Two Years Later

Two years ago today my life changed course. Things were going great for me. I felt like I was on top of the world. Yes, I was in pain but I didn't care at that point because I was just loving life and loving my senior year of high school. I had made all of these plans and I knew which college I wanted to go to and I was leading the yearbook and enjoying my music. I pushed my surgery to February because I had so much else to do during the holiday season. Now I know that some of you have heard this story before but I want you to see this in a different light. I want you to try to see the big picture and see how I got here today.

For those of you that don't know, I went in on this day two years ago to have a pretty simple surgery to prevent my knee from continuing to dislocate. I was nervous but I calculated and figured out that I would be out of school for two weeks and then I would be back in and ready to finish what I started. What I didn't know was that this surgery would become a nightmare that I could never wake up from. The surgery itself went fine but my body did not like that it was tampered with and decided to work against me. I ended up back in the hospital a week later but this time I went there to stay. I had a second surgery to remove the large blood clot that formed behind my knee cap.

I was in the hospital for a week. I can't remember much of it, except that I was in pain, and more pain than I had ever felt in my entire life. Mom was by my side every step of the way and that is about all I can recall. I wish that I could forget the pain and I wish that it could never have happened but it did happen. Up until now the most that I have ever gotten from this situation was learning who my real friends were and who left me the second I needed someone to lean on.

I cannot believe that another year has gone by. I have so much to be thankful for though because within the last year I finally was able to walk on my own after needed crutches and a brace for over a year. I don't need my wheelchair and I can walk up the stairs all by myself. To you that may seem like something I should have been able to do since I was a baby but I lost all control of my leg and my muscles. When I couldn't walk I began to forget what it feels like to be "normal". I was always that poor little kid who went out to have surgery and never came back.

God has brought me farther than I could have ever imagined. I am so grateful to be able to look back now and see how far I came. My faith was tested more than I ever wished but I believe that I have finally past it. I am still in so much pain but I no longer sit here and blame anyone or blame God for the way that things turned up. God is good and it is with His strength that I am walking around and finally healing.

Isaiah 41:10 

"So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Life Poem

I have written so many draft posts this week but I have not felt like they were good enough to share. Lately I have been feeling like a terrible writer and I did not want to share it with you and risk the fall out of judgement. As a writer I am going to hit some rough patches. Its not that I don't have something to write about, its just that I can't find the right words to put it all in. So my task for this weekend is to write a poem for my poetry class. I have not felt led to share anything with you but I am going to have to share this poem in class on tuesday so I figured I would just share it now.

Whether you like it or not (please do not tell me its bad because I cannot bring myself to change it right now). Here it is, it is a little bitter sweet but it is an example of how God showed up in my life even through sorrow and pain.

Sweet Child

 

No room for air

No time to call

One too many set ablaze

Fire rising

Inside tired souls

Jumping fast, water ready

Guard the innocent eyes

The pound of a dial,

And the flashing red and blue

Find cover for the tiny one

In a room far away

Tears flow steadily down

Two sorrowful faces

Another takes it all in as

Far off voices fade

And the hand of a tiny baby wipes all tears away

For now that is all I am going to say about that! Thanks and have a great weekend. 

Think Again

For a few days now I have been judged and ridiculed for posting my feelings on certain subjects. Those people doing the ridiculing probably have no idea that everything they say affects me in some way. Rather than continuing to be upset and to blame others for my mood I have decided to share with you the gift that God gave me a few days ago that made me want to do nothing else with my life for just a little bit longer. I have been praying for a break from the busyness of school and traveling and work. I just wanted to stop it all and remember what it is that I am doing here in the first place.  

After the snow storm as I said previously, my dad and I were outside on Friday night and all day Saturday. Those are the best days because my entire body goes numb and for once I can feel like a normal person who isn't in too much pain to work. It sounds really silly to most of you, and even a little dangerous. When you are like me and you spend every single minute of every day in pain, the chance to feel normal is rare and special. I don't want people to pity me while reading this because I am tough and I don't want your pity I am a strong person.

I have been selfish for a few days now. I have been praying for school to be cancelled again and I have been praying for more snow. I know that we haven't face the total cleanup yet and that people are still without power but for just a minute I want to be selfish. As you know and as I will continue to say, snow just does something for me and my mood. When I am in the snow, no one can touch me. No one can hurt me. No one can ruin that moment for me. It is like the world goes away for a minute and all stress can be ignored.

During the snow storm I love to shovel because that is my God time. I feel so close to God when I shovel because I can't hear anyone else and I am too busy looking at the white snow to see anyone else. We all have one place where God feels most near to us. Mine is during the winter snow season. So now I hope you get it. Please just understand that snow is how I see happiness right now. I am not being a negative person when I wish I was anywhere but here. I just know what waits for me outside and I would rather be there and be close to God than to be here and listen to everyone complain about how much they hate the one thing that I love.

