The past week has not gone very well. The amount of pain that I have been in concerns both myself and my doctors. Pain is nothing new to me but for the first time I really didn't feel like fighting it anymore. I was ready to just give up and let it be. I have pretty much had that attitude since the loss of my baby sister but I am just now really admitting it. I had the dread of school starting and I could feel my stress level going up and up as move in day grew closer. Most people my age are having to go to the bank and take out loans to pay for school and books so I am not alone in the added stress of it all. Keeping everything bottled up inside has been driving me crazy and I was ready to explode.
By the grace of God we were able to see my sister yesterday. It was the first time in two months that I felt alive again. I felt actual joy running through me again. There was sorrow close behind it but for just a few hours I got to feel love again and I didn't have to feel empty. When it was time to say goodbye, my world seemed to grow colder but not as cold as it was before. Seeing her sparked my passion to fight for my life and against pain and doubt. It gave me this sort of hope that I was lacking. I packed my belongings and headed back to school. Once I was at school all of the things that had been going on before, re-surfaced. I became very overwhelmed and anxious.
At school we ended up having a major problem with our plumbing that lasted late into the night. I went to bed and left my suit-mate up to deal with the person trying to help us. I figured that when I woke up there were two things I could face, the first would be that nothing happened and I could finally get some rest; the second was that our room would be flooded with dirty water and overwhelm me even more. Sure enough this morning I was woken up early because the sink overflowed and water was everywhere. We had guys coming in to fix things all morning and I never really got to relax.
Scripture says this about suffering, which is what I have been dealing with for quite some time now.
"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4
For you this verse may not make sense but for me, where I am right now this is a verse that gives me hope. This verse tells me that even when I think I am going to overflow and make a mess, I won't as long as I keep fighting and following Christ. I am scared that I don't know what I am doing right now but God can show me the way and He can show you the way if you just let Him. Join this battle with me against all things that are not godly and against all things that try to bring us down on this Earth. Don't give up because I can't do this alone. Just remember that if you overflow with emotions in your life step back and look at the flood, then look at it again in God's eyes and ask Him to guide you through the clean up.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Time to Follow God's Plan
I have been on break since December 18th, and for some reason everyone thinks that I should not be home right now, or they wonder why I am skipping school when I am out with my mom during the day. Following my explanation as to why I am not in school everyone asks me what I am going to school for. When I tell them what my degree is going to be, they ask me what I plan to do with that degree. I have a lot of options right now as to what I want my focus to be, but that doesn't seem to be enough for people. They want a reason for the focus that I am choosing. They want me to tell them exactly what I am going to be doing when I am done with school. I have a few answers, but really I honestly have no idea.
I have been stressing myself out trying to figure out what future I could have. I have been thinking of the perfect job that will fit what I want, and how I will go about looking for that job. I also weigh in the fact that I will have a bucket load of student loans. Once I am on that train of thought I also think about whether or not I will be married at that point, and how a husband would fit into all of that. It scares me to think that if I don't give them an answer it means that I have no focus. I have to have a goal for myself, but what if my goal is wrong and what if my goal is an impossible goal. I don't think that anyone realizes just how much thought goes on when they simply ask me what I plan to do with my degree.
The truth is that I really don't know what my future is going to bring, nor should I. Scripture says,
"
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:11-14
So the answer that I can give to anyone who asks me what I am going to do in my life is that I will be doing whatever God wills me to. I cannot sit here day after day stressing about what I am going to do in the future. I could worry about how I am going to find a job, or whether or not I will get married when I want to. I can stress about feeling like no one cares about me. I can stress about how I am going to pay my student loans back when I graduate. OR I could stop and I could trust God. I could trust that He has a plan for me and that if I follow Him He will show me that plan in time.
Ask me what my plans are for the future and this is what I will tell you: My plans for the future are to trust in God and trust that He has a plan for my life. I can spend time worrying or I can stay in prayer and continue my walk with God, working hard and appreciating the opportunities that God has given me!
