My Joy Comes From the Lord

Over the past few months I have learned a lot and a lot has happened. After graduation I really began searching for a job. At first I was looking for the perfect job and then I was looking for one that would get me in the door. That in itself was a big change for me. I had to learn to be okay with not having the "perfect" job. Then I realized, what makes a job "perfect". What I've found is that there is no such thing as the "perfect" or "dream" job for me. I want to work. I want to make a difference somewhere doing something where I can give my 100% no matter what.

I have filled out many applications and gone to workshops, taken online courses to build my resume, and have had a couple of interviews. Mostly I've had rejection. At first that was really getting to me. I was becoming disappointed and beating myself up for not being the "ideal" employee. Each time that I applied, I prayed to God asking Him to bless me with that job and help me get it. Which of course was a major source of disappointment because once again MY plan wasn't falling into place.

Recently I have been getting back into The Word, at a deeper level and trying to pray more. I began the journey of creating a War Room and stopping each and every day to pray despite what was happening, good or bad. At first it was difficult because I had so many other things on my mind. Slowly it has gotten easier and now if it were up to me I would rather pray in my War Room than eat, or sleep. My journey is not over, but I feel like something was missing from my life and all of a sudden I've found what I have really desired. In order to feel fulfilled with my life now and in the future I needed to fill myself with the Holy Spirit.

I was running on a "high" you might say. It was my senior year of college. I was doing so well, everything was pretty good. I was "healing" from the loss, I had a 4.0 GPA, my internship was going well. Then I graduated, and went on vacation where I was congratulated every few minutes. Then I came home. I assumed everyone would be looking to hire new graduates who were fresh out, and full of knowledge and the desire to work, but I was disappointed (you may notice the reoccurring theme). I was of course thanking the Lord for everything that was going so well, but I wasn't deeply thanking Him. I wasn't spending time with Him in prayer or in the Word because I was "busy" job hunting.

I began reading "the Battle Plan" book after watching The War Room, and for the first time in a while I'm joyful. That doesn't mean that disappointing things aren't happening, but they aren't eating away at me because I can cast my burdens on the Lord. I am not wallowing here by myself in a world of self pity and rejection. I am actively working on my relationship with the Lord and how I can change my life through Him. I am praying for Him to reveal His plan to me because my plan won't ever work.

In a meeting last week I was speaking with a very kind gentleman about a possible job opportunity. He explained the job to me and told me that in this field and in that job, there tended to be a lot of rejection. He said that a lot of young employees come in full of joy and ready to work, but six months later when they have faced so much rejection and only a small amount of "success", they lose that joy that they once had and tend to leave the job (he said it more business-like but for the purpose of this post I broke it down a little). He asked me what sort of rejection I have faced and I sort of laughed but tried to catch myself. In my life I have faced a lot of rejection... especially when I created my own plan to follow instead of asking God for His plan. I didn't think that was exactly the kind of rejection he meant so I didn't share that part with him but it was rather amusing to me.

He left me with the weekend to think about whether or not I thought I would be able to handle constant rejection and maintain my joy. I didn't really know what else to say to him after that. I didn't want to laugh, or jump to quickly into it because if he was going to give me the weekend I was going to use it to pray and make sure that I wasn't jumping at my own plan again. So I got in the car and called my mom to let her know I was done. She asked me how it went and I didn't quite know what to say except that, that meeting brought something to my attention.

I'm not like those other young employees who lost their joy. They lost their joy because they found joy in success at work, or success at gaining sales. When you place your joy in something like that, you are bound to lose that joy because your job is never a guarantee and you can't foresee whether a sale will go well or not before you make your pitch. So here's the difference; Here's what I walked away realizing; a rejection at work cannot make me lose my joy, an employment rejection cannot take my joy and a single person cannot take my joy because my joy comes from the Lord.

