All This Time

This week has been like a week leading up to someone's death. Though the kids are not dying, we are losing them, and we won't see them for a while (if ever, hopefully someday). I have really struggled to remember that God is in control. I know in my heart that He is but there are days when I want to find someone to blame. Whether that be the state department, those in authority positions with agendas that damage families and a whole list of others that have been involved in this mess. However, even blaming someone I get no satisfaction, I get no closure and I feel more and more alone, lost and isolated.

Sometimes I get so caught up in my pain and the pain of the beautiful little girls, that I cry out and wonder where God is in all of this. I can preach that He is always with us, but in the thick of things sometimes I lose sight of where He is. Once I think I can't find Him or that I've turned from Him, I begin to panic. I know that  I will NEVER be able to make it through this loss without Him and His guidance and unconditional love.

I will be the first to admit that when I am going through a tragedy I push everyone away, whether that be making them upset with me because I'm snappy, or whether that's me just ignoring them until they leave me alone. One of my fears in life is losing everyone that I love. That fear is ever real to me each time that we lose children that I thought would be ours forever. On a side note I get that foster care is temporary but once you love the child and have had them for longer than a year (in the twins case four years) there is this feeling that they will never leave.

I push people away because then I don't have to worry about losing them because I've done it myself. That plan fails every time because we aren't meant to make it through this life alone. I isolate myself and find myself backed into a corner scared and alone. In the process of pushing everyone away sometimes I push God away, not by ignoring Him, but by putting my pain ahead of His plans for my life. When I am laying in the snow outside I am filled with joy and I feel the presence of God through His beautiful creation that joy is when I connect with Him but when I'm in the midst of pain I seem to forget that joy and wonder where He is now.

As I have said in the past I worship through song, and there are a lot of songs that I come across that may have been out for years but at that moment they fit my life. The newest one is called "All This Time" by Britt Nicole and her lyrics touch my heart in such a way that it changes the way that I am thinking about things. The chorus is as follows:
All this time from the first tear cried, to today's sunrise and every single moment between, You were there, You were always there, it was You and I, You've been walking with me all this time.

This song literally had me in tears because it was my conviction for asking where God was when I knew where He was, and it was a blanket of comfort because God holds every single tear that I have cried, and when I can't hold myself up any longer, when I have no where to turn because I pushed everyone away, His arms have been open. When I'm so weak that I isolate myself so that no one has to see my pain, He is there and He can see the pain. He is with me ALL the time, whether I ask Him to be or not.

If I can share nothing more today than this, its that you are NEVER alone. You can push everyone away but the love of Jesus Christ will just keep on coming. No matter what you have done in the past, no matter what pain you are in He is the healer and He will take care of you. It reminds me of the Footprints in the Sand poem. The man who is walking on the beach says that when his life was rough there were only one set of feet and God told him that it was then, that He carried him. When you feel out of control and like your life is a mess, He is the God who truly sees and He knows your pain because He's been here all this time.

This coming weekend will be horrible, but God will be there with me all the time. I have a God who loves me so much that He is willing to carry me when I am broken and weak, and when I have pushed people away, and when I have not made Him a priority, we are still His priority. The love of Christ will bring my family through this just as He can bring you through your situation as well. He is here all the time and He has never left, not even for a minute.

God's Will and Not My Own

Four years ago today I had my life planned out. I knew which college I wanted to get into, I was Editor-in-chief of my high school yearbook, I had great grades and I knew that I was going to be an investigative journalist, uncovering the truth. Yeah I had arthritis, but for the first time in my life I got to forget about it because I was going somewhere with my life. My plan was great. I had a small problem with my knee dislocating and decided to have a “simple” surgery to fix it. I cleared two weeks of work and once those two weeks were up I was going back to school and back to my routine. Yes I was praying, but not for God’s will because I had my own will right then.

Needless to say, four years ago, my life was turned upside down. I have told this story in the past so I will give you the short version. I never recovered from that surgery. I never went back to high school, I couldn’t walk for sixth months and I became very depressed. My life plan was thrown out the window. What I couldn’t see then, was that this surgery was God’s way of reminding me that He is in control. I didn’t understand why I had to go through so much pain, but 3 ½ years after the surgery a doctor finally told me what was really wrong with my knee.

