Trust

For a very long time I have had a problem where when things in my life settle down and I finally feel "safe" I find some way out of that safety. The reason I do this is because I subconsciously and consciously am trying to prevent something else in my life from taking that safe feeling away from me. I figure that if I take the safe feeling away from myself it won't hurt as much as it would if I waited it out. It is not that I want to hurt others, in fact I never realized that by separating myself from those that I am close to, I am hurting them. It is so complicated, and it is hard for me to share this because it is a flaw that I have, that I hate about myself. For a long time I didn't even realize what I was doing. It took one of my accountability partners sitting down with me and discussing what I had been doing.

I do not know why all of this flooded my mind last night but it did and I felt compelled to share it with others. I am the one who looks toward the future and I act on my fear of loss before I even give God the chance to work it out for me. Its kind of like I have my game face on all of the time because I do not want anyone to think that I have to rely on them to make it through this life. Sometimes I joke with my friends about having an attachment disorder like my siblings. I am afraid that if things are going well I am going to wake up one morning and it's all going to be gone. I have found out recently that I am not the only one that has these feelings or reactions. I was doing it without even realizing it but God gave me clarity through a friend.

Along with not wanting others to let me down, I never want to let anyone else down. This is another reason that I cut ties with people and take off. I am afraid that when things get hard, and when they get to a personal level with me, that I am going to do something that will let them down. I feel like if they learn about everything negative in my life they are going to be disappointed in me and lose respect or trust for me. I worry about the opinions of others and then I wonder if can disappoint people then what is stopping me from being a disappointment in the Lord's eyes. This has taken time and work but God has brought healing and teaching into my life about all of this. 

I have been working on letting God take care of my life and the people that He wants in it but I regress sometimes and try to take things into my own hand. It also has to do with trust. I do not give away trust very easily, people have to earn it from me and then I want them to be able to trust me. In the past, time and time again I began trusting just in time for the other person to make an exit out of my life. What I have forgotten is that we are all sinners and in the end it is hard to trust one another because we are going to let each other down but there is one person that I can put my trust in. That person is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

We are not called to put our trust in man kind. We are told to put out faith in God and God alone. 
" In you our fathers put their trust; they trusted and you delivered them. 5 They cried to you and were saved; in you they trusted and were not disappointed" Psalm 22:4-5

Remember this, we are never a disappointment to the Lord. We sin and we bring sorrow to the Lord but He does not look down on us and see us as disappointments. If you are anything like me I challenge you to stick around and see what the Lord will play out in each relationship that you have. He puts people in our lives for a reason and its time that I wait to see what His reasoning is before I drop everything and run. Maybe, if I do that I will find that it is okay to trust people, and that it is okay to disappoint them sometimes but we will deal with it. I don't want to miss anymore opportunities than I already have with people in my life. I am committing today, to work on friendships and other relationships because God put people in my life for me and I need to be grateful and realize that God doesn't want me giving up. As for me, my trust is in the Lord, and the Lord alone because He is the one that will make this all work for the good.