Walking the Line

I will be entering my senior year in about a month. It is a scary thought to me because it means I have to figure out what to do with my life. More so than that, I have started becoming anxious about entering back into a secular school. I have gone to secular schools my whole life and it has never really been a problem, but this year is different. During this past summer, I spent a great deal of my time in the company of Christians. It has been an amazing summer, full of praise and worship.

When I go back to school I will be taken out of my group of Christian ladies and thrown back into the real world. My heart has been set on fire for Christ this summer. When things became stressful, or trying, my group of Christian friends were always by my side ready to set me straight on the path again. At school, I am one of few Christians. Some say that it is to be expected because I did not choose to go to a Christian school, but when it came down to school choices God brought me to Eastern.

In talking with someone today, I expressed my worries about the school year. I have some really difficult classes that are going to be both emotionally and physically taxing. This amazing Christian woman explained to me something that she had heard while listening to a devotional. She said that as Christians we walk on a line. If we walk on one side, we are completely engulfed in a world of Christians. We worship and fellowship together and its fulfilling but no one outside of that group finds you "normal".

However, if you are on the other side of that line, you are completely engulfed in the world. So much so, that people can't tell that you are a Christian because you are too much like the world. So basically you walk a very fine line. It would be nice for me to completely surround myself with other believers, but then I wouldn't really be doing God's work. Our job as Christians is to make sure that every person we can reach, knows the love of Christ and what He has done in our lives.

I had to stop and think about that for a moment. Though I am not fully surrounded by Christians at school, I know that they are supporting me in prayer. I have to be strong in my faith and share the love of Christ. We have been called upon to spread the gospel and help bring others to Christ. We cannot isolate ourselves among each other because we have a greater job to do.

This conversation today, though it lasted only minutes, gave me a new understanding of my purpose at Eastern. I challenge you to look at your life right now and figure out why God has you placed where you are. If you get discouraged, remember that God has a plan for you and that we are called to share the good news that Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior and that we will only get to heaven through Him.

We Are God's Creation

In an imperfect world, full of disappointments, and mistakes. It is easy to be caught up in the troubles of the world. I myself get trapped in the cycle of negativity. I have told you that I have gotten caught up in negativity before. Sometimes I am left to wonder whether there is good in this world. I watch as people hurt themselves, hurt each other, lose children, have loved ones pass away too soon and people who are just down on their "luck". I really have to take a step back and look around this earth, because there has to be good here.

This same place, that brings us fear, loss, pain and so much more, was created by our God. His plan wasn't to make this place so miserable, we are the ones who made it that way. We took that perfection away. So now we live in imperfection, but we have to remember that God is all around us. I am not a person who likes to think positively. I have found that when I think positively things turn out bad and I am always disappointed. I pray and pray and pray for things that I want to happen and then nothing happens. I want things done in my time in my way.

It's not just the world that we criticize negatively. I know that for myself, there are a lot of times where I look at myself in the mirror and am ready to change everything about the way that I look. People get annoyed with me for saying that I want to lose weight but in my head I have a picture of the body that I used to have and the body that I desire. So I push myself to look better. Then I think about my knee and the fact that all of the trouble it caused, really damaged my body. I have hidden the inside of my legs for years now because after the surgery I got these weird dark purple stretch marks that go all the way down to my knees.

There were times that I hated my body so much that all I wanted to do was wear sweatpants so that no one could see the imperfection. On top of that all, I have a skin disorder that covers me head to toe. I was bullied for years about it. I am not the only person who does this to myself. I have talked to others that also criticize their bodies. However, its time that we stop and think that what we are criticizing is a work that God created. He crafted us each in His image, with His hands. Before we were even a thought in our parents mind, we were being created by God. We may hate the earth, we may hate our bodies, we may hate everything in life, but lets remember that everything we hate so much, was created by the Lord.

When my uncle passed away a couple months ago, my littlest sisters had a hard time understanding why someone could get so sick living here. When my mom and dad explained (in a kid friendly way), what death and life are, the kids grew concerned. They did not understand why God made us, and yet we still get sick. Then they asked about heaven, and they now know that in heaven we will be perfect again. They still struggle at times (they are only seven) to understand why there is hurt in this world.