His joy is my joy and He is unchanging. My joy is found in the Lord and the love that He has for me, and I get to take peace in the fact that He already knows how my life is going to play out. He sees what is coming and He is leading me where I need to be and I finally can see that I need to step out of the way and let Him lead me. When someone tells you that prayer changes things, don't take that lightly as I did. I was praying before and I prayed a lot, but I was the one standing in the way before. I still have a long way to go but I will go where God leads me and if its to this job I will continue to find joy in Him no matter the rejection, if it's not I will keep moving forward because even if I have no idea what's going to happen next, I know the one person that does know, and I hope that you can feel this joy too. If you already feel this joy, I can't believe I was missing out on it before.

If you are reading this and you are skeptical I challenge you to pick up a copy of "The Battle Plan" by the Kendrick brothers and just read the whole introduction and try to complete the first little activity. If you agree with me, still read the book because we always have room to grow, so grow with me as I face this challenge. As always, don't be afraid to ask questions (either to me, or your pastor, a trusted leader in Christ, or pray about your questions). I pray that you can find this joy and keep your head up because things haven't changed in my situation yet but my outlook has changed and the rest will follow.

My War Room

I haven't posted in a while. I have spent the past few months just thinking over everything that has happened in the past year. Most of which was awful, and some of it was wonderful. I haven't been able to bring myself to post some of the blogs that I have written because they just never felt complete. Eventually I realized that I've just grown tired. Tired of putting on a smile and pretending that everything is okay. Sometimes it is and other times its not. I stopped posting Facebook statuses because I realized I had nothing to say anymore. So I shared pictures because pictures say a thousand words. Its been lonely and I've learned a lot.

I've watched all around me as my friends have gotten married and had children, or gradated college and had jobs in their desired field right away, or have the opportunity to afford Grad school. But here I am, stuck in a rut. Everyone has an opinion on what I should be doing, or how I should be living. They also say that they "all went through this as well", or my favorite is, "Hang in there, it doesn't happen overnight". So I stopped talking. Stopped giving them honest answers from my heart and smiled and agreed. All the while feeling worse and worse about where I am. I couldn't put into words how I was truly feeling until I spoke with a close friend. She told me that I was feeling left behind. As soon as she said that I had the words to describe what these past few months have felt like.

So finally I knew how to pray. I realized that I wasn't really alone these past few months because I have spent so much time building my relationship with the Lord because He is the only one who knows what I'm going through and He knows what my future will be just as He knows what everyone else's futures will be. I stopped caring about what everyone wanted me to do, and what I wanted me to do because it's not in anyone else's hands and it's not in mine. God has a plan for me and I know that He has something good in my future.

Spiritually, I haven't been set on fire like I have been in the past. And then yesterday my Mom took me to see a movie called the "War Room". I was excited to see it, but I knew it was just a movie. However, I can tell you now that, that movie changed my life. This older woman was selling her house but inside her house she had this little room and she called it her war room. During the movie she spent time with a woman who was  spiritually cold and struggling with her life. The war room was where she did her praying. It was empty from all distractions except her prayers that she wrote out and posted on the wall. So often we find ourselves so distracted by so many things and this room was a way to shut out the physical distractions.

One assignment that the main character gave to the woman she was witnessing to, was to write down all of the things that she believed her husband has done wrong. The woman doing the writing said that it would take a very long list. Eventually she got three pages down and the main character looked at the list and said that despite everything on that list that her husband had done wrong, God still loved him. I had to pause and think about the lists that I have created of people's wrong doings and how they have hurt me. Its a completely new way of thinking. That despite what a person has done wrong in our eyes, God still loves them, and despite the list someone could make about each of us, God still loves us.

It was a hard concept to grasp, but I realized that although I pray each day, my prayer life was no where near where it needed to be. I hold on to my struggles and pray for things. I pray selfishly for God to take wrath on my "enemies" and those that hurt me. Something also said in the movie, was that people are not the enemy. There is a much greater enemy that is waging war. That enemy is Satan and when we sit down and let our prayer lives get cold, we are inviting him into our homes and into our lives. We let in the lies, and the deceptions and the pain.

