On My Knees

Yesterday was horrible. To be honest I wish I had just slept through my alarm and stayed in bed. Most of the conversations that I held with people were upsetting to me and to them. I felt good for a little while after I wrote yesterdays blog post but after that I was pretty miserable. I couldn't even form the words to explain to anyone how I was feeling. This upset feeling has been growing inside of me for some time now. Yesterday just seemed to be my breaking point. This is not the first time I have gotten to the breaking point, but it was the first time for this year. Keeping my emotions internal is something that I do every single day. I feel that I am not here to dump all of my worries on someone else. Instead I learn to listen to the trials that others are facing and figure out how to help them.

I want to make it clear that I don't listen and give advice just so that I can have a pat on the back. I listen because I love those that are coming to me. It makes me feel closer to God when I help friends, or even strangers. When I was a little bit younger than I am now, I used to make a joke that God put out a sign telling people to bring me their problems. I believe that God puts people in our lives for a reason, and sometimes I feel that I am in people's lives just to listen. We all need at least one person that will just listen. You all know that  I always have something to say, but I think that God puts these people in my life so that I can learn to listen.

For me, I am afraid to say how I am feeling because once I say it I can never take it back. For example, when everyone else is in a positive mood I will not share my feelings if they are not positive because I don't want to ruin anyone happiness. By not saying anything, I am hoping that some of their happiness will spill into my life. After yesterday I realize just how wrong I am. I spent most of the day upset, tired, and crying. I reached the point where I couldn't hold my feelings in any longer.

This is not something that I talk about, especially publicly, but through prayer I feel that God wants me to share what is happening and what has happened. I may never find out why but I know that God has a reason. When I get to the point that I call my breaking point, I feel weak. No matter how hard I try there is this underlying part of me that feels that I have to be the one person who holds it together. When I cry, I feel useless and like I am letting others down. It is hard to explain this in a way that makes sense to others but its how I have dealt with so many trials and tribulations that have come my way. It is a learning process that is going to take time, but I can use my experiences of reaching a breaking point to hopefully prevent others from reaching that same point.

If you are someone that keeps things internal instead of sharing what is going on, you know what I am talking about when I say that you don't know where to turn. I pray every single day all day long, but I pray for God to send someone to me. When I am ready to explode, I search for someone to talk to , but it seems like no one is there for you. Its like sailing a boat in the middle of a storm and your entire crew jumps ship. This brings me to the verse that I need to memorize and keep in the back of my mind.

"Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and He brought them to their desired haven." Psalm 107: 28-30

It's scary to feel the way that I felt but I knew that even if not a single person was around to listen to me, God was there. I challenge you to be the listener. If you are a person that doesn't often take time to listen to someone, start listening. If you are the person that keeps everything inside and only listens, open up. If you can't open up to others, then open up to God. He may know everything that we do, say and feel but give it all to Him. For the first time in a year and a half (which is when I had knee surgery), before I went to bed I got down on my knees, and I lifted my prayers to the Lord. I was long overdue for a prayer on my knees, and for me it brought blessings. Figure out what makes you feel closest to God and just pray.

I Will Not Be a Disappointment

I am really struggling with a lot of things right now. It seems to me that no matter how hard I work at something, or prepare for something I fail. I really wish I could just give up, and quit school, and quit adulthood. The transition from childhood to adulthood is far from smooth. I have taken on adult roles for a good part of my life because with all of the medical issues I've had to grow up fast. Since I had played an adult role for a while, I have never fit in with kids my own age and I had nothing in common with them. Even here at school I find that I have still have many more responsibilities than my peers. I also spent all summer acting as my siblings second mom (yes mom I admit that I try to be you, you were right).

A lot of the people that I consider friends are around my mom's age. They accept me as a Christian women and their equal . Everytime I go home and talk to them they are so excited for me and want to know all about my success at school. Now here I sit, wondering how to tell them that I'm not succeeding in the ways that I would be proud of. Yes my grades are good, but every single low grade is a blow to my self esteem and self worth. I know that to everyone else I seem to be getting upset over something silly, but you have to understand that I have never been the star athlete, I have been the one who does really well in academics. I have always succeeded in school, and I am fighting to continuing seeing myself in that way.