I have been stressing myself out trying to figure out what future I could have. I have been thinking of the perfect job that will fit what I want, and how I will go about looking for that job. I also weigh in the fact that I will have a bucket load of student loans. Once I am on that train of thought I also think about whether or not I will be married at that point, and how a husband would fit into all of that. It scares me to think that if I don't give them an answer it means that I have no focus. I have to have a goal for myself, but what if my goal is wrong and what if my goal is an impossible goal. I don't think that anyone realizes just how much thought goes on when they simply ask me what I plan to do with my degree.
The truth is that I really don't know what my future is going to bring, nor should I. Scripture says,
"
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:11-14
So the answer that I can give to anyone who asks me what I am going to do in my life is that I will be doing whatever God wills me to. I cannot sit here day after day stressing about what I am going to do in the future. I could worry about how I am going to find a job, or whether or not I will get married when I want to. I can stress about feeling like no one cares about me. I can stress about how I am going to pay my student loans back when I graduate. OR I could stop and I could trust God. I could trust that He has a plan for me and that if I follow Him He will show me that plan in time.
Ask me what my plans are for the future and this is what I will tell you: My plans for the future are to trust in God and trust that He has a plan for my life. I can spend time worrying or I can stay in prayer and continue my walk with God, working hard and appreciating the opportunities that God has given me!
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
He is Listening
Almost two years ago I went in for a surgery that changed my life. Just to put it briefly, there were complications that have left me with severe knee pain. Right after everything happened, I visited what is called a pain team at Hartford Hospital. They had been working on my case for many years because of my Arthritis. They have always had some sort of idea on how to help me or suggestions of things to try. All of a sudden they ran out of ways to help me and said that there was nothing more that they could do for me. Then they pushed me along my way and sent me home. I went to all of my specialists asking them what to do and every single one of them said that there was nothing that they could do for me anymore.
The problem was that they had never seen this happen to a "child" before and they all felt that they did not have the proper tools to help me. After that I went to another pain team at another hospital and they put me on medication and again said that there was nothing they could do because there was no solid title for my pain. There was no proper diagnosis that they could come up with for the pain, therefore they felt that they couldn't help either. So yet again I was sent on my merry little way.
I am sure that right now you are thinking of many different things that I could try, but I guarantee you that I have tried. We tried physical therapy, touch therapy, natural medicine, healing prayers, heat, ice, diet changes and a variety of other things, but none of them have worked. So try to put yourself in my shoes before you judge how I have handled this situation. Since all of my doctors, surgeons and pain teams have said that there is nothing more that they could do, I decided that I was done asking for help. I decided to hope for the best and live my life. Well that has gotten hard again because my pain level is increasing. I finally decided that it was time to see a doctor so I went to the pediatrician.
In the days leading up to today I have been in prayer constantly. I was praying that there would be something that my doctor could do. I couldn't bear to hear that no one could or would help me anymore. I needed an answer, and I begged for an answer.
"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.
1 John 5:14-15
Well today He answered me. Today I went into the doctor and came out with a plan of what to do next. I was not sent away without any help I was helped and I was given hope. I did not deserve what God gave me today but I am blessed to have received this help. All glory be to God who continues to amaze me every single day. He leads me to a path that is breath taking even when I have lost my hope, He gives it back to me.
The problem was that they had never seen this happen to a "child" before and they all felt that they did not have the proper tools to help me. After that I went to another pain team at another hospital and they put me on medication and again said that there was nothing they could do because there was no solid title for my pain. There was no proper diagnosis that they could come up with for the pain, therefore they felt that they couldn't help either. So yet again I was sent on my merry little way.
I am sure that right now you are thinking of many different things that I could try, but I guarantee you that I have tried. We tried physical therapy, touch therapy, natural medicine, healing prayers, heat, ice, diet changes and a variety of other things, but none of them have worked. So try to put yourself in my shoes before you judge how I have handled this situation. Since all of my doctors, surgeons and pain teams have said that there is nothing more that they could do, I decided that I was done asking for help. I decided to hope for the best and live my life. Well that has gotten hard again because my pain level is increasing. I finally decided that it was time to see a doctor so I went to the pediatrician.
In the days leading up to today I have been in prayer constantly. I was praying that there would be something that my doctor could do. I couldn't bear to hear that no one could or would help me anymore. I needed an answer, and I begged for an answer.
"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.