I urge you to go see that movie. It may seem like just another movie but its so much more than that. We know that God can speak to us in many different ways. He knew this movie would be created and He knew that I would be going to watch it at this time in my life when I needed this reminder. So from this moment on, I am not going to let my prayer life get any colder. I am going to kneel in my own prayer room and wage a spiritual war, banishing Satan from my home and from my life.

This sounds like a bunch of crazy talk but after being stuck in this rut for so long, there is a new light reminding me that I am not alone and that I can't just sit back and watch. I have to participate and grow my prayer life and my time with God. I will pray for people I never wanted to pray for, and it will be a difficult thing to do but God watched as His son was tortured on the cross to save us from our sins. If He could do that, then I can learn to pray for my "enemies" (who aren't really enemies). God isn't leaving us alone in this battle but we must have a plan and we must call on the name of the Lord to execute that plan because its His plan that matters the most.

So no more being left behind and no more sitting down waiting for things to get better. I am a prayer warrior and a child of the one true King. I pray that one day you will feel the same burn that has set my heart on fire again!

A Little Change

In church yesterday, the sermon talked about the Gospel message. It was a call to the non-believers to commit their lives to Christ. I sat there thinking, I am already committed and re-committed, so what does it have to do with me? Near the end of the sermon the Pastor spoke to those of us who are strong in our faith and have already made that life changing commitment. He said that when we hear this message we should look back at our own walk and our testimony of faith and thank God for everything He has done and has yet to do.

I created this blog almost five years ago so that I could share my testimony. My testimony of faith did not begin and end on the day that I accepted the Lord, it was the beginning to a crazy journey that has yet to be completed. I have reaffirmed my faith multiple times as I have grown older and gained more understanding of the true relationship that I have with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. The message yesterday reminded me why I started writing in the first place. It wasn't just to share my thoughts and feelings, though sometimes I do share those, it was to share with everyone what life is like when you accept the Lord (I hope I have at least shown that some).

When I think about the unbelievers all around me, miserable, and broken, searching for something to fill that hole, my heart cries out. I have the answer hidden in my heart of a life full of trials but also full of triumphs. Christian life is by no means easy, in fact sometimes I think its harder but its worth it. When life is falling apart I can lean on the Lord and the knowledge that someday all of this pain will end and we will one day be perfect, sitting by the Lord in Heaven. Its a wonderful feeling to be "whole" in your most broken state. Jesus is not a band aid that will fix your problem if you accept Him for a certain time. He is the ultimate healer.

So here's my most recent testimony. I have been tested beyond what I could have ever imagined possible. In the past year, as most of you know, I lost two Uncles, my Grandma (who was a second mother to me) and my Aunt Mat (the last living sister of my Grandma). I lost my twin sisters that have lived with us for four years. Family dynamics with the rest of the family have become a tad strained because of all the loss and confusion. The worst part about losing those relatives was that I don't know if all of them were saved. I may never see them again and its hard to be at peace when I am so unsure.

Along with all of that, I have learned what it feels like to not feel safe in your own home, I know what its like to be beaten up, and I know what its like to feel that anger that comes through the mouth of Satan. I wanted to lash out and hurt the person that hurt me, and that feeling scared me. I learned that I am not as strong as I thought I was and that I cannot protect myself alone. I am not strong enough to do it on my own, emotionally, physically or spiritually. I have been bullied, and stepped all over and cried myself to sleep for months at a time. I felt trapped in a rut that I couldn't get out of with no real purpose or drive after graduation. I was so confused.

However (here's the awesome part), through all of that fear, and loss and pain, I graduated college with honors, received a 4.0, I have healed from the physical abuse and I have had the chance to learn from this. I have had a wake up call to the anger that I was holding against someone who is just as broken as I am and needed help, not punishment.  Still working on the anger part of course. God brought people into my life during that time that have helped carry me when I didn't feel like walking. He placed little children in my life who hug me, and remind me every single day that God is always working through even the smallest of souls.