In His Hands

Last night I had to face a fear of mine. As many of you know parts of New England were hit with Blizzard Nemo this weekend. Being in CT meant that we got hit hard and were stuck inside for days. I had brought my best friend home from school the night before the blizzard just for safety reasons because at that point we did not know just how bad this storm would be. We have had large snow storms in my lifetime before, I have seen two feet of snow a few times but it usually comes from having one storm then maybe a day later having another storm on top of that one. This storm however dumped it all on us at once. There were places here that got three feet or more of snow. Plow trucks were breaking down left and right and people were stranded without power.

The stress of it all was headache enough and the clean-up was overwhelming but we got through it. The roads however were not cleaned off yet because the trucks were not handling three feet of snow and who can blame them. Right now the roads still aren't clear and accidents just keep coming because even though we live in New England not all of us drive well in three feet of snow. I myself am a nervous driver because I have felt and seen what its like to slide backward down a hill in a small car. It is the worst feeling you can ever have. You lose total control and there isn't time to think about what to do next.

Of all of the schools that cancelled ours hadn't cancelled so we got on the road and began heading back to school. My sister was very persistent about needed to get back to school before six pm, so I finally gave in. I had this feeling that we should have waited until six but I was too nervous to deal with her complaints.  We were about halfway to school when all of a sudden my sister and roommate got phone calls telling us that classes were cancelled for today.

All I wanted to do was turn the car around and go home but it was too late. I had successfully made it over the highway with minimal sliding. That was a gift from God, and I was not about to test my luck any further on the terrible roads. I just want to say, that in no way am I blaming those who have spent days away from their families to clear roads. I am just simply telling you all about how much anxiety I was feeling at the time.

When we got that phone call I was ready to turn around and let my sister have it. I was so angry with her for making me drive on the icy, snow covered roads at night just to find out that we had no classes. Instead I took a breath and continued driving because I knew that there was nothing else I could do at that point but trust that God knew what He was doing even when I didn't. I kept thinking about Carrie Underwood's song, "Jesus Take the Wheel". At that moment in time that was what I prayed. I prayed that God would take the wheel and calm me down so that I could just drive.

To simply put it I am referencing the book of Job.
"In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind." Job 12:10

That whole ride here I was not in control. I am not the reason that we made it here safely. God is the reason that I overcame my fear for just that one night. He gave me the strength to not fall apart out of fear. No matter the fear, small or big, put it in God's hand because in His hand He created life. So the next time that you are scared or facing a fear give it to God, put it in His hands and let Him help you. 

Day Five: Results

I made it through another week. Sometimes the weeks seem to drag on and other fly bye. I can honestly say that waking up every morning and listening to Chris Tomlin and Casting Crowns was like drinking coffee to wake up. Listening to uplifting songs was what got me energized to make it through the days this week. Though I faltered a little one day this week I did not falter in the morning or before bed. I am able to take away from this, the message that I wanted to share with you.

No matter how small the amount, just letting a little bit of God in where you had let something secular in adds something new and fresh to your day. Before I go to bed at night I also listen to music, so by just adding some Christian music to my bedtime routine, no matter what sort of day I had I ended it worshiping Christ.

This week I am going to leave you with that final note, but I would be curious to know how this challenge affected you. God works in mysterious ways for all of us.

Day Four

Today started out okay. I was rushing around to finish getting ready and do my homework. It was stressful because I was studying for a poetry quiz. My memory is terrible so in order to do well I have to read things over and over and over. In between every single one of my classes I read the essay that we had to read many times. I was really stressing myself out. I just wanted to do well on the quiz to make up for the other two that caught me off guard. When I sat down in class ready to take my quiz my sister turns to me and tells me that there was no quiz for today that it was just a class discussion.

I was so angry that I wasted all of that time on poetry when I could have been focusing on the rest of my work that I needed to get done. I tried listening to my music to relax but it wasn't working today. Nothing seemed to be working well for me today. I wish that I had stayed strong but when the other radio station came on I just let it play because it fit my mood. I am so angry with myself for just giving up on a challenge that I was advocating for but I am not going to lie and pretend like I didn't. The temptation was there, things were going wrong and I stopped fighting and gave in. It sounds like something small but regardless I faced temptation and I went with it because it was easier to listen to depressing music then to listen to music about having hope.

However life is going to throw us some random temptation of any level. My temptation may be small to you but it hindered my completion of a goal and a challenge. It is easy for me and for you to say that it seems easier to just go with the little temptation because it is small and the outcome is not going to be terrible. By giving in I not only failed this goal but I strayed from my path a little. Each time we give up we stray from our walk a little bit or a lot.

This is why we should continue to fight any temptation that we face.

^"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him." James 1:12

We have a wonderful gift waiting for us each time we stand the test and each time we overcome temptation. So I will continue this challenge because I can't give up completely. I made a mistake but that doesn't mean I have to quit my challenge. I hope that you are more successful than I have been and I continue to pray for everyone who has been joining me on this little journey. God bless you all and remember to fight all temptation. 