1 John 5:14-15
Well today He answered me. Today I went into the doctor and came out with a plan of what to do next. I was not sent away without any help I was helped and I was given hope. I did not deserve what God gave me today but I am blessed to have received this help. All glory be to God who continues to amaze me every single day. He leads me to a path that is breath taking even when I have lost my hope, He gives it back to me.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Transitions
Transitions; I've never really been good at them but they occur. For me, transitions rarely move smoothly. I hate change and I get comfortable living one certain way and I don't want to move on. No matter how many times I go to school and come home the transitions don't get any easier. I have one week left until I have to return to school. I have been one winter break and spending so much time with my parents. You never know how much you will actually miss them until they are not with you anymore. Granted, I come home every weekend but it doesn't matter because five days a week I am parent-less and on my own. I love school and I love the people that I live with and we have a great thing going but it is still hard to leave home.
While I have been home I kind of shut out the world. I didn't spend as much time on my phone or on my computer because everyone that I needed in that moment was with me. Coming home and sleeping in my bed every night was such a treat. I used this time to try and cope with my loss and figure out where I am headed in the future and what God has in store for me. It is really hard to fully listen to God when all I can think about is finishing my homework or studying for the next test. A major part of my anxiety and stress has been relieved for the past few weeks. This is all that I see right now. I can't picture myself being back at school next week.
I stress myself out so much when I know that I am going to have a change in my daily routine again. I hate every single week that comes right before I am expected to transition to somewhere else. Emotionally I don't even know how much more I can take right now. I have gone through so many changes already and I just began to feel stable again and now its like the rug is being pulled from underneath me. It is not that I do not have a desire to be at school, because I do, but getting there is like climbing over an emotional mountain for me. Once I get to the top I always wonder who is still going to be down at the bottom when I return.
Scripture says,
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”Joshua 1:9
So as I face a simple task of moving back to school and continuing my (costly) education I have to remember that when I look down that "mountain" God is there. It doesn't matter who else is there because the thing that I need to see is God. No matter where I have to transition to, God is there with me and He is not making me do this alone. To you I may sound ridiculous for having such a problem with transitions, especially this type of transition, but regardless it is how I feel. God has gotten me this far and it is my will that you and I continue to put our trust in Him and follow Him wherever He wants us to go, no matter what. The transitions may not always be smooth but as long as God is by our sides we will be okay!
While I have been home I kind of shut out the world. I didn't spend as much time on my phone or on my computer because everyone that I needed in that moment was with me. Coming home and sleeping in my bed every night was such a treat. I used this time to try and cope with my loss and figure out where I am headed in the future and what God has in store for me. It is really hard to fully listen to God when all I can think about is finishing my homework or studying for the next test. A major part of my anxiety and stress has been relieved for the past few weeks. This is all that I see right now. I can't picture myself being back at school next week.
I stress myself out so much when I know that I am going to have a change in my daily routine again. I hate every single week that comes right before I am expected to transition to somewhere else. Emotionally I don't even know how much more I can take right now. I have gone through so many changes already and I just began to feel stable again and now its like the rug is being pulled from underneath me. It is not that I do not have a desire to be at school, because I do, but getting there is like climbing over an emotional mountain for me. Once I get to the top I always wonder who is still going to be down at the bottom when I return.
Scripture says,
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”Joshua 1:9
So as I face a simple task of moving back to school and continuing my (costly) education I have to remember that when I look down that "mountain" God is there. It doesn't matter who else is there because the thing that I need to see is God. No matter where I have to transition to, God is there with me and He is not making me do this alone. To you I may sound ridiculous for having such a problem with transitions, especially this type of transition, but regardless it is how I feel. God has gotten me this far and it is my will that you and I continue to put our trust in Him and follow Him wherever He wants us to go, no matter what. The transitions may not always be smooth but as long as God is by our sides we will be okay!
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Just a Country Song
This morning I was listening to my favorite new song again. The title throws a lot of people off and they can't look past it long enough to hear what the song is about. The first time that I heard the song I was taken aback by the meaning and the truth behind the words. When I decided to play the song for my dad I prefaced him with the same thing that I am going to preface you with. The title of the song and the first few words may strike you as inappropriate for the context of the rest of the song. I am asking you to overlook the title and some of the words and listen to what else the singer had to say.
