I have been on "bed rest" for over a month now. I have missed school, basketball games, youth events, church, and so many other things. Now the doctor wants me to try something, but I don't know where to start. Do I go right back to school? Or do I go back to youth group? Despite what one out of my four doctors says, I don't feel ready. I know that I need to do something, but where should I go, when I still have trouble walking. I spend most of my time sleeping. I am beginning to overwhelm myself with thoughts and confusion.
The way I feel now, is how I picture a new Christian. Learning everything at once would be ridiculous. I was too young to remember when I became a Christian, but I see new Christians struggling to find a place to start, and no where to turn. The Bible seems impossible to read because of the length. Christians who have been around awhile need to step up, and welcome our brothers and sisters in Christ. It is not enough to just witness, we must follow through, and not let them stray. Bring that person to your place of worship, but do not let them go out on their own.
"Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good unto all people, especially those who belong to the family of believers" Galatians 6:10. It is our duty to help new fellow Christians stay on the path of life, that the Lord set. I am not expecting you, or I to bring every single person we witness to, to church, but I know that I will bring as many people as I can.
The best thing to do, is stay open so that other believers can come to you in times of trial. I try very hard to be ready to help anyone who crosses my path. Whether new believers, or "old" believers, if someone comes to you for help, or you see someone struggling, take their hand and help. This post seems rather mushy, but this subject is important. If you are the one sitting around trying to figure out where the start is fold your hands, close your eyes, and pray. The Lord will show you the start. He will guide you along your path, and pick you up when you fall. There are many ways to start, but the right way is through the Lord.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Repairing, Rebuilding.
For a few months now, one of my sisters has been acting up. I know that we all lie at some point in our lives. We are not free from sin. I have lied in past times for the silliest things, and I am sure that regrettably I will do it again. The difference between me and my sister, is that when I lie I feel so awful that I "turn myself in". My mom knows me well in that aspect. I rarely lie because I can't live with the guilt. I punish myself internally. I am not here to say that I am perfect, but lying is the one thing that I am better at controlling than other temptations that I fall for.
My sister lies all the time. She lost my trust a long time ago. Recently, however, she has gained it back. When things around the house went missing I didn't suspect her anymore. When she told me a story, I began to believe that it was true. She was getting older, and I knew that it was not my place anymore to keep living in the past, and holding it against her. Then, the other night, something went missing. We turned the house upside-down looking for this object. It was very important and had us all worried that we would never see it again. My sister came down, pretending that she found the object, and when we dug a little deeper, we found out that it was her, that took it.
I felt like I got slapped in the face. I was so proud of her for starting to tell the truth more offten. Well, I was very wrong. She had never stopped lying, I just began to believe the lies. I wanted to slap her, I wanted to tell her to get out of the house. I was so frustrated. It felt like she took my trust in her and threw it back at me. I was hurt and upset. She has started to be mean again too. When she went to her room, in anger, she began to play with my bells. I have collected those since I was in the womb. In a matter of 10 minutes after she went up there, we heard a crash and some glass breaking. I knew the moment I heard glass shatter, what she had done. I broke down in front of my other sister. I can't walk, I can't check on anything upstairs, I just had to sit here and wait to see the damage.
I know that I am not her parent, but I feel like it sometimes. I try to help her, and I have talks with her to help her, but nothing seems to be working. My mom and I sat with her, and gave her the freedom to tell us anything. I held myself together pretty well I think. Yet still, I have to learn to be patient. She may not be going through anything but a new phase, but I cannot contain, or control her. The Lord explained love to us through the Word. Many people know 1 Corinthians 13, but most people, also see it only concerning relationships and couples. The first part of that verse popped into my head when I was talking with my sister. "Love is patient, Love is kind". Even just those two descriptions are telling us that if we really love, then we need to have patients, and that even with siblings, we need to be kind.
It is so hard to see my sister make bad choices and lie all the time, but it is not my place to get angry and punish her. I am her sister. Just writing this isn't going to change my life, but admitting it is a start. As her older sister, it is my job to check up on her, and help her on her walk with the Lord. I need to show her the love of Christ. Siblings are parts that make up families. We are all parts that make the whole, but we can't do that without the Lord being the glue that brings us together. With the Lord's help, we will be able to repair what has been changed and broken.
My sister lies all the time. She lost my trust a long time ago. Recently, however, she has gained it back. When things around the house went missing I didn't suspect her anymore. When she told me a story, I began to believe that it was true. She was getting older, and I knew that it was not my place anymore to keep living in the past, and holding it against her. Then, the other night, something went missing. We turned the house upside-down looking for this object. It was very important and had us all worried that we would never see it again. My sister came down, pretending that she found the object, and when we dug a little deeper, we found out that it was her, that took it.
I felt like I got slapped in the face. I was so proud of her for starting to tell the truth more offten. Well, I was very wrong. She had never stopped lying, I just began to believe the lies. I wanted to slap her, I wanted to tell her to get out of the house. I was so frustrated. It felt like she took my trust in her and threw it back at me. I was hurt and upset. She has started to be mean again too. When she went to her room, in anger, she began to play with my bells. I have collected those since I was in the womb. In a matter of 10 minutes after she went up there, we heard a crash and some glass breaking. I knew the moment I heard glass shatter, what she had done. I broke down in front of my other sister. I can't walk, I can't check on anything upstairs, I just had to sit here and wait to see the damage.
I know that I am not her parent, but I feel like it sometimes. I try to help her, and I have talks with her to help her, but nothing seems to be working. My mom and I sat with her, and gave her the freedom to tell us anything. I held myself together pretty well I think. Yet still, I have to learn to be patient. She may not be going through anything but a new phase, but I cannot contain, or control her. The Lord explained love to us through the Word. Many people know 1 Corinthians 13, but most people, also see it only concerning relationships and couples. The first part of that verse popped into my head when I was talking with my sister. "Love is patient, Love is kind". Even just those two descriptions are telling us that if we really love, then we need to have patients, and that even with siblings, we need to be kind.
It is so hard to see my sister make bad choices and lie all the time, but it is not my place to get angry and punish her. I am her sister. Just writing this isn't going to change my life, but admitting it is a start. As her older sister, it is my job to check up on her, and help her on her walk with the Lord. I need to show her the love of Christ. Siblings are parts that make up families. We are all parts that make the whole, but we can't do that without the Lord being the glue that brings us together. With the Lord's help, we will be able to repair what has been changed and broken.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
We Are the Body Of Christ.
The title Church is held very high in the relm of expectations. Inside the building there are supposed to be prim and proper church- goers. At most churches, that is not even close to words of description. Churches are filled with sinners. Every single person sins. A church is a place of worship, where Christians can come together in fellowship, and learn about the Lord. No one is perfect in the church, that title of perfection comes by those who have never set foot into the building. Those who are on the inside, know that every church has a family inside of it.
I love to call the members of my church, my family. The bond in a place of worship is amazing... sometimes. I cannot lie and say that we are all the perfect cookie cutter church body. I don't think any church could fit in that mold. Just like in a family, people fight. Those fights, or times of tention test the strength of that particular church family. Those who leave, will forever leave a mark in our family. I myself have been hurt many times at my church, but I have always seen everyone there as my family. When someone hurts us, we need to forgive. No matter how mad I am at my siblings, or how frustrated I get with my parents, we fix things and move forward.
I believe that God is in the church during times of struggle. Those who believe that the church has lost sight of the Lord, need to think again. The Lord never leaves, the people inside of the church change. I also believe that in a family we need to help each other, and build each other up, and let go of past wrong-doings, so that we can set the church body on fire for the Lord. We also need to remember who we are coming to worship every Sunday. We cannot let ourselves come to church, just to see our friends.
I am guilty of bringing drama to the church, but I am not alone. I had to learn that my behavior was not that of a Christian, and that I was bringing my sin to church, but never asking the Lord for forgiveness. There was a time, when I felt not welcomed, because my friends like someone else better than me. I have been able to look back on that, and see how wrong I was. I made church, like school. There was drama, gossip, bullying and harshness. I am glad that I continued to come, and that with the Lord, my past mistakes were forgiven. I am not the only one who is guilty of that. Others still drag their dirty laundry to church and use worship as the time to be angry as a fellow church member.
