When Does It Stop Lord?

After being in the hospital for a week, and having a second surgery, things were looking up. I went to the doctor last week, and things looked pretty good. I started physical therapy the other day, and it hurt but it went well. Today I praised God because I was able to climb out of the car all by myself, and climb onto my bed. I was very excited to see the first signs of progress. A good friend of mine came over tonight and things were going well. I was able to interact without sleeping and for all of today I really hadn't taken my heavy pain killers. I thought that my testimony found its happy ending..... but oh, how wrong I was.

The Lord must have more in store for me. Today I got my stitches out after them being in for two weeks. Everything looked kind of messy and bruised but for the most part alright. We also were watching a three month old baby for the day. God answered a pray for me there. I was able to hold her, and rock her. I felt like someone needed my help! It was an amazing feeling to have after all of this. I talked to an old friend today, and worked on yearbook. I felt that God was helping me get everything back on track.

Then when my sister got home from school she wanted to see my knee, and I figured that it was harmless with the new brace. When I pulled back the ace wrap, there was a lot of blood, and it was different colors and the hole was huge. I am repulsed by it still. My mom put a large bandaid over it, and when we went to change it, it was right over my other partially healed hole, and it pulled some glue off of the end of the large incision. Sometimes I feel like I just can't win. I am in a lot of pain right now and I want to curl up and cry. I have prayed, I have gone to doctors, but my body won't cooperate.

I found a verse that the Lord definitely led me to. "When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days, you will return to the Lord your God and obey Him." Deuteronomy 4:30. If I am in a large amount of pain, and forget to turn to the Lord like we all have done, He doesn't leave, He waits for you to turn back to Him. It was a comfort to me as I received more bad news. Tomorrow is a new day and a new chance to fix my knee. I have to keep going because God will get me through this new patch in the storm.

Listen To Me.

Lately I feel like no one is listening to me. I don't know if they haven't listened to me from the start or if this is just because I'm stuck in bed all the time. I told the doctor that something was wrong way before my emergency room visit, and he ignored me and made me wait, and now look at me. Then I told my sister not to date a boy that asked her out because he wasn't right for her, and she went along and told him they were dating, mom found out and my sister had to break his heart. If she had listened that poor boy would be fine right now. Any leadership position that I held before I had surgery, is now a joke. No one (I'm exaggerating) is listening and it's frustrating. I'm sure that at one point you have felt this way, ignored and disrespected.

When I was thinking about how upset I was over this, I realized that God tells me what I am supposed to do, all the time, and I don't always listen. Think about it in your life. You wanted to go to that certain place, but inside you knew something was wrong. You knew that your wants were not those of a follower of Christ. If you're like me, you end up in awful situations that could have been avoided if you had listened to God. When people don't listen to me, I get angry, and I don't want to give them another chance when they come to me for help. They ignore me once and I try to rid myself of them. When the anger subsides I realize that I'm wrong, usually.

We are very blessed that the Lord does not turn away from us when we ignore Him. He waits for you to turn around and reach out to Him for help. He has a plan for every single one of us already, but at times we try to take that into our own hands and do what we want. Everything that God is telling us is keeping us on our path. When we hurt, the Lord hurts. He is not there to make sure that you never get to do what you want. He is guiding you.

I know that I will continue to listen to myself and ignore His commands, but I hope that if I think about it, I will remember how it feels when I am ignored. You cant too. Next time you feel the Lord calling, do what He wants you to do. You may find that the outcome is one you actually enjoy. Our God is amazing! No matter how many people ignore you, the Lord is ALWAYS listening to you. If you take nothing else but that from this post, then you will be alright.

Living With Regrets.

Many people walk around regretting past events, or broken relationships. It leaves you always living in the what if land. What if you hadn't said that to that person, what if you made more of an effort. You get pulled down by everything that you can't control anymore. When something bad happens to us, we need time to heal, and bring ourselves together to move on. You cannot dwell over what has already happened, you look toward the future, and what is in front of you right now. God is always working in your life. When you make a mistake, give it to God and He will use that in your life.

The one thing I truely understand is that God will always be there. Even though I only see rain now, eventually the storm will clear and I will find the rainbow. Sometimes you feel God telling you not to say that one thing you want to say, or do something not pleasing to Him, but you do it anyway. Typically when I follow what I want and not what God wants, I find myself backed up against a wall, but no matter how badly I have messed up God is there with an outstretched arm waiting for me.

I have this, lets call it a problem. In my heart I always feel the need to explain everything I feel. Sometimes when I pour my heart out, the person who is listening sees me in a new light, or they see something in my life that gives them hope in their lives. Then there are times like right now, where I explain what I am feeling, or let someone know the truth, they run. I know that I can be blunt and I sound angry and mean, but in my head, I just want them to see what I see. In that case, I am left hurt and angry with myself for speaking when I should have remained silent.

