Pain is something that I have had to deal with for almost my entire life. I hate talking about it because I always feel like I am complaining. I also always remind myself that I am one of the lucky ones who is still living life and walking around. There are people that have way bigger problems than me. Unless those around me suffer with pain the way that I do, it is hard for them to understand what it is like to be this way. For most of this semester my pain has been under control, to the point where I was able to act like a normal healthy individual. The pain was only visible to those that live with me. I had so many problems last year when everyone knew about my pain and my disease, so this year I chose to hide it from everyone.
I wasn't involved in any health or fitness courses this year so there are some professors that don't even know that I am handicapped. When people find out that I am handicapped, some call me a liar and the others see me as weak and helpless. All of that has shaped the way that I live my life here on this campus. Sometimes it is hard to pretend like nothing is wrong with me but God has gotten me through so much and He is the reason that I am here today. A lot of healing had to occur before I could even walk without a limp this year. All of the doctors told me that there was nothing else that they could do for me, but God never said that. This time medicine tried its hardest but God is the above all healer. After everything that has happened to me pain wise, over the past two years, I finally thought I was done and healed.
There was one point this year that I did wish I spoke up about my pain. Something one of my professor's said a few weeks ago has not left my mind. I have shared this with some people but I don't remember how many! We were learning about mental disorders in one of my classes and the professor brought up Fibromyalgia and misinformed my entire class about it. She called it a simple disorder with no proven cause and that it consists of little amounts of pain for small amounts of time. I was outraged but too afraid that if I spoke up about it, people would form negative opinions about me and about others with disabilities. All I kept thinking was that I have so many friends that suffer with this same thing every single day. We battle this disease and really, there are no treatments for it because there are so many symptoms to treat in the first place.
For the past few days my pain level has increased to the point of making me ill. This is such an important time in my life right now because I am supposed to be studying for finals, and I have little sisters who want to play with me, and I have so many commitments and now I have this uncontrollable pain. I did not want to share this with everyone because it makes me feel weak and it stresses me out because I can't stop limping and people are starting to notice. I have gotten so caught up with making sure that no one knew my weakness but now I am not sure that, that was the right thing to do. God gave me strength through my weakness and I have not shared that with others I have hidden it away because I was afraid that I would be labeled by others.
While studying the Word today I came across a verse today that has filled my thoughts.
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9
So here I sit today admitting to you that I am at a very weak point in my life right now. My pain is causing so many problems and it is making me very sick. I have been in prayer pleading for this pain to leave me alone. I have prayed for this pain to just calm down but it hasn't yet. It is effecting my studying and making it hard to focus one what I need to get done. I am weak, but God is strong. Pray for me and pray for others who are feeling weak right now. The next time you feel weak, I challenge you to share that weakness in others and let them watch as God turns your weakness into strength. It takes time and it seems impossible but strength will come. That is all that I can cling to right now as I fight this pain.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
Through a Tiny Voice
With classes behind me, finals are in front of me. Due to the fact that classes were over I was able to stay home an extra day this weekend and help my mom out with the kids. I love being home and I love being up with the kids before they go to school. In order for mom to catch a break this morning and get out of the house, I had to get up way earlier than I wanted to so that I could get the kids ready for school. They are in afternoon kindergarten so I had a lot of time to spend with them and to entertain them. For me, watching the kids and getting them ready is like playing house. For that amount of time that mom isn't home the house gets run under my care. It sounds scary for my mom to leave the house in my care right? Well I can assure you that I run a pretty tight house (I learned from the best). It was sort of like an answer to a prayer that I shared with people last week. I was needed for that time, and I was able to be a part of something bigger than myself. I was able to help someone that I loved and have fun at the same time. That is not really the topic but I figured I would share my answered prayer.
When I am home I love to do art projects with the girls. I have this favorite website that has craft ideas for all of the different seasons, and for all different types of craft materials that you may have laying around. It is focused around the age of my twin sisters so it is my reference whenever I am home. They love doing crafts and I love watching them create and imagine and learn. My mom taught us so much through crafts when we were younger and it was such an effective tool for my other sister and I and it has stuck with me. No matter how much the twins drive me crazy, or misbehave, the second I pull out craft materials something changes in all three of us. They turn off their attitudes, put on a smile and are genuinely excited to see what I have planned. Today both of them were very happy and excited that I was home so I decided to sit down with them and talk while we worked on our puppets and Christmas tree.
As I was telling them about today's project and teaching them how to make the hand-print tree they both got really excited and both said that it was going to be a surprise for mommy. They worked so hard on this little project and when mom called they begged me not to tell her about what we were doing because they wanted to see her face when she got home. While we were waiting for her arrival I was making small talk with one of the twins the other one picked up an ornament that had been sitting on the counter. The ornament was a picture of our baby that we made last year. She picked it up and was looking at it and then turned to me and asked me if I missed the baby.
