquake in Japan. Throughout the day, there were news updates. At one point there was a state of emergency for the outer parts of California, Oregon and Washington. Everyone was told to move inward, and get away from the shoreline. Reporters got interviews from crying women as they tried to hurry and gather together what they could, and leave. While the United States waited for the Tsunami to strike, Japan was trying to clean up the mess that was left from both the earthquake and the tsunami.

This is another catastrophic event happening in this world. The television screnes are filled with trees torn from their roots and laying on top of homes that were being carried away by water. The death tole is still increasing. There is fear, and helplessness. When a natural disaster strikes we cannot send over our troops to fix it. God's beautiful creation's are destroying homes and taking lives.

Some people look at this, and ask the Lord why He is letting everything they own, be destroyed. It is hard to praise the Lord when your world is falling apart. It is a scary time, that I myself cannot imagine. It gets scarier when you shut God out and blame everything on Him. It is easy to blame Him, these are, after all, His creations, but we need to turn to God in times of crisis. It is dificult to see when there is so much destruction in front of you, but when everything is falling apart, God is there, steady as a rock. He will use every situation and make something good come out of it. It may not happen in the time span that we want, but it will happen.

Even if you weren't affected by this, we as Christians feel led to lend a hand somehow. When all those affected are in the middle of this, they may forget to pray. The easiest way that we can help them is through our prayers. The Lord is listening. We may have more strength than them right now, therefore we lift them up. Very soon they are going to need physical help too. I challenge you to pray, and listen to the Lord, and if He is telling you to go over there and help, then go.

Everything is dark and scary right now, but God will get everyone through this. Eventually together the destroyed country of Japan, and the destruction over here, will be fixed. In order to get there, we need to at least take a step forward, and pray. Nothing is impossible with God. Fixing this mess is not impossible, it will just take time.

The Answer is in The Word.

Yesterday , someone posted this quote as their status. The person is someone that I respect. She is an amazing Christian women. Other Christian role models of mine, "liked" that status, so I read it. It made me uncomfortable and I disagreed with it. I wanted to ask where that came from, but I felt that it was rude to question the opinion of an adult. She posted the man's name who said the quote, and I went to Google and searched his name. When I did that a website called "The Way of the Master" came up. Along with that title, it said that it was run by Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron. I absolutely love Kirk Cameron and have always thought highly of him as a Christian.

After reading more into the site, there was more that I disagreed with. They were talking about evangelism, and how we need to get out there and share the name of the Lord with everyone, but the way they said to do it was against what I have learned. I wanted to get the opinion of other Christian adults but I felt like that was also rude.

The quote was, "Many Christians will not witness unless they sense the Spirit of God prompting them to speak to a particular person. I'm not that spiritual. I share my faith whenever and wherever possible. As far as I'm concerned, the starting gun went off 2,000 years ago with a loud, "Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature"... (Mark 16:15). My conscience continually prompts me to speak" - Ray Comfort.

I have been taught that in everything we do, we go to the Lord and allow Him to speak through us. This quote, and the  website stress that we need to just let our conscious share the message that we already know. I agree that it is good to share your faith whenever and wherever you can, but you need to make sure that the spirit is in you and with you as you do so. If we just let our conscience prompt us to tell the message that we repeatedly say, to everyone, eventually it will become a routine. Like putting on socks, it will become just another random part of your day. 

I believe that you need to go to the Lord before you approach someone to share the gospel. If we do not allow the Lord to speak through us, what we end up saying will have pieces of the world in it. I was talking to one of my college friends last night about this, and she reminded me also that our actions can speak just as loud as our words. She told me that we do not always have to speak the message of God, but that we can show God's love through our interations with non-believers. 

 She also sent me into 1 Corinthians 13:3 which says, "If I give all I possess to the poor, and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing". It is not about how many people we speak the message too. We must have love, and the Lord needs to be with us. I respect the opinions of the Christian adults in my life, but this time I felt that what they were saying, was not supported by the Word. If you ever have a doubt and feel that you cannot go to a reliable Christian adult, then you do not have to give up and never get an answer, God has given us the answers in His Word. 

New Beginnings.

There are times in our lives when the Lord is calling for us to change. Sometimes the changes are small, and others are life altering. To me a new beginning is like spring cleaning in your life. You tell the people you love, that you love them, because sometimes although you think you are showing it, you aren't. Its also when you see broken relationships that still hold anger, and you fix it. You do not have to keep that person in your life, but forgiveness is part of this new beginning.

