In school this year I have done pretty well in all of my courses and I felt pretty strong. When I hit the mountain of loss that I felt was impossible to get over, God moved my mountains and healing has begun. It took a lot out of me but I still maintained my grades and my work ethic. I an involved in so many non profit organizations and I love to volunteer during the school year. I have to have a balance of everything or I will go crazy. This is the busiest time of the year for me in all of my volunteer work and in everything that I am involved in at home. This is also finals time here at school. I can do it all, and I was enjoying myself and staying on top of what needed to get done.
Christmas is my outlet and my joy. When I am stressed about getting my work done and making sure that I help whoever needs help during this season, I turn on my Christmas lights and take a breath. I have watched love slip through my fingers a lot this year so I have been clinging to Christmas and the meaning of Christmas. Yesterday that joy and that love was taken from me. After handing back exams in math yesterday my professor decided to give us a speech. I did not do well the second time around on this exam and I was devastated. I spent hours studying and reached out for help but still did not succeed. Rather than just letting me sit and wallow about my grade so that I could get over it, he continued.
He stated that instructors can tell which students focus on their studies at this time of the year, and which students give this their last big effort. He said what separates those successful students from the ones that don't care anymore is the Christmas break and holiday that is coming up. He claimed that there are students who get too excited about the holiday and about spending time with their families that they put in no effort at the end of the semester. Then there are the successful kids who push aside the holidays and family and give school their entire focus. He said that when it came time for this last exam and from the one that we just took, he could tell who was focused and driven and who had given up on the semester.
I sat there in my Christmas outfit, wearing Christmas earings and holding a terrible grade in my hand. I was stunned and hurt. I was told that loving my favorite holiday means that I don't put in effort with my school work or my studying. I cancelled the rest of my plans for the day because if anything else was added to the weight on my shoulders I would burst. It really felt like he stole my joy of Christmas and made me feel like I wasn't giving my exams all I have. I second guessed myself and my love for the holidays. I second guessed my priorities and my responsibilities as a music minestry head, and as a daughter and a sister. I suddenly could not figure out how to play all of those roles at the same time and maintain my grade point average.
It may seem to you that I went over board with my thinking , but for me and for everything that I have lost, Christmas was supposed to be untouchable. It was supposed to be the one thing that kept me going and kept me distracted from my pain, and now I was told that it is interfering with my work. My head was spinning and I couldn't make it stop. I wanted to turn the questions off and study like I was supposed to but the words that my professor spoke were ringing in my head. The tears kept falling and I was on my knees in prayer, but I went to bed still not comforted. For just that moment I lost my sense of love and strength that comes with that love of life.
This morning was interesting because I was still very confused at what I could cling to now and put all my love into other than this holiday. God has shown me so much of His love and I wanted to put that love somewhere and keep it growing. I found some of my answer in the Word.
"But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you." Psalm 5:11
God has given me so many things to love and so many people to love. He shared that love with me yet again with a little blue slip in my mailbox. That slip sent me to the student center where my parents had bought me a finals survival box. Inside were some of my favorite things and a little card that read "While you're thinking about finals, someone is thinking of you". That corny little phrase meant the world to me because God showed me that there is more to school than these finals. This time of year is more than just finals time, and that little card reminded me that I can do it all and that I can balance everything as long as I use the support that God has set up all around me. My professor may have hurt me but yet again God put me back together.
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