Easter is a holiday that so many of us celebrate. We have the Easter bunny (if your family chooses to go the Easter Bunny route as mine did), we have egg hunts, and cute little outfits, family get togethers, and so much more. For Christians we know that this holiday is about so much more than all of that. It is so fun to wake up and have a basket full of goodies ready Easter morning but we also know that this holiday is celebrated in remembrance of Jesus Christ rising from the grave.
A verse that has really been on my mind is John 3:16. Its a verse that I have heard and said a million times. It has become something that we just memorized as kids and when someone wants us to recite a verse we say that one. The little tiny kids know it and those that aren't even believers know it. Just because, I'm going to share it again.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." - John 3:16 (NIV)
Most of you know that a month ago we lost my two sisters. We have lost children before but this one was the hardest. We had spent four years with them and we were sure that they were ours forever. We had to tell them that they were leaving, we had to watch them cry, and we had to force them to get into a car with another family because we know that God has a plan for them. It didn't make it any less painful. We knew that in the end God would take care of them but the pain is real and the pain doesn't stop.
Any of you who have ever lost a child in any way, know the pain that comes with it. They had so much more of their lives to be with you. Its heartbreaking. You desire to love on them and protect them and hold them. Sometimes when I think about it, I feel like my heart is being torn out of my chest. I KNOW that God has this in His hands but it really doesn't change the sorrow right now. In anger sometimes I would think, how can God take someone's child? Doesn't He know how painful this is? He just doesn't understand how horrible this is? All of those are valid feelings and though I honestly know the answer sometimes your heart and your head don't match up.
God does know the pain though, that's the thing. Yesterday was Maundy Thursday. The night that many, many years ago Jesus sat down at a table and ate His final supper. He knew that night that one of His men had betrayed Him. Today He would be dragged around, tortured and finally hung on a cross to die a slow and very painful death. We know that He would be raised from the dead but that doesn't make what happened to Him any less understandable. He was someone's child. Mary carried Him and gave birth to Him. She loved Him and she cared for Him for 33 years. It was HER child that was humiliated. It was HER child that was tortured, she watched Him bleed from all the wounds and she watched them nail His hands and feet to, two wooden boards. Then she watched Him bleed out and die. Her child was murdered in front of her.
God gave us HIS ONLY son. He knew that we are sinners and that we needed to be saved. Most parents would DIE for their children. I would die to save my baby sisters. Our lives were all on the line, our lives and those before us, and the lives of those that we will leave behind some day. God wanted to save us because we are adopted into His family as His children. However, in order to save us He had to sacrifice His son. I know, that He knew His son would be raised from the dead but Jesus was His CHILD. He had to watch His son go through pain, He had to hear His son cry out for Him one last time. He watched them beat Jesus until He could barely walk.
Any of you who have children or who love a child know how hard it is to watch them in pain. I am not a mother but I am a big sister. I know how much it hurt to watch them hurt and someday I will now what it feels like to watch my child go though life but I know that its hard. You never want your child to feel pain of any kind. God had the power to stop it but if He had, we wouldn't be here. He made the ultimate sacrifice to save us. If that doesn't give you a reason to live and a reason to love Him, I don't know what will. He literally GAVE us His son to save US. We are saved because He let His child be tortured and die.
The amazing news is this, we are SAVED by GRACE. We have been saved through the love of Jesus Christ. He rose again and we have been blessed. So this Easter, look a little deeper and see just how special this Holy day is. God Bless and have a Happy Resurrection Day!
Friday, April 3, 2015
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
John 16:33
I will start off by saying that I am so grateful for all the love and support that my family has received these past few days. They have been a very trying time and it can get quite lonely but God provided us with an amazing support system. Moving on to what I want to share today. This goes out to all foster or adoptive parents, and anyone who has ever lost anyone in their life, whether that loss is death or the removal of a child, or someone leaving your life forever.
My family has been doing foster and adoptive care for about ten years now. We have not had that many children because once the children come into our home they end up staying long term. About seven or eight years ago my family got our first child. I loved that little girl so much. We had her for about eight months and I was devastated when she was sent back to her mom. However, I got over it eventually though counseling and guidance. I was young at the time so I didn't really understand what had really taken place.
Then we got another child. We ended up adopting her and she was my little sister. I have never really talked about her in this way because so many people have judged me harshly or blamed me for her issues, and a whole list of other things, but I believe keeping quiet is never going to help anyone, including myself to forgive what has happened and move forward, so here it is. As she got older and more of her trauma started showing up, she began physically abusing myself and my mom. With police involvement she was removed. She is still in contact with our family because she is family, but what you have to understand is that foster kids have a lot of baggage and for some kids their trauma is major. Things that happen to them as babies can ruin their lives forever. Kids like my adopted sister never learned how to bond or love as babies which changed their brains making them unable to ever really be part of a family. All you can do is love them but if they are unsafe there cannot be a question as to whether they remain in the home or not.
Moving on, we got the twins next, but I will hold off on their story. After we had the twins we got a sixth month old baby that would change everything about me. I was 19 when we got her so she and I had a different kind of relationship. We didn't quite have a sister bond, but it couldn't be a mother child bond because I wasn't her mother. I helped raise that baby and I did learn a lot about motherhood. Hard as I tried, knowing that it was only foster care, I became so attached to her. She slept in a crib next to my bed and we would hold hands at night. I couldn't sleep until I heard her breathing to know that she would remain asleep. I knew what she liked to eat, and her favorite toys and how to put her to bed and how to enjoy her. I loved that baby with all my heart.