What do you explain to a child? Well here it goes (my version anyway), God created the sky, he created the pretty grass, he created the ocean that we love to swim in. He created you, he created the ones you love and he created me. When we pull ourselves out of the negative aspects of the world, you can start to see that there is real beauty here and that God didn't mean for us to be miserable. Good things come to those who wait (yes its cliché), so pray and start to look for things around you that are special to you and know that those are all a gift from God.

Let's Forgive

There are people in my life who have build me up. However, I also have a number of people who would do anything they could to break me down. In my heart, I know that it is really Satan working in my life playing on my fears, and my vulnerabilities. We all have people that we like and people who we don't like, just like we have people that like us and people who don't like us. It's a part of the life that we live while we are on this earth in a world of sinners, including ourselves.

I personally have tendency to hold a lot of bitterness inside myself. I don't trust many people, because they haven't given me a reason to trust them. I bottle things up and just when I think I have pushed something away, it pops right back up. My way of taking care of my bitterness is to push it aside and try to ignore it. I don't like people to see my bitterness but I have been told that I do not have a poker face, therefore almost everyone can see what I am thinking.

There was a time in my life where a group of adults hurt me. Not only emotionally but spiritually. I went through a time where all I did was ask God why that was happening to me. I had been a believer at that point and had been for years, but I was still learning. I couldn't see that it was Satan slipping in where he didn't belong and destroying things. To this day, I still struggle with those memories because they did change my life forever. When we go through something, whether its good or bad, it changes our lives.

The people that hurt me during that time have moved on with their lives but even talking about it makes me angry all over again. I cannot get my head around the fact that they were all able to move on while I am still stuck in the past, bitter, hurt and angry. These feelings come and go, but when they come I am ready to fight and stand up for myself because that's not something I could do when the incident happened.

In talking with my mom, she helped me realize that the problem isn't the fact that no one ever apologized to me, the problem is that I never brought myself to forgive them. A person that hurt me all those years ago has re-entered my life. I have been very negative about it, but that's a real problem because I cannot continue to hold that person responsible for what an entire group did, nor can I continue to hold it against this person when they have moved on.

I am saying all of this because forgiving someone after I have built up such resentment and bitterness, is not something that I can do over night. However, its not something that I can put off any longer. If God held everything I have ever said or done against me, my life would be terribly miserable. We were all forgiven at one time or another so its time that I do the same. If there is something in your life that you have been holding a grudge against, or someone you have never forgiven, pray with me this week and no matter how long it takes, we cannot give up until we give it over to God and forgive, just as we are forgiven.

Heart For Giving

What another super busy day. I had a big long list of things to do and places to be. What's funny is that my pastor just talked about spreading ourselves too thin. Others have told me that I have a tendency to do that, but as I say, like mother like daughter. My mom is a power house, if someone needs something done she does it. For my entire life I have watched her reach out and help every single person that she could. Even when our resources were getting low she always found a way to push on and move forward. I want to say that I have some of those qualities too. I don't see them as spreading too thin, because these things are what our lives are wrapped around.

My major in college is communication. I chose that field because I love all of the aspects that are under that field. I don't have one certain thing that is my focus because I love doing it all. I have volunteered for non profits from the moment that I was old enough to do something. My mom taught me the value of service. In doing so, I have realized that both her love language and mine are through giving and listening. People have always found their way to us when they have something heavy on their hearts. I feel love pouring in when someone trusts me enough to pour out their heart.

The other way that we show love is through giving. I am not a person who hugs my siblings to feel close to them. That has caused many problems in the past with people looking in on my family, but I show them love through giving. Whether that's time and service or driving them to school. With my mom, she is always buying things for other people. Even when money is tight, she finds a way to do it anyway. It is both a love language and one of her spiritual gifts.