God is watching all of this happen in my life and most of it is part of His plan for my life. When I fall off the path He holds out His hand to help me back on. I use that analogy often because that is how I picture what He does for me when I make mistakes. I give it all to the Lord and He takes a bad situation in my life, and turns it into something good. Sometimes my mistakes become a testimony for those finding themselves in the same situation. Other times it is a reminder to me that God is always there no matter what.

So when you are stuck with a dark cloud over your head, search for the light and cling to it. Do not regret anything, because everything that has happened to you, led up to who you are today. They say that "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger", and in a way they are true, with God you are made stronger even when you think that you are too weak. I do not regret what has happened to me, sometimes I wish maybe I listened to the Lord in the first place, but the fact of the matter is, I didn't. Let go of regrets, and give them to God. Look at your past and see where God has changed bad into good. God gave you life, so don't live regretting what you can't change.

When Disaster Strikes, Turn to God.

While most of us were sleeping last night, Japan was struck by multiple disasters. When I woke up I watched the news, and saw so much devastation from an earthquake in Japan. Throughout the day, there were news updates. At one point there was a state of emergency for the outer parts of California, Oregon and Washington. Everyone was told to move inward, and get away from the shoreline. Reporters got interviews from crying women as they tried to hurry and gather together what they could, and leave. While the United States waited for the Tsunami to strike, Japan was trying to clean up the mess that was left from both the earthquake and the tsunami.

This is another catastrophic event happening in this world. The television screnes are filled with trees torn from their roots and laying on top of homes that were being carried away by water. The death tole is still increasing. There is fear, and helplessness. When a natural disaster strikes we cannot send over our troops to fix it. God's beautiful creation's are destroying homes and taking lives.

Some people look at this, and ask the Lord why He is letting everything they own, be destroyed. It is hard to praise the Lord when your world is falling apart. It is a scary time, that I myself cannot imagine. It gets scarier when you shut God out and blame everything on Him. It is easy to blame Him, these are, after all, His creations, but we need to turn to God in times of crisis. It is dificult to see when there is so much destruction in front of you, but when everything is falling apart, God is there, steady as a rock. He will use every situation and make something good come out of it. It may not happen in the time span that we want, but it will happen.

Even if you weren't affected by this, we as Christians feel led to lend a hand somehow. When all those affected are in the middle of this, they may forget to pray. The easiest way that we can help them is through our prayers. The Lord is listening. We may have more strength than them right now, therefore we lift them up. Very soon they are going to need physical help too. I challenge you to pray, and listen to the Lord, and if He is telling you to go over there and help, then go.

Everything is dark and scary right now, but God will get everyone through this. Eventually together the destroyed country of Japan, and the destruction over here, will be fixed. In order to get there, we need to at least take a step forward, and pray. Nothing is impossible with God. Fixing this mess is not impossible, it will just take time.

The Answer is in The Word.

Yesterday , someone posted this quote as their status. The person is someone that I respect. She is an amazing Christian women. Other Christian role models of mine, "liked" that status, so I read it. It made me uncomfortable and I disagreed with it. I wanted to ask where that came from, but I felt that it was rude to question the opinion of an adult. She posted the man's name who said the quote, and I went to Google and searched his name. When I did that a website called "The Way of the Master" came up. Along with that title, it said that it was run by Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron. I absolutely love Kirk Cameron and have always thought highly of him as a Christian.

After reading more into the site, there was more that I disagreed with. They were talking about evangelism, and how we need to get out there and share the name of the Lord with everyone, but the way they said to do it was against what I have learned. I wanted to get the opinion of other Christian adults but I felt like that was also rude.

The quote was, "Many Christians will not witness unless they sense the Spirit of God prompting them to speak to a particular person. I'm not that spiritual. I share my faith whenever and wherever possible. As far as I'm concerned, the starting gun went off 2,000 years ago with a loud, "Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature"... (Mark 16:15). My conscience continually prompts me to speak" - Ray Comfort.

I have been taught that in everything we do, we go to the Lord and allow Him to speak through us. This quote, and the  website stress that we need to just let our conscious share the message that we already know. I agree that it is good to share your faith whenever and wherever you can, but you need to make sure that the spirit is in you and with you as you do so. If we just let our conscience prompt us to tell the message that we repeatedly say, to everyone, eventually it will become a routine. Like putting on socks, it will become just another random part of your day. 

I believe that you need to go to the Lord before you approach someone to share the gospel. If we do not allow the Lord to speak through us, what we end up saying will have pieces of the world in it. I was talking to one of my college friends last night about this, and she reminded me also that our actions can speak just as loud as our words. She told me that we do not always have to speak the message of God, but that we can show God's love through our interations with non-believers. 

