Walking the Line

I will be entering my senior year in about a month. It is a scary thought to me because it means I have to figure out what to do with my life. More so than that, I have started becoming anxious about entering back into a secular school. I have gone to secular schools my whole life and it has never really been a problem, but this year is different. During this past summer, I spent a great deal of my time in the company of Christians. It has been an amazing summer, full of praise and worship.

When I go back to school I will be taken out of my group of Christian ladies and thrown back into the real world. My heart has been set on fire for Christ this summer. When things became stressful, or trying, my group of Christian friends were always by my side ready to set me straight on the path again. At school, I am one of few Christians. Some say that it is to be expected because I did not choose to go to a Christian school, but when it came down to school choices God brought me to Eastern.

In talking with someone today, I expressed my worries about the school year. I have some really difficult classes that are going to be both emotionally and physically taxing. This amazing Christian woman explained to me something that she had heard while listening to a devotional. She said that as Christians we walk on a line. If we walk on one side, we are completely engulfed in a world of Christians. We worship and fellowship together and its fulfilling but no one outside of that group finds you "normal".

However, if you are on the other side of that line, you are completely engulfed in the world. So much so, that people can't tell that you are a Christian because you are too much like the world. So basically you walk a very fine line. It would be nice for me to completely surround myself with other believers, but then I wouldn't really be doing God's work. Our job as Christians is to make sure that every person we can reach, knows the love of Christ and what He has done in our lives.

I had to stop and think about that for a moment. Though I am not fully surrounded by Christians at school, I know that they are supporting me in prayer. I have to be strong in my faith and share the love of Christ. We have been called upon to spread the gospel and help bring others to Christ. We cannot isolate ourselves among each other because we have a greater job to do.

This conversation today, though it lasted only minutes, gave me a new understanding of my purpose at Eastern. I challenge you to look at your life right now and figure out why God has you placed where you are. If you get discouraged, remember that God has a plan for you and that we are called to share the good news that Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior and that we will only get to heaven through Him.

We Are God's Creation

In an imperfect world, full of disappointments, and mistakes. It is easy to be caught up in the troubles of the world. I myself get trapped in the cycle of negativity. I have told you that I have gotten caught up in negativity before. Sometimes I am left to wonder whether there is good in this world. I watch as people hurt themselves, hurt each other, lose children, have loved ones pass away too soon and people who are just down on their "luck". I really have to take a step back and look around this earth, because there has to be good here.

This same place, that brings us fear, loss, pain and so much more, was created by our God. His plan wasn't to make this place so miserable, we are the ones who made it that way. We took that perfection away. So now we live in imperfection, but we have to remember that God is all around us. I am not a person who likes to think positively. I have found that when I think positively things turn out bad and I am always disappointed. I pray and pray and pray for things that I want to happen and then nothing happens. I want things done in my time in my way.

It's not just the world that we criticize negatively. I know that for myself, there are a lot of times where I look at myself in the mirror and am ready to change everything about the way that I look. People get annoyed with me for saying that I want to lose weight but in my head I have a picture of the body that I used to have and the body that I desire. So I push myself to look better. Then I think about my knee and the fact that all of the trouble it caused, really damaged my body. I have hidden the inside of my legs for years now because after the surgery I got these weird dark purple stretch marks that go all the way down to my knees.

There were times that I hated my body so much that all I wanted to do was wear sweatpants so that no one could see the imperfection. On top of that all, I have a skin disorder that covers me head to toe. I was bullied for years about it. I am not the only person who does this to myself. I have talked to others that also criticize their bodies. However, its time that we stop and think that what we are criticizing is a work that God created. He crafted us each in His image, with His hands. Before we were even a thought in our parents mind, we were being created by God. We may hate the earth, we may hate our bodies, we may hate everything in life, but lets remember that everything we hate so much, was created by the Lord.

When my uncle passed away a couple months ago, my littlest sisters had a hard time understanding why someone could get so sick living here. When my mom and dad explained (in a kid friendly way), what death and life are, the kids grew concerned. They did not understand why God made us, and yet we still get sick. Then they asked about heaven, and they now know that in heaven we will be perfect again. They still struggle at times (they are only seven) to understand why there is hurt in this world.

What do you explain to a child? Well here it goes (my version anyway), God created the sky, he created the pretty grass, he created the ocean that we love to swim in. He created you, he created the ones you love and he created me. When we pull ourselves out of the negative aspects of the world, you can start to see that there is real beauty here and that God didn't mean for us to be miserable. Good things come to those who wait (yes its cliché), so pray and start to look for things around you that are special to you and know that those are all a gift from God.

Let's Forgive

There are people in my life who have build me up. However, I also have a number of people who would do anything they could to break me down. In my heart, I know that it is really Satan working in my life playing on my fears, and my vulnerabilities. We all have people that we like and people who we don't like, just like we have people that like us and people who don't like us. It's a part of the life that we live while we are on this earth in a world of sinners, including ourselves.