The surgery irritated the early stages of Osteoarthritis in my knee. That surgery was a gift to me because rather than finding out one day that my knee degenerated, we know ahead of time and we can take the proper action.

Four years ago something else in my life changed. We were placed with a set of three year old girl twins. They were the most beautiful three year olds in the world (I’m a tad biased). They could barely talk, and had no concept of love. They didn’t know how to play, or laugh. They knew pain but I knew beauty. It took about five minutes for my family to fall in love with them and from that moment on they were ours.

After my surgery I was bed ridden for a while in our living room. One of the twins (Twin A)  was at a special school and the other twin (Twin O) was home with my mom and I. Twin O would climb up into my bed with me and just lay there for hours at a time. She wouldn’t move, she just snuggled and we learned how to love each other at a whole new level. She and I had a bond from the start.

I watched them learn how to use words, and they watched me learn to walk again. I will never forget the day that I took my first steps without my crutches. They saw me and ran to the crutches, each grabbed one and chased me across the room with them because they were scared that I would fall.

I cannot believe that they are seven years old. They went from being toddlers to being sweet little girls. They have their challenges but they have taught me how to love in a totally new way. They came to my rescue when I wanted to give up. They gave me a reason to push forward because they needed me as much as I needed them. Sure we fight like sisters sometimes, but that’s what we are. My whole future was changed. I had the twin sisters that I had always dreamed of.

When it was time to talk about adoption I was ready to make this happen. We had complications but they were our family and we tried so hard to keep it that way. We would pray to God for an answer (I prayed to keep them because my life plan included them living with us) and doors would slam in our faces. Yet, I kept on going because I liked my plan better than I liked Gods. I fought so hard to pray for MY will to be done.

As many of you know, a week from Sunday we will be saying goodbye to my beautiful little sisters. We do not understand why this is happening and neither do they. They cry every single day asking why. The sad part is that we ask why too. The truth is I know why ultimately. Why? Because God’s will was different then my own. No matter how much we fight, or how hard we try God’s will is what will happen in our lives. Someday I hope they understand that and that they know they will always be my baby sisters.

So four years after God showed me His will and took control again, I am back in the same place. You would think that I would have learned my lesson but life is messy and I am messy. The good thing is that God loves me and my mess. Four years ago I was so alone, I had my family but friends? Not so much. This time around, as my heart is breaking into little pieces I have a church family, who are more than just a church family, they are my family. They are here to pick up the pieces because God put them here to come around us.

I know that though I fight back tears thinking about this horrible goodbye (horrible because the kids beg and plead to stay with us and for me to be home with them every minute of every single day even though I have school), God has a plan for my life, the life of my family, the life of those around us and the life of my precious and beautiful sisters.

So here it is my confession. I have tried to make it my will and I have failed miserably. Its time that I let God take control and see what His plans are for my life because I can guarantee that they are better than the plans I have made. So if I’ve learned nothing else these past four years I can remember this, God’s plan is the only plan for my life and it’s time for me to listen.

The Answer is Sin

Since Monday, there have been so many stories on the news about the backlash of the decision made in Ferguson. I have refrained from making any comments because everyone has been so angry and I really didn't want to deal with offending someone. Tonight a wonderful woman sent me a link to an NFL football players Facebook post. He is an African American male and I was interested to see his perspective. As I read I began to agree with a lot of what he was saying.

He first talked about all of the different problems surrounding this case and its outcome. He talked about being embarrassed about the looting and the violence that followed this case. First of all, from my understanding the whole case was about responses to violent acts. Now, many of those who are protesting this outcome are being more violent than those involved in the case. I have been so frustrated with all of the stories on the news. As my little sisters walk into the room, the first thing that they see on the news are people looting stores and burning them to the ground, or dragging them from car tires and climbing on police cruisers.

We have used it as a teaching tool, letting them know that nothing good comes from acting on your anger through violence. I feel so awful for those business owners who had their livelihood ruined because people were angry. Those owners had nothing to do with the case, or the judge or anyone involved, they were people just like us trying to make it through to enjoy thanksgiving. They didn't force anyone to pull the trigger, they weren't there to beat up the police officer. They were in their stores, or their restaurants working hard to make a living and put food on the table.

