Oh the Snow

You are probably tired of me talking about snow but snow is my happiness. The reason that I did not write yesterday was because I took time to spend with my family and my extended family.

I have been all over the place for this past week. I slacked on my duty as a friend to many, I had no patience with family and I spent more time sleeping than in the Word. I was frustrated with myself for not being happy on the day that our Savior was born. I love Christmas, in fact I live for Christmas. It makes me happy and it brings me closer to God. The days leading up to Christmas were busy and left no time for the enjoyment. I was working hard and not getting anything out of it. I was trying to make this holiday magical for everyone else, the way it usually is for me. However, this year was harder than I ever imagined. I thought that for one day I could push aside my hurt and my loss but I couldn't. Everywhere I turned was something that reminded me of what I once had.

Nothing could touch me and take the numbness away so I figured why bother trying to talk to them about how I feel. I have prayed and prayed and some others have shared that they prayed for me as well. It was hard though to be the happy little Christmas elf that everyone wanted me to be. I tried my hardest to hide everything else that I was feeling so that I could please my friends and family. I am expected to be the same Christmas obsessed person that I have always been and until now that has never been a problem. I wanted to be the person that everyone wanted me to be, and on the outside, I did really well, but on the inside there was no jolly elf.

I took my first breathe of the season tonight. I put on my snow gear and I went out to work on the driveway with my dad. Once he got to the top I walked up to meet him. When we walked back down the driveway we saw that 2 1/2 more inches of snow had fallen over what we had just cleared. I handed my shovel off to my dad and laid down in the snow. With snow falling on my face I finally felt like everything was being cleared. It was like I didn't have to pretend to be happy and I felt God with me. I was burred in snow and it felt like I was being held and comforted.  In the few minutes that I laid there I came to understand a lot of what this season has been like for so many others.

Christmas came and went so fast this year. It is such an important time of the year in my life. At this time of year a lot of people become depressed and lonely but not me. I love being inside and looking at Christmas lights. A few days ago, someone walked into our home and said that it was like walking into a winter wonderland. I was glad that someone noticed what we were trying to do. I love to decorate and I love to spread Christmas joy. I could never understand why people would get depressed around Christmas. I also didn't understand why others were not as joyful as I am during this season.

This is the first year that I fully understood how this holiday can bring sadness. I realized that every single Christmas light brings up an old memory of something that I once had. I put on my brave face and I made the most of the amount of joy that I had this year. I am not saying that the holiday's are the reason for my sadness because that is not the truth. The memory of the joy that I once had with those that I loved consumed me and when I realized that it will never be like that again, the Christmas lights lost some of their magic. I am so grateful for the memories and I had to realize that I won't lose those memories even if people are not in my life. I will always have those memories and I get to make new ones too.

So before you judge me for being so obsessed with something as simple as snow, this about where your comfort comes from. God shows us things in all different ways, you just have to be ready for Him to show you what you need.