When my extended family was at odds, my church family came in and took over. I lost sisters, but I also gained a sister. A sister in Christ who is by all means, except blood, my sister. Letting my wall come down and showing my vulnerability is something that I never wanted to do after being hurt so many times but there was that pull coming from the Lord telling me to let it go and take the wall down. He reminded me that my immediate family is not alone.

During these past few months our family shrunk to four members. I felt so empty at the thought of it just being the four of us again because our house used to be so full of life. God gave us this opportunity to heal with each other and be a family together just the four of us. The healing had to be done through us and continues to be done through us as we learn again, to be a family of four adults. Its a time of discovery again that we would have never gotten if things had stayed just as I wanted them.

My biggest fear in life is change. I hate it, I'm terrified of it. After I graduated I felt like I had to stay put. So many changes had already happened without my permission and I was scared to see anymore. I figured I would live with my parents until I got married and then stay in the same town forever. I'm sure that God got a good chuckle out of my stubbornness. He already knew His plan for me and He knows my future. We went down to Florida and I was scared to go because I didn't want to come home and find out everyone was just fine without us and didn't miss us.

While down there something clicked one day. Out of no where I suddenly was excited for some change. I found so many opportunities. Its like the Lord opened my eyes to a life that I was so afraid to have. It all became real, I felt this sort of freedom that I had been preventing for so long. I thought I was following God's will by saying I would never leave but selfishly I was ignoring Him because I didn't want things to change.

Life is full of changes. I don't know where those changes will take me or when they are going to happen but I know that God has this in His hands and that I am safe, and God will take care of me no matter where  I go in life. Just like my life changes, my Testimony has changes. I am no longer the girl that is stuck in a rut hiding from change, though it will not happen overnight and I have a long way to go, I feel like I have a fresh start.

It is my desire for everyone to feel the love of Christ. To have a peace that through every single storm there is someone who is firm as a rock. Jesus Christ is unchanging. I fear change and as so many changes happen I can focus on God who will never change. I pray that God can reach those who don't know Him and that they will be open to a change. Its a life changing decision and cannot be taken lightly but its amazing when you take that first step of accepting the Lord into your heart and your life.

We Have Been Saved

Easter is a holiday that so many of us celebrate. We have the Easter bunny (if your family chooses to go the Easter Bunny route as mine did), we have egg hunts, and cute little outfits, family get togethers, and so much more. For Christians we know that this holiday is about so much more than all of that. It is so fun to wake up and have a basket full of goodies ready Easter morning but we also know that this holiday is celebrated in remembrance of Jesus Christ rising from the grave.

A verse that has really been on my mind is John 3:16. Its a verse that I have heard and said a million times. It has become something that we just memorized as kids and when someone wants us to recite a verse we say that one. The little tiny kids know it and those that aren't even believers know it. Just because, I'm going to share it again.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." - John 3:16 (NIV)

Most of you know that a month ago we lost my two sisters. We have lost children before but this one was the hardest. We had spent four years with them and we were sure that they were ours forever. We had to tell them that they were leaving, we had to watch them cry, and we had to force them to get into a car with another family because we know that God has a plan for them. It didn't make it any less painful. We knew that in the end God would take care of them but the pain is real and the pain doesn't stop.

Any of you who have ever lost a child in any way, know the pain that comes with it. They had so much more of their lives to be with you. Its heartbreaking. You desire to love on them and protect them and hold them. Sometimes when I think about it, I feel like my heart is being torn out of my chest. I KNOW that God has this in His hands but it really doesn't change the sorrow right now. In anger sometimes I would think, how can God take someone's child? Doesn't He know how painful this is? He just doesn't understand how horrible this is? All of those are valid feelings and though I honestly know the answer sometimes your heart and your head don't match up.