People are so quick to do horrible things. They have no respect for the law or for those they claim to be rioting for. Their claim is that the boy who was killed was innocent, and that the act of the officer was violent, and yet here they are setting bad examples for all those kids who happen to look at the TV. Parents have taught their kids to not act on their anger and to never hurt others. Then you have these adults stealing and burning things. I have wanted to know why. I wanted to know what the point of all of this was.

This NFL player remind me that I already knew the answer. The answer is sin. That's why people are looting, that's why they are hurting people and burning stores and restaurants to the ground. Each and every one of them are sinners. Just as we are sinners. We act on anger and we act in rage. We are told that we can be angry but we must not act on that anger.

All of this madness stems from the beginning. From the time of Adam and Eve when Eve took that apple and changed us forever. When will it end? Well the truth is it won't, not while we are here, not while we are sinners among sinners. The only one who can end this is God. The only way we will end this awfulness is through our savior.

So next time you are like me, and watching things go bad in the news or in your life, and the next time that you are wondering when this is going to end, remember this, the answer is sin. Sin is in this world, and we sinners are in this world. Sin will not go away, but it will not be this way forever, there is truth and there is light and there is hope in the Gospel and through Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior, so have hope and keeping praying because this isn't the end.

You Remain the Same

Have you ever had one of those days where you need everything to go right, but it all goes wrong? Well that's the day that I am having today. I have a major exam for a class with a 60% fail rate. For the first time in my life I have to try so hard to be happy with a C on my exams. All of that said, I am so very nervous for the test. I have been studying for a very long time because I knew how hard it would be. As it gets closer to the time that I have to go take it, things seem to just be pilling up high.

Some people know that I have been struggling with my blood pressure for some time now. I got it to go down for a while but that didn't last long. Most people would like to say that its caused by stress, but for me, its not. The stress comes when its high and I can't get it under control. Like today for instance. I am stressed already and now I have to be so carful not to make my blood pressure rise, which is stressful in itself.

Its been a whole long list of silly things happening to me. (Warning, I am about to complain) I ran out of time to type up all of the notes that I wanted to type, so I went to print what I had, and suddenly, without warning, the printer was out of ink. Then after that, my pants zipper broke on my favorite pants. So many other little things happened, but you get the point. I'm a mess today, and I'm at the end of my rope. I wish I had it in me to skip this exam and be done with school, but that's not the plan that God has for me (at this point in time).

When I get overwhelmed like this, I am always drawn to Christian music. Its my reminder that I am here for a purpose and that all these little things that keep happening are insignificant in the long run. I have to remember to turn my head to God and pull myself out of my own misery. Instead of crying over this exam and this stress, I can rest assured that no matter the outcome of this, God will still love me.

In our ladies Bible study at church yesterday we talked about God being "I Am". He says in the word that He is who He is and that He never changes. He stays the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. We were asked what that meant to us in our lives. Most of the ladies had the same response that I had. It brings me a sort of peace to know that He isn't changing and that He isn't going anywhere.

What does that mean to me? It means that no matter what happens on this test, no matter what it does to my GPA, no matter how high my blood pressure rises, no matter how many little annoying things happen, He is my rock. He will not change. This is a world full of change. There is no real stability that provides comfort. Its a sea of doubt and despair. I will be the first to tell you that there are many times that I get trapped and feel like there's no control over my life, but there is. God, My Father, is in control.

Friends change, family changes, people change, I change. It can get so very messy here, but God, the Great "I Am" is my solid ground. He will bring me through this and He will provide me the peace that I need. I don't deserve it, none of us do, but He grants it to us anyway. Praise be to Our God who was the same yesterday, the same today and will remain the same tomorrow and forever. I will find rest in Him who is unchanging.

Lord, You Never Let Go

There is a song that I continue to listen to every single day that really touches my heart. As I have said in the past, I worship through music. Listening to Christian music and singing praises to the Lord is what keeps me centered on what I am doing with my life. Music impacts each of us in different ways. We all have different tastes but its there, in everything that we do. This song in particular is not a very recent song, but its pretty new to me.

