When Things Go Wrong

When things go wrong in people's lives it is so easy for them to blame God. When something happens that people don't like, its automatically thought that God is punishing you for something you did wrong. I have had some time to think about this, and I realized that when things go wrong for me I automatically look at myself and hate myself. I hate myself because I feel like the reason things are going wrong is because I have sinned and dug myself into a hole of pain. I become so angry and continue to sin because I feel like I do not deserve the love of Christ. This is not an excuse for any form of sin, but it's how I reason things.

I have been stuck in this cycle for so long and it took me up until now to figure out my pattern of self destruction. I am able to fight it off at first, and continue to worship and praise God and trust that He forgives my sins but after a while it all builds up. The more I sin (no matter how big or small) the more guilt I feel and the more self hatred builds. Eventually I convince myself that I am not worthy of God's forgiveness so I don't even ask for it anymore. From the outside it seems like I am choosing to hate myself, but its more of an emotional dive into the pit of sin and fear of failure.

I did not want to share this at all. I wanted to keep this my private, secret finding. However in prayer before I began writing I felt led to share this. Sometimes when I feel led I have no idea why, which is the case right now. In my life, it seems like I am the only one who is on this crazy emotional path of self distaste. No matter what people say to me it makes me feel worse. Sharing my sin is like admitting that I disappointed God and those around me that love me.  No matter how great the sin, it eats away at me. I can see though, that a reason my sin eats away at me 24/7 is because I am not asking for forgiveness I am punishing myself because I need someone to blame for all of the terrible things that happen and have happened in my life.

I was reading the Word today and came across this passage in 1 John.
"If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 
1 John 1:8-9

The reason that my self hatred builds up is because I have not claimed my sin and turned it over. I am still trying to hide the sin as if it would go away. I want to punish myself (not physically) for the sins before I turn them to God and let Him forgive me. It is going to take time to let things go and let God forgive me. It's not that I don't want forgiveness, it's that I feel like I don't deserve forgiveness, but isn't that the point of it all? None of us are worthy of the forgiveness of Jesus Christ but He gives it to us anyway. Don't make the same mistakes that I have and just turn it over to God. Be bold and ask for forgiveness. God doesn't want us holding things in and He already knows our sin but He is waiting for us to admit it and just ask for forgiveness, not matter how big or small the sin is. Sin is sin and God forgives sin.