I personally have tendency to hold a lot of bitterness inside myself. I don't trust many people, because they haven't given me a reason to trust them. I bottle things up and just when I think I have pushed something away, it pops right back up. My way of taking care of my bitterness is to push it aside and try to ignore it. I don't like people to see my bitterness but I have been told that I do not have a poker face, therefore almost everyone can see what I am thinking.

There was a time in my life where a group of adults hurt me. Not only emotionally but spiritually. I went through a time where all I did was ask God why that was happening to me. I had been a believer at that point and had been for years, but I was still learning. I couldn't see that it was Satan slipping in where he didn't belong and destroying things. To this day, I still struggle with those memories because they did change my life forever. When we go through something, whether its good or bad, it changes our lives.

The people that hurt me during that time have moved on with their lives but even talking about it makes me angry all over again. I cannot get my head around the fact that they were all able to move on while I am still stuck in the past, bitter, hurt and angry. These feelings come and go, but when they come I am ready to fight and stand up for myself because that's not something I could do when the incident happened.

In talking with my mom, she helped me realize that the problem isn't the fact that no one ever apologized to me, the problem is that I never brought myself to forgive them. A person that hurt me all those years ago has re-entered my life. I have been very negative about it, but that's a real problem because I cannot continue to hold that person responsible for what an entire group did, nor can I continue to hold it against this person when they have moved on.

I am saying all of this because forgiving someone after I have built up such resentment and bitterness, is not something that I can do over night. However, its not something that I can put off any longer. If God held everything I have ever said or done against me, my life would be terribly miserable. We were all forgiven at one time or another so its time that I do the same. If there is something in your life that you have been holding a grudge against, or someone you have never forgiven, pray with me this week and no matter how long it takes, we cannot give up until we give it over to God and forgive, just as we are forgiven.

Heart For Giving

What another super busy day. I had a big long list of things to do and places to be. What's funny is that my pastor just talked about spreading ourselves too thin. Others have told me that I have a tendency to do that, but as I say, like mother like daughter. My mom is a power house, if someone needs something done she does it. For my entire life I have watched her reach out and help every single person that she could. Even when our resources were getting low she always found a way to push on and move forward. I want to say that I have some of those qualities too. I don't see them as spreading too thin, because these things are what our lives are wrapped around.

My major in college is communication. I chose that field because I love all of the aspects that are under that field. I don't have one certain thing that is my focus because I love doing it all. I have volunteered for non profits from the moment that I was old enough to do something. My mom taught me the value of service. In doing so, I have realized that both her love language and mine are through giving and listening. People have always found their way to us when they have something heavy on their hearts. I feel love pouring in when someone trusts me enough to pour out their heart.

The other way that we show love is through giving. I am not a person who hugs my siblings to feel close to them. That has caused many problems in the past with people looking in on my family, but I show them love through giving. Whether that's time and service or driving them to school. With my mom, she is always buying things for other people. Even when money is tight, she finds a way to do it anyway. It is both a love language and one of her spiritual gifts.

Somehow, no matter how much we are struggling, there is always enough for us to serve others. I said earlier that it seems like we are spreading ourselves too thin. In a way I guess that we are spreading ourselves but it is so fulfilling knowing that our God will provide for us. I feel blessed for having the opportunity to give and to love through giving of gifts and service.

I trust that my God will always provide. Even though I get worn out, He gives me the strength to do what I love and show love.

Women of Christ

If you haven't noticed, I did not post a blog yesterday. Yes I know I didn't but I was fellowshipping. I had the opportunity to spend time with a group of lovely women. A large group of ladies, myself included went to something called a Woman's Sanity Night. It was put on by another local church. It was anything but a sane event. It was wild, wonderful and fulfilling. However, the only draw back was that it got over around 10:30pm. By the time we arrived home I attempted to drag out my computer but sleep was calling my name.

Growing up in my church, there were always kids that were younger than me, and kids that were older than me. For the most part, I was accepted into both age groups, but I ended up either being young than, and behind a group of kids, or I was older than, and ahead of the group of kids. By ahead and behind I mean that I was in a higher or lower grade then the kids/ youth. I found my group of friends and I loved/love them dearly but when it came down to certain problems, there was never anyone that could understand what it was like going through those problems.

So I grew up and turned eighteen. Went off to school and made some friends/ It wasn't the same though, because the friends that I made at school were non-believers. I longed to have a connection with a group of believers, where I was their equal. A group of ladies at the church attempted to include me in their circle as well because I was finally an adult, but it was still awkward and I still felt out of place.

People have come and gone from our church. I miss the relationships that I had with those who have left, but the feelings of outsiderness (that's not really a word) never really changed. Then it happened, the church which consisted of about five families began to grow. It happened slowly but it happened. Our group of ladies in the church grew and grew. Most of these women met me after I was an adult so they never had to look at me as a child. Still sometimes I find that because I look so young, people tend to figure that I am not an adult, but not these ladies.