Not one of us is a perfect person. The church is made up of sinners, ask any church member. The little quirks and patched up wounds bring us to where we are now. My church changes constantly, but we are Gods people, and together as the Church family, we face each test that comes our way. Christians are people too. We don't enter the church and become perfect people, we bring our lives and our journeys in, and together we can usually create something great.
I love to call the members of my church, my family. The bond in a place of worship is amazing... sometimes. I cannot lie and say that we are all the perfect cookie cutter church body. I don't think any church could fit in that mold. Just like in a family, people fight. Those fights, or times of tention test the strength of that particular church family. Those who leave, will forever leave a mark in our family. I myself have been hurt many times at my church, but I have always seen everyone there as my family. When someone hurts us, we need to forgive. No matter how mad I am at my siblings, or how frustrated I get with my parents, we fix things and move forward.
I believe that God is in the church during times of struggle. Those who believe that the church has lost sight of the Lord, need to think again. The Lord never leaves, the people inside of the church change. I also believe that in a family we need to help each other, and build each other up, and let go of past wrong-doings, so that we can set the church body on fire for the Lord. We also need to remember who we are coming to worship every Sunday. We cannot let ourselves come to church, just to see our friends.
I am guilty of bringing drama to the church, but I am not alone. I had to learn that my behavior was not that of a Christian, and that I was bringing my sin to church, but never asking the Lord for forgiveness. There was a time, when I felt not welcomed, because my friends like someone else better than me. I have been able to look back on that, and see how wrong I was. I made church, like school. There was drama, gossip, bullying and harshness. I am glad that I continued to come, and that with the Lord, my past mistakes were forgiven. I am not the only one who is guilty of that. Others still drag their dirty laundry to church and use worship as the time to be angry as a fellow church member.
Not one of us is a perfect person. The church is made up of sinners, ask any church member. The little quirks and patched up wounds bring us to where we are now. My church changes constantly, but we are Gods people, and together as the Church family, we face each test that comes our way. Christians are people too. We don't enter the church and become perfect people, we bring our lives and our journeys in, and together we can usually create something great.
Monday, March 28, 2011
When Plans Change.
It is a very difficult to change plans. When you have set plans months in advance and when that date comes around, you have to cancel. I have done that a lot lately. I was supposed to go to a Christian weekend. I was so excited to try something new and be with people that are followers of Christ. I had to cancel, because just a few days before the weekend, I had to go to the hospital again. It seems that I have to cancel all of my plans for the next few months.
This pain, and the surgery have now impacted my decision for college. I have grown close with my mom, and I am having a hard time considering a far away school. I have made lists for all of my choices, and when I am awake, I try to add to them. Today, my mom called the school, and withdrew our deposit. I thought that she was calling to tell them that I wasn't coming to the weekend visit, but she told them that I have decided not to go to that school. When she got off the phone I told her that I didn't mean for her to decline that school. She immediately apologized, and said that she would call them right back and say that she made a mistake, but I almost felt a sense of relief. I have been asking God to help me with this decision, and I think that was the answer to my prayer.
This year I planned the next four years of my life. I saw myself at that school, with my friends and having fun and working hard. With all of my medical issues, I began to question my dream. I began to really consider my back up school. I realized that it was a good school. This college decision is one of the harder ones that I will make in my lifetime. While this decision is being made, I have to think about high school too. I had plans to ace senior year, and be involoved in everything for my class. I now am at home, and I'm taking two classes online, and I can go to school for a few hours every now and then, when I feel up to it.
This has been a long rigorous test of my faith. I was making this year about me, and the plan that I made. Now in the back of my mind I am hearing "not my will, but Yours be done". I realize that the plan is not mine to create. I am supposed to live by the Lords plan. So many of us get wrapped up in the world, and making plans. Our plans will get broken because its not our right to plan our lives. The Lord knows what is going to happen to us in the future, and He sets a path for us. He answers prayers, and leads us in unexpected ways.
This pain, and the surgery have now impacted my decision for college. I have grown close with my mom, and I am having a hard time considering a far away school. I have made lists for all of my choices, and when I am awake, I try to add to them. Today, my mom called the school, and withdrew our deposit. I thought that she was calling to tell them that I wasn't coming to the weekend visit, but she told them that I have decided not to go to that school. When she got off the phone I told her that I didn't mean for her to decline that school. She immediately apologized, and said that she would call them right back and say that she made a mistake, but I almost felt a sense of relief. I have been asking God to help me with this decision, and I think that was the answer to my prayer.
This year I planned the next four years of my life. I saw myself at that school, with my friends and having fun and working hard. With all of my medical issues, I began to question my dream. I began to really consider my back up school. I realized that it was a good school. This college decision is one of the harder ones that I will make in my lifetime. While this decision is being made, I have to think about high school too. I had plans to ace senior year, and be involoved in everything for my class. I now am at home, and I'm taking two classes online, and I can go to school for a few hours every now and then, when I feel up to it.
This has been a long rigorous test of my faith. I was making this year about me, and the plan that I made. Now in the back of my mind I am hearing "not my will, but Yours be done". I realize that the plan is not mine to create. I am supposed to live by the Lords plan. So many of us get wrapped up in the world, and making plans. Our plans will get broken because its not our right to plan our lives. The Lord knows what is going to happen to us in the future, and He sets a path for us. He answers prayers, and leads us in unexpected ways.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
I Can't Please Anyone.
This week was like the cherry on top of everything bad that has happened. Every time I try to get up, Satan is right there to knock me down again. This doesn't mean that I have given up on God, it means that I am still letting the world get to me. After the incident at the hospital last week, I have not been able to sort through my emotions, nor can I make any decisions on my own. Everything that built up inside of me this past month, is now coming out. I am very overwhelmed. I have four different doctors involved in my care right now, but not a single one of them will listen to me. When they do that, I question myself, and wonder what's wrong with me.
The thing is, nothing is wrong with me. I am a person that was hand crafted by the Lord. To Him, I am special, and He is always listening. The newest doctor that I saw, told me that I should be going back to school, and that I should do my homework and get reading done. He met me for half an hour and all he did was talk to me. He didn't examine me, and he didn't believe that I was allergic to the medicine in the ER, it took me having to explain what happened, and that they gave me benadryl for him to believe. I went home and cried. I look at the books that I have to read and I feel like everything is out of control.
In my heart, I know that I am not ready to go back to school, emotionally or physically. This week I am supposed to decide which college I am going to, but I can't even pick out what I want to drink without having a melt down. I am embarassed and angry with myself. Everyone wants me to get back up and head right back to where I was before, but right now, sleeping is the only thing that keeps me from having pain, because when I am asleep I don't have to know that I am in pain.
Although I am not ready, I will be forced back to school. Right now I am in prayer because I will not be able to do this on my own. The ONLY way I will get through this is if God is with me. I need to reach out to Him, and realize that He knows what I need, and He will take care of me. I know that this is all a test, and I WILL pass it, but right now I need some help to get jump started. If nothing else that I say sticks with you, remember that, ALL things are possible with God. I do forget at times, but God always puts someone in my life that reminds me.
The thing is, nothing is wrong with me. I am a person that was hand crafted by the Lord. To Him, I am special, and He is always listening. The newest doctor that I saw, told me that I should be going back to school, and that I should do my homework and get reading done. He met me for half an hour and all he did was talk to me. He didn't examine me, and he didn't believe that I was allergic to the medicine in the ER, it took me having to explain what happened, and that they gave me benadryl for him to believe. I went home and cried. I look at the books that I have to read and I feel like everything is out of control.
In my heart, I know that I am not ready to go back to school, emotionally or physically. This week I am supposed to decide which college I am going to, but I can't even pick out what I want to drink without having a melt down. I am embarassed and angry with myself. Everyone wants me to get back up and head right back to where I was before, but right now, sleeping is the only thing that keeps me from having pain, because when I am asleep I don't have to know that I am in pain.
Although I am not ready, I will be forced back to school. Right now I am in prayer because I will not be able to do this on my own. The ONLY way I will get through this is if God is with me. I need to reach out to Him, and realize that He knows what I need, and He will take care of me. I know that this is all a test, and I WILL pass it, but right now I need some help to get jump started. If nothing else that I say sticks with you, remember that, ALL things are possible with God. I do forget at times, but God always puts someone in my life that reminds me.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
A Gift From God.
