The past week has not gone very well. The amount of pain that I have been in concerns both myself and my doctors. Pain is nothing new to me but for the first time I really didn't feel like fighting it anymore. I was ready to just give up and let it be. I have pretty much had that attitude since the loss of my baby sister but I am just now really admitting it. I had the dread of school starting and I could feel my stress level going up and up as move in day grew closer. Most people my age are having to go to the bank and take out loans to pay for school and books so I am not alone in the added stress of it all. Keeping everything bottled up inside has been driving me crazy and I was ready to explode.
By the grace of God we were able to see my sister yesterday. It was the first time in two months that I felt alive again. I felt actual joy running through me again. There was sorrow close behind it but for just a few hours I got to feel love again and I didn't have to feel empty. When it was time to say goodbye, my world seemed to grow colder but not as cold as it was before. Seeing her sparked my passion to fight for my life and against pain and doubt. It gave me this sort of hope that I was lacking. I packed my belongings and headed back to school. Once I was at school all of the things that had been going on before, re-surfaced. I became very overwhelmed and anxious.
At school we ended up having a major problem with our plumbing that lasted late into the night. I went to bed and left my suit-mate up to deal with the person trying to help us. I figured that when I woke up there were two things I could face, the first would be that nothing happened and I could finally get some rest; the second was that our room would be flooded with dirty water and overwhelm me even more. Sure enough this morning I was woken up early because the sink overflowed and water was everywhere. We had guys coming in to fix things all morning and I never really got to relax.
Scripture says this about suffering, which is what I have been dealing with for quite some time now.
"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4
For you this verse may not make sense but for me, where I am right now this is a verse that gives me hope. This verse tells me that even when I think I am going to overflow and make a mess, I won't as long as I keep fighting and following Christ. I am scared that I don't know what I am doing right now but God can show me the way and He can show you the way if you just let Him. Join this battle with me against all things that are not godly and against all things that try to bring us down on this Earth. Don't give up because I can't do this alone. Just remember that if you overflow with emotions in your life step back and look at the flood, then look at it again in God's eyes and ask Him to guide you through the clean up.
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