The problem was that it came time for us to give her up, but we had raised her for a year. Her mom had, had another baby and we took him in as well. However, God had other plans for her and frankly so did the state, but their plan and God's plan had totally different motivations behind them. Once the baby was taken it felt as if I had lost my own child. Almost as if she had died. I used to think that was crazy and that I shouldn't say that because people's children do die and she wasn't dead. I want to share with other foster families or those that don't understand foster family bonds, that you have the right to feel like they died because in a sense you raised them, you loved them, you poured your life into them and then they are taken out of your arms and placed into someone else's and most of the time you will NEVER see that child again. You will never hear from them, or be a part of their lives ever again.
It took me a year or more to get myself to a place of forgiveness and healing. I was so angry for so long. However, it made me appreciate my sweet little twins that we living in my home loving me and being my little sister. I have said before that they came into my life just when I needed something positive to change. They changed me as well. I stopped looking at the world as this black hole that had left me for dead, and started looking at it through the eyes of children who's world was a black hole of death. These children only knew misery and abuse. It became my goal to show them that life is good and that there are good people in this world that can love them and be there for them. Life became so much better with them in it. I cannot believe I got to watch them grow from little chubby 3 1/2 year olds, to beautiful, athletic, funny, smart and wonderful 7 1/2 year olds.
Two days ago my family and I had to put those two sweet little girls into a car even though they were pleading for us not to make them leave. We brought them to church where they were hugged and kissed and loved on. I watched them flourish in the arms of their brother and sister, and the rest of their little friends. Some of the kids understood what was happening but some of them didn't. There was a lot of heart break that day. At the lunchin my family was wrapped in the love that our Church family showed us. The truth about foster kids growing up in a church is that the foster family is not alone in raising the children. Our entire church takes part in their lives and helps us raise them right in the Lord so that they know that no matter what happens the Lord loves them through it.
When twin A broke down, I broke down with her. When her new family walked into the doors of the church she stood there in a puddle of tears yelling out the word "no". When it came time for her to say her goodbyes she stood there still sobbing into my mom telling her that she didn't want to leave and that she wanted to be a part of our family. She said, in front of the new family that she would never love them more than she loved my mom. It was like my heart was literally breaking in two. One half when with twin A and the other went with twin O.
Still sobbing we placed them both in the car. Twin O hadn't really cried because she really wasn't understanding what was happening. She was in a state of shock. She and I have always had a special bond since day one. She has trouble forming bonds as well, but we bonded in a way that no one else could. She was my little hero and I was her "twin" as she called me. As soon as I picked her up into my arms to say goodbye she started to cry and asked not to leave. This goodbye was worse than any other goodbye that I've had to do in these ten years. These kids ARE my sisters. Sometimes its hard to remember that God has a plan because even though I know that, the state, the Department of Children and FAMILIES just tore a family apart for their own selfish reasons.
I am not writing this to discourage anyone from being a foster family. In fact I want you to see this as an invitation to do foster care. Here's the real truth, being a foster or adoptive family is hard. As any of my fellow foster or adoptive families know, its no picnic. The TV paints a picture of a perfect family taking in this sad child and them living happily ever after, but that's not life. Foster care is messy and its painful. People say awful things to foster families and the state tends to beat us down. There are kids in this state who don't know what love is and they don't know that there is an amazing God who is with them always and loves every hair on their heads.
People have told me in the past that I shouldn't be so upset when foster kids "leave". However, in a lot of cases they did not "leave", they were taken, they were stolen out of our arms and placed into the hands of another. I am not saying that the arms of the new families are not wonderful. In fact the family that has my baby sister is a sweet God loving family who will love them, but it doesn't make the pain go away. Loss is loss. We all have a right to grieve and we all have a right to feel hurt and foster parents, its okay to feel like your child has died, because in a sense YOUR child has died. They aren't yours anymore, they will always be yours emotionally but legally they aren't your anymore.
I pray that someday we are allowed to see the twins again, but until then we grieve. However, we grieve knowing that God has a plan for this and that He is not bringing us all of this pain for nothing. This is such a chaotic world were there is a lot of pain, and loss and death, but John 16:33 says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world". A few people shared this verse with me this weekend and it was such a comfort. God has overcome the world, He has overcome death and pain, and loss. So if you are sitting out there grieving as I am and feeling like your world has just crashed down at your feet, try to remember that our God is a God of peace and that though the pain is overwhelming now, God will bring us peace, in time. God bless and keep on praying.
My family has been doing foster and adoptive care for about ten years now. We have not had that many children because once the children come into our home they end up staying long term. About seven or eight years ago my family got our first child. I loved that little girl so much. We had her for about eight months and I was devastated when she was sent back to her mom. However, I got over it eventually though counseling and guidance. I was young at the time so I didn't really understand what had really taken place.