I was speechless at that point. She asked me again and I turned my attention to her and told her that I missed the baby so much and then I asked her if she missed the baby. While she was answering me I was reaching into a drawer to get something and trying to turn my face away from them so that I didn't cry. When I looked back up, the other twin looked at me and softly said that I looked sad. She proceeded to ask me why I looked so sad. I couldn't believe that she could read my face that well. I was even smiling so that they wouldn't think they said something wrong, but there I stood being read clear as day by a five year old. I told her that I just really wish our baby still lived with us because I missed her so much. Before she could respond to me, the other twin looked at me and said, "Lizzie! It's okay I miss her too, but we will see her again I promise!".
I almost added an I hope so in there but realized that I was talking to a five year old. While I was quickly processing all I thought was that she was five and couldn't make any promises to me because she doesn't understand what has happened or what is happening. While I was thinking negatively, the other twin added in by saying, "Lizzie, it's okay to be sad because we miss her and we love her, and maybe she will come back one day". I completely froze at that point. I didn't say a word and neither did they. I stopped thinking that they were only five, and I stopped pretending like I was teaching them because that whole time, they were really teaching me.
I have been praying and seeking comfort through all of this. Everyone had advice for me and mostly it was that things would get better and that I should look at the good things in life. I was told to look at how lucky I was, and to remember that it was all part of God's plan. While I knew all of that and while I heard every word of it, it was not comforting, in fact it made me feel worse about the way that I have been feeling. Then these two little girls who appear to know so little about the situation but say what I have needed to hear for an entire month. I truly believe that God was working through these two beautiful little girls today in a way that I would have never guessed. I finally heard the words that comforted me and made me feel like it was finally okay for me to be sad and to be upset still.
God will always surprise me with His timing and with the way that He answers me, but I can promise you that He does answer. He is listening and no matter how long it takes don't lose faith because God knows what you need to hear, or what you need to have happening in your life. When you pray, above all, pray with the assurance that He will respond to you. It is hard to wait and it might be painful but look out because God's answer can come in all shapes, sizes and ways. Today I was blessed with comforting words from two people who, until today, did not know how deep my sorrows went. Trust in the Lord because He hears you, and He loves you. Have faith and keep on praying.
When I am home I love to do art projects with the girls. I have this favorite website that has craft ideas for all of the different seasons, and for all different types of craft materials that you may have laying around. It is focused around the age of my twin sisters so it is my reference whenever I am home. They love doing crafts and I love watching them create and imagine and learn. My mom taught us so much through crafts when we were younger and it was such an effective tool for my other sister and I and it has stuck with me. No matter how much the twins drive me crazy, or misbehave, the second I pull out craft materials something changes in all three of us. They turn off their attitudes, put on a smile and are genuinely excited to see what I have planned. Today both of them were very happy and excited that I was home so I decided to sit down with them and talk while we worked on our puppets and Christmas tree.
As I was telling them about today's project and teaching them how to make the hand-print tree they both got really excited and both said that it was going to be a surprise for mommy. They worked so hard on this little project and when mom called they begged me not to tell her about what we were doing because they wanted to see her face when she got home. While we were waiting for her arrival I was making small talk with one of the twins the other one picked up an ornament that had been sitting on the counter. The ornament was a picture of our baby that we made last year. She picked it up and was looking at it and then turned to me and asked me if I missed the baby.
I was speechless at that point. She asked me again and I turned my attention to her and told her that I missed the baby so much and then I asked her if she missed the baby. While she was answering me I was reaching into a drawer to get something and trying to turn my face away from them so that I didn't cry. When I looked back up, the other twin looked at me and softly said that I looked sad. She proceeded to ask me why I looked so sad. I couldn't believe that she could read my face that well. I was even smiling so that they wouldn't think they said something wrong, but there I stood being read clear as day by a five year old. I told her that I just really wish our baby still lived with us because I missed her so much. Before she could respond to me, the other twin looked at me and said, "Lizzie! It's okay I miss her too, but we will see her again I promise!".
I almost added an I hope so in there but realized that I was talking to a five year old. While I was quickly processing all I thought was that she was five and couldn't make any promises to me because she doesn't understand what has happened or what is happening. While I was thinking negatively, the other twin added in by saying, "Lizzie, it's okay to be sad because we miss her and we love her, and maybe she will come back one day". I completely froze at that point. I didn't say a word and neither did they. I stopped thinking that they were only five, and I stopped pretending like I was teaching them because that whole time, they were really teaching me.