Day Three

Today was my first day “off” in a few weeks. I may only have classes two days a week but I am always busy on the other three days of the week. This morning I was finally able to sleep in yet I still woke up at eight. I got myself back to sleep but my dreams ended. I laid in bed for a while thinking about all of the things that I had to get done today. There was a lot to do and I am not done with it yet. I am slow at doing homework because I like everything to be perfect before I will consider it done. I put a lot of pressure on myself to get my work done in a timely manor. Take this blog for example, I have written out blogs for all of the days that you don’t see posts for because I felt rushed and I didn’t want to put them online before I was happy with what I wrote.

I judge all of the work that I do because I have this weird fear of disappointing people all of the time. I pull away from people before they have the ability to be disappointed in me and it has worked for me in the past. However, I feel like it is time for me to actually say that out loud to another person (or online). The truth is that the one person I really don’t want to disappoint is God. Above all His disappointment in my sin is what keeps me on this war path of being a better person and being the best that I can be at everything that I do. Sure I mess up (a lot) but that doesn’t mean I am not trying to be better than the person I was even just a few minutes ago.

Please don’t misunderstand what I am saying about my relationship with Christ. I am not saying that I spend all of my time worrying about how I will disappoint God next, and God does not sit up in heaven waiting to be disappointed in me. That is not how the relationships work. Sometimes for me it seems that I take one step toward the right direction and then something happens and I take two steps back. This is in my own personal opinion, but it doesn’t mean that I have gone completely off the path that God has set for me. All that it means is that I lost my sense of direction suddenly and I have to be redirected with forgiveness. 

I have gone back to one of my favorite verses for today and I want to share it with you. It is a pretty well known verse but it is worth sharing time and time again. 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.^" Philippians 4:6-7

No matter what God grants forgiveness. Today I found that through music and through time alone and time with God. This is one of those days for relationship building and healing. I would definitely recommend a day like I had today. Keep up the challenge and keep up the good work.

Day Two

I usually always wake up to Christian music because it is the best way for me to start my day.  I usually start listening to secular music on my way to classes because I am trying to wake up and be ready for class. Today I went all day just listening to a few of my favorite worship songs. I felt a little bounce in my step which is weird because I was so overly tired. While I was in class I kept singing those songs in my head (which is probably not the best thing to do during class). As the day progressed my work load was growing more and more and I was ready to go into shut down mode and skip class.

There are times when I stress myself out so much that my pain gets out of control and bad things happen after that. I had to make it through six classes today. It was my choice to do that but today of all days was just very overwhelming. I really just wanted to be home and see my best friend on her birthday and go see the new baby that arrived in our lives this morning but instead I had to walk in the snow and keep going to class.

While I had to walk to yet another class I put in my headphones and went back into my own little music world. Listening to uplifting words of praise gave me new perspective on my stress and on everything that I was missing out on. This was not a sudden thing though, it took me all day to reach that point of acceptance. The work that I have facing me tomorrow is ridiculous but my challenge for this week will keep me going tomorrow (well at least I hope it will).

Scripture is what keeps me going as well as the music. I have found some peace in Matthew today and I decided to share that with you.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” Matthew 6: 25-27

God has blessed me so much and even though on days like today I feel like I can’t handle anything else, I come to realize that I can handle it because God is with me. I don’t have to panic all of the time because I am overwhelmed I just  need to have faith.

A Week Long Challenge

 I have been really down lately which is weird for me in the winter. Usually I'm at my best all of the time and I am enjoying life, but for some reason I am just not feeling very joyful. I have been praying about what is wrong and why I can't shake this feeling but it wasn't until a few days ago that I decided what I needed to do. There was something that I did some time ago that really snapped me out of this type of mood. I have decided to do that same thing again but include you all this time. A few years go on the Christian radio station they proposed a challenge where you would spend an entire month listening to nothing but Christian music. For some of you this is how you live every single day, but for the rest of us this is a challenge.

In order for this challenge to work you cannot listen to any other kind of music, whether it has words or not. The only music you listen to is by Christian artists. There is so much Christian music out there that it shouldn't be a problem (or at least I hope not). 

I have chosen to only do the challenge for a week because that goal still seems more appealing to me as something that I can reach. I found before that by just changing the music that I listen to, I can change my mood or my outlook on different situations. I want to do this with all of you as well. You don't have to start this week but you can start next week. Just start, at some point. Try this challenge and see how it changes your week. If that seems to easy for you, then do it for a month. 

For the rest of this week I will be blogging about my days and how the challenge makes an impact on my daily life. I urge you to take this small journey with me or take it alone but just take it! I am very excited to see where God leads me this week and how He will use music to guide me or to help me. God Bless and good luck!