Today was supposed to be my day off. I usually try and get some extra sleep on Wednesday because it is in the middle of the week and it is between my two busiest days. However, this morning I just could not sleep. I wanted to sleep but this was a day where my pain controlled me. I really hate these days. I get nothing done even though I have a lot to do. I got through my homework like I always do but sometimes that doesn't feel like enough. I spent all of yesterday in classes writing and learning and taking it all in. Today I had to process everything and get my schedule in order for this last month of school.
I have tried so hard to keep quiet about my pain and the fact that I am handicapped. However, now I have the opportunity to give my first hand experience to a class full of students and I don't know if I am emotionally strong enough to make myself so vulnerable to them. My public health professor wants me to use the entire fifteen minutes for my presentation because I know so much about my topic (which is arthritis in children). As I was talking with my mom she kept saying that it would be so easy just to show them what my life is like and show them first hand experience about the life of a child with this disease. I can't stop thinking about this and it is eating away at me.
Sharing this part of me is not something I wish to do on this campus ever again. I don't want to be the poor girl with the disease, nor do I want to be the girl who is "faking it". I have the chance to share with a classroom full of people how much Arthritis actually affects children. I want to be the voice for all the kids who can't voice this themselves. Until I met my friends at the Arthritis Foundation I felt like I was fighting this battle on my own and losing. I had my mom fighting for me all of my life but when it came time for me to fight I was scared.
It is only through faith that have come this far and faith can take me further if I let God be involved with this task. Not only do I have the chance to share about how much this disease hurts thousands of little children, but I have the chance to share with the class how much God has to do with my battle against this disease and others like me. The truth is that medicine can only take you so far. I suffered for so long with very painful medication and each week when I knew it was coming I would pray for a reason to skip the appointment but I went and I survived and I have come so far.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
Right now I am letting fear of judgment cloud me in this decision and I am letting it get in the way of something wonderful that I have the opportunity to do. It is not something that I can just get over but God can give me the strength and the courage that I need to do this. I can do this because I have our Mighty God leading the way. However, prayer is appreciated always!
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