Our group has grown into a beautiful sisterhood in Christ. I have come to know and love the women of Gallup Hill Baptist Church (not that the men and children great too). Though most of these women are moms, and I am not, they treat me as their equal. In their eyes I am an adult. There is this respect that I have never really received. I am in awe of how much prayer really works. It took longer than I had wanted it too, but that's because I wanted my life to follow my plan. I am so beyond thrilled to see this change in my life. Though I am younger than almost all of the women, it doesn't feel that way. I feel like I am their equal. I look up to these women because they are true women of God.

I am so blessed to be able to call myself one of the Women of Gallup Hill Baptist Church. We are on fire for Christ. We have become a family, and a support system that catches you when you are falling. I give the glory to God and I want every woman to know that they have the opportunity to join us because we leave NO one out. I thank God for this time in my life where I can grow and learn from other Godly women!

We Believe!

Wow, I can't believe this day is finally over. From the moment that I woke up, we were on the go doing so many things. I have to say though, that its way better than the reality that will hit at the end of August when we go back to school. I must apologize that I got not one, not two, but three of my little sisters sick. The apology comes because when they are sick the world becomes a pit of despair all around them. I praise God today though because I am finally feeling better. The best part was that I was well enough to sing praises to the Lord without coughing up a storm.

Tonight was the second night of our new worship team rehearsal. I have to say that God was roaring like a lion through the voices of many Christians tonight. It is such a blessing to be singing along side of strong Christian people. Though I am the "co-leader" I sit and learn from the two pastors that are singing with me. I have to say that I am pretty blessed to be in their company. This experience has not been an easy one in the past but we are rejoicing with God that things are looking up and getting better.

I introduced a song to the team that I have mentioned on this blog before, but its a song that has really touched my life. I was nervous about sharing it since this song means so much to me but their reactions were all positive. The song is called "We Believe". I am a person who worships through song. The lyrics to this song have a very strong meaning not only to me but to other believers. They encompass all of the things that we believe as Christians.

To understand my thought process regarding this song, I feel that one, you should listen to it, and two that I should share some of the lyrics.

"We believe in God the Father
We believe in Jesus Christ
We believe in the Holy Spirit
And He's given us new life
We believe in the crucifixion
We believe that He conquered death
We believe in the resurrection
And He's comin' back again, we believe"

These are the fundamental things that set us apart from non-believers. We believe that Jesus saved us from being punished for our sins. We may some of this aside in our daily lives but we really can't. If it weren't for God sending His only son, we would be paying the price for our sins already. He SAVED our lives, whether you believe it or not, He did it. He gave us a second chance starting the second that we are born. We are born again when we accept Christ and we are washed clean. That's what the lyrics describe.

The second part of those lyrics say that we believe He was crucified. Jesus hung on a cross, bloody and beaten so that we would not have to suffer that pain. God gave us His son to take that pain from us. That pain was real and there is no denying it happened. Again its easy to forget because it happened a long time ago, but we cannot forget it because we would have suffered that if Jesus hadn't died there.

Not only did Jesus die that painful death on the cross, but He defied everything that the adversary brought against Him. He rose from that grave and He was resurrected! Three days after His brutal death He came back again. He didn't come back to condemn us for what we (humans) did to Him, He came back to let us know again, that we were saved by the grace of God alone and nothing else.

Finally, we know that one day He will come back for us. This is not something that I like to think about or talk about. I have to admit that this part still really scares me. However, I know that its true. God will be coming back to save us yet again. I fear death but He isn't coming to bring death upon us, He is coming to take us to heaven to be with Him. We have no idea what the time frame for that is, but it will happen.

So the next time someone asks you what you believe you tell them. I believe that we were saved. I know that we were saved and that God is our ruler and that He will one day come back and save us from this broken world. We believe that one day we will be in heaven, at the right hand throne of God our father and our savior.

Words

In our house, we have a family of full of therapeutic children. This means that they come from a variety of backgrounds, but they are children non the less. For the beginning parts of their lives they have been raised in chaotic, violent or neglectful homes. Each child that enters has had a different set of rules, a different way of doing things and a different set of behaviors. Coming into a family that is established with rules and standards of living must be hard. One of the things that I have noticed most, are the way that they speak to authority figures and people that are taking care of them.

For our kids, spewing hate was a regular thing for them growing up. They were only three and a half when we got them, but they were sponges. Their behavior really started showing more recently as they have gotten older. When I was growing up, the word Hate was never used. As we got older I have to say that used the word Hate more than I was supposed to. I tried to only use it when I hated certain things, but I will admit I have said it about a person before. The guilt almost killed me but I can't pretend that I didn't do it.

No matter how mad I made my parents, they never once said that they hated me. No matter how mad I got that them, I never said I hated them because that would be a complete lie. I may not have always liked what they did or how they handled my situations but I cant love them any less. However, the kids that enter our home have been told that they were hated. They have heard so much hate spewing from the mouths of those that were supposed to take care of them.

I get so frustrated when I hear the kids saying rude things to our parents because that's not how I was raised. We have tried to teach them that they have to be careful with words but they can't seem to understand. I get so angry at them when they spew their hateful words and I often want to spit them right back because they are so hurtful but then I try to remember that they were raised differently. They were not raised with the Lord in their hearts.