I have been praying and seeking comfort through all of this. Everyone had advice for me and mostly it was that things would get better and that I should look at the good things in life. I was told to look at how lucky I was, and to remember that it was all part of God's plan. While I knew all of that and while I heard every word of it, it was not comforting, in fact it made me feel worse about the way that I have been feeling. Then these two little girls who appear to know so little about the situation but say what I have needed to hear for an entire month. I truly believe that God was working through these two beautiful little girls today in a way that I would have never guessed. I finally heard the words that comforted me and made me feel like it was finally okay for me to be sad and to be upset still.
God will always surprise me with His timing and with the way that He answers me, but I can promise you that He does answer. He is listening and no matter how long it takes don't lose faith because God knows what you need to hear, or what you need to have happening in your life. When you pray, above all, pray with the assurance that He will respond to you. It is hard to wait and it might be painful but look out because God's answer can come in all shapes, sizes and ways. Today I was blessed with comforting words from two people who, until today, did not know how deep my sorrows went. Trust in the Lord because He hears you, and He loves you. Have faith and keep on praying.
Friday, December 7, 2012
God's Got Your Back
No matter how bad things get and no matter how stressed out I am God always comes through for me. This is one of the busiest times of year for Christians. Not just at work, or at home but there is a lot going on in the Church as well. It can be one of the most uplifting and tiring times of the year. Looking at the big picture all of my stress is going to be worth it and its just part of growing up. Stress is never going to go away but it is what we do with it that makes the difference. I am the type of person who lets the stress build up and build up until I am overloaded and ready to fall apart. I forget to give all of the little stresses over to God because I feel silly for being stressed out by the little things. He is always willing to take my stress if I am willing to turn it all to Him.
God gives us each the choice to turn things over to Him. He is always watching over us but we have to make the choice whether we let Him help us or if we shut Him out. There have been times this week where I felt like no one was on my side. I felt like if I disappeared this week no one would notice. I am a person who loves to feel needed and I love to help. Support for me is a very important tool that keeps me going in all that I do. I have to feel like what I am saying or what I am writing means something to even just one person. When I let my stress build up and when I let people step all over me, I feel invisible. There are just times where I am not strong enough to share the words that are laying on my heart. I know to you it seems funny that I say that, because I write many thoughts in my posts but sometimes there is more to a story than just what I write.
I have a pretty good relationship with the Lord and He has gotten me through so many things but still in times of trial I bottle it inside almost hoping that if I don't share it with the Lord it will just disappear. That, however, is never the case. The longer that I withhold my stress and my hurt from the Lord, the more time I have to dwell on it and the more damage is done. I know that I preach to others that we all need to turn it over to God right away, but each new situation puts me right back where I started. In time I will learn to do as I say but for now in my walk I am still learning. No matter how many time I mess up and no matter how much I withhold from God before turning it all over, God has my back.
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:28-31
I am exhausted from holding things back and trying to carry my burden of stress, and of pain, and of hurt. I have no strength left to fight off the words that hurt me, I have no strength left to fight the pain that has taken over my body and I have no strength to push through this next mountain that I have to tackle. However, God can. God has the strength to help me offer forgiveness and comfort. God has the strength to heal my pain and God has the strength to move the mountain that I face. I can do nothing alone. The reason that I feel alone is because I am not letting the full love of Christ to fill my emptiness. I have not let Him wipe the tears away and I have not let Him give me peace until now.
God will always have my back and He will always have yours. He is willing and waiting for us to call out His name. He has the strength to fight every single battle that you face. He will never leave us alone to deal with stress and pain and large mountains. Today He has shown me His light one more time and reminded me that He has my back. I am blessed when I do not deserve it. Go throughout this weekend remembering that God has your back to, through everything and at all times. He is ready and willing if you will let Him in.
God gives us each the choice to turn things over to Him. He is always watching over us but we have to make the choice whether we let Him help us or if we shut Him out. There have been times this week where I felt like no one was on my side. I felt like if I disappeared this week no one would notice. I am a person who loves to feel needed and I love to help. Support for me is a very important tool that keeps me going in all that I do. I have to feel like what I am saying or what I am writing means something to even just one person. When I let my stress build up and when I let people step all over me, I feel invisible. There are just times where I am not strong enough to share the words that are laying on my heart. I know to you it seems funny that I say that, because I write many thoughts in my posts but sometimes there is more to a story than just what I write.