 She also sent me into 1 Corinthians 13:3 which says, "If I give all I possess to the poor, and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing". It is not about how many people we speak the message too. We must have love, and the Lord needs to be with us. I respect the opinions of the Christian adults in my life, but this time I felt that what they were saying, was not supported by the Word. If you ever have a doubt and feel that you cannot go to a reliable Christian adult, then you do not have to give up and never get an answer, God has given us the answers in His Word. 

New Beginnings.

There are times in our lives when the Lord is calling for us to change. Sometimes the changes are small, and others are life altering. To me a new beginning is like spring cleaning in your life. You tell the people you love, that you love them, because sometimes although you think you are showing it, you aren't. Its also when you see broken relationships that still hold anger, and you fix it. You do not have to keep that person in your life, but forgiveness is part of this new beginning.

During this time you may lose relationships that you thought were standing firm. It is going to make you want to run the other way, but you need to remember God's plan. Everything that I am telling you, I am also telling myself. These are all the things I see in my life that need to change in order for me to grow with the Lord. We need to make sure that through all these changes, no matter what we are being God centered people. It can no longer be about what we feel, and what we want. Its got to be about God.

Today I feel like although my pain is still very much there, God is working in my life and showing me what He wants from me. Today I spent a few hours repairing one of those broken relationships. Through this I have realzied that as we change our mindset from a childish one to a mature one, we will see old matters in a different light. Once you finally give everything to God He will fix it an heal. I see God's work, and I know that with these changes, I am becoming a mature follower of Christ. My heart is devoted to the Lord.

Although I face many more trials and more changes, I will do it with a God centered heart. It doesn't happen overnight, but if you hear the Lord calling, do not turn away. Listening and following the Lord will change your life, for the better!

Struggling to Get Through.

It has been almost two weeks since my last post. In these two weeks my world was turned upside-down and my faith was tested harder than ever before. I have always been fighting the mental spiritual warfare. I have overcome so many tests of the mind. I am very strong there, but I forgot that I could be tested physically as well. These past two weeks left me feeling very lonely, not cared about, and too weak to get over this.

I told you that I had surgery, and that the pain was preventing me from posting, but everything after that is new to you. The Wednesday after my surgery I went to the doctor and that's when I had the seizure. The repercussions of that seizure were worse than I could have imagined. It sparked my fibromyalgia. The severity of the pain sent me to the emergency room twice, and then the doctor called us in and performed a second surgery. He found a blood clot growing under my knee cap. He removed it, but the excruciating pain had already consumed my body. I was admitted into the hospital where I would stay for six days, on heavy IV pain killers. I took codeine, vicodine and morphine (not all at once).

It was by far the scariest thing in my life. The fear in me was heightened by the fact that I stopped praying. I began relying solely on the doctors to take my pain away. I was doubting God. There were so many people praying for me, with me and over me. They continued to tell me that it would get better soon, and that they were praying. I had only asked a few people to pray, but we Christians tend to pray in groups of 100 give or take. I felt guilty for taking their time. I felt like I was weak and everyone else had to pick up my slack. I was also kind of angry because I did not want to be poor pathetic me. I didn't want pity. I just wanted God to fix me. I didn't understand why God was letting me be in that much pain.

When Thursday came around, my surgeon told me that I was cleared to leave from a surgical standpoint, but not by a pain standpoint. He called the pain team in. At that point I was taking Morphine every three hours. I don't know when I realized that I hadn't been praying, but I know that when my mom was holding my hand and praying over me, that it was time to turn everything to God. I wasn't really sure how to do that, so I just prayed and told Him exactly what was on my heart.

Friday into Saturday was the first night I slept through without IV medication. The pain team had found the right mix of drugs to enable me to get off the IV and be sent home. I am now starting my recovery process, but this time for real. With everything going on, I lost a lot of muscle tension in my leg, so I cannot walk or get out of bed without help, but the pain has already moved from a 10 to a 6. I have overcome a great deal, and although this journey is not finished, things have begun to brighten up.

Yesterday someone sent me a message and it was three verses that they wanted me to look up. I believe that God was speaking through this person, because the verses were what I have been searching for, ever since this all started. I wanted to find comfort in the words of the Lord, but when I was looking, my heart wasn't in the right place. The verses that meant the most to me, were David's plea to the Lord for help. "O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy. in Your faithfulness, and righteousness, come to my relief!" Psalm 143: 1. Through this, I know that David was healed by the Lord, and I will be healed too.

I myself am weak, but the Lord gives me strength. It is dark, lonely and scary when you shut the Lord out. I thought that I was calling on Him, and He just wasn't listening to me, but really, He reached out His hand, and I hadn't taken it yet. Someday when I am better, I will look back at this time, and know that it has made me stronger in faith. We all are going to face times that seem never ending, and always progressively worse. God will always be there to catch you when you feel like you want to give up. It will take a lot out of you and bring you to places you never imagined being, but you will be strengthened through the Lord. All you have to do is call on His name. He will ALWAYS be there even when we forget about Him, He has and will NEVER forget about us.