Then we got another child. We ended up adopting her and she was my little sister. I have never really talked about her in this way because so many people have judged me harshly or blamed me for her issues, and a whole list of other things, but I believe keeping quiet is never going to help anyone, including myself to forgive what has happened and move forward, so here it is. As she got older and more of her trauma started showing up, she began physically abusing myself and my mom. With police involvement she was removed. She is still in contact with our family because she is family, but what you have to understand is that foster kids have a lot of baggage and for some kids their trauma is major. Things that happen to them as babies can ruin their lives forever. Kids like my adopted sister never learned how to bond or love as babies which changed their brains making them unable to ever really be part of a family. All you can do is love them but if they are unsafe there cannot be a question as to whether they remain in the home or not.
Moving on, we got the twins next, but I will hold off on their story. After we had the twins we got a sixth month old baby that would change everything about me. I was 19 when we got her so she and I had a different kind of relationship. We didn't quite have a sister bond, but it couldn't be a mother child bond because I wasn't her mother. I helped raise that baby and I did learn a lot about motherhood. Hard as I tried, knowing that it was only foster care, I became so attached to her. She slept in a crib next to my bed and we would hold hands at night. I couldn't sleep until I heard her breathing to know that she would remain asleep. I knew what she liked to eat, and her favorite toys and how to put her to bed and how to enjoy her. I loved that baby with all my heart.
The problem was that it came time for us to give her up, but we had raised her for a year. Her mom had, had another baby and we took him in as well. However, God had other plans for her and frankly so did the state, but their plan and God's plan had totally different motivations behind them. Once the baby was taken it felt as if I had lost my own child. Almost as if she had died. I used to think that was crazy and that I shouldn't say that because people's children do die and she wasn't dead. I want to share with other foster families or those that don't understand foster family bonds, that you have the right to feel like they died because in a sense you raised them, you loved them, you poured your life into them and then they are taken out of your arms and placed into someone else's and most of the time you will NEVER see that child again. You will never hear from them, or be a part of their lives ever again.
It took me a year or more to get myself to a place of forgiveness and healing. I was so angry for so long. However, it made me appreciate my sweet little twins that we living in my home loving me and being my little sister. I have said before that they came into my life just when I needed something positive to change. They changed me as well. I stopped looking at the world as this black hole that had left me for dead, and started looking at it through the eyes of children who's world was a black hole of death. These children only knew misery and abuse. It became my goal to show them that life is good and that there are good people in this world that can love them and be there for them. Life became so much better with them in it. I cannot believe I got to watch them grow from little chubby 3 1/2 year olds, to beautiful, athletic, funny, smart and wonderful 7 1/2 year olds.
Two days ago my family and I had to put those two sweet little girls into a car even though they were pleading for us not to make them leave. We brought them to church where they were hugged and kissed and loved on. I watched them flourish in the arms of their brother and sister, and the rest of their little friends. Some of the kids understood what was happening but some of them didn't. There was a lot of heart break that day. At the lunchin my family was wrapped in the love that our Church family showed us. The truth about foster kids growing up in a church is that the foster family is not alone in raising the children. Our entire church takes part in their lives and helps us raise them right in the Lord so that they know that no matter what happens the Lord loves them through it.
When twin A broke down, I broke down with her. When her new family walked into the doors of the church she stood there in a puddle of tears yelling out the word "no". When it came time for her to say her goodbyes she stood there still sobbing into my mom telling her that she didn't want to leave and that she wanted to be a part of our family. She said, in front of the new family that she would never love them more than she loved my mom. It was like my heart was literally breaking in two. One half when with twin A and the other went with twin O.
Still sobbing we placed them both in the car. Twin O hadn't really cried because she really wasn't understanding what was happening. She was in a state of shock. She and I have always had a special bond since day one. She has trouble forming bonds as well, but we bonded in a way that no one else could. She was my little hero and I was her "twin" as she called me. As soon as I picked her up into my arms to say goodbye she started to cry and asked not to leave. This goodbye was worse than any other goodbye that I've had to do in these ten years. These kids ARE my sisters. Sometimes its hard to remember that God has a plan because even though I know that, the state, the Department of Children and FAMILIES just tore a family apart for their own selfish reasons.
I am not writing this to discourage anyone from being a foster family. In fact I want you to see this as an invitation to do foster care. Here's the real truth, being a foster or adoptive family is hard. As any of my fellow foster or adoptive families know, its no picnic. The TV paints a picture of a perfect family taking in this sad child and them living happily ever after, but that's not life. Foster care is messy and its painful. People say awful things to foster families and the state tends to beat us down. There are kids in this state who don't know what love is and they don't know that there is an amazing God who is with them always and loves every hair on their heads.
People have told me in the past that I shouldn't be so upset when foster kids "leave". However, in a lot of cases they did not "leave", they were taken, they were stolen out of our arms and placed into the hands of another. I am not saying that the arms of the new families are not wonderful. In fact the family that has my baby sister is a sweet God loving family who will love them, but it doesn't make the pain go away. Loss is loss. We all have a right to grieve and we all have a right to feel hurt and foster parents, its okay to feel like your child has died, because in a sense YOUR child has died. They aren't yours anymore, they will always be yours emotionally but legally they aren't your anymore.