My parents are God loving, God fearing people who have chosen to take care of children that no one else wanted. When we signed up we did not sign up thinking that we could fix the kids. I have tried to change them and make them understand that words are powerful. God has said it time and time again in the Word. The tongue is a two edged sword. I have been so worried about the awful words that come out of the kids mouths, that I haven't paid attention to myself.

No matter what he words are, if they are meant for harm, they are sin. I think we can all say that no matter where we came from, we say things that we don't mean, and we say things that hurt others. We may not mean to say them, but its just like we tell the kids, once you say them you can't take them back. Lucky for us, we have a God that is forgiving. We have to remember that words can hurt and that saying things to hurt others is not okay and it's not how God created us to be.

It's like the song by Hawk Nelson, words can build you up and words can break you down. So lets stop and think before we speak because bringing people down is not how we should act. For those children who came from rough backgrounds, its our job to show them the love of Christ even when they don't show that love back to you.

Can't Catch A Breath

Over the past month, the old (by a few minutes) of our twins had two asthma attacks. She really hasn't had one in over three years. Her allergy and asthma medicine helped her breathe. About a month ago she got very quiet while we were entering a store and she walked over to my mom, pulled on her sleeve and said, "mommy I can't breathe". Of course my mom jumped into action and gave her the emergency inhaler. Its the one that they gave us a while ago when she first had trouble. It didn't seem to work, so we found ourselves in the emergency room.

After more inhalers and a steroid treatment, she was one, super hyper from the medicine, and two, she could finally breathe. It scared her that day, probably not as much as it scared her mom, dad and big sisters but she was scared. Then yesterday we found ourselves back in the doctors office because my little twin was having another asthma attack. I try to be sympathetic and understanding when this happens to her, but I honestly don't know what its like. I have had trouble breathing but no matter what, I've always been able to catch my breath. I know there are many kids out there facing the same issue all the time because they too have asthma.

It got me thinking about times in life where it felt like I couldn't breathe. I thought about, again, times of loss, when the world seems to be closing in. The light seems to be farther and farther away. The darkness of pain will swallow you whole faster than you can blink. Once one bad thing is happening its only fitting that more and more problems pile on top, until it literally feels like the world is on your shoulders. With the weight of all that pain, it becomes very difficult to catch a good breath.

Sorrow is not only an emotion, it can become a way of life and a way of thinking. Your heart becomes heavy and it seems that there will be no relief and no way out. You desperately want to get back to the light and be relieved of all the world's weight. However, how are we to do that when its our natural human tendency to stay in a pit of despair.

Bear with me for a second and think about it from an asthmatic child's point of view. Their chests get heavy and full of pressure. This would compare to our feeling that the weight of the world is on us. The child can't catch their breath and they are becoming very scared. This compares to adults trapped in darkness and thinking that there's no way out. We are gasping for relief just like the child is gasping for air.

So how do we get any relief, how are we brought back to the light? Well for a child with asthma, the world (created by God of course) has provided us with medicine that helps open the child's airways. The medicine can save their little lives. So what does that mean for us? We can't take breathing medicine to help relieve us. Well here's the good news, God can save us. When we can't breathe, He breathes for us. When it looks like we are being pulled into darkness, His hand reaches out to set us free and when it feels like the weight of the world is on our shoulders, He takes the world and carries it on His shoulders.

We can breathe because He helps us breathe when we can't seem to catch a breath. So fear not, if the world is on your shoulders and taking your breath away, call on the Lord because He will take the world off your shoulders and restore you.

Coping

Today I had a conversation with my cousin. She is older than I am, and I have always admired her. I had the privilege of growing up in a Christian home, where both of my parents were believers. The earliest time that I remember accepting Christ was when I was five years old. So I have never really lived a life without knowing the love of God. My cousin, however, was raised by two divorced parents who were dead set against any sort of religion. As she got older she began to make her own choices and while she was in high school, she gave her life to the Lord. I was beyond thrilled.

She and I have a very special relationship. I was always in her shadow but she looked out for me. She and I are a lot alike in how we deal with bad situations. We both have a love for photography and we like to see things just as they are. I have said it before, that my grandma is dying. Some of my relatives dislike that I share that information, others don't think those words are appropriate.

I realize now that the difference between us all, is that we cope with situations differently. My family has faced a lot of terrible situations, and so have many of you. Today I had the time to stop and think about how I actually cope with things. To be honest, I like things kind of blunt. I like to say and here things just as they are. If someone has died, just tell me they died. To others, that sounds rude and crude. When I say it, I don't say it to offend anyone, it is my way to understand what is happening. I like the cold hard facts, no matter how much they hurt, I would rather get it over with sooner rather than later. That way, when I'm on my knees (rather one knee because the other is useless for kneeling), I know exactly what to bring to the Lord.

