Just Exhale

I have spent the past month pretending like I am not handicapped. When I park in my handicapped spot behind my dorm I move swiftly hoping that no one saw me. I haven't told anyone that I have Arthritis and I have avoided all health related conversations. Until last week I never told my new suit mates that I suffer from Arthritis. I was so scared that once they knew they wouldn't think of me as me, rather they would think of me as that lucky girl who gets special treatment for having a disability. I have spent most of this month ignoring the pain and pushing myself harder than I should have. I pray that when I leave the dorm room I don't run into anyone from my old dorm, that remembers me as the girl that always wore a giant brace on her knee.

The more I tried to pretend that there was nothing wrong with me, the more angry I got with myself. I am supposed to be an advocate for 50 million people that live with Arthritis in the United States and the 300,000 children that suffer from Arthritis, and here I am hiding out. Why has it become so hard for me to speak out about something that I am passionate about? It has added stress to my life, which in turn causes my psoriasis to act up, which makes it obvious that something is wrong with me. I am so tense, and I feel like a fraud because I do have a disability and I am hiding it from everyone.

I was so wrapped up in hiding my disability at school that I forgot to invite my friends from home to the walk. My two best friends that have been with me through all of the ups and downs, and have seen me at my most vulnerable stage of my pain. They have helped me with the walk for years and I forgot to tell them. I didn't use social media to advertise for the walk because I was worried that someone from school might read it and spread the fact that I have Arthritis. I messed up big time and I felt horrible because I didn't have my two biggest supporters with me at the walk and I was beating myself up for it.

Before the Mystic Arthritis Walk, and I spent hours standing on my feet baking 110 cupcakes, about 15 dozen various cookies,  rice krispy treats and brownies for a bake sale. My knee was killing me by the end of the night, and when I got to the walk yesterday morning the pain was terrible and I ended up only making it through one lap on the course. For the first time in weeks, I was okay with the fact that I was in pain because I was surrounded with people that understand, accept and love me. For the first time in a while, I was finally able to exhale because I had nothing to hide, and nothing to worry about except raising money for the foundation. 

Though I didn't deserve it, God came through for me once again because while I was sitting at the walk texting one of my best friends and apologizing I looked up and my best friend was walking toward me. It was God's way of telling me that He is in control and that I needed to stop hiding out because He has placed people in my life for a reason. Seeing my best friend there reminded me that with the strength of God, and with the amazing people that God put in my life, I can do anything. I can be the voice for 50,000 people. I do not have to hide a major part of my life because I fear being ridiculed again.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace." Ephesians 6:10-15

We are called to stand up for ourselves and for others. This verse does not just pertain to standing up for the messages of Christ but standing up against all evils of this world. We are not called to hide out in fear of facing our enemy, we are called to stand firm and be strong through Christ. So it is my challenge for you in the next couple of weeks to pray about something that you have been to timid to do. Stand firm with the strength of the Lord and speak out. If you see someone else hurting because they aren't sure where to go from the point that they are at, encourage them to stand firm and strong. As for me, I am no longer hiding who I am, and with God I will re-enter my job as an advocate. 

**If you are reading this and have any questions about Arthritis, or assistance for a disability feel free to contact me, or contact a representative from the Arthritis Foundation. God provided us with the resources that we need so be open to using them!**