I pray that someday we are allowed to see the twins again, but until then we grieve. However, we grieve knowing that God has a plan for this and that He is not bringing us all of this pain for nothing. This is such a chaotic world were there is a lot of pain, and loss and death, but John 16:33 says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world". A few people shared this verse with me this weekend and it was such a comfort. God has overcome the world, He has overcome death and pain, and loss. So if you are sitting out there grieving as I am and feeling like your world has just crashed down at your feet, try to remember that our God is a God of peace and that though the pain is overwhelming now, God will bring us peace, in time. God bless and keep on praying.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
All This Time
This week has been like a week leading up to someone's death. Though the kids are not dying, we are losing them, and we won't see them for a while (if ever, hopefully someday). I have really struggled to remember that God is in control. I know in my heart that He is but there are days when I want to find someone to blame. Whether that be the state department, those in authority positions with agendas that damage families and a whole list of others that have been involved in this mess. However, even blaming someone I get no satisfaction, I get no closure and I feel more and more alone, lost and isolated.
Sometimes I get so caught up in my pain and the pain of the beautiful little girls, that I cry out and wonder where God is in all of this. I can preach that He is always with us, but in the thick of things sometimes I lose sight of where He is. Once I think I can't find Him or that I've turned from Him, I begin to panic. I know that I will NEVER be able to make it through this loss without Him and His guidance and unconditional love.
I will be the first to admit that when I am going through a tragedy I push everyone away, whether that be making them upset with me because I'm snappy, or whether that's me just ignoring them until they leave me alone. One of my fears in life is losing everyone that I love. That fear is ever real to me each time that we lose children that I thought would be ours forever. On a side note I get that foster care is temporary but once you love the child and have had them for longer than a year (in the twins case four years) there is this feeling that they will never leave.
I push people away because then I don't have to worry about losing them because I've done it myself. That plan fails every time because we aren't meant to make it through this life alone. I isolate myself and find myself backed into a corner scared and alone. In the process of pushing everyone away sometimes I push God away, not by ignoring Him, but by putting my pain ahead of His plans for my life. When I am laying in the snow outside I am filled with joy and I feel the presence of God through His beautiful creation that joy is when I connect with Him but when I'm in the midst of pain I seem to forget that joy and wonder where He is now.
As I have said in the past I worship through song, and there are a lot of songs that I come across that may have been out for years but at that moment they fit my life. The newest one is called "All This Time" by Britt Nicole and her lyrics touch my heart in such a way that it changes the way that I am thinking about things. The chorus is as follows:
All this time from the first tear cried, to today's sunrise and every single moment between, You were there, You were always there, it was You and I, You've been walking with me all this time.
This song literally had me in tears because it was my conviction for asking where God was when I knew where He was, and it was a blanket of comfort because God holds every single tear that I have cried, and when I can't hold myself up any longer, when I have no where to turn because I pushed everyone away, His arms have been open. When I'm so weak that I isolate myself so that no one has to see my pain, He is there and He can see the pain. He is with me ALL the time, whether I ask Him to be or not.
If I can share nothing more today than this, its that you are NEVER alone. You can push everyone away but the love of Jesus Christ will just keep on coming. No matter what you have done in the past, no matter what pain you are in He is the healer and He will take care of you. It reminds me of the Footprints in the Sand poem. The man who is walking on the beach says that when his life was rough there were only one set of feet and God told him that it was then, that He carried him. When you feel out of control and like your life is a mess, He is the God who truly sees and He knows your pain because He's been here all this time.
This coming weekend will be horrible, but God will be there with me all the time. I have a God who loves me so much that He is willing to carry me when I am broken and weak, and when I have pushed people away, and when I have not made Him a priority, we are still His priority. The love of Christ will bring my family through this just as He can bring you through your situation as well. He is here all the time and He has never left, not even for a minute.
Sometimes I get so caught up in my pain and the pain of the beautiful little girls, that I cry out and wonder where God is in all of this. I can preach that He is always with us, but in the thick of things sometimes I lose sight of where He is. Once I think I can't find Him or that I've turned from Him, I begin to panic. I know that I will NEVER be able to make it through this loss without Him and His guidance and unconditional love.
I will be the first to admit that when I am going through a tragedy I push everyone away, whether that be making them upset with me because I'm snappy, or whether that's me just ignoring them until they leave me alone. One of my fears in life is losing everyone that I love. That fear is ever real to me each time that we lose children that I thought would be ours forever. On a side note I get that foster care is temporary but once you love the child and have had them for longer than a year (in the twins case four years) there is this feeling that they will never leave.
I push people away because then I don't have to worry about losing them because I've done it myself. That plan fails every time because we aren't meant to make it through this life alone. I isolate myself and find myself backed into a corner scared and alone. In the process of pushing everyone away sometimes I push God away, not by ignoring Him, but by putting my pain ahead of His plans for my life. When I am laying in the snow outside I am filled with joy and I feel the presence of God through His beautiful creation that joy is when I connect with Him but when I'm in the midst of pain I seem to forget that joy and wonder where He is now.
As I have said in the past I worship through song, and there are a lot of songs that I come across that may have been out for years but at that moment they fit my life. The newest one is called "All This Time" by Britt Nicole and her lyrics touch my heart in such a way that it changes the way that I am thinking about things. The chorus is as follows:
All this time from the first tear cried, to today's sunrise and every single moment between, You were there, You were always there, it was You and I, You've been walking with me all this time.
This song literally had me in tears because it was my conviction for asking where God was when I knew where He was, and it was a blanket of comfort because God holds every single tear that I have cried, and when I can't hold myself up any longer, when I have no where to turn because I pushed everyone away, His arms have been open. When I'm so weak that I isolate myself so that no one has to see my pain, He is there and He can see the pain. He is with me ALL the time, whether I ask Him to be or not.