God does know the pain though, that's the thing. Yesterday was Maundy Thursday. The night that many, many years ago Jesus sat down at a table and ate His final supper. He knew that night that one of His men had betrayed Him. Today He would be dragged around, tortured and finally hung on a cross to die a slow and very painful death. We know that He would be raised from the dead but that doesn't make what happened to Him any less understandable. He was someone's child. Mary carried Him and gave birth to Him. She loved Him and she cared for Him for 33 years. It was HER child that was humiliated. It was HER child that was tortured, she watched Him bleed from all the wounds and she watched them nail His hands and feet to, two wooden boards. Then she watched Him bleed out and die. Her child was murdered in front of her.

God gave us HIS ONLY son. He knew that we are sinners and that we needed to be saved. Most parents would DIE for their children. I would die to save my baby sisters. Our lives were all on the line, our lives and those before us, and the lives of those that we will leave behind some day. God wanted to save us because we are adopted into His family as His children. However, in order to save us He had to sacrifice His son. I know, that He knew His son would be raised from the dead but Jesus was His CHILD. He had to watch His son go through pain, He had to hear His son cry out for Him one last time. He watched them beat Jesus until He could barely walk.

Any of you who have children or who love a child know how hard it is to watch them in pain. I am not a mother but I am a big sister. I know how much it hurt to watch them hurt and someday I will now what it feels like to watch my child go though life but I know that its hard. You never want your child to feel pain of any kind. God had the power to stop it but if He had, we wouldn't be here. He made the ultimate sacrifice to save us. If that doesn't give you a reason to live and a reason to love Him, I don't know what will. He literally GAVE us His son to save US. We are saved because He let His child be tortured and die.

The amazing news is this, we are SAVED by GRACE. We have been saved through the love of Jesus Christ. He rose again and we have been blessed. So this Easter, look a little deeper and see just how special this Holy day is. God Bless and have a Happy Resurrection Day!

John 16:33

I will start off by saying that I am so grateful for all the love and support that my family has received these past few days. They have been a very trying time and it can get quite lonely but God provided us with an amazing support system. Moving on to what  I want to share today. This goes out to all foster or adoptive parents, and anyone who has ever lost anyone in their life, whether that loss is death or the removal of a child, or someone leaving your life forever.

My family has been doing foster and adoptive care for about ten years now. We have not had that many children because once the children come into our home they end up staying long term. About seven or eight years ago my family got our first child. I loved that little girl so much. We had her for about eight months and I was devastated when she was sent back to her mom. However, I got over it eventually though counseling and guidance. I was young at the time so I didn't really understand what had really taken place.

Then we got another child. We ended up adopting her and she was my little sister. I have never really talked about her in this way because so many people have judged me harshly or blamed me for her issues, and a whole list of other things, but I believe keeping quiet is never going to help anyone, including myself to forgive what has happened and move forward, so here it is. As she got older and more of her trauma started showing up, she began physically abusing myself and my mom. With police involvement she was removed. She is still in contact with our family because she is family, but what you have to understand is that foster kids have a lot of baggage and for some kids their trauma is major. Things that happen to them as babies can ruin their lives forever. Kids like my adopted sister never learned how to bond or love as babies which changed their brains making them unable to ever really be part of a family. All you can do is love them but if they are unsafe there cannot be a question as to whether they remain in the home or not.

Moving on, we got the twins next, but I will hold off on their story. After we had the twins we got a sixth month old baby that would change everything about me. I was 19 when we got her so she and I had a different kind of relationship. We didn't quite have a sister bond, but it couldn't be a mother child bond because I wasn't her mother. I helped raise that baby and I did learn a lot about motherhood. Hard as I tried, knowing that it was only foster care, I became so attached to her. She slept in a crib next to my bed and we would hold hands at night. I couldn't sleep until I heard her breathing to know that she would remain asleep. I knew what she liked to eat, and her favorite toys and how to put her to bed and how to enjoy her. I loved that baby with all my heart.