I have a pretty good relationship with the Lord and He has gotten me through so many things but still in times of trial I bottle it inside almost hoping that if I don't share it with the Lord it will just disappear. That, however, is never the case. The longer that I withhold my stress and my hurt from the Lord, the more time I have to dwell on it and the more damage is done. I know that I preach to others that we all need to turn it over to God right away, but each new situation puts me right back where I started. In time I will learn to do as I say but for now in my walk I am still learning. No matter how many time I mess up and no matter how much I withhold from God before turning it all over, God has my back.
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:28-31
I am exhausted from holding things back and trying to carry my burden of stress, and of pain, and of hurt. I have no strength left to fight off the words that hurt me, I have no strength left to fight the pain that has taken over my body and I have no strength to push through this next mountain that I have to tackle. However, God can. God has the strength to help me offer forgiveness and comfort. God has the strength to heal my pain and God has the strength to move the mountain that I face. I can do nothing alone. The reason that I feel alone is because I am not letting the full love of Christ to fill my emptiness. I have not let Him wipe the tears away and I have not let Him give me peace until now.
God will always have my back and He will always have yours. He is willing and waiting for us to call out His name. He has the strength to fight every single battle that you face. He will never leave us alone to deal with stress and pain and large mountains. Today He has shown me His light one more time and reminded me that He has my back. I am blessed when I do not deserve it. Go throughout this weekend remembering that God has your back to, through everything and at all times. He is ready and willing if you will let Him in.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Words With Meaning
In school this year I have done pretty well in all of my courses and I felt pretty strong. When I hit the mountain of loss that I felt was impossible to get over, God moved my mountains and healing has begun. It took a lot out of me but I still maintained my grades and my work ethic. I an involved in so many non profit organizations and I love to volunteer during the school year. I have to have a balance of everything or I will go crazy. This is the busiest time of the year for me in all of my volunteer work and in everything that I am involved in at home. This is also finals time here at school. I can do it all, and I was enjoying myself and staying on top of what needed to get done.
Christmas is my outlet and my joy. When I am stressed about getting my work done and making sure that I help whoever needs help during this season, I turn on my Christmas lights and take a breath. I have watched love slip through my fingers a lot this year so I have been clinging to Christmas and the meaning of Christmas. Yesterday that joy and that love was taken from me. After handing back exams in math yesterday my professor decided to give us a speech. I did not do well the second time around on this exam and I was devastated. I spent hours studying and reached out for help but still did not succeed. Rather than just letting me sit and wallow about my grade so that I could get over it, he continued.
He stated that instructors can tell which students focus on their studies at this time of the year, and which students give this their last big effort. He said what separates those successful students from the ones that don't care anymore is the Christmas break and holiday that is coming up. He claimed that there are students who get too excited about the holiday and about spending time with their families that they put in no effort at the end of the semester. Then there are the successful kids who push aside the holidays and family and give school their entire focus. He said that when it came time for this last exam and from the one that we just took, he could tell who was focused and driven and who had given up on the semester.
I sat there in my Christmas outfit, wearing Christmas earings and holding a terrible grade in my hand. I was stunned and hurt. I was told that loving my favorite holiday means that I don't put in effort with my school work or my studying. I cancelled the rest of my plans for the day because if anything else was added to the weight on my shoulders I would burst. It really felt like he stole my joy of Christmas and made me feel like I wasn't giving my exams all I have. I second guessed myself and my love for the holidays. I second guessed my priorities and my responsibilities as a music minestry head, and as a daughter and a sister. I suddenly could not figure out how to play all of those roles at the same time and maintain my grade point average.
It may seem to you that I went over board with my thinking , but for me and for everything that I have lost, Christmas was supposed to be untouchable. It was supposed to be the one thing that kept me going and kept me distracted from my pain, and now I was told that it is interfering with my work. My head was spinning and I couldn't make it stop. I wanted to turn the questions off and study like I was supposed to but the words that my professor spoke were ringing in my head. The tears kept falling and I was on my knees in prayer, but I went to bed still not comforted. For just that moment I lost my sense of love and strength that comes with that love of life.
This morning was interesting because I was still very confused at what I could cling to now and put all my love into other than this holiday. God has shown me so much of His love and I wanted to put that love somewhere and keep it growing. I found some of my answer in the Word.
"But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you." Psalm 5:11
God has given me so many things to love and so many people to love. He shared that love with me yet again with a little blue slip in my mailbox. That slip sent me to the student center where my parents had bought me a finals survival box. Inside were some of my favorite things and a little card that read "While you're thinking about finals, someone is thinking of you". That corny little phrase meant the world to me because God showed me that there is more to school than these finals. This time of year is more than just finals time, and that little card reminded me that I can do it all and that I can balance everything as long as I use the support that God has set up all around me. My professor may have hurt me but yet again God put me back together.