It has always been said that children are a "gift from God". I was lucky enough to be born unto parents that truly believed that my sister and I were a gift. They had trouble getting pregnant, so when they did, I was their first miracle baby, and my sister was the second. No matter what happened, my parents made sure that my sister and I knew that we were loved.
When my sister and I got a little older, we made a family decision to get an adoption license. It took a while, but we got it and we were placed with a little girl. That is another very long story, but eventually her parent got better and was able to take her home again. For us, it was heartbreaking, but for her, she finally felt loved by her biological mother. A couple years later, we were placed with my other sister. She was ten at the time. When we first asked her if she wanted to be adopted into our family, she said of course. She was so excited to be part of the family. She did come from a loving home where her step mother took care of her. She was just one of the luckier foster kids. We adopted her almost a year and a half later.
When we talked about it as a family again, we agreed that we still had more love in our home that we would love to share. We now have 3 1/2 year old twin girls. They are just in foster care, but I fell in love with them the first time that they came to visit. I want to adopt them more than anything, but I need to let that go, and give that decision making to God. These girls at 3 1/2 went through more trauma than my now 12 year old sister ever did. They are beautiful girls, who brighten up the house. I make sure that I hug and kiss them all the time, and then I follow that up with saying "I Love You". At first, they would just smile when anyone said that, but now they are beginning to say it back.
It is hard to believe that a mother and father who can't handle kids, have them, while people who want kids more than anything don't. I believe though, that God has put these other families here, so that they will take care of God's precious children. I am very lucky and I know that. I know that I am loved, and that I am always welcomed home. God has given my family the opportunity to expand our family, and give love to children who get left behind.
When my sister and I got a little older, we made a family decision to get an adoption license. It took a while, but we got it and we were placed with a little girl. That is another very long story, but eventually her parent got better and was able to take her home again. For us, it was heartbreaking, but for her, she finally felt loved by her biological mother. A couple years later, we were placed with my other sister. She was ten at the time. When we first asked her if she wanted to be adopted into our family, she said of course. She was so excited to be part of the family. She did come from a loving home where her step mother took care of her. She was just one of the luckier foster kids. We adopted her almost a year and a half later.
When we talked about it as a family again, we agreed that we still had more love in our home that we would love to share. We now have 3 1/2 year old twin girls. They are just in foster care, but I fell in love with them the first time that they came to visit. I want to adopt them more than anything, but I need to let that go, and give that decision making to God. These girls at 3 1/2 went through more trauma than my now 12 year old sister ever did. They are beautiful girls, who brighten up the house. I make sure that I hug and kiss them all the time, and then I follow that up with saying "I Love You". At first, they would just smile when anyone said that, but now they are beginning to say it back.
It is hard to believe that a mother and father who can't handle kids, have them, while people who want kids more than anything don't. I believe though, that God has put these other families here, so that they will take care of God's precious children. I am very lucky and I know that. I know that I am loved, and that I am always welcomed home. God has given my family the opportunity to expand our family, and give love to children who get left behind.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Medical Update.
I have been blogging about my medical issues this past month. There have been a lot. It has been a long hard test that is driving me insane. I go through good nights and bad just like everyone else. I do sometimes ask God why He is doing this to me, only to be reminded that He is NOT doing it to me. I know that He will get me through this, but sometimes I forge. This is where my accountability partner steps in and makes me actually think about who I am placing the blame on, and where it really should be. Right now I am very very tired, and I didn't blog yesterday and I am not sure that I will tomorrow.
Yesterday my mom took me to one of the best hospitals in the state. I go there for my arthritis, and I was really looking forward to finally getting the help that I needed. I got to the emergency room at 12:30. My mom and I had eaten lunch at 12:00. We checked in and the waiting began. See the only problem with that was that we sat in the waiting room until 4:30. By then I was over heated and on the number scale, my pain was a ten. Three nurses came in to ask me all the same questions, yet none of them would give me any pain killers. Finally they gave me the IV medicine that worked well when I was in the hospital the last time, but the nurse only put half of the dose in that I always got. Of course it didn't work.
Twenty minutes later I went into X-ray, and then back to the room, where two different ortho people came and played with my knee. The women said that she needed to stick a needle into my knee and suck stuff out. She said that I would be put to sleep before it, and that made me feel better. Then, the ER nurse came in and told me that the atending said no to the sedative. She gave me an anti-anxiety medication. I received no pain killers, or numbing stuff. I felt everything that they did to my knee.
Then hallucinations began to arrive in my head. It was the worst feeling in the world. I tried to tell the nurse what was wrong but she just left me. I then began to have a seizure. Nothing was working, and the ER nurse told me that it was my fault because I was too anxious. A few minutes later, I couldn't feel my face, and then my arms and soon my legs. After a few more awful things happened, they gave me benadryl. I felt very sick all of a sudden, and I asked the nurse for medication. She said that she couldn't because it would have been too much for me, but at the other hospital I got it when I needed it. After that I threw up. I hadn't eaten in 12 hours at that point so it was not good. Then she gave me more nausea medication.
The ortho people wanted to keep me over night, but then the ER docs put a little more of the pain killer into me and sent me home. Today was not good at all. I needed to stay at the hospital. My mom filled me with sleeping pills today so that I didn't have to be awake to feel the pain. I am so blessed to have her with me. Tomorrow I am going with my dad to the doctor. I am not looking forward to it, because through all of this I have been with my mom. Shes my mommy. I love my dad so much, but like every other kid when I am sick its mom I run to. He tries his best but hes still a dad. I am just going to have to give it to God and not let my anxiety wash over me again.
Yesterday my mom took me to one of the best hospitals in the state. I go there for my arthritis, and I was really looking forward to finally getting the help that I needed. I got to the emergency room at 12:30. My mom and I had eaten lunch at 12:00. We checked in and the waiting began. See the only problem with that was that we sat in the waiting room until 4:30. By then I was over heated and on the number scale, my pain was a ten. Three nurses came in to ask me all the same questions, yet none of them would give me any pain killers. Finally they gave me the IV medicine that worked well when I was in the hospital the last time, but the nurse only put half of the dose in that I always got. Of course it didn't work.
Twenty minutes later I went into X-ray, and then back to the room, where two different ortho people came and played with my knee. The women said that she needed to stick a needle into my knee and suck stuff out. She said that I would be put to sleep before it, and that made me feel better. Then, the ER nurse came in and told me that the atending said no to the sedative. She gave me an anti-anxiety medication. I received no pain killers, or numbing stuff. I felt everything that they did to my knee.
Then hallucinations began to arrive in my head. It was the worst feeling in the world. I tried to tell the nurse what was wrong but she just left me. I then began to have a seizure. Nothing was working, and the ER nurse told me that it was my fault because I was too anxious. A few minutes later, I couldn't feel my face, and then my arms and soon my legs. After a few more awful things happened, they gave me benadryl. I felt very sick all of a sudden, and I asked the nurse for medication. She said that she couldn't because it would have been too much for me, but at the other hospital I got it when I needed it. After that I threw up. I hadn't eaten in 12 hours at that point so it was not good. Then she gave me more nausea medication.
The ortho people wanted to keep me over night, but then the ER docs put a little more of the pain killer into me and sent me home. Today was not good at all. I needed to stay at the hospital. My mom filled me with sleeping pills today so that I didn't have to be awake to feel the pain. I am so blessed to have her with me. Tomorrow I am going with my dad to the doctor. I am not looking forward to it, because through all of this I have been with my mom. Shes my mommy. I love my dad so much, but like every other kid when I am sick its mom I run to. He tries his best but hes still a dad. I am just going to have to give it to God and not let my anxiety wash over me again.
Monday, March 21, 2011
God's Gentle Reminder.
Almost a month ago I found myself in excruciating pain, laying on my bed, waiting for the doctor to call me into the ER. I hadn't been outside in over a week, and I wasn't looking forward to it. Everything seeemed to be going wrong, and I was tired of hearing everyone say that they were praying for me, when to me, it looked like God forgot about me. When I got into the car and we pulled out, I began to see flakes of snow. It made me smile for the first time since the pain started. It was then that I realized God was with me, and that He was going to get me through.
When I was little, I began to love snow. As I got older snow became the one solid thing that could always make me feel like everything would be okay. When I see the snow, I picture it being God. As snow falls, before it sticks, it is wet, and it washes away dirt. Then it proceeds to cover everything in its beauty. Making everything new and special. I think of God in that same sense. He washes away our sins, and He covers us with His love. Snow has become something that will bring me to tears, just because I see it as God sending a message to me that He will take care of things.
