I seem to have this reoccurring theme here, where I take a few months away from blogging and sharing my testimony. Each time there's always something different that keeps me away. As I stated in my last post, I have spent a lot more time in prayer, and learning about prayer. Things were going great for a while. I was happy and finding my joy in the Lord. Though I had not found permanent employment or found a direction for my life, I trusted that the Lord knew where I was going so I would just follow Him. In the back of my mind, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was waiting to see how Satan would attack me. I was certain that I could withstand anything.
Slowly but surely I began to lose my job. Bad things happened, new wounds were created, but I did my best to pretend that everything was alright. Often, when someone asked me how I was, I would say that I was fine, or that I would be fine. I figured that at some point I would be fine again. I just had to keep everyone out, or that's what I told myself anyway. I did a pretty good job for a while. But in the most recent months I began to pull away from my family, and my friends. It was easier that way. I could just be with God and everything would be okay. I myself have said that God answers prayer and that I believe in miracles.
I opened up to a friend recently and they could see me pulling away. It then took a family member asking me why I was dethatched, to get me to admit to something I had been fighting and trying to hide. The truth is, that although my relationship with Christ has gotten stronger, I am depressed. There is no sugar coating it anymore. I never wanted to admit to it, because it meant that I was weak. I felt, and had been told before that depression means that you aren't trusting God enough, or finding your joy in Him.
Soon after I admitted how I felt, I came across and article talking about what it means for a Christian to have mental health issues. In the article the author wrote that having a mental health issue, like depression has nothing to do with whether I believe in Jesus. I am here to tell you that I believe in Jesus Christ. He is my Lord and savior, but that doesn't change the fact that I a broken inside. It doesn't change the fact that I need help. He uses every situation in our lives. I cannot see what that is now, but there are so many other examples in my life where He has used tough situations to help me grow and assist others.
I have felt so alone. I thought that's what I wanted. I thought that if someone really wanted to love on me, they wouldn't accept my "I'm fine" response. Until recently everyone accepted my statement. Why wouldn't they? Satan has come in and tried to hurt me and pull me away, but I am telling you now that if you put your trust in the Lord, Satan is no match. He will try to hang onto you as long as he can. Let's face it, there are many of us who are battling Satan and its tiring to do by ourselves. I tried to hide my sin from God, but God knows.
There are some recent times in which I was faced with temptation and I went for it. I told myself that it didn't matter what I did, since obviously I am not a "good" Christian. I found love and friendship, but it wasn't what God wanted for me. Yet still, God kept on reaching down to take my hand. He put the right people in my life at this time. I hope that you will let Him do the same for you. This road that I am on is not even close to over. This is just the beginning, but I am tired of being shamed into putting on this fake front.
This path is scary and lonely, but it doesn't have to be. In "Living the Battle Plan", the author wrote, "Sometimes the most difficult, painful, fearful, or illogical path is the one that ends up being the open door, the one bearing God's fingerprints". We have walk the path that we have chosen, but we do not have to do it alone. God created us. We are God made, and Jesus saved.
If you get anything out of this, its for you to remember that we are prayerful people, but mental illness is a real thing. God created us and He created doctors and treatments. Never be afraid not to seek help based on the judgment of others. Above all else, thank Him even in the midst of a trial because He has never left you, and He has never left me.
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