Christmas is my outlet and my joy. When I am stressed about getting my work done and making sure that I help whoever needs help during this season, I turn on my Christmas lights and take a breath. I have watched love slip through my fingers a lot this year so I have been clinging to Christmas and the meaning of Christmas. Yesterday that joy and that love was taken from me. After handing back exams in math yesterday my professor decided to give us a speech. I did not do well the second time around on this exam and I was devastated. I spent hours studying and reached out for help but still did not succeed. Rather than just letting me sit and wallow about my grade so that I could get over it, he continued.
He stated that instructors can tell which students focus on their studies at this time of the year, and which students give this their last big effort. He said what separates those successful students from the ones that don't care anymore is the Christmas break and holiday that is coming up. He claimed that there are students who get too excited about the holiday and about spending time with their families that they put in no effort at the end of the semester. Then there are the successful kids who push aside the holidays and family and give school their entire focus. He said that when it came time for this last exam and from the one that we just took, he could tell who was focused and driven and who had given up on the semester.
I sat there in my Christmas outfit, wearing Christmas earings and holding a terrible grade in my hand. I was stunned and hurt. I was told that loving my favorite holiday means that I don't put in effort with my school work or my studying. I cancelled the rest of my plans for the day because if anything else was added to the weight on my shoulders I would burst. It really felt like he stole my joy of Christmas and made me feel like I wasn't giving my exams all I have. I second guessed myself and my love for the holidays. I second guessed my priorities and my responsibilities as a music minestry head, and as a daughter and a sister. I suddenly could not figure out how to play all of those roles at the same time and maintain my grade point average.
It may seem to you that I went over board with my thinking , but for me and for everything that I have lost, Christmas was supposed to be untouchable. It was supposed to be the one thing that kept me going and kept me distracted from my pain, and now I was told that it is interfering with my work. My head was spinning and I couldn't make it stop. I wanted to turn the questions off and study like I was supposed to but the words that my professor spoke were ringing in my head. The tears kept falling and I was on my knees in prayer, but I went to bed still not comforted. For just that moment I lost my sense of love and strength that comes with that love of life.
This morning was interesting because I was still very confused at what I could cling to now and put all my love into other than this holiday. God has shown me so much of His love and I wanted to put that love somewhere and keep it growing. I found some of my answer in the Word.
"But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you." Psalm 5:11
God has given me so many things to love and so many people to love. He shared that love with me yet again with a little blue slip in my mailbox. That slip sent me to the student center where my parents had bought me a finals survival box. Inside were some of my favorite things and a little card that read "While you're thinking about finals, someone is thinking of you". That corny little phrase meant the world to me because God showed me that there is more to school than these finals. This time of year is more than just finals time, and that little card reminded me that I can do it all and that I can balance everything as long as I use the support that God has set up all around me. My professor may have hurt me but yet again God put me back together.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
The Piece of the Puzzle
I just sat in my class after getting a grade that I didn't like and was told that this is the time of year where students either get better or give up. The professor said that there are students who do well all semester but when Christmas comes around they lose their focus and they are to excited about the holiday season and they tank their final exams. It was kind of like a slap in the face because that is me in a way. With everything that has gone on in the past month I have put my focus on Christmas and on trying to be happy. I am still not sure if that was a message to me from the Lord but it is a message that is stuck in my head.
I have never faced this problem before. I have always been focused and driven to success in school. Christmas was just the cherry on top of my good grades, hard work and effort. This last month has brought me loss, sorrow, anger and emptiness. I have been trying to put the pieces back together by using Christmas as the glue. Now I feel as if I have gotten to the end of the puzzle and realized that I am missing a piece and can't finish it. I focused on being in the Word, and being a good friend, and a support. I have focused on trying to look at the bright side of everything except for this upcoming testing season.
I have never done well on any tests but some how I always pulled through. I have always had to go the extra mile to do well on tests and exams. I am the crazy person who forgets to eat because all I can think about is finishing my note cards. This year for one of my classes that I am having trouble in, before tests and exams I even go to a tutor just so that I can hopefully do well on the tests. However, this is the end of that class and I am not doing as well as I hoped. I can't blame this lack of focus on my loss because I know better than to let that get in the way of my school work, but somehow it did. I lost sight of what I needed to get done.
I want to put my full heart into every single thing that I do but I have worn thin and I realize that its time to choose where my focus needs to be right now but its not an easy thing to do. I am overwhelmed with so many emotions and so many things that I need to accomplish before this year is over. I hate that I cannot do everything that I want to do or that others need me to do. I am the person who loves to help and if I can't even help myself right now I don't know how I can effectively help others. The stress of handling this load is causing me to lose sleep. It is also causing me a lot of physical pain and sickness that won't go away. There are days where I want to stay in bed because I know that when I get up something will remind me that I have no completed what needs to be done. I have not gotten the grade that I wanted, even after I worked harder than I ever had to get that right.