The problem was that it came time for us to give her up, but we had raised her for a year. Her mom had, had another baby and we took him in as well. However, God had other plans for her and frankly so did the state, but their plan and God's plan had totally different motivations behind them. Once the baby was taken it felt as if I had lost my own child. Almost as if she had died. I used to think that was crazy and that I shouldn't say that because people's children do die and she wasn't dead. I want to share with other foster families or those that don't understand foster family bonds, that you have the right to feel like they died because in a sense you raised them, you loved them, you poured your life into them and then they are taken out of your arms and placed into someone else's and most of the time you will NEVER see that child again. You will never hear from them, or be a part of their lives ever again.

It took me a year or more to get myself to a place of forgiveness and healing. I was so angry for so long. However, it made me appreciate my sweet little twins that we living in my home loving me and being my little sister. I have said before that they came into my life just when I needed something positive to change. They changed me as well. I stopped looking at the world as this black hole that had left me for dead, and started looking at it through the eyes of children who's world was a black hole of death. These children only knew misery and abuse. It became my goal to show them that life is good and that there are good people in this world that can love them and be there for them. Life became so much better with them in it. I cannot believe I got to watch them grow from little chubby 3 1/2 year olds, to beautiful, athletic, funny, smart and wonderful 7 1/2 year olds.

Two days ago my family and I had to put those two sweet little girls into a car even though they were pleading for us not to make them leave. We brought them to church where they were hugged and kissed and loved on. I watched them flourish in the arms of their brother and sister, and the rest of their little friends. Some of the kids understood what was happening but some of them didn't. There was a lot of heart break that day. At the lunchin my family was wrapped in the love that our Church family showed us. The truth about foster kids growing up in a church is that the foster family is not alone in raising the children. Our entire church takes part in their lives and helps us raise them right in the Lord so that they know that no matter what happens the Lord loves them through it.

When twin A broke down, I broke down with her. When her new family walked into the doors of the church she stood there in a puddle of tears yelling out the word "no". When it came time for her to say her goodbyes she stood there still sobbing into my mom telling her that she didn't want to leave and that she wanted to be a part of our family. She said, in front of the new family that she would never love them more than she loved my mom. It was like my heart was literally breaking in two. One half when with twin A and the other went with twin O.

Still sobbing we placed them both in the car. Twin O hadn't really cried because she really wasn't understanding what was happening. She was in a state of shock. She and I have always had a special bond since day one. She has trouble forming bonds as well, but we bonded in a way that no one else could. She was my little hero and I was her "twin" as she called me. As soon as I picked her up into my arms to say goodbye she started to cry and asked not to leave. This goodbye was worse than any other goodbye that I've had to do in these ten years. These kids ARE my sisters. Sometimes its hard to remember that God has a plan because even though I know that, the state, the Department of Children and FAMILIES just tore a family apart for their own selfish reasons.

I am not writing this to discourage anyone from being a foster family. In fact I want you to see this as an invitation to do foster care. Here's the real truth, being a foster or adoptive family is hard. As any of my fellow foster or adoptive families know, its no picnic. The TV paints a picture of a perfect family taking in this sad child and them living happily ever after, but that's not life. Foster care is messy and its painful. People say awful things to foster families and the state tends to beat us down. There are kids in this state who don't know what love is and they don't know that there is an amazing God who is with them always and loves every hair on their heads.

People have told me in the past that I shouldn't be so upset when foster kids "leave". However, in a lot of cases they did not "leave", they were taken, they were stolen out of our arms and placed into the hands of another. I am not saying that the arms of the new families are not wonderful. In fact the family that has my baby sister is a sweet God loving family who will love them, but it doesn't make the pain go away. Loss is loss. We all have a right to grieve and we all have a right to feel hurt and foster parents, its okay to feel like your child has died, because in a sense YOUR child has died. They aren't yours anymore, they will always be yours emotionally but legally they aren't your anymore.