Somehow, no matter how much we are struggling, there is always enough for us to serve others. I said earlier that it seems like we are spreading ourselves too thin. In a way I guess that we are spreading ourselves but it is so fulfilling knowing that our God will provide for us. I feel blessed for having the opportunity to give and to love through giving of gifts and service.

I trust that my God will always provide. Even though I get worn out, He gives me the strength to do what I love and show love.

Women of Christ

If you haven't noticed, I did not post a blog yesterday. Yes I know I didn't but I was fellowshipping. I had the opportunity to spend time with a group of lovely women. A large group of ladies, myself included went to something called a Woman's Sanity Night. It was put on by another local church. It was anything but a sane event. It was wild, wonderful and fulfilling. However, the only draw back was that it got over around 10:30pm. By the time we arrived home I attempted to drag out my computer but sleep was calling my name.

Growing up in my church, there were always kids that were younger than me, and kids that were older than me. For the most part, I was accepted into both age groups, but I ended up either being young than, and behind a group of kids, or I was older than, and ahead of the group of kids. By ahead and behind I mean that I was in a higher or lower grade then the kids/ youth. I found my group of friends and I loved/love them dearly but when it came down to certain problems, there was never anyone that could understand what it was like going through those problems.

So I grew up and turned eighteen. Went off to school and made some friends/ It wasn't the same though, because the friends that I made at school were non-believers. I longed to have a connection with a group of believers, where I was their equal. A group of ladies at the church attempted to include me in their circle as well because I was finally an adult, but it was still awkward and I still felt out of place.

People have come and gone from our church. I miss the relationships that I had with those who have left, but the feelings of outsiderness (that's not really a word) never really changed. Then it happened, the church which consisted of about five families began to grow. It happened slowly but it happened. Our group of ladies in the church grew and grew. Most of these women met me after I was an adult so they never had to look at me as a child. Still sometimes I find that because I look so young, people tend to figure that I am not an adult, but not these ladies.

Our group has grown into a beautiful sisterhood in Christ. I have come to know and love the women of Gallup Hill Baptist Church (not that the men and children great too). Though most of these women are moms, and I am not, they treat me as their equal. In their eyes I am an adult. There is this respect that I have never really received. I am in awe of how much prayer really works. It took longer than I had wanted it too, but that's because I wanted my life to follow my plan. I am so beyond thrilled to see this change in my life. Though I am younger than almost all of the women, it doesn't feel that way. I feel like I am their equal. I look up to these women because they are true women of God.

I am so blessed to be able to call myself one of the Women of Gallup Hill Baptist Church. We are on fire for Christ. We have become a family, and a support system that catches you when you are falling. I give the glory to God and I want every woman to know that they have the opportunity to join us because we leave NO one out. I thank God for this time in my life where I can grow and learn from other Godly women!

We Believe!

Wow, I can't believe this day is finally over. From the moment that I woke up, we were on the go doing so many things. I have to say though, that its way better than the reality that will hit at the end of August when we go back to school. I must apologize that I got not one, not two, but three of my little sisters sick. The apology comes because when they are sick the world becomes a pit of despair all around them. I praise God today though because I am finally feeling better. The best part was that I was well enough to sing praises to the Lord without coughing up a storm.

Tonight was the second night of our new worship team rehearsal. I have to say that God was roaring like a lion through the voices of many Christians tonight. It is such a blessing to be singing along side of strong Christian people. Though I am the "co-leader" I sit and learn from the two pastors that are singing with me. I have to say that I am pretty blessed to be in their company. This experience has not been an easy one in the past but we are rejoicing with God that things are looking up and getting better.

I introduced a song to the team that I have mentioned on this blog before, but its a song that has really touched my life. I was nervous about sharing it since this song means so much to me but their reactions were all positive. The song is called "We Believe". I am a person who worships through song. The lyrics to this song have a very strong meaning not only to me but to other believers. They encompass all of the things that we believe as Christians.

To understand my thought process regarding this song, I feel that one, you should listen to it, and two that I should share some of the lyrics.

