I wrote this post on February 25, 2015. I was going through some old posts that I never posted and this was one of them. To give you a little context, this was written two days before the twins left us. I'm sharing this with you now, asking you to read all the way through because I'm going to update you on how God has been working in my life through this.
2.25.15 ---- In the car a couple of weeks ago I was thinking about everything that was happening with the kids and with my family. I honestly can say that I knew I needed prayer but I had no idea what to pray. We were trying to listen to the Christian radio station but of course it never really works. For a few seconds, however, it did work. The lyrics that I heard stopped me in my train of thought. The words were,
"I can barely stand right now, everything is crashing down, and I wonder where You are... I try to find the words to pray, I don't always know what to say but You're the one that can hear my heart, and even though I don't know what Your plan is, I know You make beauty from these ashes... I've seen joy and I've seen pain and on my knees I call Your name, here's my broken hallelujah, with nothing left to hold on to, I raise these empty hands to You, here's my broken hallelujah"
The reason that they struck me was because they explained exactly what I was feeling. At that moment I was reminded that God sees the pain in my life. I feel like I'm drowning some days, and I'm in a state of confusion for the rest of the days. In less than five days I will be saying goodbye to a part of myself. I know that God is in control and that He has a plan but when it comes down to it, I have questions just like everyone else. I do wonder sometimes where God is in this situation and I have wondered where He has been in other situations. The problem is that I'm not really looking for Him. I'm too busy being hurt and distraught.
When I sit at night with the girls and snuggle so many thoughts go through my head. Like why didn't I appreciate snuggling more, or why didn't I take the time to come home more often and put them on the bus, or take them out to dinner. I guess in my heart I always thought they would be mine forever. Again it goes back to my will verses God's will. When I hold them while they are crying and begging not to leave, I turn to God and I literally do not have the words to pray. I cannot form words in that state of mind. Its heartbreaking.
What I need to realize is that when I'm asking where God is, He has been right beside me the whole time. This song reminds me that although I think life is just full of pain, He has brought me joy out of terrible pain in the past. We all go through pain and loss, this isn't the first time for me. I've lost sisters before, friends have passed away and so has family. When it happens I'm lost in a sea of hurt and I really can't remember a time that was joyous.
No matter what is going wrong in my life, or who I'm losing, the one thing I can't do is turn my back on God. He is the one that makes my life beautiful and He is the one that can bring me through this pain. He will be the one to go with the twins and love them and be with them, because He is in their hearts. I take comfort in knowing that my Great Big God is with them when I cannot be. Sunday will be a battle for myself and anyone who knew the twins. Saying goodbye when no one involved has a choice in the matter, is harder than having a choice to say goodbye.
Each time that I have broken down these past few weeks, I am on my knees, and I want to pray but I don't even know what to pray for. I can't pray to keep them, I can't pray for a painless transition. What I can do is give God all of me, and everything I have. I do raise my empty hands and through the tears, and the hugs, and the peace, and the sorrow, I will always say my broken hallelujah. I am a broken person, I am a sinful person as we all are but God waits for us to cry out His name, and even if that's all I can get out, I give it all to Him. ---
I remember being in that broken place. I also remember what happened a few days later. I never thought I would get over that heart break. It has been more than two years since I wrote that. So many things have changed. There has been more loss and more pain, but there has been joy. When I didn't have the words to pray, the Lord knew what I needed. We have had two years to grow as a family, to heal and to bond. Each of us had to come together from our own broken places and watch as God made repairs.
During these two years, we were able to watch the twins get adopted by another Christian family who loves them. It was a bittersweet day. Our plans were vastly different from God's plan, but His plan is always better. I can now find comfort in knowing that they are where God wants them to be. I have been able to use what I learned through the twins, with kids that I work with at school. I am always drawn to the kids who remind me of the girls.
The Lord has been preparing me for each moment that has occurred since that loss. He used that pain for good. I won't pretend that the pain is gone. Any loss leaves it's mark, but what I can tell you is that it gets better. You won't be stuck in the broken, lonely place forever. There is a story being written by an Author who loves us. He uses every circumstance in our life for good. It may take a week, a month, two years or more, but His plan will be revealed to you. For me, it's still a work in progress, but healing has begun. I have the words to pray now. I am able to express what I need from Him.