I pray that someday we are allowed to see the twins again, but until then we grieve. However, we grieve knowing that God has a plan for this and that He is not bringing us all of this pain for nothing. This is such a chaotic world were there is a lot of pain, and loss and death, but John 16:33 says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world". A few people shared this verse with me this weekend and it was such a comfort. God has overcome the world, He has overcome death and pain, and loss. So if you are sitting out there grieving as I am and feeling like your world has just crashed down at your feet, try to remember that our God is a God of peace and that though the pain is overwhelming now, God will bring us peace, in time. God bless and keep on praying.

All This Time

This week has been like a week leading up to someone's death. Though the kids are not dying, we are losing them, and we won't see them for a while (if ever, hopefully someday). I have really struggled to remember that God is in control. I know in my heart that He is but there are days when I want to find someone to blame. Whether that be the state department, those in authority positions with agendas that damage families and a whole list of others that have been involved in this mess. However, even blaming someone I get no satisfaction, I get no closure and I feel more and more alone, lost and isolated.

Sometimes I get so caught up in my pain and the pain of the beautiful little girls, that I cry out and wonder where God is in all of this. I can preach that He is always with us, but in the thick of things sometimes I lose sight of where He is. Once I think I can't find Him or that I've turned from Him, I begin to panic. I know that  I will NEVER be able to make it through this loss without Him and His guidance and unconditional love.

I will be the first to admit that when I am going through a tragedy I push everyone away, whether that be making them upset with me because I'm snappy, or whether that's me just ignoring them until they leave me alone. One of my fears in life is losing everyone that I love. That fear is ever real to me each time that we lose children that I thought would be ours forever. On a side note I get that foster care is temporary but once you love the child and have had them for longer than a year (in the twins case four years) there is this feeling that they will never leave.

I push people away because then I don't have to worry about losing them because I've done it myself. That plan fails every time because we aren't meant to make it through this life alone. I isolate myself and find myself backed into a corner scared and alone. In the process of pushing everyone away sometimes I push God away, not by ignoring Him, but by putting my pain ahead of His plans for my life. When I am laying in the snow outside I am filled with joy and I feel the presence of God through His beautiful creation that joy is when I connect with Him but when I'm in the midst of pain I seem to forget that joy and wonder where He is now.

As I have said in the past I worship through song, and there are a lot of songs that I come across that may have been out for years but at that moment they fit my life. The newest one is called "All This Time" by Britt Nicole and her lyrics touch my heart in such a way that it changes the way that I am thinking about things. The chorus is as follows:
All this time from the first tear cried, to today's sunrise and every single moment between, You were there, You were always there, it was You and I, You've been walking with me all this time.

This song literally had me in tears because it was my conviction for asking where God was when I knew where He was, and it was a blanket of comfort because God holds every single tear that I have cried, and when I can't hold myself up any longer, when I have no where to turn because I pushed everyone away, His arms have been open. When I'm so weak that I isolate myself so that no one has to see my pain, He is there and He can see the pain. He is with me ALL the time, whether I ask Him to be or not.

If I can share nothing more today than this, its that you are NEVER alone. You can push everyone away but the love of Jesus Christ will just keep on coming. No matter what you have done in the past, no matter what pain you are in He is the healer and He will take care of you. It reminds me of the Footprints in the Sand poem. The man who is walking on the beach says that when his life was rough there were only one set of feet and God told him that it was then, that He carried him. When you feel out of control and like your life is a mess, He is the God who truly sees and He knows your pain because He's been here all this time.

This coming weekend will be horrible, but God will be there with me all the time. I have a God who loves me so much that He is willing to carry me when I am broken and weak, and when I have pushed people away, and when I have not made Him a priority, we are still His priority. The love of Christ will bring my family through this just as He can bring you through your situation as well. He is here all the time and He has never left, not even for a minute.