So here it is, I've never had a desire to talk about how I cope, nor how I bring things to the Lord. However, today I realized that I cannot be the only one who copes with trials in this way. My relatives made me feel like I had done something wrong so I backed down. I did some searching within myself and came to the conclusion that in order for me to cope, I need to tell people. For me, I need as many people as possible to know because if I kept it all in, I would crumble. Its not a secret and its pain that I am feeling too.

When I was talking to my cousin I realized that I needed to think about it from a Christian perspective. The majority of my relatives are not believers. They may know who God is but, at this point, they choose to turn away from Him. I cope by telling everyone because I have a vast number of prayer warriors. It got me thinking that they can't fully accept what is happening because when they admit it, they don't have a savior to turn to. I pray that they can find the Lord. I do not understand how anyone deals with loss and pain, without the Lord.

God brought to my attention, that I cannot be selfish and angry with them for getting upset with me. In their minds, stating how things actually are, is not a way to cope. It brings them closer to something that they cannot deal with. It takes an army of prayer warriors and believers in Christ to get us through these rough times. I pray for people like my relatives, that they can find Christ. I pray that they don't wait until they hit rock bottom but if they are already there, that they find God and that they find the peace that He brings into our lives as believers.

We Are the Body

During our ladies bible study today, we briefly talked about similar traits that the women have in our church. Someone (the pastors wife), said that she has noticed that when someone is in need, there are always at least ten people lined up and ready to help. When I stopped to really think about it, that is very true.

Recently, I have shared that there is a lot going on in my life. Its not very pleasant nor does it help lift my spirits. There have been days when the world is crashing down on me and I feel very alone. I often sit in my self pity and wonder if anyone would notice if I went missing. Of course these are not logical questions because I know the answer to all of that. As Christians we know that we are never alone because God is always with us. We know that He is here but sometimes we desire the love of a physical person.

I have always been proud of my church because no matter who it was that was attending, they were always welcoming to visitors and each other. It gets to the point where visitors are tired of hugging church members. That is how we show others God's love. Its not only through preaching but through disciples of Christ.  When ever I have gone to other churches, I realize how blessed I am, when not even one person says high to me while I'm in the congregation.

God brings the right people into our lives at the right time. I truly believe that. My family is being sent through the ringer with so many issues right now. This is a time where, in the past, I would have felt so alone in the darkness that surrounds me, but I'm not. Our church family is being attacked from all sides. Whether that be, death of loved ones, illness, loss of a baby, a friend and so much more, but we are strong.

When I even look upset, there are at least three women, literally at my side ready to catch me when I fall. I don't even have time to feel alone before someone reaches out to me from the church. My church family is there when I need them most. They call, they text, they hug, they talk, they bring food and they bring love.

I don't know where I would be without these God loving women and men! The reason that we are facing so much trial and tribulation is because we are strong in the Lord. I pray that you find that love of God in a body of Christ. As pastor said today, we are all part of the body of Christ and we all are important to that body. We all have a role and we are all needed. Never feel alone, not only because God is always with us, but because you have a role in a church body. I don't know where that church body will be for you but I challenge you to find it. If you are already part of a church, make sure that you are working as part of the body because you ARE needed.

Happy Sunday!

He Prevails

There is a song that I have been listening to for a little while. As I have said before, music lives in me and whether its listening, singing or playing to a song it means something to me. While I was in the car I had my music on and the song "We Believe" came on. I love the lyrics and I think they encompass everything that it is to be a Christian. There is one phrase in the song that sparks a passion inside my heart. I am going to share it with you before I go any farther.

"And the gates of hell will not prevail! For the power of God, has torn the veil! Now we know Your love will never fail! We believe, we believe!"

It is a really hard thing to grasp. It would be so easy to enter the gates of hell because they are always open and ready to take people away, but the thing is, that heavens gates are open as well and it only takes one thing to get you there. The gates of hell are powerful because Satan is powerful. He has a grasp on this secular world and he will gladly take you with him but what's even greater than his power, is the power of Christ. He is the one true King.

Bad things will happen to us in this world because we are sinners. This world is not perfect and we have to live in this world until the day that we die. Its hard to understand that God made this world perfect and it was us in combination with the devil that made this world imperfect. God sent His only son to save us from our sins. That means that when we die we can go to heaven because someone already paid the price for our failings. It doesn't, however, mean that we will never experience pain and loss.

The stronger that we become as Christians the harder Satan tries to break us down and put out that fire in our souls. It can be overwhelming. When we are suffering greatly, no matter what the cause of the suffering is, we find it hard to grasp the fact that our God is stronger. That's the thing, He doesn't wait for us to understand how or why He does what He does, He just does it because He is stronger.

Those lyrics have power because of how true they are. The gates of hell will NOT prevail because our God has saved us and our God will watch over us. There is no need for us to be fearful of Satan because God can and has overcome Satan and the gate of hell. They won't ever leave, but they hold NO power over us and the love that we have for Christ. Satan wants us to turn from God but our God is greater than any sin, pain, loss, hurt and suffering.

No matter what we spit at God His love NEVER fails us and I want you to know that because I know that. If I didn't know that I wouldn't be here today trying to make you understand the power of Christ and the power that He has over my life and over yours. So remember that OUR God prevails and don't ever forget that.

