Emptiness

People have said that I knew this loss was coming, but what am I supposed to say back to them. Then others offer the "it will get better" cliche. If you have ever been the person that suffered the loss, you know that those comments do not offer any support, or any comfort. We strive to find someone that will say something to make you feel better.  I did not write a post on Friday because I didn't even have the words to speak, let alone to give a testimony. I had no words of wisdom because I was waiting for someone to tell me what I am supposed to do now. I was waiting for someone to tell me where to go from here.

Some of my really good friends drove to come see me this weekend to check in on me and my family. I could barely tell them how I felt because I knew that the moment I divulged my pain, I would cry again. I am no use to anyone in a state of distress, and regardless I still had a job to get done. Life is moving on around me when all I want is to stop for one moment and let me take a breath. It is hard for others to understand how to help you when you have lost someone you love. I need others to understand that although there was no death in this situation, there was a great loss. Right now I feel like that is harder than those that I have lost to death. 

You see, my sister has moved into a new family. I know that they will love her just as my family has but she will grow up differently than she would have in my family. It's hard to raise a baby for a year and not plan a future for them. This impending move out has come around about four times since summer, but each time it came around I prayed my heart out and God came through for me every single time. He blessed me with more time than I deserved with this child. This last time I again prayed with all of my strength, but when it came around this time, my blessings seemed to end. I clung to the hope that God would come through for me one more time, but that hope slipped through my hands as I watched the car pull away.

I wanted to be angry with the family who has the baby but they have done nothing wrong. They are her family now, and we are called to love everyone no matter what. I want someone to blame for all of this because I don't want to blame myself. I am not going to pretend like I am okay with all of this just because it was obviously God's will because I am still coming to terms with that fact. I had dealt with loss in the past but this loss is so close to the heart. I have been is this state of emptiness for three days now, and I didn't know how to get out. I can't focus on anything and I am losing sight of the path that I am walking on.

I found this in scripture and it made me pause for a second.
"Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth You will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once more."  Psalm 71- 20-21

I feel like I am not living right now, and I am consumed with grief, but what I do not feel now, is anger toward God. He is not to blame for any of this and I have known that all along but sometimes it's nice to be reminded that He is on our side. My pain is not going to be healed right away and it is going to take some time but I know that God has comforted me every other time that I have needed comfort and He won't give up on me no matter how much hurt I feel. I have to trust in Him, and trust in His plan because it is far greater than my plan. I can do nothing else right now but place my trust in Him.