The snow season ended abruptly after I went into the hospital. Since then, life has gone on and the pain has gotten worse. So many things in my life are changing and I am struggling to keep going. Every single night the pain is so severe that I pray for God to just let me go. I have become frustrated with God, because so many people are praying for me, and I am pleading with the Lord to take this all away and let me heal, but it's just getting worse. Last night was one of the worst nights I have had since February. I had to talk it through with a friend because I was ready for a mental breakdown. I went deep into prayer and felt a little more at peace last night, but I was still very anxious.
Today, I woke up early because all four of my sisters were making some sort of loud noises every time I would start to fall back to sleep. My mom called all of my doctors and we got different responses. It just seems that all I ever get is bad news, and the pain was getting worse because it was raining. A little while later, when I looked out the kitchen window, there was snow coming down. God sent this snow to remind me that He is still there, and although I am in more pain than I can deal with, He will send the help that I need. Today, this snow is God's way of telling me to keep holding on, because He still holding onto me.
When your life is falling to pieces, and no one has the answers, look around, because I am positive that God is still there, and that He is sending you some sort of silly sign to remind you that He loves and you will never leave you.
When I was little, I began to love snow. As I got older snow became the one solid thing that could always make me feel like everything would be okay. When I see the snow, I picture it being God. As snow falls, before it sticks, it is wet, and it washes away dirt. Then it proceeds to cover everything in its beauty. Making everything new and special. I think of God in that same sense. He washes away our sins, and He covers us with His love. Snow has become something that will bring me to tears, just because I see it as God sending a message to me that He will take care of things.
The snow season ended abruptly after I went into the hospital. Since then, life has gone on and the pain has gotten worse. So many things in my life are changing and I am struggling to keep going. Every single night the pain is so severe that I pray for God to just let me go. I have become frustrated with God, because so many people are praying for me, and I am pleading with the Lord to take this all away and let me heal, but it's just getting worse. Last night was one of the worst nights I have had since February. I had to talk it through with a friend because I was ready for a mental breakdown. I went deep into prayer and felt a little more at peace last night, but I was still very anxious.
Today, I woke up early because all four of my sisters were making some sort of loud noises every time I would start to fall back to sleep. My mom called all of my doctors and we got different responses. It just seems that all I ever get is bad news, and the pain was getting worse because it was raining. A little while later, when I looked out the kitchen window, there was snow coming down. God sent this snow to remind me that He is still there, and although I am in more pain than I can deal with, He will send the help that I need. Today, this snow is God's way of telling me to keep holding on, because He still holding onto me.
When your life is falling to pieces, and no one has the answers, look around, because I am positive that God is still there, and that He is sending you some sort of silly sign to remind you that He loves and you will never leave you.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Lose Control, Lose Chaos.
I have talked before, about having a mild form of obsessive compulsive disorder. I like it when things are organized. That doesn't mean that everything is perfectly clean, but that there is an order to it. My house has always been all over the place. Sometimes it's organized, and other times we are too busy running around to clean up right away. Through all of that, I always knew that when I walked into my room it would be as organized as I left it. I kept everything in the order that I loved. I will admit that when laundry was put all over my floor by my siblings, I had a tendency to kneel on the floor and cry. The worst was when I had a bad day, and I came into an unorganized bedroom. To add control to the chaos in my head, I would clean like crazy, but now I am stuck in bed on the first floor of my home.
Last week, my sister had to move into my room. I was upset that this was happening, but we came to the aggreement that she wouldn't change anything until I was well enough to get upstairs. Well with help the other day, I went up the stairs to clean up, and after I was done, I peered down the hall into my room. I immeadiatly panicked. I hopped down the hall into my room, to find everything out of place. My neatly organized book shelves and vanity, we in shambles. My sisters belongings were everywhere. There was not one place in the room that was mine anymore. There were hooks stuck in the wall, and clothes thrown across my "faith" sign. About a year ago, I began to change everything in my room from secular posters, to Bible verses in frames, and matching decorations. I had candles and sofistocated pictures. I was moving my room from a pre-teen room, to a young Christian woman's room. All of the work was destroyed. When I tried to relay that frustration to my parents, I got a reaction of unhappiness. They scolded me for not understanding my sisters "situation".
Well, first of all, I should say, that they read this blog, and to them, I also say, that although I was extremely hurt that they didn't understand, I also was given some wisdom on my relationship with the Lord. My biggest issue was that my one place where I had total control, and my place to be with the Lord and figure things out, was taken over by the person that I sometimes need to get away from. I do not have a place of my own anymore. I understand that its whats best for the family, but I was hurt by this loss of control. See, the Lord tells us that we need to lean not on ourselves, and give everything to Him. I need to lose that control, because it is not mine to have in the first place.
It is one of the hardest things that I fight myself on every single day. I give control of my mind to the Lord, but I still hold onto my secular material objects. I think that sometimes I don't want to let go of some of the things that I think I have full control over. The fact of the matter is that in the end our methods of control, are sin. The control that the Lord has on our lives, is amazing. If we give Him everything, and lean on Him, He will see us through.
Last week, my sister had to move into my room. I was upset that this was happening, but we came to the aggreement that she wouldn't change anything until I was well enough to get upstairs. Well with help the other day, I went up the stairs to clean up, and after I was done, I peered down the hall into my room. I immeadiatly panicked. I hopped down the hall into my room, to find everything out of place. My neatly organized book shelves and vanity, we in shambles. My sisters belongings were everywhere. There was not one place in the room that was mine anymore. There were hooks stuck in the wall, and clothes thrown across my "faith" sign. About a year ago, I began to change everything in my room from secular posters, to Bible verses in frames, and matching decorations. I had candles and sofistocated pictures. I was moving my room from a pre-teen room, to a young Christian woman's room. All of the work was destroyed. When I tried to relay that frustration to my parents, I got a reaction of unhappiness. They scolded me for not understanding my sisters "situation".
Well, first of all, I should say, that they read this blog, and to them, I also say, that although I was extremely hurt that they didn't understand, I also was given some wisdom on my relationship with the Lord. My biggest issue was that my one place where I had total control, and my place to be with the Lord and figure things out, was taken over by the person that I sometimes need to get away from. I do not have a place of my own anymore. I understand that its whats best for the family, but I was hurt by this loss of control. See, the Lord tells us that we need to lean not on ourselves, and give everything to Him. I need to lose that control, because it is not mine to have in the first place.
It is one of the hardest things that I fight myself on every single day. I give control of my mind to the Lord, but I still hold onto my secular material objects. I think that sometimes I don't want to let go of some of the things that I think I have full control over. The fact of the matter is that in the end our methods of control, are sin. The control that the Lord has on our lives, is amazing. If we give Him everything, and lean on Him, He will see us through.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Like A Good Neighbor God's Always There.
I was watching television today, and there was a state farm commercial on. I love their new commercials, they are so funny. Different people find themselves in different situations, and one friend sings the State Farm jingle, and their agent appears. Then the other friend sings it and makes something appear with the agent. I'm sure I heard this idea somewhere, but as I was watching, I thought of God. He is ALWAYS there.
In my life I have tried to hide from God. It sounds silly right now, because I know that God sees everything in my life. When I feel like I am falling apart, and awful things are happening in my life, I would turn to God and blame Him for everything. I tried to make myself believe that He wasn't there, and that He wasn't listening to me. It was easier to believe that, than to admit that I was just not calling on Him. I think that I was trying to push out the one solid thing in my life. With God, you can never really fall apart because He won't let you.
We play the blame game and the anger card. There is so much making us feel chaotic, that we want to pick a central area to place all of that anger and all of that blame. When we finally bury ourselves deep enough, we won't find rock bottom. We will find ourselves faced with a choice, give up and the Lord will hold you from falling, or reach out and accept the God's outstretched arm. No matter where you are, or what you've done, when you call on the name of our Lord, He will be there.
