On My Knees

Yesterday was horrible. To be honest I wish I had just slept through my alarm and stayed in bed. Most of the conversations that I held with people were upsetting to me and to them. I felt good for a little while after I wrote yesterdays blog post but after that I was pretty miserable. I couldn't even form the words to explain to anyone how I was feeling. This upset feeling has been growing inside of me for some time now. Yesterday just seemed to be my breaking point. This is not the first time I have gotten to the breaking point, but it was the first time for this year. Keeping my emotions internal is something that I do every single day. I feel that I am not here to dump all of my worries on someone else. Instead I learn to listen to the trials that others are facing and figure out how to help them.

I want to make it clear that I don't listen and give advice just so that I can have a pat on the back. I listen because I love those that are coming to me. It makes me feel closer to God when I help friends, or even strangers. When I was a little bit younger than I am now, I used to make a joke that God put out a sign telling people to bring me their problems. I believe that God puts people in our lives for a reason, and sometimes I feel that I am in people's lives just to listen. We all need at least one person that will just listen. You all know that  I always have something to say, but I think that God puts these people in my life so that I can learn to listen.

For me, I am afraid to say how I am feeling because once I say it I can never take it back. For example, when everyone else is in a positive mood I will not share my feelings if they are not positive because I don't want to ruin anyone happiness. By not saying anything, I am hoping that some of their happiness will spill into my life. After yesterday I realize just how wrong I am. I spent most of the day upset, tired, and crying. I reached the point where I couldn't hold my feelings in any longer.

This is not something that I talk about, especially publicly, but through prayer I feel that God wants me to share what is happening and what has happened. I may never find out why but I know that God has a reason. When I get to the point that I call my breaking point, I feel weak. No matter how hard I try there is this underlying part of me that feels that I have to be the one person who holds it together. When I cry, I feel useless and like I am letting others down. It is hard to explain this in a way that makes sense to others but its how I have dealt with so many trials and tribulations that have come my way. It is a learning process that is going to take time, but I can use my experiences of reaching a breaking point to hopefully prevent others from reaching that same point.

If you are someone that keeps things internal instead of sharing what is going on, you know what I am talking about when I say that you don't know where to turn. I pray every single day all day long, but I pray for God to send someone to me. When I am ready to explode, I search for someone to talk to , but it seems like no one is there for you. Its like sailing a boat in the middle of a storm and your entire crew jumps ship. This brings me to the verse that I need to memorize and keep in the back of my mind.

"Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and He brought them to their desired haven." Psalm 107: 28-30

It's scary to feel the way that I felt but I knew that even if not a single person was around to listen to me, God was there. I challenge you to be the listener. If you are a person that doesn't often take time to listen to someone, start listening. If you are the person that keeps everything inside and only listens, open up. If you can't open up to others, then open up to God. He may know everything that we do, say and feel but give it all to Him. For the first time in a year and a half (which is when I had knee surgery), before I went to bed I got down on my knees, and I lifted my prayers to the Lord. I was long overdue for a prayer on my knees, and for me it brought blessings. Figure out what makes you feel closest to God and just pray.