I am scared of disapointing all of my adult role models because once I do that, I become a typical college student in their eyes. They have all experienced what I am experiencing, but for me, not only am I working to make them proud, I also have five siblings who are looking to me to lead the way and show then the right choices to make. I fear that because no one sees me studying they are going to assume that my low test grades are because I am not focusing on school. I know that I have test anxiety but how am I supposed to explain that I study for a minimum of four hours a day yet I can't do well on my tests and exams.

As I sit here, I have so many thoughts that are spinning through my head. I have so many questions that I keep asking myself. None of this is making me feel any better, nor is it making me want to keep trying. Everytime I read finish reading a chapter in my textbook(s) I conclude that I wasted my time reading because I'm going to fail the exam/test/quiz anyway. I also shy away from reading anything else because I now put bad connotations with books in general. However, I just looked at my desk again and realized there is one book that I haven't picked up today. It is the only book that I read, that gives me a sense of relief. This book is the Bible, the very word of the Lord.

Even just seeing the Bible stopped all the other thoughts that spin through my head. When I opened my Bible it was like a breath of fresh air. I came across a verse in my reading that is fairly common but I believe that it is a message that God wanted me to hear again.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Obviously just reading that one verse is not going to change everything that I am feeling at this moment, but it gives me perspective. I am able to step back and look at my situation and better assess (with the Lord's guidance) where to go from here.

There is this one thing that I do when I am feeling like nothing I do is right, or when I think I am at the end of my rope. I challenge you to do what I am about to explain the next time you are facing any sort of tribulation. Take your bible and place it in front of you, do not open it. Before you do anything else close your eyes, cross your hands and pray. As the Lord to show you something that He thinks you need to hear in that moment. However, the prayer needs to be real, and you have to be ready to actually follow through with what God will share with you. Then pick a spot in your Bible and open it. It sounds ridiculous and like something that came out of a kids movie but it honestly works. I am able to shut the world out for that moment and read the page that is in front of me. Good luck and have faith in the Lord to get you through anything!

More than Blessed

We are always told to forget the past and look toward the future. In theory that might work out okay for you, but in reality unless you have had some sort of head trauma, or medical condition you aren't going to forget the past. Not forgetting the past, and dwelling on the past are two totally different issues, I am speaking more along the lines of looking into your past, not dwelling. My thoughts on this matter came about this morning when I was wishing my best friend of many years, a happy 18th birthday. As we continued talking he said "can you believe I'm 18?". I had to take a step back and let it sink in that he just turned 18. When we met all those years ago in Sunday School, he was about 12, and I was 13. Time had come and gone faster than I realized it.

It really had me thinking about the path that we took to get to the place we are in our friendship today. The years of fellowship, repairing old wounds, worshiping the Lord, and keeping each other accountable. Think about a friend that you have known for a very long time. I guarantee that you have gone through a lot together, and created many memories along the way.

On a broader end, I began to think about my entire past. I remember all of those times that I wanted to give up, or the situations that I thought would never change. I thought about all of the pain I have faced, and all of the times that the doctors said that there was nothing more that they could do. Here I stand today, I have overcome so many obsticales. The best part is, that I am proof to myself and to others that God is amazing and that He is our healer and our protector. All of those times that the doctors couldn't help me, God found a way to help me! All of the tears that I have shed, God caught in His hand and comforted me. Even through all of the times that I pushed God away, He never let go of me.

Looking at my past I do see all of the mistakes I made, all of the friends that I lost, and time that I wasted. I also see all of the blessing that the Lord gave me, and all of the healing, and all of the new friends that I have gained. I never imagined when I started thinking about the past this morning, that it would set me on fire for the Lord, but it did. I cannot even begin to explain how blessed I feel to be where I am today. I also cannot really explain how amazing it feels to now have actual proof of God working in my life. We all have "proof" but it has taken me a while to finally realize this.

I challenge you to look back on your past, and rather than viewing it in a negative light, look at it through the eyes of a child of God. It may take you a while to really see what God has done in your life, but He has worked in your life and continues to work in your life. Give God praise and thank Him for everything that He has helped you overcome thus far! I have just begun thanking Him but I have so much more to be thankful for! I am excited to see what the Lord is going to do next in my life, and with God I am ready to face whatever comes my way.