If I can share nothing more today than this, its that you are NEVER alone. You can push everyone away but the love of Jesus Christ will just keep on coming. No matter what you have done in the past, no matter what pain you are in He is the healer and He will take care of you. It reminds me of the Footprints in the Sand poem. The man who is walking on the beach says that when his life was rough there were only one set of feet and God told him that it was then, that He carried him. When you feel out of control and like your life is a mess, He is the God who truly sees and He knows your pain because He's been here all this time.
This coming weekend will be horrible, but God will be there with me all the time. I have a God who loves me so much that He is willing to carry me when I am broken and weak, and when I have pushed people away, and when I have not made Him a priority, we are still His priority. The love of Christ will bring my family through this just as He can bring you through your situation as well. He is here all the time and He has never left, not even for a minute.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
God's Will and Not My Own
Four years ago today I
had my life planned out. I knew which college I wanted to get into, I was
Editor-in-chief of my high school yearbook, I had great grades and I knew that
I was going to be an investigative journalist, uncovering the truth. Yeah I had
arthritis, but for the first time in my life I got to forget about it because I
was going somewhere with my life. My plan was great. I had a small problem with
my knee dislocating and decided to have a “simple” surgery to fix it. I cleared
two weeks of work and once those two weeks were up I was going back to school
and back to my routine. Yes I was praying, but not for God’s will because I had
my own will right then.
Needless to say, four
years ago, my life was turned upside down. I have told this story in the past
so I will give you the short version. I never recovered from that surgery. I
never went back to high school, I couldn’t walk for sixth months and I became very
depressed. My life plan was thrown out the window. What I couldn’t see then,
was that this surgery was God’s way of reminding me that He is in control. I
didn’t understand why I had to go through so much pain, but 3 ½ years after the
surgery a doctor finally told me what was really wrong with my knee.
The surgery irritated
the early stages of Osteoarthritis in my knee. That surgery was a gift to me
because rather than finding out one day that my knee degenerated, we know ahead
of time and we can take the proper action.
Four years ago something
else in my life changed. We were placed with a set of three year old girl
twins. They were the most beautiful three year olds in the world (I’m a tad
biased). They could barely talk, and had no concept of love. They didn’t know
how to play, or laugh. They knew pain but I knew beauty. It took about five
minutes for my family to fall in love with them and from that moment on they
were ours.
After my surgery I was
bed ridden for a while in our living room. One of the twins (Twin A) was at a special school and the other twin
(Twin O) was home with my mom and I. Twin O would climb up into my bed with me
and just lay there for hours at a time. She wouldn’t move, she just snuggled
and we learned how to love each other at a whole new level. She and I had a
bond from the start.
I watched them learn
how to use words, and they watched me learn to walk again. I will never forget
the day that I took my first steps without my crutches. They saw me and ran to
the crutches, each grabbed one and chased me across the room with them because
they were scared that I would fall.
I cannot believe that
they are seven years old. They went from being toddlers to being sweet little
girls. They have their challenges but they have taught me how to love in a
totally new way. They came to my rescue when I wanted to give up. They gave me
a reason to push forward because they needed me as much as I needed them. Sure
we fight like sisters sometimes, but that’s what we are. My whole future was
changed. I had the twin sisters that I had always dreamed of.
When it was time to
talk about adoption I was ready to make this happen. We had complications but
they were our family and we tried so hard to keep it that way. We would pray to
God for an answer (I prayed to keep them because my life plan included them
living with us) and doors would slam in our faces. Yet, I kept on going because
I liked my plan better than I liked Gods. I fought so hard to pray for MY will
to be done.
As many of you know, a
week from Sunday we will be saying goodbye to my beautiful little sisters. We
do not understand why this is happening and neither do they. They cry every
single day asking why. The sad part is that we ask why too. The truth is I know
why ultimately. Why? Because God’s will was different then my own. No matter
how much we fight, or how hard we try God’s will is what will happen in our
lives. Someday I hope they understand that and that they know they will always
be my baby sisters.
So four years after God
showed me His will and took control again, I am back in the same place. You
would think that I would have learned my lesson but life is messy and I am
messy. The good thing is that God loves me and my mess. Four years ago I was so
alone, I had my family but friends? Not so much. This time around, as my heart
is breaking into little pieces I have a church family, who are more than just a
church family, they are my family. They are here to pick up the pieces because God
put them here to come around us.
I know that though I
fight back tears thinking about this horrible goodbye (horrible because the
kids beg and plead to stay with us and for me to be home with them every minute
of every single day even though I have school), God has a plan for my life, the
life of my family, the life of those around us and the life of my precious and
beautiful sisters.
So here it is my
confession. I have tried to make it my will and I have failed miserably. Its
time that I let God take control and see what His plans are for my life because
I can guarantee that they are better than the plans I have made. So if I’ve
learned nothing else these past four years I can remember this, God’s plan is
the only plan for my life and it’s time for me to listen.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
The Answer is Sin
Since Monday, there have been so many stories on the news about the backlash of the decision made in Ferguson. I have refrained from making any comments because everyone has been so angry and I really didn't want to deal with offending someone. Tonight a wonderful woman sent me a link to an NFL football players Facebook post. He is an African American male and I was interested to see his perspective. As I read I began to agree with a lot of what he was saying.