So God holds true to the state farm jingle. He is always there. However, in the commercial the clients sing the jingle to get their agents to appear, but with God, you don't have to speak a word, and He is there. It is a gift, and a promise that was made to us. In the second half of Matthew 28:20 the Lord said, "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
In my life I have tried to hide from God. It sounds silly right now, because I know that God sees everything in my life. When I feel like I am falling apart, and awful things are happening in my life, I would turn to God and blame Him for everything. I tried to make myself believe that He wasn't there, and that He wasn't listening to me. It was easier to believe that, than to admit that I was just not calling on Him. I think that I was trying to push out the one solid thing in my life. With God, you can never really fall apart because He won't let you.
We play the blame game and the anger card. There is so much making us feel chaotic, that we want to pick a central area to place all of that anger and all of that blame. When we finally bury ourselves deep enough, we won't find rock bottom. We will find ourselves faced with a choice, give up and the Lord will hold you from falling, or reach out and accept the God's outstretched arm. No matter where you are, or what you've done, when you call on the name of our Lord, He will be there.
So God holds true to the state farm jingle. He is always there. However, in the commercial the clients sing the jingle to get their agents to appear, but with God, you don't have to speak a word, and He is there. It is a gift, and a promise that was made to us. In the second half of Matthew 28:20 the Lord said, "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
Thursday, March 17, 2011
God Sees What's Going On.
We all get into a position where we have sinned, but we do not want to talk about that sin. We feel either feel guilty or we are embarrassed to think that anyone would find out.We are so quick to point out other's mistakes, but when someone points out ours we try to hide. It is a fact written in the Bible, that we have sinned. We are all sinners, but someone else has already paid for our sins. "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life" John 3:16. That verse is so commonly known and it becomes routine. It is so much more than that though. When we sin, we are embarrassed and we feel guilt but we get to live. Jesus died FOR our sins so that we had the chance to live our eternal life.
I will be the first to admit that every single day I have sin. Now, when I am caught in the sin, I am not going to admit it as freely as I do now. Think about children, when they get caught taking a cookie, they try and hide the cookie, and pretend like they haven't done anything wrong, even though Mommy sees that cookie. It's obvious that Mom that the child took something, but they try and let the kid admit that they have done wrong. We try to ignore our sin, and pretend that God doesn't see it, but He does, and He is waiting for us to admit that we are wrong.
We try to make excuses and find ways to get out of trouble. God can see everything that we do even when we think that we are alone. He hears every thought that we have. The only way to make yourself right with God is to confess to Him our sin and ask to be forgiven. I was reminded of that this week during Bible study. We try to justify in our minds, the sin that we have committed. Hiding sin will put a block in our Christian walk.
This next week, make it an effort to admit your sin and find forgivness from the Lord. It won't be an easy task but it is an important one.
We must first confess that we have done something wrong, and then we can ask for forgiveness from the Lord.
I will be the first to admit that every single day I have sin. Now, when I am caught in the sin, I am not going to admit it as freely as I do now. Think about children, when they get caught taking a cookie, they try and hide the cookie, and pretend like they haven't done anything wrong, even though Mommy sees that cookie. It's obvious that Mom that the child took something, but they try and let the kid admit that they have done wrong. We try to ignore our sin, and pretend that God doesn't see it, but He does, and He is waiting for us to admit that we are wrong.
We try to make excuses and find ways to get out of trouble. God can see everything that we do even when we think that we are alone. He hears every thought that we have. The only way to make yourself right with God is to confess to Him our sin and ask to be forgiven. I was reminded of that this week during Bible study. We try to justify in our minds, the sin that we have committed. Hiding sin will put a block in our Christian walk.
This next week, make it an effort to admit your sin and find forgivness from the Lord. It won't be an easy task but it is an important one.
We must first confess that we have done something wrong, and then we can ask for forgiveness from the Lord.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Where Is Your Heart.
When we are young, and I guess even some when they are old, are taught to ask Jesus into our hearts. He lives in our hearts. Not in the literal worldly definition, but in the spiritual definition. Those of us who were young when we accepted Jesus into our hearts forever, were not quite old enough to understand that your heart plays an even bigger part in our faith. Anyone can sit at a computer and write a blog of testimonies, or become a Sunday School teacher, or be in a leadership roll at the Church, but we are wrong, if we are involved in all of these things, and our hearts are not in the right place.
We become hypocrites, when we preach of living our lives for Christ, even though in our hearts, we are not fully devoted to Him. I am always reminded of the movie, "Left Behind". Ministry heads, especially Pastors and Reverends are held to a higher standard than your average worshiper. Although in God's eyes we are all equal, here in this world, we expect more of them. We trust that they know the Word, and that they are leading us in our walks. This doesn't really seem fair, when we all are supposed to live our lives showing the love of God, but that how it is. In the movie, you are brought into a church, where the pastor is standing at the pulpit crying out to the Lord, asking Him, why he was left behind. Later in the movie, he realizes that he was just speaking the words, and his heart wasn't in it. You could say that he wasn't practicing what he preached.
Prayer cannot just be words that you speak out of routine. You cannot fully accept the love of Christ if you live with more doubt than faith. Even the worldly definition of the word faith says "complete trust". The Lord has provided us with His Word so that if we have the slightest amount of doubt in our hearts, we can read what He has to say. Next time you open your mouth to pray, first think about where your heart really is. Are you about to divote the next few seconds/minutes/hours to the Lord completely. Or is your mind wondering and taking your heart along with it.
At my house, when we were little we were taught different prayers. As little kids we couldn't remember in depth prayers, so we learned the simple ones for things like the blessing's for meals. Some Christians change that prayer as they grow older and are able to form their own prayers that come from their hearts. My sister, however, insist on praying the EXACT same prayer for every meal. Sometimes they rush through it so that we can eat. Those prayers have become impersonal, and I know that when I pray them, I don't put my heart into it, and its so routine that I don't really need to think about it.
I challenge you to stop before you open your Bible, or begin praying. Figure out where your heart is. Are you ready to listen and accept anything that the Lord could be about to tell you? or is this another fluff prayer that you have said so many times its tattooed to your eyelids. Jesus is in our hearts, we have accepted Him in. It's time to take another look and stop rushing through everything because we are too "busy" to slow down. This is a matter of heart and head. Don't make this about your chaotic life, and no time to do anything. God created us, we wouldn't be here without Him, so we need to make time. Clear your head and open your heart fully.
We become hypocrites, when we preach of living our lives for Christ, even though in our hearts, we are not fully devoted to Him. I am always reminded of the movie, "Left Behind". Ministry heads, especially Pastors and Reverends are held to a higher standard than your average worshiper. Although in God's eyes we are all equal, here in this world, we expect more of them. We trust that they know the Word, and that they are leading us in our walks. This doesn't really seem fair, when we all are supposed to live our lives showing the love of God, but that how it is. In the movie, you are brought into a church, where the pastor is standing at the pulpit crying out to the Lord, asking Him, why he was left behind. Later in the movie, he realizes that he was just speaking the words, and his heart wasn't in it. You could say that he wasn't practicing what he preached.
Prayer cannot just be words that you speak out of routine. You cannot fully accept the love of Christ if you live with more doubt than faith. Even the worldly definition of the word faith says "complete trust". The Lord has provided us with His Word so that if we have the slightest amount of doubt in our hearts, we can read what He has to say. Next time you open your mouth to pray, first think about where your heart really is. Are you about to divote the next few seconds/minutes/hours to the Lord completely. Or is your mind wondering and taking your heart along with it.
At my house, when we were little we were taught different prayers. As little kids we couldn't remember in depth prayers, so we learned the simple ones for things like the blessing's for meals. Some Christians change that prayer as they grow older and are able to form their own prayers that come from their hearts. My sister, however, insist on praying the EXACT same prayer for every meal. Sometimes they rush through it so that we can eat. Those prayers have become impersonal, and I know that when I pray them, I don't put my heart into it, and its so routine that I don't really need to think about it.
I challenge you to stop before you open your Bible, or begin praying. Figure out where your heart is. Are you ready to listen and accept anything that the Lord could be about to tell you? or is this another fluff prayer that you have said so many times its tattooed to your eyelids. Jesus is in our hearts, we have accepted Him in. It's time to take another look and stop rushing through everything because we are too "busy" to slow down. This is a matter of heart and head. Don't make this about your chaotic life, and no time to do anything. God created us, we wouldn't be here without Him, so we need to make time. Clear your head and open your heart fully.
Monday, March 14, 2011
When Does It Stop Lord?
