Lose Control, Lose Chaos.

I have talked before, about having a mild form of obsessive compulsive disorder. I like it when things are organized. That doesn't mean that everything is perfectly clean, but that there is an order to it. My house has always been all over the place. Sometimes it's organized, and other times we are too busy running around to clean up right away. Through all of that, I always knew that when I walked into my room it would be as organized as I left it. I kept everything in the order that I loved. I will admit that when laundry was put all over my floor by my siblings, I had a tendency to kneel on the floor and cry. The worst was when I had a bad day, and I came into an unorganized bedroom. To add control to the chaos in my head, I would clean like crazy, but now I am stuck in bed on the first floor of my home.

Last week, my sister had to move into my room. I was upset that this was happening, but we came to the aggreement that she wouldn't change anything until I was well enough to get upstairs. Well with help the other day, I went up the stairs to clean up, and after I was done, I peered down the hall into my room. I immeadiatly panicked. I hopped down the hall into my room, to find everything out of place. My neatly organized book shelves and vanity, we in shambles. My sisters belongings were everywhere. There was not one place in the room that was mine anymore. There were hooks stuck in the wall, and clothes thrown across my "faith" sign. About a year ago, I began to change everything in my room from secular posters, to Bible verses in frames, and matching decorations. I had candles and sofistocated pictures. I was moving my room from a pre-teen room, to a young Christian woman's room. All of the work was destroyed. When I tried to relay that frustration to my parents, I got a reaction of unhappiness. They scolded me for not understanding my sisters "situation".

Well, first of all, I should say, that they read this blog, and to them, I also say, that although I was extremely hurt that they didn't understand, I also was given some wisdom on my relationship with the Lord. My biggest issue was that my one place where I had total control, and my place to be with the Lord and figure things out, was taken over by the person that I sometimes need to get away from. I do not have a place of my own anymore. I understand that its whats best for the family, but I was hurt by this loss of control. See, the Lord tells us that we need to lean not on ourselves, and give everything to Him. I need to lose that control, because it is not mine to have in the first place.

It is one of the hardest things that I fight myself on every single day. I give control of my mind to the Lord, but I still hold onto my secular material objects. I think that sometimes I don't want to let go of some of the things that I think I have full control over. The fact of the matter is that in the end our methods of control, are sin. The control that the Lord has on our lives, is amazing. If we give Him everything, and lean on Him, He will see us through.