The only thing that has brought me comfort today is this verse from the book of Matthew.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
The only rest that I will find is through the Lord. He is the only one who can keep me focused and give me the tools to make it through this time. The weight of my worries have gotten far to heavy for me and its time that I turn it over to Him. He has a plan for all of this but I was so consumed in everything that has happened, that I forgot that He can lift this weight off of me and help me keep on going.
A thousand thought have filled my head since I heard what my professor said. I needed some sort of direction and I imagine that I am not the only person who has a large load that they are carrying at this time of year. This time of year is a time where we really need to buckle down and not lose focus. I am going to challenge you and I to do something that may serve as a reminder to us. Take a sticky note or a piece of paper and draw a puzzle piece on it and cut the piece out. Then write something that you need to buckle down and focus on in order to complete the puzzle of your busy life. If it is more than one thing than cut out more than one piece. If it works for you spread it and lets give each other the love and support that we need from each other and from the Lord.
I have never faced this problem before. I have always been focused and driven to success in school. Christmas was just the cherry on top of my good grades, hard work and effort. This last month has brought me loss, sorrow, anger and emptiness. I have been trying to put the pieces back together by using Christmas as the glue. Now I feel as if I have gotten to the end of the puzzle and realized that I am missing a piece and can't finish it. I focused on being in the Word, and being a good friend, and a support. I have focused on trying to look at the bright side of everything except for this upcoming testing season.
I have never done well on any tests but some how I always pulled through. I have always had to go the extra mile to do well on tests and exams. I am the crazy person who forgets to eat because all I can think about is finishing my note cards. This year for one of my classes that I am having trouble in, before tests and exams I even go to a tutor just so that I can hopefully do well on the tests. However, this is the end of that class and I am not doing as well as I hoped. I can't blame this lack of focus on my loss because I know better than to let that get in the way of my school work, but somehow it did. I lost sight of what I needed to get done.
I want to put my full heart into every single thing that I do but I have worn thin and I realize that its time to choose where my focus needs to be right now but its not an easy thing to do. I am overwhelmed with so many emotions and so many things that I need to accomplish before this year is over. I hate that I cannot do everything that I want to do or that others need me to do. I am the person who loves to help and if I can't even help myself right now I don't know how I can effectively help others. The stress of handling this load is causing me to lose sleep. It is also causing me a lot of physical pain and sickness that won't go away. There are days where I want to stay in bed because I know that when I get up something will remind me that I have no completed what needs to be done. I have not gotten the grade that I wanted, even after I worked harder than I ever had to get that right.
The only thing that has brought me comfort today is this verse from the book of Matthew.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
The only rest that I will find is through the Lord. He is the only one who can keep me focused and give me the tools to make it through this time. The weight of my worries have gotten far to heavy for me and its time that I turn it over to Him. He has a plan for all of this but I was so consumed in everything that has happened, that I forgot that He can lift this weight off of me and help me keep on going.
A thousand thought have filled my head since I heard what my professor said. I needed some sort of direction and I imagine that I am not the only person who has a large load that they are carrying at this time of year. This time of year is a time where we really need to buckle down and not lose focus. I am going to challenge you and I to do something that may serve as a reminder to us. Take a sticky note or a piece of paper and draw a puzzle piece on it and cut the piece out. Then write something that you need to buckle down and focus on in order to complete the puzzle of your busy life. If it is more than one thing than cut out more than one piece. If it works for you spread it and lets give each other the love and support that we need from each other and from the Lord.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Greatest Self Help Book
We have reached the last week of class in my communication course. We are down to our final presentations before finals week hits us. For this last presentation we were given a month to prepare and converse with out group members. The assignment was to pick one of the self help books that my professor gave us to choose from and read it. There was another class that got to pick books before my class got to pick so by the time my group picked there weren't any interesting books left. Each of my group members and I read the whole book through. We were supposed to analyze it and apply it to our lives. My book was really not applicable and no one in my group agreed with it.
Today three groups presented. We presented ours and then there was one book presented on about being a perfectionist and how to deal with that in your life. It supposedly helped out with people who have OCD as well. The other group presented a book about repairing relationships with your parents. This talked about family strife that put a wall up between kids/ adults and their parents. Both of those groups said that they would reccomend the books that they read because they really did help them.