God's Will and Not My Own

Four years ago today I had my life planned out. I knew which college I wanted to get into, I was Editor-in-chief of my high school yearbook, I had great grades and I knew that I was going to be an investigative journalist, uncovering the truth. Yeah I had arthritis, but for the first time in my life I got to forget about it because I was going somewhere with my life. My plan was great. I had a small problem with my knee dislocating and decided to have a “simple” surgery to fix it. I cleared two weeks of work and once those two weeks were up I was going back to school and back to my routine. Yes I was praying, but not for God’s will because I had my own will right then.

Needless to say, four years ago, my life was turned upside down. I have told this story in the past so I will give you the short version. I never recovered from that surgery. I never went back to high school, I couldn’t walk for sixth months and I became very depressed. My life plan was thrown out the window. What I couldn’t see then, was that this surgery was God’s way of reminding me that He is in control. I didn’t understand why I had to go through so much pain, but 3 ½ years after the surgery a doctor finally told me what was really wrong with my knee.

The surgery irritated the early stages of Osteoarthritis in my knee. That surgery was a gift to me because rather than finding out one day that my knee degenerated, we know ahead of time and we can take the proper action.

Four years ago something else in my life changed. We were placed with a set of three year old girl twins. They were the most beautiful three year olds in the world (I’m a tad biased). They could barely talk, and had no concept of love. They didn’t know how to play, or laugh. They knew pain but I knew beauty. It took about five minutes for my family to fall in love with them and from that moment on they were ours.

After my surgery I was bed ridden for a while in our living room. One of the twins (Twin A)  was at a special school and the other twin (Twin O) was home with my mom and I. Twin O would climb up into my bed with me and just lay there for hours at a time. She wouldn’t move, she just snuggled and we learned how to love each other at a whole new level. She and I had a bond from the start.

I watched them learn how to use words, and they watched me learn to walk again. I will never forget the day that I took my first steps without my crutches. They saw me and ran to the crutches, each grabbed one and chased me across the room with them because they were scared that I would fall.

I cannot believe that they are seven years old. They went from being toddlers to being sweet little girls. They have their challenges but they have taught me how to love in a totally new way. They came to my rescue when I wanted to give up. They gave me a reason to push forward because they needed me as much as I needed them. Sure we fight like sisters sometimes, but that’s what we are. My whole future was changed. I had the twin sisters that I had always dreamed of.

When it was time to talk about adoption I was ready to make this happen. We had complications but they were our family and we tried so hard to keep it that way. We would pray to God for an answer (I prayed to keep them because my life plan included them living with us) and doors would slam in our faces. Yet, I kept on going because I liked my plan better than I liked Gods. I fought so hard to pray for MY will to be done.

As many of you know, a week from Sunday we will be saying goodbye to my beautiful little sisters. We do not understand why this is happening and neither do they. They cry every single day asking why. The sad part is that we ask why too. The truth is I know why ultimately. Why? Because God’s will was different then my own. No matter how much we fight, or how hard we try God’s will is what will happen in our lives. Someday I hope they understand that and that they know they will always be my baby sisters.

So four years after God showed me His will and took control again, I am back in the same place. You would think that I would have learned my lesson but life is messy and I am messy. The good thing is that God loves me and my mess. Four years ago I was so alone, I had my family but friends? Not so much. This time around, as my heart is breaking into little pieces I have a church family, who are more than just a church family, they are my family. They are here to pick up the pieces because God put them here to come around us.

I know that though I fight back tears thinking about this horrible goodbye (horrible because the kids beg and plead to stay with us and for me to be home with them every minute of every single day even though I have school), God has a plan for my life, the life of my family, the life of those around us and the life of my precious and beautiful sisters.

So here it is my confession. I have tried to make it my will and I have failed miserably. Its time that I let God take control and see what His plans are for my life because I can guarantee that they are better than the plans I have made. So if I’ve learned nothing else these past four years I can remember this, God’s plan is the only plan for my life and it’s time for me to listen.