Turn to the Lord

Every year the kids come home from school with a paper that is requesting foster families. All around I see signs and poster advertising to potential foster families. My family is one of those families that took notice and decided to sign up for foster and adoptive care. At the time I was only about 13 years old, to me, foster care meant having a new kid in the home that we could play with. My parents went through training and we were placed with a four year old. It was my picture perfect dream life. I begged my mom to let me help take care of her and I did.

She got up for daycare, I got up for school and I would help get her all ready and organized for the day. She was my little sister and that's all I understood. Then one day (it had been coming) the state came and took her from me (us). I still remember that day as she looked through the back window of the car waving goodbye with a sad look on her face. That was the first real loss that I ever suffered and I blamed the state. With that child in particular, it worked out in the end because she was reunited with her mom and they are doing fantastic.

Then there was another. We ended up adopting her and again I was thrilled, its just what I always wanted. The state started calling us in to classes where we would speak about the greatness of foster care and adoption. Soon after the adoption we learned that the child had a mental illness that prevented her from bonding to the family and that caused her to have anger outbursts. The state, who had loved us so much, would not help. No matter how long we begged. We begged for them to help her heal and still nothing. This went on for three years. At that point I was already fed up with this government.

Following the adoption of the third child we were placed with a set of twins, who also had the same problems that the other child had. However, in my head it didn't matter because they were only 3 1/2 and I couldn't understand how a child that young could already have mental health issues. Following the twins, we received a baby. She was a beautiful, perfect gift from God. I believe that she was part of our answered prayer at the time. She had no issues at all, she slept, she ate, she played and she loved. She brought a new sense of love into our home.

She was removed from our home after a year. Now many people were quick to say that these kids were only foster kids. I have been told that I shouldn't love them all as much as I do. However, most of these kids had never even experienced love so they didn't care which way I loved them. I will not let anyone tell me how to love or not to love a child of God. It has taken me a long time to cope with being placed with children who need loads of therapy and are violent but you don't just give up on children of God.

In talking with other foster moms recently it has become apparent that the state, though they are still begging for new families, does not treat their current families very well. When you ask for help, help is not there, when you pour you time, love and effort into the kids it doesn't matter. I can't imagine being part of a family who does foster care without also knowing that God is our Savior. Each loss, no matter how long you have had the child or children is still a loss. We have to trust that God had them with us for a purpose and for a reason. God has called us to help shape the children and bring them up in the way of the Lord. This is not only true for biological children but adopted and foster children as well.

I have to admit that unconditional love is something that I still struggle with but I can't find any other reason for all of those kids to be placed in our home, other than by the grace of God. The state isn't going to change, nor do I see them helping in the future so its time to turn to God. I say it so often and its a really hard thing to do but what is the point of all of this mess, if it isn't to glorify God and take care of His children.

Today I personally would like to say thank you to all of the foster/ adoptive moms and dads out there who are battling with the state. Its a lot like spiritual warfare and if you don't have on the right armor (the armor of Christ) then you are bound to lose. So together we stand, not backing down or giving up  because this is the work of God that we are doing and we have to remember that we aren't doing this for the state, we are doing this for the precious children that God brought to this earth.

Can't Back Down

Tonight a journey began. There are so many changes happening at my church. I guess you can say that there have been changes going on at my church for years now. Some leaders left us and I took it personally. I don't talk much about it because for me it was a real loss. Others have come and could only serve for a certain time. During that time they made fantastic changes that were a good preparation. It all led up to now. There was a point where my family almost left the church for good but God was telling us to stay. We didn't know why but I just had a feeling.

Over the past few months our church has seen great change. The biggest change was in our numbers. Numbers are not important when it comes to worshiping Christ but there are just certain people, that when they are brought together changes happen for the better. Praise band stopped being a chore some time ago and it became fun. More recently, at least once a Sunday I get chills while up on stage because finally, the congregation is louder than the music. The sound of believers coming together through song is an experience that no one could forget.

Tonight a group of strong Christians got together to form a praise band. We are just in the initial stages but God's house was once again on fire! I keep saying that and I'm sure its getting old, but I pray that someday you get this experience as well. Walking into the church tonight, I had so many things on my heart. My grandma, my blood pressure, my family, the troubles that my friends are facing and so much more. On a side note, that's the wonderful thing about the church, they do not require you to leave your baggage at the door.

Being a leader is something that I strive to be but is still something that I struggle with. I am young and speaking in front of people has never been my strong suit. The moment that the music started playing it was like everything was lifted off my shoulders. Through music I gave it all to Christ. I cannot say that I will leave it all with Him because I have already said that surrendering is one of my weak spots.

A wise man reminded us tonight that as we grow together and become a vibrant, God loving, God centered praise team the adversary will take notice and he will go after us. It was a point that I had to really think about and take to heart. I have seen it happen before and I have seen the pain that it causes, but in these past few months I have also seen what its like for a group of God loving people to come together and sing songs of praise. There is nothing like it and nothing better than hearing the love of God pour into songs.