He first talked about all of the different problems surrounding this case and its outcome. He talked about being embarrassed about the looting and the violence that followed this case. First of all, from my understanding the whole case was about responses to violent acts. Now, many of those who are protesting this outcome are being more violent than those involved in the case. I have been so frustrated with all of the stories on the news. As my little sisters walk into the room, the first thing that they see on the news are people looting stores and burning them to the ground, or dragging them from car tires and climbing on police cruisers.
We have used it as a teaching tool, letting them know that nothing good comes from acting on your anger through violence. I feel so awful for those business owners who had their livelihood ruined because people were angry. Those owners had nothing to do with the case, or the judge or anyone involved, they were people just like us trying to make it through to enjoy thanksgiving. They didn't force anyone to pull the trigger, they weren't there to beat up the police officer. They were in their stores, or their restaurants working hard to make a living and put food on the table.
People are so quick to do horrible things. They have no respect for the law or for those they claim to be rioting for. Their claim is that the boy who was killed was innocent, and that the act of the officer was violent, and yet here they are setting bad examples for all those kids who happen to look at the TV. Parents have taught their kids to not act on their anger and to never hurt others. Then you have these adults stealing and burning things. I have wanted to know why. I wanted to know what the point of all of this was.
This NFL player remind me that I already knew the answer. The answer is sin. That's why people are looting, that's why they are hurting people and burning stores and restaurants to the ground. Each and every one of them are sinners. Just as we are sinners. We act on anger and we act in rage. We are told that we can be angry but we must not act on that anger.
All of this madness stems from the beginning. From the time of Adam and Eve when Eve took that apple and changed us forever. When will it end? Well the truth is it won't, not while we are here, not while we are sinners among sinners. The only one who can end this is God. The only way we will end this awfulness is through our savior.
So next time you are like me, and watching things go bad in the news or in your life, and the next time that you are wondering when this is going to end, remember this, the answer is sin. Sin is in this world, and we sinners are in this world. Sin will not go away, but it will not be this way forever, there is truth and there is light and there is hope in the Gospel and through Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior, so have hope and keeping praying because this isn't the end.
He first talked about all of the different problems surrounding this case and its outcome. He talked about being embarrassed about the looting and the violence that followed this case. First of all, from my understanding the whole case was about responses to violent acts. Now, many of those who are protesting this outcome are being more violent than those involved in the case. I have been so frustrated with all of the stories on the news. As my little sisters walk into the room, the first thing that they see on the news are people looting stores and burning them to the ground, or dragging them from car tires and climbing on police cruisers.
We have used it as a teaching tool, letting them know that nothing good comes from acting on your anger through violence. I feel so awful for those business owners who had their livelihood ruined because people were angry. Those owners had nothing to do with the case, or the judge or anyone involved, they were people just like us trying to make it through to enjoy thanksgiving. They didn't force anyone to pull the trigger, they weren't there to beat up the police officer. They were in their stores, or their restaurants working hard to make a living and put food on the table.
People are so quick to do horrible things. They have no respect for the law or for those they claim to be rioting for. Their claim is that the boy who was killed was innocent, and that the act of the officer was violent, and yet here they are setting bad examples for all those kids who happen to look at the TV. Parents have taught their kids to not act on their anger and to never hurt others. Then you have these adults stealing and burning things. I have wanted to know why. I wanted to know what the point of all of this was.
This NFL player remind me that I already knew the answer. The answer is sin. That's why people are looting, that's why they are hurting people and burning stores and restaurants to the ground. Each and every one of them are sinners. Just as we are sinners. We act on anger and we act in rage. We are told that we can be angry but we must not act on that anger.
All of this madness stems from the beginning. From the time of Adam and Eve when Eve took that apple and changed us forever. When will it end? Well the truth is it won't, not while we are here, not while we are sinners among sinners. The only one who can end this is God. The only way we will end this awfulness is through our savior.
So next time you are like me, and watching things go bad in the news or in your life, and the next time that you are wondering when this is going to end, remember this, the answer is sin. Sin is in this world, and we sinners are in this world. Sin will not go away, but it will not be this way forever, there is truth and there is light and there is hope in the Gospel and through Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior, so have hope and keeping praying because this isn't the end.
Monday, October 20, 2014
You Remain the Same
Have you ever had one of those days where you need everything to go right, but it all goes wrong? Well that's the day that I am having today. I have a major exam for a class with a 60% fail rate. For the first time in my life I have to try so hard to be happy with a C on my exams. All of that said, I am so very nervous for the test. I have been studying for a very long time because I knew how hard it would be. As it gets closer to the time that I have to go take it, things seem to just be pilling up high.
Some people know that I have been struggling with my blood pressure for some time now. I got it to go down for a while but that didn't last long. Most people would like to say that its caused by stress, but for me, its not. The stress comes when its high and I can't get it under control. Like today for instance. I am stressed already and now I have to be so carful not to make my blood pressure rise, which is stressful in itself.