The song is called "Beer With Jesus" it is sung by country singer Thomas Rhett. The first few lyrics are him talking about sitting down and having a beer with Jesus. I personally do not drink beer (seeing as I am not 21) and you may not like the fact that he put the word beer, and Jesus in the same sentence but for the sake of the rest of the lyrics think about the beer as if it were coffee. In your mind change it to coffee with Jesus, if that will help you to look past the first part of the song. I am going to share some of my favorite parts of the song.
"Beer With Jesus"
I'd be sure to let him do the talkin'
Careful when I got the chance to ask
How'd you turn the other cheek
To save a sorry soul like me
Do you hear the prayers I send
What happens when life ends
And when you think you're comin' back again
I'd tell everyone, but no one would believe it
If I could have a beer (coffee) with Jesus
Those words are the words that are often on my heart. My dad has always told me not to ask him those questions because he isn't the one that can answer them. He always tells me to make a list of the questions that I have for Jesus when He finally takes me home. I never really thought that anyone else had those same questions to ask God. There is so much that I don't understand but I have never heard my questions spoken aloud by someone other than me.
To some this might just be some dumb country song, but to me it speaks the questions that are on my heart. We may not have the answers yet but now I know that I am not the only one seeking an answer. Some of these questions remain questions because they are a part of just having faith. We have to trust that God has a plan for our lives when they end, and we have to keep on living while we wait for Him to return. I cannot imagine what it will be like when I finally face God, I don't even know if I will remember how to speak but at least I have questions for Him and I have faith that He will give me answers someday. Take a minute to listen to the song, and truly listen to the lyrics, I promise you that they are meaningful.
The song is called "Beer With Jesus" it is sung by country singer Thomas Rhett. The first few lyrics are him talking about sitting down and having a beer with Jesus. I personally do not drink beer (seeing as I am not 21) and you may not like the fact that he put the word beer, and Jesus in the same sentence but for the sake of the rest of the lyrics think about the beer as if it were coffee. In your mind change it to coffee with Jesus, if that will help you to look past the first part of the song. I am going to share some of my favorite parts of the song.
"Beer With Jesus"
I'd be sure to let him do the talkin'
Careful when I got the chance to ask
How'd you turn the other cheek
To save a sorry soul like me
Do you hear the prayers I send
What happens when life ends
And when you think you're comin' back again
I'd tell everyone, but no one would believe it
If I could have a beer (coffee) with Jesus
Those words are the words that are often on my heart. My dad has always told me not to ask him those questions because he isn't the one that can answer them. He always tells me to make a list of the questions that I have for Jesus when He finally takes me home. I never really thought that anyone else had those same questions to ask God. There is so much that I don't understand but I have never heard my questions spoken aloud by someone other than me.
To some this might just be some dumb country song, but to me it speaks the questions that are on my heart. We may not have the answers yet but now I know that I am not the only one seeking an answer. Some of these questions remain questions because they are a part of just having faith. We have to trust that God has a plan for our lives when they end, and we have to keep on living while we wait for Him to return. I cannot imagine what it will be like when I finally face God, I don't even know if I will remember how to speak but at least I have questions for Him and I have faith that He will give me answers someday. Take a minute to listen to the song, and truly listen to the lyrics, I promise you that they are meaningful.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Want To Be An Upward Prayer Warrior?
One of my favorite ministries is beginning this Saturday. Any of you who know anything about Upward know that I like for Upward (I know I said I live for Christmas too). It has been ten years and I still forget how close it is to Christmas. I get so caught up with Christmas that I don't realize how much needs to be done for Upward. Now there is less than four days left before we begin this crazy fun season.
For me, Upward is more than just a basketball and cheer-leading program. It is something that I look forward to. It is something that gets me through the week because I know that once the weekend hits, I get to go to Upward again. I have been a player, a coach, a spectator and the director of concessions and volunteers. Some how, I have always been a part of this program. The people involved have become my family. They are my support system and when I am at Upward I feel safe and happy.