So I say get ready Satan because Gallup Hill Baptist Church is alive and roaring for Christ. Let our songs of praise be heard every where that they can because I'm not backing down and neither is this church family. We will not be quiet until every person knows the name of Jesus Christ and His mighty reign!

Send Your Glory Upward

The house of the Lord was on fire tonight at Gallup Hill Baptist Church. For a few months we have been planning this one day Upward clinic. We used to hold Upward Camps, this is how we have met some pretty awesome mission teams. Last year we chose not to hold the camp but when this year rolled around we decided to take a shot.

During our eleventh season of Upward this last winter, we did a lot of fundraising. During that fundraising we were able to pay for 17 scholarships for kids who wanted to play and couldn't afford it. By the end of the season we still had some leftover money that we put away. We did some research and realized that we had enough money in the bank to hold a one day clinic without charging anyone.

We began advertising for it all over the place but the response was very slim. We understood that it was summer, but we were kind of disappointed because this was a free event. None the less, we planned it and got the ball rolling. More disappointment came when we were looking for volunteers to help. We asked and held a training where only two other people attended. It was not looking good for us. I just asked God why it wasn't working. I mean really it was completely free!

Well God had the last laugh tonight. We had more than enough volunteers there to help this clinic run smoothly. We had ordered 40 basketball kits for this night but we figured that there would be left overs. As people started pouring in, our numbers grew and grew. We had a goal of 30 kids, we prayed that even that many would show up and they did. We had 48 kids in that gym tonight. 48 kids who worked well together, didn't fight, no one got hurt, and best of all, during the devotion they were quiet and they actually paid attention.

We had a wonderful opportunity to share the message of Christ not only to a great group of kids, but their parents as well. I was filled with joy and gratitude that God made this night so spectacular. It just goes to show again that when God is in control there's no telling what could happen. I am beyond thrilled that He provided us with this many children. We are so blessed to have had the funds to put this all together. Tonight we once again proved to this community that God is not dead in the town of Ledyard, that He is alive and roaring!

As you go to bed tonight stop and think about how God is working in your community. He will far exceed our dreams and goals if we let Him take control, because when He does He can't be stopped!

No More Control

I really struggled over what I wanted to write today. What is on my heart is very personal and I wasn't so sure that I wanted to share it. However, here it goes. Control is something that I have struggled with for a good part of my life. Those who know me, know that I have Fibromyalgia which is a pain disorder that sends pain through every nerve in my body. I have come to accept that I have this disease and I believe that God gave it to me so that I could one day help those who are fighting this same battle, and I have had that wonderful opportunity.

This is a disease that I am used to having but I have never gotten over the fact that I have no control over my body and the amount of pain that I am in. I have medicine but that can't fix all of the damage that this disease has done. That is one thing that I can't control.

I have actually made a list in my head (in the past) of all of the things that I can't control in my life. I tend to focus on those things. I found that I have no control over life and death. When I was 18 I lost my best friend to a motorcycle accident, I lost my grandmother before that, I lost a baby that I loved with all of my heart (she was foster and isn't dead but we have been removed from her life). More recently I lost my uncle and my Grandma, the woman who raised me along side my parents has a cancer that will be taking her life in the near future. I cannot control any of those losses. People have told me that part of foster care is giving the children back but until you have foster children do not be so quick to believe that its easy to give back the children that you poured your love and work into.
I can't control my health, I can't control who likes me and who doesn't. I can't control how many people come to my church or where my family choses to live.

There are a lot of things that I cannot control. So to compensate that I try to control everything else in my life and in the lives of those around me. If you happen to be close to me I am sure that you have seen my control issues. One issue surrounds my siblings, especially the one that is closest to me. She may be getting married but since the day she was born I have had some sort of control over her life because she was "mine". She was my baby sister and that gave me a sense of control, however now that her life will no longer be intertwined with mine I am having to learn to let go of my control over her life. Its so hard for me to do this. I also struggle with the fact that I cannot control what horrible things happen in the lives of those I love.

I am a follower of Christ and He is supposed to be in control but I have to admit that for so long I have not given Him control. I try to fix things myself and take care of everyone else. So I myself did a little experiment thinking I was so smart. I decided that after my church shrank smaller and smaller until all of my friends no longer attended and only 13 people went to church, that I would give it to God. I finally gave up my fight over forcing people to come to church because obviously it wasn't working.

I did that two years ago. The first of those two years, nothing really happened in the church, or so I thought. So I kept praying trying to leave control in God's hands. Well right now we have tripled that number. God has brought in so many people and I love each and every one of them. I don't even remember life without these people. I no longer go to church wondering which family will leave next, I go to church, look around and wonder who else will join our family. I let God take control of this situation and I guess you could say that He "passed" my test.