This assignment really got me thinking about self help books in general. There are so many out there and there are some for every type of problem that someone might have. People spend hundreds of dollars and hours reading and following what these books tell them to in hopes that they will be helped or learn something that will change their lives. Self help books are there own genre in book stores and libraries. I myself have bought some and began reading them but got bored. The thought of using a self help book to make myself better never bothered me until now.
I am kind of angry with myself for thinking that I could find answers to my life questions through a silly book that was written by some person who may or may not know what they are talking about. I was out there searching for help when the best and only real self help book sat on my nightstand. God has given us the very best self help book and (just to clarify) it's the Bible.
Think about it this way, if you had a problem with your taxes, and it was stressing you out and you needed answers who would you go to? Are you going to turn to the toddler that is running around your house and ask them to fix your tax problems? No (at least I hope not)! You are going to go to someone who knows exactly what the problem is and is able to fix it for you. So to put it back in God terms, are you going to search for some author (the toddler in this situation), or are you going to ask for help from the person who knows it all, from the person who made you. I am not telling you that you are sinning for reading a self help book but just remember that you have answers if you just look for them or ask for them.
He has made this promise to us:
"Ask the Lord for rain in the springtime; it is the Lord who sends the thunderstorms. He gives showers of rain to all people, and plants of the field to everyone" Zechariah 10:1
Over and over we read that the Lord says if we seek in His name we shall find what it is that we were looking for. He will give us what we need and be our help.
The next time that you go into a book store and reach for a self help book I challenge you to stop and rather than stand in that section find the religion section and open a Bible (The Holy Bible). Look for your help in the word of the Lord. He had that book written for a reason and over time we learn some of the reasons that He gave us that book. I am not saying that we should all look at the Bible as if it were just a self help book but the Bible is so many things to us at different times in our lives. It is our road map, our comfort, our wisdom, our instruction manual on life and a self help book. It is the word of God and we can all benefit and learn from this amazing book. The only self help book at we really need is the Bible.
Today three groups presented. We presented ours and then there was one book presented on about being a perfectionist and how to deal with that in your life. It supposedly helped out with people who have OCD as well. The other group presented a book about repairing relationships with your parents. This talked about family strife that put a wall up between kids/ adults and their parents. Both of those groups said that they would reccomend the books that they read because they really did help them.
This assignment really got me thinking about self help books in general. There are so many out there and there are some for every type of problem that someone might have. People spend hundreds of dollars and hours reading and following what these books tell them to in hopes that they will be helped or learn something that will change their lives. Self help books are there own genre in book stores and libraries. I myself have bought some and began reading them but got bored. The thought of using a self help book to make myself better never bothered me until now.
I am kind of angry with myself for thinking that I could find answers to my life questions through a silly book that was written by some person who may or may not know what they are talking about. I was out there searching for help when the best and only real self help book sat on my nightstand. God has given us the very best self help book and (just to clarify) it's the Bible.
Think about it this way, if you had a problem with your taxes, and it was stressing you out and you needed answers who would you go to? Are you going to turn to the toddler that is running around your house and ask them to fix your tax problems? No (at least I hope not)! You are going to go to someone who knows exactly what the problem is and is able to fix it for you. So to put it back in God terms, are you going to search for some author (the toddler in this situation), or are you going to ask for help from the person who knows it all, from the person who made you. I am not telling you that you are sinning for reading a self help book but just remember that you have answers if you just look for them or ask for them.
He has made this promise to us:
"Ask the Lord for rain in the springtime; it is the Lord who sends the thunderstorms. He gives showers of rain to all people, and plants of the field to everyone" Zechariah 10:1
Over and over we read that the Lord says if we seek in His name we shall find what it is that we were looking for. He will give us what we need and be our help.
The next time that you go into a book store and reach for a self help book I challenge you to stop and rather than stand in that section find the religion section and open a Bible (The Holy Bible). Look for your help in the word of the Lord. He had that book written for a reason and over time we learn some of the reasons that He gave us that book. I am not saying that we should all look at the Bible as if it were just a self help book but the Bible is so many things to us at different times in our lives. It is our road map, our comfort, our wisdom, our instruction manual on life and a self help book. It is the word of God and we can all benefit and learn from this amazing book. The only self help book at we really need is the Bible.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Decorating Joy
I love the holiday season. Anyone who knows me knows how much joy it brings me and how uplifting the Christmas season can really be. I go all out for this holiday season, I honestly deck the halls. Some of you may be thinking that Christmas is not about how many lights you have up, or how many decorations you can hang up. You may also think that I overdo everything about this season. I mean I wear twenty five different Christmas outfits in the month of December. I sound a little (sometimes more) crazy for decorating every tissue box, door, frame, bed, lights and many other things. I know exactly what this holiday is really about but I go about it a little differently in the days leading up to that special night than others.
