I am really struggling with a lot of things right now. It seems to me that no matter how hard I work at something, or prepare for something I fail. I really wish I could just give up, and quit school, and quit adulthood. The transition from childhood to adulthood is far from smooth. I have taken on adult roles for a good part of my life because with all of the medical issues I've had to grow up fast. Since I had played an adult role for a while, I have never fit in with kids my own age and I had nothing in common with them. Even here at school I find that I have still have many more responsibilities than my peers. I also spent all summer acting as my siblings second mom (yes mom I admit that I try to be you, you were right).
A lot of the people that I consider friends are around my mom's age. They accept me as a Christian women and their equal . Everytime I go home and talk to them they are so excited for me and want to know all about my success at school. Now here I sit, wondering how to tell them that I'm not succeeding in the ways that I would be proud of. Yes my grades are good, but every single low grade is a blow to my self esteem and self worth. I know that to everyone else I seem to be getting upset over something silly, but you have to understand that I have never been the star athlete, I have been the one who does really well in academics. I have always succeeded in school, and I am fighting to continuing seeing myself in that way.
I am scared of disapointing all of my adult role models because once I do that, I become a typical college student in their eyes. They have all experienced what I am experiencing, but for me, not only am I working to make them proud, I also have five siblings who are looking to me to lead the way and show then the right choices to make. I fear that because no one sees me studying they are going to assume that my low test grades are because I am not focusing on school. I know that I have test anxiety but how am I supposed to explain that I study for a minimum of four hours a day yet I can't do well on my tests and exams.
As I sit here, I have so many thoughts that are spinning through my head. I have so many questions that I keep asking myself. None of this is making me feel any better, nor is it making me want to keep trying. Everytime I read finish reading a chapter in my textbook(s) I conclude that I wasted my time reading because I'm going to fail the exam/test/quiz anyway. I also shy away from reading anything else because I now put bad connotations with books in general. However, I just looked at my desk again and realized there is one book that I haven't picked up today. It is the only book that I read, that gives me a sense of relief. This book is the Bible, the very word of the Lord.
Even just seeing the Bible stopped all the other thoughts that spin through my head. When I opened my Bible it was like a breath of fresh air. I came across a verse in my reading that is fairly common but I believe that it is a message that God wanted me to hear again.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
Obviously just reading that one verse is not going to change everything that I am feeling at this moment, but it gives me perspective. I am able to step back and look at my situation and better assess (with the Lord's guidance) where to go from here.
There is this one thing that I do when I am feeling like nothing I do is right, or when I think I am at the end of my rope. I challenge you to do what I am about to explain the next time you are facing any sort of tribulation. Take your bible and place it in front of you, do not open it. Before you do anything else close your eyes, cross your hands and pray. As the Lord to show you something that He thinks you need to hear in that moment. However, the prayer needs to be real, and you have to be ready to actually follow through with what God will share with you. Then pick a spot in your Bible and open it. It sounds ridiculous and like something that came out of a kids movie but it honestly works. I am able to shut the world out for that moment and read the page that is in front of me. Good luck and have faith in the Lord to get you through anything!
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