As I said before giving control over is the hardest thing for me but God has already showed me that He is in control. When I sit here and feel like my life is out of control, that's a true statement. It is out of my control, because the person who's really in control of my life is God, whether I want Him to be or not. When I stop fighting Him for control my life is filled with joy and blessings. So I am making this goal public. I will fight myself to turn control over to God. I'm sure that I am not the only one who needs to turn some things over to God. I have a lot to turn over and I challenge you to come along side me and let Him take over and make our lives go in the way He has them planned to go!

For the Love of Children

Summer is a time full of weddings. I am of marrying age and many of my friends are married with families, even my little sister is engaged ready to be married. It's not like I haven't noticed that I am still single. Usually it would be the parents job to ask when I am getting married, but not in this house. In this house its the 7 year old that questions me. Every time we watch a "romantic" (well as romantic as a children's movie can get) she turns to me and asks me why I'm not married. My response is always I don't know.

I have to be honest and say that there are many times after she asks, that I turn to God and ask Him why I'm not married. Envying is talked about in the Bible and its not a good thing to feel. However, I am human therefore I am a sinner. Every time I see someone my age get engaged or married I am happy for them for a moment but at the same time I always turn and say, when's it my turn?

As I have said in the past, my family had the amazing opportunity to raise a baby for a year. At that point I was already an adult and I was in college. My role in the babies life wasn't like a sister, nor was it like a parent, I was somewhere in-between. When we lost her I felt like I lost a part of my heart, it has since healed a great deal but the pain is still there. What I envy more than marriage is when people my age have children. Beautiful, healthy, happy children who will not be taken away from their families.

This is something that I have been dealing with for such a long time. I know that I am young but in my heart, I know what I desire. I also know that right now God sees my entire future. I don't know when I will be married, nor do I know if I will be blessed with children, but what I do know is that God has all of the answers and that someday soon I will learn that plan! This is why I continue walking the path that I am on because the other path is far to depressing.

Sometimes God sends me little reminders about living in the present rather than wishing so hard for the future. He does this through the children in my life. I am blessed with so many opportunities to care for others children and I have had the opportunity to raise a set of beautiful twins for three years now. I don't know any of their futures but what I do know is that each and every one of them has a love for Christ, it is an unconditional, beautiful, magical love that is so hard to explain but so visible.

Between the singing, dancing and playing there is not much time left to dwell on what I don't have because what I do have is giggling away in front of me. There is nothing more special than sitting at the breakfast counter (or table) and hearing the kids begin to pray on their own or sing a church song that they had heard many days ago.

As believers we cannot just focus on saving the older unbelievers. Our attention should also be on the children and instilling in them the love that we feel for Christ. We must let them see the glory of God in our lives. Share with them the blessings of God and let Him work in their lives as well. Children are truly a gift from God and we need to nurture this gift whether they're your children or not they are all children of the One True King and its time to realize that they are such a blessing.

Profession of Faith... Again

For a long while now I have contemplated starting this blog again. I have done this once before and I said that I would continue blogging but I didn’t. I got angry and bitter and I didn’t want to think about the blessings that God was placing in my life. Recently I have felt that God was calling me back to this “ministry”. This is my venue for professing my faith and I have missed writing out my thoughts and observations. So here I go again making another attempt at sharing God’s work in my life.

In church service today, the message was about Spiritual Gifts and how we can apply them to our lives. When I took a spiritual gift inventory I found that my two strongest gifts are Faith and Wisdom. I laughed when I got the results because I am only 21 years old and I really doubted that my spiritual gift could be faith or wisdom. As Pastor went through these two gifts I began to see that I have had the opportunity to use these gifts and it was through this blog. No matter what has gone wrong in my life I have faith that God will get me through it. Don’t get me wrong, I have been angry with Him before but I could never turn away no matter how badly I may have wanted to.

There has been so much loss in my life and my family’s life for some time now and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. As I am watching the lives of those around me I am noticing that there is loss in so many of our lives. We are being attacked by the devil. I am surrounded by both old and new believers, but the key is that I am Surrounded. Over the past few months my church has seen so much growth and it has created a fire for Christ inside of me. My family is broken right now but no matter how bad things get, so many good things have happened. God has brought AMAZING people into and back into my life.    

A few months ago I was in the midst of a family crisis, in which lives were threatened and fear and anger were the only two emotions I was feeling. On the day that the danger escalated to its highest  was able to see God’s glory. I had the opportunity to witness not one, but two ladies in my church give their lives to Christ. It is inexplicable, the joy that I felt on that day. No matter how hard Satan attacked me that day, I will remember it, not as a horrible day but as a day where God’s glory shone through it all.

I have noticed that the stronger my church family grows, both as individuals and as a whole, there has been a lot of spiritual warfare going on. So many of us are fighting battles as individuals yet somehow God has placed us all together and the worse the warfare gets, the stronger our bond becomes. God is shining at my church, in my life and in the lives of people around me.
I leave you with this for the evening; the devil is bringing sorrow and loss into our lives. He wants us to turn to God with anger and place the blame on God. As my family faces more loss in the near future so I turn my eyes to God because He already knows how my life is going to play out. Satan banks on us turning away from God when things go wrong, but I have one thing to say to Satan: Nice try.