After being in the hospital for a week, and having a second surgery, things were looking up. I went to the doctor last week, and things looked pretty good. I started physical therapy the other day, and it hurt but it went well. Today I praised God because I was able to climb out of the car all by myself, and climb onto my bed. I was very excited to see the first signs of progress. A good friend of mine came over tonight and things were going well. I was able to interact without sleeping and for all of today I really hadn't taken my heavy pain killers. I thought that my testimony found its happy ending..... but oh, how wrong I was.
The Lord must have more in store for me. Today I got my stitches out after them being in for two weeks. Everything looked kind of messy and bruised but for the most part alright. We also were watching a three month old baby for the day. God answered a pray for me there. I was able to hold her, and rock her. I felt like someone needed my help! It was an amazing feeling to have after all of this. I talked to an old friend today, and worked on yearbook. I felt that God was helping me get everything back on track.
Then when my sister got home from school she wanted to see my knee, and I figured that it was harmless with the new brace. When I pulled back the ace wrap, there was a lot of blood, and it was different colors and the hole was huge. I am repulsed by it still. My mom put a large bandaid over it, and when we went to change it, it was right over my other partially healed hole, and it pulled some glue off of the end of the large incision. Sometimes I feel like I just can't win. I am in a lot of pain right now and I want to curl up and cry. I have prayed, I have gone to doctors, but my body won't cooperate.
I found a verse that the Lord definitely led me to. "When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days, you will return to the Lord your God and obey Him." Deuteronomy 4:30. If I am in a large amount of pain, and forget to turn to the Lord like we all have done, He doesn't leave, He waits for you to turn back to Him. It was a comfort to me as I received more bad news. Tomorrow is a new day and a new chance to fix my knee. I have to keep going because God will get me through this new patch in the storm.
The Lord must have more in store for me. Today I got my stitches out after them being in for two weeks. Everything looked kind of messy and bruised but for the most part alright. We also were watching a three month old baby for the day. God answered a pray for me there. I was able to hold her, and rock her. I felt like someone needed my help! It was an amazing feeling to have after all of this. I talked to an old friend today, and worked on yearbook. I felt that God was helping me get everything back on track.
Then when my sister got home from school she wanted to see my knee, and I figured that it was harmless with the new brace. When I pulled back the ace wrap, there was a lot of blood, and it was different colors and the hole was huge. I am repulsed by it still. My mom put a large bandaid over it, and when we went to change it, it was right over my other partially healed hole, and it pulled some glue off of the end of the large incision. Sometimes I feel like I just can't win. I am in a lot of pain right now and I want to curl up and cry. I have prayed, I have gone to doctors, but my body won't cooperate.
I found a verse that the Lord definitely led me to. "When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days, you will return to the Lord your God and obey Him." Deuteronomy 4:30. If I am in a large amount of pain, and forget to turn to the Lord like we all have done, He doesn't leave, He waits for you to turn back to Him. It was a comfort to me as I received more bad news. Tomorrow is a new day and a new chance to fix my knee. I have to keep going because God will get me through this new patch in the storm.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Listen To Me.
Lately I feel like no one is listening to me. I don't know if they haven't listened to me from the start or if this is just because I'm stuck in bed all the time. I told the doctor that something was wrong way before my emergency room visit, and he ignored me and made me wait, and now look at me. Then I told my sister not to date a boy that asked her out because he wasn't right for her, and she went along and told him they were dating, mom found out and my sister had to break his heart. If she had listened that poor boy would be fine right now. Any leadership position that I held before I had surgery, is now a joke. No one (I'm exaggerating) is listening and it's frustrating. I'm sure that at one point you have felt this way, ignored and disrespected.
When I was thinking about how upset I was over this, I realized that God tells me what I am supposed to do, all the time, and I don't always listen. Think about it in your life. You wanted to go to that certain place, but inside you knew something was wrong. You knew that your wants were not those of a follower of Christ. If you're like me, you end up in awful situations that could have been avoided if you had listened to God. When people don't listen to me, I get angry, and I don't want to give them another chance when they come to me for help. They ignore me once and I try to rid myself of them. When the anger subsides I realize that I'm wrong, usually.
We are very blessed that the Lord does not turn away from us when we ignore Him. He waits for you to turn around and reach out to Him for help. He has a plan for every single one of us already, but at times we try to take that into our own hands and do what we want. Everything that God is telling us is keeping us on our path. When we hurt, the Lord hurts. He is not there to make sure that you never get to do what you want. He is guiding you.
I know that I will continue to listen to myself and ignore His commands, but I hope that if I think about it, I will remember how it feels when I am ignored. You cant too. Next time you feel the Lord calling, do what He wants you to do. You may find that the outcome is one you actually enjoy. Our God is amazing! No matter how many people ignore you, the Lord is ALWAYS listening to you. If you take nothing else but that from this post, then you will be alright.
When I was thinking about how upset I was over this, I realized that God tells me what I am supposed to do, all the time, and I don't always listen. Think about it in your life. You wanted to go to that certain place, but inside you knew something was wrong. You knew that your wants were not those of a follower of Christ. If you're like me, you end up in awful situations that could have been avoided if you had listened to God. When people don't listen to me, I get angry, and I don't want to give them another chance when they come to me for help. They ignore me once and I try to rid myself of them. When the anger subsides I realize that I'm wrong, usually.
We are very blessed that the Lord does not turn away from us when we ignore Him. He waits for you to turn around and reach out to Him for help. He has a plan for every single one of us already, but at times we try to take that into our own hands and do what we want. Everything that God is telling us is keeping us on our path. When we hurt, the Lord hurts. He is not there to make sure that you never get to do what you want. He is guiding you.
I know that I will continue to listen to myself and ignore His commands, but I hope that if I think about it, I will remember how it feels when I am ignored. You cant too. Next time you feel the Lord calling, do what He wants you to do. You may find that the outcome is one you actually enjoy. Our God is amazing! No matter how many people ignore you, the Lord is ALWAYS listening to you. If you take nothing else but that from this post, then you will be alright.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Living With Regrets.
Many people walk around regretting past events, or broken relationships. It leaves you always living in the what if land. What if you hadn't said that to that person, what if you made more of an effort. You get pulled down by everything that you can't control anymore. When something bad happens to us, we need time to heal, and bring ourselves together to move on. You cannot dwell over what has already happened, you look toward the future, and what is in front of you right now. God is always working in your life. When you make a mistake, give it to God and He will use that in your life.
The one thing I truely understand is that God will always be there. Even though I only see rain now, eventually the storm will clear and I will find the rainbow. Sometimes you feel God telling you not to say that one thing you want to say, or do something not pleasing to Him, but you do it anyway. Typically when I follow what I want and not what God wants, I find myself backed up against a wall, but no matter how badly I have messed up God is there with an outstretched arm waiting for me.
I have this, lets call it a problem. In my heart I always feel the need to explain everything I feel. Sometimes when I pour my heart out, the person who is listening sees me in a new light, or they see something in my life that gives them hope in their lives. Then there are times like right now, where I explain what I am feeling, or let someone know the truth, they run. I know that I can be blunt and I sound angry and mean, but in my head, I just want them to see what I see. In that case, I am left hurt and angry with myself for speaking when I should have remained silent.
God is watching all of this happen in my life and most of it is part of His plan for my life. When I fall off the path He holds out His hand to help me back on. I use that analogy often because that is how I picture what He does for me when I make mistakes. I give it all to the Lord and He takes a bad situation in my life, and turns it into something good. Sometimes my mistakes become a testimony for those finding themselves in the same situation. Other times it is a reminder to me that God is always there no matter what.
So when you are stuck with a dark cloud over your head, search for the light and cling to it. Do not regret anything, because everything that has happened to you, led up to who you are today. They say that "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger", and in a way they are true, with God you are made stronger even when you think that you are too weak. I do not regret what has happened to me, sometimes I wish maybe I listened to the Lord in the first place, but the fact of the matter is, I didn't. Let go of regrets, and give them to God. Look at your past and see where God has changed bad into good. God gave you life, so don't live regretting what you can't change.
The one thing I truely understand is that God will always be there. Even though I only see rain now, eventually the storm will clear and I will find the rainbow. Sometimes you feel God telling you not to say that one thing you want to say, or do something not pleasing to Him, but you do it anyway. Typically when I follow what I want and not what God wants, I find myself backed up against a wall, but no matter how badly I have messed up God is there with an outstretched arm waiting for me.