One Nation Under God?

You may or may not know this, but I am big into politics. I enjoy learning about the system and how it works (or how it's supposed to work), and watching politics in action. I am strongly believe that everyone who is of age should register to vote, and take part in this democratic process. However, that is not my point for today so you can relax! The other reason that I am involved in politics is because I am an advocate for the Arthritis Foundation and it is my job as an advocate to speak to politicians and law makers to get them involved in passing Bills for people with disabilities like Arthritis.

Last night was a huge Presidential debate between President Obama and Governor Romney. I wasn't going to watch it but I realized that I have to choose one of them to be a leader of this country. I knew that it was going to make me upset, and of course I turned it off after about 45 minutes because I was angry. I sat there and watched them bicker with fake little smiles on their faces. Then I logged onto Facebook and watched as many of my friends and classmates posted status after status about the debate. I eventually had to get off of Facebook because when it comes to politics I am very emotional.

While sitting in bed I kept replaying what was said during the debate. They covered oil, green energy, healthcare, the economy, jobs and a variety of other topics. I still have one question though, where does God fit in to all of this? They argued about so many things, but not once did anyone show any concern about the role that God plays in this. Wasn't this country built on a foundation of faith? I am very disappointed that our leaders have lost sight of the most important thing we need to be a successful country.

"Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord, the people He chose for His inheritance" Psalm 33:12.  

I know that many disagree with me, but I am very passionate about God being the center of this country. I challenge you to get on your knees and pray for this country. Pray for this upcoming election, and pray for local politicians. Pray with someone else, and pray for guidance. I want to be doing more to share the importance of the Lord in life decisions like these. I am praying for God's will to be done, and for Him to give me direction. Above all, don't lose hope because we know that all things are possible with God.

Ready or Not

It would be easy for me to slip back into my negative thought process again. It would be easy for me to say that the happiness I have been feeling had to end sooner or later, but I'm not going to say that. I no longer believe that good things are only temporary, while something bad is getting ready to enter my life. So many people feel that way, and they learn to question happiness. It has taken a lot for me to get rid of those thoughts, and that negative way of living. When I say that I understand what it feels like to never trust happiness, I mean it, however, I also know now that happiness is real and so is the love of Christ.

When you are about to, or are facing a trial, many believers will tell you that God won't give you more than you can handle. I have heard that countless times, and I believe it, but it is not always a comfort when things are going downhill. It always made me turn to the Lord and tell Him that it's more than I can handle, or my favorite thing was to ask Him how much more He believed I could handle. The Lord does know how much we can handle but repeating that over and over to someone is not going to help them. It is almost like your friends are brushing you off to God because they don't want to help you themselves. 

I am saying all of this from experience, and I am saying this as someone who is facing new trials. Facing a trial does not mean I lose all of the happiness that I have been feeling. What it means is that I can go into this trial with a new perspective and with the knowlege that things actually get better. As long as I continue to put my trust in God, I can overcome anything, my family can overcome anything. I feel a strength that I have never felt before. It is like God has turned all of my tears into a renewed strength and a renewed faith in Him.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." Ephesians 6:10-13.


If someone you or someone you know is facing a trial,  I challenge you to stand firm in faith, and trust in the love of Christ. No one said that trials were going to be easy, but the outcome can change depending on where you turn, and where you place your trust. Place your trust in God, and pray for the strength that you desire to face tribulation. Pray for others that do not feel strength yet, and put on the armor of God because nothing is impossible with God. As for me, I am taking a stand, and ready or not I am facing this trial with the Lord by my side.

Bad Days

Usually I can tell when I am going to have a bad day. I just get this feeling when I wake up that something is going to go wrong. This morning when I woke up I was a little nervous about wearing uncomfortable clothing for my interpersonal communication course but I was still relatively happy. Every day I roll out of bed and turn on Chris Tomlin's CD "And if Our God is For Us", while I get ready. I followed my same routine today, not knowing what the day would turn into.