"We believe in God the Father
We believe in Jesus Christ
We believe in the Holy Spirit
And He's given us new life
We believe in the crucifixion
We believe that He conquered death
We believe in the resurrection
And He's comin' back again, we believe"

These are the fundamental things that set us apart from non-believers. We believe that Jesus saved us from being punished for our sins. We may some of this aside in our daily lives but we really can't. If it weren't for God sending His only son, we would be paying the price for our sins already. He SAVED our lives, whether you believe it or not, He did it. He gave us a second chance starting the second that we are born. We are born again when we accept Christ and we are washed clean. That's what the lyrics describe.

The second part of those lyrics say that we believe He was crucified. Jesus hung on a cross, bloody and beaten so that we would not have to suffer that pain. God gave us His son to take that pain from us. That pain was real and there is no denying it happened. Again its easy to forget because it happened a long time ago, but we cannot forget it because we would have suffered that if Jesus hadn't died there.

Not only did Jesus die that painful death on the cross, but He defied everything that the adversary brought against Him. He rose from that grave and He was resurrected! Three days after His brutal death He came back again. He didn't come back to condemn us for what we (humans) did to Him, He came back to let us know again, that we were saved by the grace of God alone and nothing else.

Finally, we know that one day He will come back for us. This is not something that I like to think about or talk about. I have to admit that this part still really scares me. However, I know that its true. God will be coming back to save us yet again. I fear death but He isn't coming to bring death upon us, He is coming to take us to heaven to be with Him. We have no idea what the time frame for that is, but it will happen.

So the next time someone asks you what you believe you tell them. I believe that we were saved. I know that we were saved and that God is our ruler and that He will one day come back and save us from this broken world. We believe that one day we will be in heaven, at the right hand throne of God our father and our savior.

Words

In our house, we have a family of full of therapeutic children. This means that they come from a variety of backgrounds, but they are children non the less. For the beginning parts of their lives they have been raised in chaotic, violent or neglectful homes. Each child that enters has had a different set of rules, a different way of doing things and a different set of behaviors. Coming into a family that is established with rules and standards of living must be hard. One of the things that I have noticed most, are the way that they speak to authority figures and people that are taking care of them.

For our kids, spewing hate was a regular thing for them growing up. They were only three and a half when we got them, but they were sponges. Their behavior really started showing more recently as they have gotten older. When I was growing up, the word Hate was never used. As we got older I have to say that used the word Hate more than I was supposed to. I tried to only use it when I hated certain things, but I will admit I have said it about a person before. The guilt almost killed me but I can't pretend that I didn't do it.

No matter how mad I made my parents, they never once said that they hated me. No matter how mad I got that them, I never said I hated them because that would be a complete lie. I may not have always liked what they did or how they handled my situations but I cant love them any less. However, the kids that enter our home have been told that they were hated. They have heard so much hate spewing from the mouths of those that were supposed to take care of them.

I get so frustrated when I hear the kids saying rude things to our parents because that's not how I was raised. We have tried to teach them that they have to be careful with words but they can't seem to understand. I get so angry at them when they spew their hateful words and I often want to spit them right back because they are so hurtful but then I try to remember that they were raised differently. They were not raised with the Lord in their hearts.

My parents are God loving, God fearing people who have chosen to take care of children that no one else wanted. When we signed up we did not sign up thinking that we could fix the kids. I have tried to change them and make them understand that words are powerful. God has said it time and time again in the Word. The tongue is a two edged sword. I have been so worried about the awful words that come out of the kids mouths, that I haven't paid attention to myself.

No matter what he words are, if they are meant for harm, they are sin. I think we can all say that no matter where we came from, we say things that we don't mean, and we say things that hurt others. We may not mean to say them, but its just like we tell the kids, once you say them you can't take them back. Lucky for us, we have a God that is forgiving. We have to remember that words can hurt and that saying things to hurt others is not okay and it's not how God created us to be.

It's like the song by Hawk Nelson, words can build you up and words can break you down. So lets stop and think before we speak because bringing people down is not how we should act. For those children who came from rough backgrounds, its our job to show them the love of Christ even when they don't show that love back to you.