In church yesterday, the sermon talked about the Gospel message. It was a call to the non-believers to commit their lives to Christ. I sat there thinking, I am already committed and re-committed, so what does it have to do with me? Near the end of the sermon the Pastor spoke to those of us who are strong in our faith and have already made that life changing commitment. He said that when we hear this message we should look back at our own walk and our testimony of faith and thank God for everything He has done and has yet to do.
I created this blog almost five years ago so that I could share my testimony. My testimony of faith did not begin and end on the day that I accepted the Lord, it was the beginning to a crazy journey that has yet to be completed. I have reaffirmed my faith multiple times as I have grown older and gained more understanding of the true relationship that I have with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. The message yesterday reminded me why I started writing in the first place. It wasn't just to share my thoughts and feelings, though sometimes I do share those, it was to share with everyone what life is like when you accept the Lord (I hope I have at least shown that some).
When I think about the unbelievers all around me, miserable, and broken, searching for something to fill that hole, my heart cries out. I have the answer hidden in my heart of a life full of trials but also full of triumphs. Christian life is by no means easy, in fact sometimes I think its harder but its worth it. When life is falling apart I can lean on the Lord and the knowledge that someday all of this pain will end and we will one day be perfect, sitting by the Lord in Heaven. Its a wonderful feeling to be "whole" in your most broken state. Jesus is not a band aid that will fix your problem if you accept Him for a certain time. He is the ultimate healer.
So here's my most recent testimony. I have been tested beyond what I could have ever imagined possible. In the past year, as most of you know, I lost two Uncles, my Grandma (who was a second mother to me) and my Aunt Mat (the last living sister of my Grandma). I lost my twin sisters that have lived with us for four years. Family dynamics with the rest of the family have become a tad strained because of all the loss and confusion. The worst part about losing those relatives was that I don't know if all of them were saved. I may never see them again and its hard to be at peace when I am so unsure.
Along with all of that, I have learned what it feels like to not feel safe in your own home, I know what its like to be beaten up, and I know what its like to feel that anger that comes through the mouth of Satan. I wanted to lash out and hurt the person that hurt me, and that feeling scared me. I learned that I am not as strong as I thought I was and that I cannot protect myself alone. I am not strong enough to do it on my own, emotionally, physically or spiritually. I have been bullied, and stepped all over and cried myself to sleep for months at a time. I felt trapped in a rut that I couldn't get out of with no real purpose or drive after graduation. I was so confused.
However (here's the awesome part), through all of that fear, and loss and pain, I graduated college with honors, received a 4.0, I have healed from the physical abuse and I have had the chance to learn from this. I have had a wake up call to the anger that I was holding against someone who is just as broken as I am and needed help, not punishment. Still working on the anger part of course. God brought people into my life during that time that have helped carry me when I didn't feel like walking. He placed little children in my life who hug me, and remind me every single day that God is always working through even the smallest of souls.
When my extended family was at odds, my church family came in and took over. I lost sisters, but I also gained a sister. A sister in Christ who is by all means, except blood, my sister. Letting my wall come down and showing my vulnerability is something that I never wanted to do after being hurt so many times but there was that pull coming from the Lord telling me to let it go and take the wall down. He reminded me that my immediate family is not alone.
During these past few months our family shrunk to four members. I felt so empty at the thought of it just being the four of us again because our house used to be so full of life. God gave us this opportunity to heal with each other and be a family together just the four of us. The healing had to be done through us and continues to be done through us as we learn again, to be a family of four adults. Its a time of discovery again that we would have never gotten if things had stayed just as I wanted them.
My biggest fear in life is change. I hate it, I'm terrified of it. After I graduated I felt like I had to stay put. So many changes had already happened without my permission and I was scared to see anymore. I figured I would live with my parents until I got married and then stay in the same town forever. I'm sure that God got a good chuckle out of my stubbornness. He already knew His plan for me and He knows my future. We went down to Florida and I was scared to go because I didn't want to come home and find out everyone was just fine without us and didn't miss us.
While down there something clicked one day. Out of no where I suddenly was excited for some change. I found so many opportunities. Its like the Lord opened my eyes to a life that I was so afraid to have. It all became real, I felt this sort of freedom that I had been preventing for so long. I thought I was following God's will by saying I would never leave but selfishly I was ignoring Him because I didn't want things to change.
Life is full of changes. I don't know where those changes will take me or when they are going to happen but I know that God has this in His hands and that I am safe, and God will take care of me no matter where I go in life. Just like my life changes, my Testimony has changes. I am no longer the girl that is stuck in a rut hiding from change, though it will not happen overnight and I have a long way to go, I feel like I have a fresh start.
It is my desire for everyone to feel the love of Christ. To have a peace that through every single storm there is someone who is firm as a rock. Jesus Christ is unchanging. I fear change and as so many changes happen I can focus on God who will never change. I pray that God can reach those who don't know Him and that they will be open to a change. Its a life changing decision and cannot be taken lightly but its amazing when you take that first step of accepting the Lord into your heart and your life.
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