The version that I listen to is sung by a singer who I loved when I was younger. She and her sister had been Christian's but their music moved a little away from that. A couple years ago, the younger of the two broke out on her own and released her first Christian song, which I have talked about before. I was so moved by it that I began to search for more Christian songs by her, and I came across one that is called "You Never Let Go". To better explain how this song effects me, I am going to break it down to the most important part, but feel free to listen to the song yourself.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, Your perfect love is casting out fear And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life, I won't turn back, I know You are near"    
                                    -- This part explains so much about what has been going on in my life and my families lives. There is such unrest happening and it really feels like we are sometimes walking in the Valley of the shadow of death and sometimes I can't find a way out because I'm treading water. The one thing that remains true in my life is that I have a peace in my heart to know that God is always by my side.

"'Cause I will fear no evil, For my God is with me, And if my God is with me, Whom then shall I fear? Oh no, You never let go, Through the calm and through the storm, Oh no, You never let go, In every high and every low, Oh no, You never let go, Lord, You never let go of me yeah!"
                                    -- This part is also so very powerful. There is so much evil around us and it can consume us. We can get trapped in this world and the vast evil that surrounds us. Evil is inevitable because we are human and we ALL sin every single day. Yet no matter what evil we do, or what evil is done to us, God is literally there through the whole storm. He is with us when we are on top of the world and He is with us when we hit rock bottom.

"And I can see a light that is coming, For the heart that holds on, A glorious light beyond all compare, And there will be an end to these troubles, But until that day comes, We'll live to know You here on the earth"
                                 -- I talk a lot about the light in darkness. There are points in my life where I felt that the darkness was more powerful than the light. I was drowning in my own sorrows and of the sorrows that have been brought upon the lives of my family and friends. Even through all the darkness in front of me right now, and all of the stress, and the physical and emotional pain, I have joy in my heart because I see that God's light is still shining so bright, and there is nothing that can be compared to it because there is nothing like it.

There will be an end to these troubles, there will be no more death, no more pain, no more loss, no hate, no more tears, no more broken promises, no more lies, no more searching for something to fulfill yourself. We will be with God one day, but until then, we are living on this earth with one another. We have a chance to know Jesus here and we have the chance to share His love with those around us who may be facing that same darkness.

I am not perfect, there are times when I don't care to see the light of God in my life. However, that light never leaves me. Even when I am angry and turn away, the light of God remains steady. Things won't be peachy here on earth. I have to sit here and wonder if I scare boys away because I am so outspoken about the Lord, but at the same time, if a boy can't handle that, then it means they are one, not right for me, but beside that, they may still be in search of the love of Jesus Christ. I use that example not to complain but to share that there is an everyday battle to get others to love Jesus the way that a lot of us Christians do. It hurts me to think that there are people stuck in this darkness, and can't see the light that is always shining the way for them to go.

I am not saying to go into the light and die, I am saying that when we can see nothing but terrible, consuming darkness, there is still a beautiful, strong light that is at the end of that tunnel. God is there reminding us that there is light and that we have a chance to be that light in our communities. Take a moment and try to shine that light somewhere in your life in the next couple of weeks. If each of us just shines that light to even one person, God can impact so many lives, even if it happens one by one.
The Lord never lets go, ever. He will never, and has never let you go. Find peace in that, because I know that I do.

The song is called "You Never Let Go"- AJ Michalka

Coming Back to the Heart of Worship

It has been a little while since I have posted. I have the same excuses that I always have. School is crazy, I have a million things on my to do list and this isn't one of them. It is something that I really enjoy doing, but it seems like there is no time for this to get done. I have felt led to post and I've even started a few. The feedback has warmed my heart. I just want to thank everyone who reads this. I don't write this as a way to make myself look good, I write this because even when I am a mess, and have done things wrong, I am STILL a child of God. No matter what we do, He loves us and that's the message that I am trying to share.

Something my pastor said in church yesterday really struck me. He was talking about coming back to the heart of worship. He said that we have a tendency to let out minds wander and that actually paying attention and giving our body and mind to God is a really difficult thing. What he didn't know at the time was that I was planning out my grocery list at that exact moment. We have so many things that are going on inside ourselves and in the lives of those around us.

As I sit here, all around me are text books, note cards, notebooks and assignments. In front of me is my to do list that seems like its a mile long. No matter how many things I do, I feel like my list is not getting any shorter. Though I complete things, more things get added. I keep saying that as soon as things calm down I will start to blog more regularly, but this weekend I realized that things are never going to calm down here. I am in the home stretch which means that my professors are going to teach, test, and work to cram everything in before graduation.