My day began going downhill when I went to my biology class and received my exam back. If you recall me speaking about the exam, you know that I spent hours, and days studying for this one exam. My professor began class by saying that the class grades were the lowest she has ever seen. She also said that anyone that received below an 80% has not proved that they cared, nor that they studied. My stomach dropped at that point. I had felt good about the exam after I took it, and when I saw my grade I wanted to cry. It did not reflect my hard work, nor did it meet the expectations I have for myself.

I spent the rest of that class very distracted, wondering what I did wrong. I was angry and hurt by what the professor said, but I can now understand why she said that. Most of the kids around me did not put in time and effort, most of them don't care. I am going to wait until I am not so upset and talk to her, because I feel that it is important for me to let her know that I care about this class, and I take school very seriously. I know from the outside it seems that I am complaining over a grade that isn't failing, but God has given me the ability to do well in school and each bad grade feels like I have disappointed Him. I know that, that is not the case, but it doesn't make the feeling go away.

After all of that, I made it through my music class, and had to turn around and get ready for my com project of the day. I had to dress in a manor that makes me uncomfortable and talk to people around the campus. I was already in a bad mood so I did not feel like putting my heart into this assignment. When class was over I was ready to go back to the dorm and relax, however I did not check the weather this morning so I was faced with a surprise when it started pouring rain. My knee did not agree with the cold, wet clothing that I was wearing and now my knee is swollen.

I leave you with the verse that I keep repeating to myself over and over:
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18

I challenge you to keep this verse in mind the next time it seems like everything is going wrong. Though today has been challenging for me, I know that it will end and good days will come! Have faith in the Lord, and most of all PRAY! Pray for me, pray for others, and pray for comfort.

Suffocating

More than once in my life I have come to a place where I feel cornered, like I can't breathe because if I do everything will only get worse. Sometimes the situation takes weeks to resolve, but other times it takes a few years.  You may have felt this way before, some refer to it as a Catch 22. No matter which way you turn, or which choice you make the outcome is terrible. For me Catch 22 makes me feel like I am being stepped on, and all of the people that I believed to be friends, are just sitting there and watching it happen.

That feeling has surfaced again, but this time it's not happening to me. It is happening in my home. The child that we adopted a few years ago has tormented, and working hard to break our family apart. It took us a long time to realize what was going on, and the child admitted that she was/is trying to get between all of us. Hearing that made me want to vomit. My strong God loving home was being "infiltrated" and no one on the outside could see it. This child has many issues, and I do not blame her for the issues themselves. When we were out in public as a family, she was an angel and this sweet girl who joined the family. Once we got home she changed back to her normal, angry, hateful, harmful self. To everyone else, when we punished her we were scolded for being harsh. I can't tell you how many times we heard that we are not treating her fairly or justly. Each person that said something cut off more and more of the air that we could breathe.

My parents won't give up on this child because they adopted the child as their own. They are fighting so hard to get her all of the help that they can. My heart is not where it should be where she is concerned because when I look at her I see how Satan is using her, and I forget that though she is being used by Satan, she is not Satan. That, however, is a matter all of its own. After about a year of the tormenting and harm that she caused, someone finally saw it and believed what we have been saying. It is so hard to get support because our friends and family pass judgement on this situation before they know everything.

Yet again we are in the situation of being stepped on, but this time it seems that our friends and help are the ones doing the stepping. It was so hard for us to look for help and accept help because we don't want to step outside of the path that God has set for each of us. I am tired of being silent and watching as my parents, and my family fighting for help with no one by their side. I should have turned to God a long time ago, but I figured that since we were getting help the Lord must have already answered the prayer. I was mistaken, I didn't really listen to the answer, because I just wanted the problem to go away. Now things are getting worse, and maybe it's God's way of reminding me who is in control.

Though it feels like we are suffocating, God is reminding us that He is in control and promises that, "No weapon formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue which rises against you in judgement you shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is from Me," says the Lord. Isaiah 54:17

I challenge you to stand up and be the help and support to anyone that has tribulation in their lives. Rather than pass judgement, offer support and love. Pray for God to give you understanding in the situation that someone else is facing. Do not be the one that suffocates a friend or makes assumptions about what a friend is going through. If you are the one that feels like you are suffocating, breathe and know that God is here, and He loves you, and He will ALWAYS take care of you, even if no one else does. Remember to pray, because God will listen.