I have this, lets call it a problem. In my heart I always feel the need to explain everything I feel. Sometimes when I pour my heart out, the person who is listening sees me in a new light, or they see something in my life that gives them hope in their lives. Then there are times like right now, where I explain what I am feeling, or let someone know the truth, they run. I know that I can be blunt and I sound angry and mean, but in my head, I just want them to see what I see. In that case, I am left hurt and angry with myself for speaking when I should have remained silent.
God is watching all of this happen in my life and most of it is part of His plan for my life. When I fall off the path He holds out His hand to help me back on. I use that analogy often because that is how I picture what He does for me when I make mistakes. I give it all to the Lord and He takes a bad situation in my life, and turns it into something good. Sometimes my mistakes become a testimony for those finding themselves in the same situation. Other times it is a reminder to me that God is always there no matter what.
So when you are stuck with a dark cloud over your head, search for the light and cling to it. Do not regret anything, because everything that has happened to you, led up to who you are today. They say that "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger", and in a way they are true, with God you are made stronger even when you think that you are too weak. I do not regret what has happened to me, sometimes I wish maybe I listened to the Lord in the first place, but the fact of the matter is, I didn't. Let go of regrets, and give them to God. Look at your past and see where God has changed bad into good. God gave you life, so don't live regretting what you can't change.
Friday, March 11, 2011
When Disaster Strikes, Turn to God.
While most of us were sleeping last night, Japan was struck by multiple disasters. When I woke up I watched the news, and saw so much devastation from an earthquake in Japan. Throughout the day, there were news updates. At one point there was a state of emergency for the outer parts of California, Oregon and Washington. Everyone was told to move inward, and get away from the shoreline. Reporters got interviews from crying women as they tried to hurry and gather together what they could, and leave. While the United States waited for the Tsunami to strike, Japan was trying to clean up the mess that was left from both the earthquake and the tsunami.
This is another catastrophic event happening in this world. The television screnes are filled with trees torn from their roots and laying on top of homes that were being carried away by water. The death tole is still increasing. There is fear, and helplessness. When a natural disaster strikes we cannot send over our troops to fix it. God's beautiful creation's are destroying homes and taking lives.
Some people look at this, and ask the Lord why He is letting everything they own, be destroyed. It is hard to praise the Lord when your world is falling apart. It is a scary time, that I myself cannot imagine. It gets scarier when you shut God out and blame everything on Him. It is easy to blame Him, these are, after all, His creations, but we need to turn to God in times of crisis. It is dificult to see when there is so much destruction in front of you, but when everything is falling apart, God is there, steady as a rock. He will use every situation and make something good come out of it. It may not happen in the time span that we want, but it will happen.
Even if you weren't affected by this, we as Christians feel led to lend a hand somehow. When all those affected are in the middle of this, they may forget to pray. The easiest way that we can help them is through our prayers. The Lord is listening. We may have more strength than them right now, therefore we lift them up. Very soon they are going to need physical help too. I challenge you to pray, and listen to the Lord, and if He is telling you to go over there and help, then go.
Everything is dark and scary right now, but God will get everyone through this. Eventually together the destroyed country of Japan, and the destruction over here, will be fixed. In order to get there, we need to at least take a step forward, and pray. Nothing is impossible with God. Fixing this mess is not impossible, it will just take time.
This is another catastrophic event happening in this world. The television screnes are filled with trees torn from their roots and laying on top of homes that were being carried away by water. The death tole is still increasing. There is fear, and helplessness. When a natural disaster strikes we cannot send over our troops to fix it. God's beautiful creation's are destroying homes and taking lives.
Some people look at this, and ask the Lord why He is letting everything they own, be destroyed. It is hard to praise the Lord when your world is falling apart. It is a scary time, that I myself cannot imagine. It gets scarier when you shut God out and blame everything on Him. It is easy to blame Him, these are, after all, His creations, but we need to turn to God in times of crisis. It is dificult to see when there is so much destruction in front of you, but when everything is falling apart, God is there, steady as a rock. He will use every situation and make something good come out of it. It may not happen in the time span that we want, but it will happen.
Even if you weren't affected by this, we as Christians feel led to lend a hand somehow. When all those affected are in the middle of this, they may forget to pray. The easiest way that we can help them is through our prayers. The Lord is listening. We may have more strength than them right now, therefore we lift them up. Very soon they are going to need physical help too. I challenge you to pray, and listen to the Lord, and if He is telling you to go over there and help, then go.
Everything is dark and scary right now, but God will get everyone through this. Eventually together the destroyed country of Japan, and the destruction over here, will be fixed. In order to get there, we need to at least take a step forward, and pray. Nothing is impossible with God. Fixing this mess is not impossible, it will just take time.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
The Answer is in The Word.
Yesterday , someone posted this quote as their status. The person is someone that I respect. She is an amazing Christian women. Other Christian role models of mine, "liked" that status, so I read it. It made me uncomfortable and I disagreed with it. I wanted to ask where that came from, but I felt that it was rude to question the opinion of an adult. She posted the man's name who said the quote, and I went to Google and searched his name. When I did that a website called "The Way of the Master" came up. Along with that title, it said that it was run by Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron. I absolutely love Kirk Cameron and have always thought highly of him as a Christian.
After reading more into the site, there was more that I disagreed with. They were talking about evangelism, and how we need to get out there and share the name of the Lord with everyone, but the way they said to do it was against what I have learned. I wanted to get the opinion of other Christian adults but I felt like that was also rude.
The quote was, "... (Mark 16:15). My conscience continually prompts me to speak" - Ray Comfort.
I have been taught that in everything we do, we go to the Lord and allow Him to speak through us. This quote, and the website stress that we need to just let our conscious share the message that we already know. I agree that it is good to share your faith whenever and wherever you can, but you need to make sure that the spirit is in you and with you as you do so. If we just let our conscience prompt us to tell the message that we repeatedly say, to everyone, eventually it will become a routine. Like putting on socks, it will become just another random part of your day.
I believe that you need to go to the Lord before you approach someone to share the gospel. If we do not allow the Lord to speak through us, what we end up saying will have pieces of the world in it. I was talking to one of my college friends last night about this, and she reminded me also that our actions can speak just as loud as our words. She told me that we do not always have to speak the message of God, but that we can show God's love through our interations with non-believers.
She also sent me into 1 Corinthians 13:3 which says, "If I give all I possess to the poor, and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing". It is not about how many people we speak the message too. We must have love, and the Lord needs to be with us. I respect the opinions of the Christian adults in my life, but this time I felt that what they were saying, was not supported by the Word. If you ever have a doubt and feel that you cannot go to a reliable Christian adult, then you do not have to give up and never get an answer, God has given us the answers in His Word.
After reading more into the site, there was more that I disagreed with. They were talking about evangelism, and how we need to get out there and share the name of the Lord with everyone, but the way they said to do it was against what I have learned. I wanted to get the opinion of other Christian adults but I felt like that was also rude.
The quote was, "... (Mark 16:15). My conscience continually prompts me to speak" - Ray Comfort.
I have been taught that in everything we do, we go to the Lord and allow Him to speak through us. This quote, and the website stress that we need to just let our conscious share the message that we already know. I agree that it is good to share your faith whenever and wherever you can, but you need to make sure that the spirit is in you and with you as you do so. If we just let our conscience prompt us to tell the message that we repeatedly say, to everyone, eventually it will become a routine. Like putting on socks, it will become just another random part of your day.
I believe that you need to go to the Lord before you approach someone to share the gospel. If we do not allow the Lord to speak through us, what we end up saying will have pieces of the world in it. I was talking to one of my college friends last night about this, and she reminded me also that our actions can speak just as loud as our words. She told me that we do not always have to speak the message of God, but that we can show God's love through our interations with non-believers.
She also sent me into 1 Corinthians 13:3 which says, "If I give all I possess to the poor, and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing". It is not about how many people we speak the message too. We must have love, and the Lord needs to be with us. I respect the opinions of the Christian adults in my life, but this time I felt that what they were saying, was not supported by the Word. If you ever have a doubt and feel that you cannot go to a reliable Christian adult, then you do not have to give up and never get an answer, God has given us the answers in His Word.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
New Beginnings.