I have been lacking in the length of my posts but I have put my focus on Upward right now. We have the chance to touch so many lives and to introduce God to many families through this ministry. I want to be at my best and I want this to be amazing and glorifying to God. I give Him all glory and all of my time and effort. Things may not be as perfect as I want them but I am going to make them as close as I can get to perfect. At the end of the day I am doing my part to spread the word of God and of His glory. He has blessed me so much and now He has given me the chance to bless others and I am taking that chance.
I am asking you now to be in prayer for this upcoming season. This is not going to go well unless we have not only all of the volunteers that are hands on, but our prayer warriors as well. I would love it if even just one person reading this would agree to be a prayer warrior for our Upward Basketball and Cheer-leading program this year. It is not too hard but pray about it and if you feel led to be a prayer warrior, feel free to let me know because the director of this amazing ministry is always looking for solid prayer warriors that will back us up and give us the strength of God to reach out and share God's love.
For me, Upward is more than just a basketball and cheer-leading program. It is something that I look forward to. It is something that gets me through the week because I know that once the weekend hits, I get to go to Upward again. I have been a player, a coach, a spectator and the director of concessions and volunteers. Some how, I have always been a part of this program. The people involved have become my family. They are my support system and when I am at Upward I feel safe and happy.
I have been lacking in the length of my posts but I have put my focus on Upward right now. We have the chance to touch so many lives and to introduce God to many families through this ministry. I want to be at my best and I want this to be amazing and glorifying to God. I give Him all glory and all of my time and effort. Things may not be as perfect as I want them but I am going to make them as close as I can get to perfect. At the end of the day I am doing my part to spread the word of God and of His glory. He has blessed me so much and now He has given me the chance to bless others and I am taking that chance.
I am asking you now to be in prayer for this upcoming season. This is not going to go well unless we have not only all of the volunteers that are hands on, but our prayer warriors as well. I would love it if even just one person reading this would agree to be a prayer warrior for our Upward Basketball and Cheer-leading program this year. It is not too hard but pray about it and if you feel led to be a prayer warrior, feel free to let me know because the director of this amazing ministry is always looking for solid prayer warriors that will back us up and give us the strength of God to reach out and share God's love.
A Relief Song
I have been highly stressed out in case no one has noticed. I have taken on a lot and I have been traveling back and fourth a lot to deal with my medical "issues". On top of that I have school of course and I have friends who rely on me and I haven't been there for them very much lately. The guilt of not being a good friend on top of all of my other stress has started to get to me. I was able to take a small break from the world today and go shopping with my Mom. It was a rather short shopping trip but it was something that had nothing to do with homework or obligations. As we rushed around I started to realize how much stuff I needed to get done when I returned to school. I was tempted to slow our shopping time down but I couldn't.
I was walking through an isle while I was contemplating how to stay out of school for a little bit longer. Then all of a sudden I hear this little voice singing "The Lord told Noah, there's gonna be a floody floody" over and over and over. Normally when kids sing the same phrase over and over I get annoyed and frustrated (mostly with my own sisters) but for some reason I just kept thinking how cute it was that she was singing that song. The odds of hearing a child singing that in Walmart now adays is very slim. When I hear little girls singing about Jesus it is usually my girls!
The smallest things catch me and make me think. There is just something about little kids singing praise songs that makes me feel like the Lord is near me. To hear that child singing gives me hope that faith is still standing strong against doubt. God is still being introduced to the next generation of kids. It is so important that we spread the word of God to children. I have found that a lot of the time, the kids are more open to listening to the word of God than so many adults.
I was walking through an isle while I was contemplating how to stay out of school for a little bit longer. Then all of a sudden I hear this little voice singing "The Lord told Noah, there's gonna be a floody floody" over and over and over. Normally when kids sing the same phrase over and over I get annoyed and frustrated (mostly with my own sisters) but for some reason I just kept thinking how cute it was that she was singing that song. The odds of hearing a child singing that in Walmart now adays is very slim. When I hear little girls singing about Jesus it is usually my girls!
The smallest things catch me and make me think. There is just something about little kids singing praise songs that makes me feel like the Lord is near me. To hear that child singing gives me hope that faith is still standing strong against doubt. God is still being introduced to the next generation of kids. It is so important that we spread the word of God to children. I have found that a lot of the time, the kids are more open to listening to the word of God than so many adults.
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