I have believed in Santa my entire life and when I found out who puts the gifts under the tree I didn't care. I know that some believers think that kids idolize Santa at Christmas time which is completely against our belief system but there is a way to teach about Santa without making him more important than the Lord. My parents never out right said that Santa was below God but in our house, but we were taught that Santa is just part of the holiday, while Jesus is the meaning, and the reason for this holiday. I remember that I always pictured Santa being one of God's angels. While other kids thought that the elves were Santa's helpers I ignored the elves because I believed that Santa was one of God's helpers.
Now, every time I put a decoration up, whether it be a stocking, a sticker, the tree, or an ornament, I thank God. Every time I look around my room and my home, or my church I feel so blessed. Something as small as a mini stocking fills me with joy and the love of Christ. Without Him there would be no reason for me to celebrate. This holiday makes me so happy because this is when we got the greatest gift that could have ever been given to us. There are people in countries who believe in Christ but they are not allowed to show it, a lot of them have to hide out because if they become known believers they and their families will be killed. They too have the love of Christ but they can't celebrate the way that we can. They cannot be filled with joy every time they see a Christmas tree (if they can even find one).
You all know that I have been struggling for the past month. I have watched all of my joy and hope slip through my fingers like sand. I stand firm in my faith but the sorrow lingers. This holiday season for me is a chance at finding that joy again. I came across a verse today that gave me chills while I read it.
"So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." John 16:22
God has promised me joy, and just reading those words and thinking about how happy the holiday season makes me I realized that maybe this is my joy. This is my reminder to rejoice in the Lord and rejoice in my life. God will bring me joy and I am beyond ready for it to come.
So I challenge you to stop treating this holiday as if it were another annoying, worldly event. We have the chance to make this holiday be what it is supposed to be about. Do not judge those who decorate like there's no tomorrow because while you sit there and make comments about them, you are filled with unpleasantness while they are filled with joy. If you have the joy of Christmas and the joy of the Lord inside of you use this holiday season to spread this joy. We are so blessed to be able to decorate and to be able to spread the word of the Lord. Please be joyous this season. We all need some joy and this is a great time to find your joy. Today and the rest of this season, I want you to look at every Christmas decoration that you have up and stop for a moment and give thanks to the Lord for everything He has done in your life.
I have believed in Santa my entire life and when I found out who puts the gifts under the tree I didn't care. I know that some believers think that kids idolize Santa at Christmas time which is completely against our belief system but there is a way to teach about Santa without making him more important than the Lord. My parents never out right said that Santa was below God but in our house, but we were taught that Santa is just part of the holiday, while Jesus is the meaning, and the reason for this holiday. I remember that I always pictured Santa being one of God's angels. While other kids thought that the elves were Santa's helpers I ignored the elves because I believed that Santa was one of God's helpers.
Now, every time I put a decoration up, whether it be a stocking, a sticker, the tree, or an ornament, I thank God. Every time I look around my room and my home, or my church I feel so blessed. Something as small as a mini stocking fills me with joy and the love of Christ. Without Him there would be no reason for me to celebrate. This holiday makes me so happy because this is when we got the greatest gift that could have ever been given to us. There are people in countries who believe in Christ but they are not allowed to show it, a lot of them have to hide out because if they become known believers they and their families will be killed. They too have the love of Christ but they can't celebrate the way that we can. They cannot be filled with joy every time they see a Christmas tree (if they can even find one).
You all know that I have been struggling for the past month. I have watched all of my joy and hope slip through my fingers like sand. I stand firm in my faith but the sorrow lingers. This holiday season for me is a chance at finding that joy again. I came across a verse today that gave me chills while I read it.
"So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." John 16:22
God has promised me joy, and just reading those words and thinking about how happy the holiday season makes me I realized that maybe this is my joy. This is my reminder to rejoice in the Lord and rejoice in my life. God will bring me joy and I am beyond ready for it to come.
So I challenge you to stop treating this holiday as if it were another annoying, worldly event. We have the chance to make this holiday be what it is supposed to be about. Do not judge those who decorate like there's no tomorrow because while you sit there and make comments about them, you are filled with unpleasantness while they are filled with joy. If you have the joy of Christmas and the joy of the Lord inside of you use this holiday season to spread this joy. We are so blessed to be able to decorate and to be able to spread the word of the Lord. Please be joyous this season. We all need some joy and this is a great time to find your joy. Today and the rest of this season, I want you to look at every Christmas decoration that you have up and stop for a moment and give thanks to the Lord for everything He has done in your life.
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