During this time you may lose relationships that you thought were standing firm. It is going to make you want to run the other way, but you need to remember God's plan. Everything that I am telling you, I am also telling myself. These are all the things I see in my life that need to change in order for me to grow with the Lord. We need to make sure that through all these changes, no matter what we are being God centered people. It can no longer be about what we feel, and what we want. Its got to be about God.

Today I feel like although my pain is still very much there, God is working in my life and showing me what He wants from me. Today I spent a few hours repairing one of those broken relationships. Through this I have realzied that as we change our mindset from a childish one to a mature one, we will see old matters in a different light. Once you finally give everything to God He will fix it an heal. I see God's work, and I know that with these changes, I am becoming a mature follower of Christ. My heart is devoted to the Lord.

Although I face many more trials and more changes, I will do it with a God centered heart. It doesn't happen overnight, but if you hear the Lord calling, do not turn away. Listening and following the Lord will change your life, for the better!

Struggling to Get Through.

It has been almost two weeks since my last post. In these two weeks my world was turned upside-down and my faith was tested harder than ever before. I have always been fighting the mental spiritual warfare. I have overcome so many tests of the mind. I am very strong there, but I forgot that I could be tested physically as well. These past two weeks left me feeling very lonely, not cared about, and too weak to get over this.

I told you that I had surgery, and that the pain was preventing me from posting, but everything after that is new to you. The Wednesday after my surgery I went to the doctor and that's when I had the seizure. The repercussions of that seizure were worse than I could have imagined. It sparked my fibromyalgia. The severity of the pain sent me to the emergency room twice, and then the doctor called us in and performed a second surgery. He found a blood clot growing under my knee cap. He removed it, but the excruciating pain had already consumed my body. I was admitted into the hospital where I would stay for six days, on heavy IV pain killers. I took codeine, vicodine and morphine (not all at once).

It was by far the scariest thing in my life. The fear in me was heightened by the fact that I stopped praying. I began relying solely on the doctors to take my pain away. I was doubting God. There were so many people praying for me, with me and over me. They continued to tell me that it would get better soon, and that they were praying. I had only asked a few people to pray, but we Christians tend to pray in groups of 100 give or take. I felt guilty for taking their time. I felt like I was weak and everyone else had to pick up my slack. I was also kind of angry because I did not want to be poor pathetic me. I didn't want pity. I just wanted God to fix me. I didn't understand why God was letting me be in that much pain.

When Thursday came around, my surgeon told me that I was cleared to leave from a surgical standpoint, but not by a pain standpoint. He called the pain team in. At that point I was taking Morphine every three hours. I don't know when I realized that I hadn't been praying, but I know that when my mom was holding my hand and praying over me, that it was time to turn everything to God. I wasn't really sure how to do that, so I just prayed and told Him exactly what was on my heart.

Friday into Saturday was the first night I slept through without IV medication. The pain team had found the right mix of drugs to enable me to get off the IV and be sent home. I am now starting my recovery process, but this time for real. With everything going on, I lost a lot of muscle tension in my leg, so I cannot walk or get out of bed without help, but the pain has already moved from a 10 to a 6. I have overcome a great deal, and although this journey is not finished, things have begun to brighten up.

Yesterday someone sent me a message and it was three verses that they wanted me to look up. I believe that God was speaking through this person, because the verses were what I have been searching for, ever since this all started. I wanted to find comfort in the words of the Lord, but when I was looking, my heart wasn't in the right place. The verses that meant the most to me, were David's plea to the Lord for help. "O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy. in Your faithfulness, and righteousness, come to my relief!" Psalm 143: 1. Through this, I know that David was healed by the Lord, and I will be healed too.

I myself am weak, but the Lord gives me strength. It is dark, lonely and scary when you shut the Lord out. I thought that I was calling on Him, and He just wasn't listening to me, but really, He reached out His hand, and I hadn't taken it yet. Someday when I am better, I will look back at this time, and know that it has made me stronger in faith. We all are going to face times that seem never ending, and always progressively worse. God will always be there to catch you when you feel like you want to give up. It will take a lot out of you and bring you to places you never imagined being, but you will be strengthened through the Lord. All you have to do is call on His name. He will ALWAYS be there even when we forget about Him, He has and will NEVER forget about us.

