Struggling to Get Through.

It has been almost two weeks since my last post. In these two weeks my world was turned upside-down and my faith was tested harder than ever before. I have always been fighting the mental spiritual warfare. I have overcome so many tests of the mind. I am very strong there, but I forgot that I could be tested physically as well. These past two weeks left me feeling very lonely, not cared about, and too weak to get over this.

I told you that I had surgery, and that the pain was preventing me from posting, but everything after that is new to you. The Wednesday after my surgery I went to the doctor and that's when I had the seizure. The repercussions of that seizure were worse than I could have imagined. It sparked my fibromyalgia. The severity of the pain sent me to the emergency room twice, and then the doctor called us in and performed a second surgery. He found a blood clot growing under my knee cap. He removed it, but the excruciating pain had already consumed my body. I was admitted into the hospital where I would stay for six days, on heavy IV pain killers. I took codeine, vicodine and morphine (not all at once).

It was by far the scariest thing in my life. The fear in me was heightened by the fact that I stopped praying. I began relying solely on the doctors to take my pain away. I was doubting God. There were so many people praying for me, with me and over me. They continued to tell me that it would get better soon, and that they were praying. I had only asked a few people to pray, but we Christians tend to pray in groups of 100 give or take. I felt guilty for taking their time. I felt like I was weak and everyone else had to pick up my slack. I was also kind of angry because I did not want to be poor pathetic me. I didn't want pity. I just wanted God to fix me. I didn't understand why God was letting me be in that much pain.

When Thursday came around, my surgeon told me that I was cleared to leave from a surgical standpoint, but not by a pain standpoint. He called the pain team in. At that point I was taking Morphine every three hours. I don't know when I realized that I hadn't been praying, but I know that when my mom was holding my hand and praying over me, that it was time to turn everything to God. I wasn't really sure how to do that, so I just prayed and told Him exactly what was on my heart.

Friday into Saturday was the first night I slept through without IV medication. The pain team had found the right mix of drugs to enable me to get off the IV and be sent home. I am now starting my recovery process, but this time for real. With everything going on, I lost a lot of muscle tension in my leg, so I cannot walk or get out of bed without help, but the pain has already moved from a 10 to a 6. I have overcome a great deal, and although this journey is not finished, things have begun to brighten up.

Yesterday someone sent me a message and it was three verses that they wanted me to look up. I believe that God was speaking through this person, because the verses were what I have been searching for, ever since this all started. I wanted to find comfort in the words of the Lord, but when I was looking, my heart wasn't in the right place. The verses that meant the most to me, were David's plea to the Lord for help. "O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy. in Your faithfulness, and righteousness, come to my relief!" Psalm 143: 1. Through this, I know that David was healed by the Lord, and I will be healed too.

I myself am weak, but the Lord gives me strength. It is dark, lonely and scary when you shut the Lord out. I thought that I was calling on Him, and He just wasn't listening to me, but really, He reached out His hand, and I hadn't taken it yet. Someday when I am better, I will look back at this time, and know that it has made me stronger in faith. We all are going to face times that seem never ending, and always progressively worse. God will always be there to catch you when you feel like you want to give up. It will take a lot out of you and bring you to places you never imagined being, but you will be strengthened through the Lord. All you have to do is call on His name. He will ALWAYS be there even when we forget about Him, He has and will NEVER forget about us.