Its been a whole long list of silly things happening to me. (Warning, I am about to complain) I ran out of time to type up all of the notes that I wanted to type, so I went to print what I had, and suddenly, without warning, the printer was out of ink. Then after that, my pants zipper broke on my favorite pants. So many other little things happened, but you get the point. I'm a mess today, and I'm at the end of my rope. I wish I had it in me to skip this exam and be done with school, but that's not the plan that God has for me (at this point in time).
When I get overwhelmed like this, I am always drawn to Christian music. Its my reminder that I am here for a purpose and that all these little things that keep happening are insignificant in the long run. I have to remember to turn my head to God and pull myself out of my own misery. Instead of crying over this exam and this stress, I can rest assured that no matter the outcome of this, God will still love me.
In our ladies Bible study at church yesterday we talked about God being "I Am". He says in the word that He is who He is and that He never changes. He stays the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. We were asked what that meant to us in our lives. Most of the ladies had the same response that I had. It brings me a sort of peace to know that He isn't changing and that He isn't going anywhere.
What does that mean to me? It means that no matter what happens on this test, no matter what it does to my GPA, no matter how high my blood pressure rises, no matter how many little annoying things happen, He is my rock. He will not change. This is a world full of change. There is no real stability that provides comfort. Its a sea of doubt and despair. I will be the first to tell you that there are many times that I get trapped and feel like there's no control over my life, but there is. God, My Father, is in control.
Friends change, family changes, people change, I change. It can get so very messy here, but God, the Great "I Am" is my solid ground. He will bring me through this and He will provide me the peace that I need. I don't deserve it, none of us do, but He grants it to us anyway. Praise be to Our God who was the same yesterday, the same today and will remain the same tomorrow and forever. I will find rest in Him who is unchanging.
Some people know that I have been struggling with my blood pressure for some time now. I got it to go down for a while but that didn't last long. Most people would like to say that its caused by stress, but for me, its not. The stress comes when its high and I can't get it under control. Like today for instance. I am stressed already and now I have to be so carful not to make my blood pressure rise, which is stressful in itself.
Its been a whole long list of silly things happening to me. (Warning, I am about to complain) I ran out of time to type up all of the notes that I wanted to type, so I went to print what I had, and suddenly, without warning, the printer was out of ink. Then after that, my pants zipper broke on my favorite pants. So many other little things happened, but you get the point. I'm a mess today, and I'm at the end of my rope. I wish I had it in me to skip this exam and be done with school, but that's not the plan that God has for me (at this point in time).
When I get overwhelmed like this, I am always drawn to Christian music. Its my reminder that I am here for a purpose and that all these little things that keep happening are insignificant in the long run. I have to remember to turn my head to God and pull myself out of my own misery. Instead of crying over this exam and this stress, I can rest assured that no matter the outcome of this, God will still love me.
In our ladies Bible study at church yesterday we talked about God being "I Am". He says in the word that He is who He is and that He never changes. He stays the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. We were asked what that meant to us in our lives. Most of the ladies had the same response that I had. It brings me a sort of peace to know that He isn't changing and that He isn't going anywhere.
What does that mean to me? It means that no matter what happens on this test, no matter what it does to my GPA, no matter how high my blood pressure rises, no matter how many little annoying things happen, He is my rock. He will not change. This is a world full of change. There is no real stability that provides comfort. Its a sea of doubt and despair. I will be the first to tell you that there are many times that I get trapped and feel like there's no control over my life, but there is. God, My Father, is in control.
Friends change, family changes, people change, I change. It can get so very messy here, but God, the Great "I Am" is my solid ground. He will bring me through this and He will provide me the peace that I need. I don't deserve it, none of us do, but He grants it to us anyway. Praise be to Our God who was the same yesterday, the same today and will remain the same tomorrow and forever. I will find rest in Him who is unchanging.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Lord, You Never Let Go
There is a song that I continue to listen to every single day that really touches my heart. As I have said in the past, I worship through music. Listening to Christian music and singing praises to the Lord is what keeps me centered on what I am doing with my life. Music impacts each of us in different ways. We all have different tastes but its there, in everything that we do. This song in particular is not a very recent song, but its pretty new to me.
The version that I listen to is sung by a singer who I loved when I was younger. She and her sister had been Christian's but their music moved a little away from that. A couple years ago, the younger of the two broke out on her own and released her first Christian song, which I have talked about before. I was so moved by it that I began to search for more Christian songs by her, and I came across one that is called "You Never Let Go". To better explain how this song effects me, I am going to break it down to the most important part, but feel free to listen to the song yourself.
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, Your perfect love is casting out fear And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life, I won't turn back, I know You are near"
-- This part explains so much about what has been going on in my life and my families lives. There is such unrest happening and it really feels like we are sometimes walking in the Valley of the shadow of death and sometimes I can't find a way out because I'm treading water. The one thing that remains true in my life is that I have a peace in my heart to know that God is always by my side.
"'Cause I will fear no evil, For my God is with me, And if my God is with me, Whom then shall I fear? Oh no, You never let go, Through the calm and through the storm, Oh no, You never let go, In every high and every low, Oh no, You never let go, Lord, You never let go of me yeah!"
-- This part is also so very powerful. There is so much evil around us and it can consume us. We can get trapped in this world and the vast evil that surrounds us. Evil is inevitable because we are human and we ALL sin every single day. Yet no matter what evil we do, or what evil is done to us, God is literally there through the whole storm. He is with us when we are on top of the world and He is with us when we hit rock bottom.