Break.

For the next few days, I will be taking a break from blogging. This blog is supposed to be my messages of God working in my life, but my heart needs to be in the right place for it. Right now the pain is stopping me from receiving a message that I would like to share with you. Right now, I need to spend time with God focusing on getting better. My story will continue when I am stronger.

Even the Stong Fall Apart Sometimes.

This post is not about a testimony, it's not about me wanting pity, it is me hopefully put this message out there in hopes that if someone feels the way that I feel now, they can know that I am here to be what they need. The prayers that I have received are more than I deserve, but this whole situation, has shown me where everyone's hearts really are.

I am a strong person. It is not my strength, however. It is the Lord. He works through me every single day. When people come to me for advice, I always have something to give them because I go to the Lord and let Him speak through me. I am the first one to offer help, not because I want points of good behavior, but because I want to make other people happy. I never seem to have answers for my own questions, but usually once I ask about five adults I get one answer that fits. I try not to be a bother to people because I know that I always have the Lord. Lately I have been recieving blame for many things. None of which I was remotly involved in. I just let it go, and gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. It really didn't bother me, that my "friends" haven't really talked to me lately. Until now. I was finally forced to let go. I lost control, and I ran out of strength. I am scared. It is the plain truth.

I am medically not okay right now, and today I took two steps back in my recovery. When I finally grasped enough strength to ask for help from people that were around me, all anyone could or would do was apologize. I'm sure that this is a test of my faith and I know that God won't give me more than I can handle, but today, I do not want to try. I want someone else to catch me. My mom was there for me today ready to help me, but she and I are the same size and I would never want to hurt her, so I don't feel comfortable relying only on her. That man today, represented what God is to me. When I had no control over anything, I was scared out of my mind, and I thought that there was no one around to help, he was there. It's symbolic of what God is for us. God sent me that man today, to help me. Although I am in pain, that is one thing that I was protected from.

You may be critical of this post, and I respect that, but I felt the need to share how I feel right now. I need prayer, and I am not afraid to admit it. Sometimes even the strongest of us need someone to take us by the hand and lead us through to better days.

It Can't Be About Me.

I guess, for a while now I really have not practiced what I preach. I know the right words to say when others come to me for help, and I know that what I am telling them is directly from the Lord, but the truth is while I was telling them, I wasn't listening. After an eventful day yesterday, I spent hours in prayer. I couldn't sleep because my heart was heavy. Yesterday someone said something to me, that was everyhting I had been telling them. I felt hurt, and like everything I tried to make better, was thrown in my face. I asked the Lord last night to give me answers on where to go from here. I think that I finally figured out where this downward spiral took off. It was the day that I stopped making everything about the Lord, and started making it about myself.

My long drawn out pitty party needs to end. I am hurting the people around me, and that is why I am losing them. It has nothing to do with God hating me or trying to leave me all alone. It has to do with me not centering my life around God. The "why me" questions are wrong. I know that I am not the only one who is facing this problem right now. I go to public school, and I am involved in the media. I see the self centered world that we live in. I promised that I would never get caught up in it, but when it's offering you immediate satisfaction and you don't think that the Lord is listening, it's just "easier" to follow the world. My "me" centered attitude needs to change.

Part of centering life on the Lord, is giving everything in your life to Him. I tell everyone to do that all the time. It sounds like an easy thing, but I struggle with it. I give almost everything to Him. I hang onto small pieces of my life because I want control. I am scared to lose all control and leave it to the Lord. I know that He will do good in my life, and that my need for control is driving people away from me, but that fear doesn't just leave. I am playing the "what if" game. The only "what if" I need to focus on today is, "What If.... I gave every part of my life to the Lord?". He gave us an answer to that "what if".

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5-6. It does not say trust in the Lord with SOME of your heart, it says ALL. It does not say go ahead and lean on YOUR understanding, it says to lean on the Lord. He has the answers for everything. It also does not say that He is going to throw you into the world alone after you give Him control. It says that He WILL make our paths straight. We have been promised these things by our father and our creator.

I believe that what was said to me yesterday, was not my friend trying to hurt me, but the Lord speaking through someone I care about so that I would finally listen to Him telling me to let go. It won't happen over night, but the Lord has given me yet another chance, and I need to take it. I need to give up control of everything and hand it to the Lord, He is ready to take it from me and heal me but I need to give it all up to Him. Can you do it?