Though I accomplish assignments, I feel like I have made little to no time, to worship and pray and read the Word of God. I always say that I am going to do it, and by the time I have some time, its late at night and I want to play games with my roommates. This year I have been all about making it the best year. I haven't had the fun college experience that most people have when they go to college, so this is my chance. However, I realize that I NEED to make time with God. If I don't, no matter how much I knock off my to do list, I really won't be fulfilled.

I am not saying that I have shut God out. I still pray, ALL the time, lets face it, if I didn't I would fall apart. I am saying that I need to set aside time. Time that is uninterrupted and focused on my relationship with Jesus Christ. Without Him, none of this stuff matters. I need to set down my to do list, and shut out all of the drama and sorrow of this world, and spend time with God. The struggle is very real and I am sure that I am not the only one facing this. I am the only one that can make a change to my life, just like you are the only one who can make a change in your life.

To start out small, I am going to spend the next week actively making time in which I can study The Word, spend time in prayer and truly worship the Lord for all of the work that He is doing in my life right now. If you choose to join me, that's great. If you aren't ready, God is always here waiting.

Light Up The Darkness

Yesterday I was sitting in one of my classes. This class is a freshman class (I need it for my minor), full of young adults who are out on their own for the first time. My professor has a very poor view of basically everything except his daughter and his Greek heritage. He has said some pretty outrageous things, but none that bother me as much as what he said yesterday.

He told the class that Christian's believe God sent His only son to save them (referring to Christians) from punishment for their sins, and to take their sorrows away. For the most part what he was saying was true. However, then he said that we (Christians) use that to justify what we do wrong, and that it prevents us from having to take responsibility for our actions. He followed that up by asking why we would ever want someone else to take our sorrows from us. He stated that our sorrows (as if they were an object), belonged to us and no one else could take them from us.

I sat there in a state of shock because of what I had heard. I wasn't angry at him, but I felt kind of bad for him. Watching the way that he talked about the Christian way of life, I noticed that his eyes had some hurt behind them. He acknowledged the fact, that God sent His only son to save us. That statement right there meant that he at the very least knows that Jesus came to save us. All I kept thinking though, was that this man of authority was talking to a group of young adults who are at a very vulnerable place in their lives.

I felt so extremely blessed at that moment because inside of me is the love of Jesus Christ. I get the peace in my heart because I know that no matter what I am facing, God is facing it with me. We are called to give our sorrows to God and I gladly hand them over. I have never seen sorrow as a thing to keep tucked away as my own thing. There is such a relief in turning everything over to God.

God sent His son so that we would be forgiven, it doesn't mean that all of our actions are justified. It also doesn't mean we don't have to take responsibility. We are called to take responsibility and repent for our sins. We are not perfect, we are human which means that we are never going to be perfect. Just because we know the love of Jesus Christ, doesn't mean that we can do whatever we want in His name. We are responsible for our actions and our sins. Christianity is not a get out of jail free card.

I called upon many of my praying friends to pray for this professor, and pray for the students in the class that are listening to what this professor is saying. My heart was so heavy hearing what he has been telling them about God and about having faith. He is a very lost man, and there is something missing in his life. The missing piece is God. Until he gives his life to God, his misery will continue. What good is it to keep your sorrow to yourself. It will just continue to bring misery to your life.

Sometimes I question why I bothered going to a secular school. I wonder why God brought me here. Was it just to hear how bad Christians are, or how hypocritical we are? No, its not. God has to remind me that He brought me here for a reason. Listening to this professor made me realize that my job here is huge. Its a major responsibility but I have to bring God into this school. I need to be the light of Christ in the midst of darkness. The darkness will try to suck us all in, but I have to remain strong and show that God is a God of mercy, He takes away our worry, He takes away our pain AND our sorrows. He sent His one and only son to save us! That my friends is what keeps me from falling apart at this secular school surrounded by non-believers.

I am calling you to pray for that professor, and the students listening to him speak. I am also asking you to pray for the Christians on this campus, because we have a hard job to do. Pray that our light remains prominent and bright in this darkness. There is power in numbers and we can't go another day without sharing our wonderful God.