"And I can see a light that is coming, For the heart that holds on, A glorious light beyond all compare, And there will be an end to these troubles, But until that day comes, We'll live to know You here on the earth"
-- I talk a lot about the light in darkness. There are points in my life where I felt that the darkness was more powerful than the light. I was drowning in my own sorrows and of the sorrows that have been brought upon the lives of my family and friends. Even through all the darkness in front of me right now, and all of the stress, and the physical and emotional pain, I have joy in my heart because I see that God's light is still shining so bright, and there is nothing that can be compared to it because there is nothing like it.
There will be an end to these troubles, there will be no more death, no more pain, no more loss, no hate, no more tears, no more broken promises, no more lies, no more searching for something to fulfill yourself. We will be with God one day, but until then, we are living on this earth with one another. We have a chance to know Jesus here and we have the chance to share His love with those around us who may be facing that same darkness.
I am not perfect, there are times when I don't care to see the light of God in my life. However, that light never leaves me. Even when I am angry and turn away, the light of God remains steady. Things won't be peachy here on earth. I have to sit here and wonder if I scare boys away because I am so outspoken about the Lord, but at the same time, if a boy can't handle that, then it means they are one, not right for me, but beside that, they may still be in search of the love of Jesus Christ. I use that example not to complain but to share that there is an everyday battle to get others to love Jesus the way that a lot of us Christians do. It hurts me to think that there are people stuck in this darkness, and can't see the light that is always shining the way for them to go.
I am not saying to go into the light and die, I am saying that when we can see nothing but terrible, consuming darkness, there is still a beautiful, strong light that is at the end of that tunnel. God is there reminding us that there is light and that we have a chance to be that light in our communities. Take a moment and try to shine that light somewhere in your life in the next couple of weeks. If each of us just shines that light to even one person, God can impact so many lives, even if it happens one by one.
The Lord never lets go, ever. He will never, and has never let you go. Find peace in that, because I know that I do.
The song is called "You Never Let Go"- AJ Michalka
The version that I listen to is sung by a singer who I loved when I was younger. She and her sister had been Christian's but their music moved a little away from that. A couple years ago, the younger of the two broke out on her own and released her first Christian song, which I have talked about before. I was so moved by it that I began to search for more Christian songs by her, and I came across one that is called "You Never Let Go". To better explain how this song effects me, I am going to break it down to the most important part, but feel free to listen to the song yourself.
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, Your perfect love is casting out fear And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life, I won't turn back, I know You are near"
-- This part explains so much about what has been going on in my life and my families lives. There is such unrest happening and it really feels like we are sometimes walking in the Valley of the shadow of death and sometimes I can't find a way out because I'm treading water. The one thing that remains true in my life is that I have a peace in my heart to know that God is always by my side.
"'Cause I will fear no evil, For my God is with me, And if my God is with me, Whom then shall I fear? Oh no, You never let go, Through the calm and through the storm, Oh no, You never let go, In every high and every low, Oh no, You never let go, Lord, You never let go of me yeah!"
-- This part is also so very powerful. There is so much evil around us and it can consume us. We can get trapped in this world and the vast evil that surrounds us. Evil is inevitable because we are human and we ALL sin every single day. Yet no matter what evil we do, or what evil is done to us, God is literally there through the whole storm. He is with us when we are on top of the world and He is with us when we hit rock bottom.
"And I can see a light that is coming, For the heart that holds on, A glorious light beyond all compare, And there will be an end to these troubles, But until that day comes, We'll live to know You here on the earth"
-- I talk a lot about the light in darkness. There are points in my life where I felt that the darkness was more powerful than the light. I was drowning in my own sorrows and of the sorrows that have been brought upon the lives of my family and friends. Even through all the darkness in front of me right now, and all of the stress, and the physical and emotional pain, I have joy in my heart because I see that God's light is still shining so bright, and there is nothing that can be compared to it because there is nothing like it.
There will be an end to these troubles, there will be no more death, no more pain, no more loss, no hate, no more tears, no more broken promises, no more lies, no more searching for something to fulfill yourself. We will be with God one day, but until then, we are living on this earth with one another. We have a chance to know Jesus here and we have the chance to share His love with those around us who may be facing that same darkness.
I am not perfect, there are times when I don't care to see the light of God in my life. However, that light never leaves me. Even when I am angry and turn away, the light of God remains steady. Things won't be peachy here on earth. I have to sit here and wonder if I scare boys away because I am so outspoken about the Lord, but at the same time, if a boy can't handle that, then it means they are one, not right for me, but beside that, they may still be in search of the love of Jesus Christ. I use that example not to complain but to share that there is an everyday battle to get others to love Jesus the way that a lot of us Christians do. It hurts me to think that there are people stuck in this darkness, and can't see the light that is always shining the way for them to go.
I am not saying to go into the light and die, I am saying that when we can see nothing but terrible, consuming darkness, there is still a beautiful, strong light that is at the end of that tunnel. God is there reminding us that there is light and that we have a chance to be that light in our communities. Take a moment and try to shine that light somewhere in your life in the next couple of weeks. If each of us just shines that light to even one person, God can impact so many lives, even if it happens one by one.
The Lord never lets go, ever. He will never, and has never let you go. Find peace in that, because I know that I do.
The song is called "You Never Let Go"- AJ Michalka
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