There are times in our lives when the Lord is calling for us to change. Sometimes the changes are small, and others are life altering. To me a new beginning is like spring cleaning in your life. You tell the people you love, that you love them, because sometimes although you think you are showing it, you aren't. Its also when you see broken relationships that still hold anger, and you fix it. You do not have to keep that person in your life, but forgiveness is part of this new beginning.
During this time you may lose relationships that you thought were standing firm. It is going to make you want to run the other way, but you need to remember God's plan. Everything that I am telling you, I am also telling myself. These are all the things I see in my life that need to change in order for me to grow with the Lord. We need to make sure that through all these changes, no matter what we are being God centered people. It can no longer be about what we feel, and what we want. Its got to be about God.
Today I feel like although my pain is still very much there, God is working in my life and showing me what He wants from me. Today I spent a few hours repairing one of those broken relationships. Through this I have realzied that as we change our mindset from a childish one to a mature one, we will see old matters in a different light. Once you finally give everything to God He will fix it an heal. I see God's work, and I know that with these changes, I am becoming a mature follower of Christ. My heart is devoted to the Lord.
Although I face many more trials and more changes, I will do it with a God centered heart. It doesn't happen overnight, but if you hear the Lord calling, do not turn away. Listening and following the Lord will change your life, for the better!
During this time you may lose relationships that you thought were standing firm. It is going to make you want to run the other way, but you need to remember God's plan. Everything that I am telling you, I am also telling myself. These are all the things I see in my life that need to change in order for me to grow with the Lord. We need to make sure that through all these changes, no matter what we are being God centered people. It can no longer be about what we feel, and what we want. Its got to be about God.
Today I feel like although my pain is still very much there, God is working in my life and showing me what He wants from me. Today I spent a few hours repairing one of those broken relationships. Through this I have realzied that as we change our mindset from a childish one to a mature one, we will see old matters in a different light. Once you finally give everything to God He will fix it an heal. I see God's work, and I know that with these changes, I am becoming a mature follower of Christ. My heart is devoted to the Lord.
Although I face many more trials and more changes, I will do it with a God centered heart. It doesn't happen overnight, but if you hear the Lord calling, do not turn away. Listening and following the Lord will change your life, for the better!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Struggling to Get Through.
It has been almost two weeks since my last post. In these two weeks my world was turned upside-down and my faith was tested harder than ever before. I have always been fighting the mental spiritual warfare. I have overcome so many tests of the mind. I am very strong there, but I forgot that I could be tested physically as well. These past two weeks left me feeling very lonely, not cared about, and too weak to get over this.
I told you that I had surgery, and that the pain was preventing me from posting, but everything after that is new to you. The Wednesday after my surgery I went to the doctor and that's when I had the seizure. The repercussions of that seizure were worse than I could have imagined. It sparked my fibromyalgia. The severity of the pain sent me to the emergency room twice, and then the doctor called us in and performed a second surgery. He found a blood clot growing under my knee cap. He removed it, but the excruciating pain had already consumed my body. I was admitted into the hospital where I would stay for six days, on heavy IV pain killers. I took codeine, vicodine and morphine (not all at once).
It was by far the scariest thing in my life. The fear in me was heightened by the fact that I stopped praying. I began relying solely on the doctors to take my pain away. I was doubting God. There were so many people praying for me, with me and over me. They continued to tell me that it would get better soon, and that they were praying. I had only asked a few people to pray, but we Christians tend to pray in groups of 100 give or take. I felt guilty for taking their time. I felt like I was weak and everyone else had to pick up my slack. I was also kind of angry because I did not want to be poor pathetic me. I didn't want pity. I just wanted God to fix me. I didn't understand why God was letting me be in that much pain.
When Thursday came around, my surgeon told me that I was cleared to leave from a surgical standpoint, but not by a pain standpoint. He called the pain team in. At that point I was taking Morphine every three hours. I don't know when I realized that I hadn't been praying, but I know that when my mom was holding my hand and praying over me, that it was time to turn everything to God. I wasn't really sure how to do that, so I just prayed and told Him exactly what was on my heart.
Friday into Saturday was the first night I slept through without IV medication. The pain team had found the right mix of drugs to enable me to get off the IV and be sent home. I am now starting my recovery process, but this time for real. With everything going on, I lost a lot of muscle tension in my leg, so I cannot walk or get out of bed without help, but the pain has already moved from a 10 to a 6. I have overcome a great deal, and although this journey is not finished, things have begun to brighten up.
Yesterday someone sent me a message and it was three verses that they wanted me to look up. I believe that God was speaking through this person, because the verses were what I have been searching for, ever since this all started. I wanted to find comfort in the words of the Lord, but when I was looking, my heart wasn't in the right place. The verses that meant the most to me, were David's plea to the Lord for help. "O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy. in Your faithfulness, and righteousness, come to my relief!" Psalm 143: 1. Through this, I know that David was healed by the Lord, and I will be healed too.
I myself am weak, but the Lord gives me strength. It is dark, lonely and scary when you shut the Lord out. I thought that I was calling on Him, and He just wasn't listening to me, but really, He reached out His hand, and I hadn't taken it yet. Someday when I am better, I will look back at this time, and know that it has made me stronger in faith. We all are going to face times that seem never ending, and always progressively worse. God will always be there to catch you when you feel like you want to give up. It will take a lot out of you and bring you to places you never imagined being, but you will be strengthened through the Lord. All you have to do is call on His name. He will ALWAYS be there even when we forget about Him, He has and will NEVER forget about us.
I told you that I had surgery, and that the pain was preventing me from posting, but everything after that is new to you. The Wednesday after my surgery I went to the doctor and that's when I had the seizure. The repercussions of that seizure were worse than I could have imagined. It sparked my fibromyalgia. The severity of the pain sent me to the emergency room twice, and then the doctor called us in and performed a second surgery. He found a blood clot growing under my knee cap. He removed it, but the excruciating pain had already consumed my body. I was admitted into the hospital where I would stay for six days, on heavy IV pain killers. I took codeine, vicodine and morphine (not all at once).
It was by far the scariest thing in my life. The fear in me was heightened by the fact that I stopped praying. I began relying solely on the doctors to take my pain away. I was doubting God. There were so many people praying for me, with me and over me. They continued to tell me that it would get better soon, and that they were praying. I had only asked a few people to pray, but we Christians tend to pray in groups of 100 give or take. I felt guilty for taking their time. I felt like I was weak and everyone else had to pick up my slack. I was also kind of angry because I did not want to be poor pathetic me. I didn't want pity. I just wanted God to fix me. I didn't understand why God was letting me be in that much pain.
When Thursday came around, my surgeon told me that I was cleared to leave from a surgical standpoint, but not by a pain standpoint. He called the pain team in. At that point I was taking Morphine every three hours. I don't know when I realized that I hadn't been praying, but I know that when my mom was holding my hand and praying over me, that it was time to turn everything to God. I wasn't really sure how to do that, so I just prayed and told Him exactly what was on my heart.
Friday into Saturday was the first night I slept through without IV medication. The pain team had found the right mix of drugs to enable me to get off the IV and be sent home. I am now starting my recovery process, but this time for real. With everything going on, I lost a lot of muscle tension in my leg, so I cannot walk or get out of bed without help, but the pain has already moved from a 10 to a 6. I have overcome a great deal, and although this journey is not finished, things have begun to brighten up.
Yesterday someone sent me a message and it was three verses that they wanted me to look up. I believe that God was speaking through this person, because the verses were what I have been searching for, ever since this all started. I wanted to find comfort in the words of the Lord, but when I was looking, my heart wasn't in the right place. The verses that meant the most to me, were David's plea to the Lord for help. "O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy. in Your faithfulness, and righteousness, come to my relief!" Psalm 143: 1. Through this, I know that David was healed by the Lord, and I will be healed too.
I myself am weak, but the Lord gives me strength. It is dark, lonely and scary when you shut the Lord out. I thought that I was calling on Him, and He just wasn't listening to me, but really, He reached out His hand, and I hadn't taken it yet. Someday when I am better, I will look back at this time, and know that it has made me stronger in faith. We all are going to face times that seem never ending, and always progressively worse. God will always be there to catch you when you feel like you want to give up. It will take a lot out of you and bring you to places you never imagined being, but you will be strengthened through the Lord. All you have to do is call on His name. He will ALWAYS be there even when we forget about Him, He has and will NEVER forget about us.
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