The Answer is Sin

Since Monday, there have been so many stories on the news about the backlash of the decision made in Ferguson. I have refrained from making any comments because everyone has been so angry and I really didn't want to deal with offending someone. Tonight a wonderful woman sent me a link to an NFL football players Facebook post. He is an African American male and I was interested to see his perspective. As I read I began to agree with a lot of what he was saying.

He first talked about all of the different problems surrounding this case and its outcome. He talked about being embarrassed about the looting and the violence that followed this case. First of all, from my understanding the whole case was about responses to violent acts. Now, many of those who are protesting this outcome are being more violent than those involved in the case. I have been so frustrated with all of the stories on the news. As my little sisters walk into the room, the first thing that they see on the news are people looting stores and burning them to the ground, or dragging them from car tires and climbing on police cruisers.

We have used it as a teaching tool, letting them know that nothing good comes from acting on your anger through violence. I feel so awful for those business owners who had their livelihood ruined because people were angry. Those owners had nothing to do with the case, or the judge or anyone involved, they were people just like us trying to make it through to enjoy thanksgiving. They didn't force anyone to pull the trigger, they weren't there to beat up the police officer. They were in their stores, or their restaurants working hard to make a living and put food on the table.

People are so quick to do horrible things. They have no respect for the law or for those they claim to be rioting for. Their claim is that the boy who was killed was innocent, and that the act of the officer was violent, and yet here they are setting bad examples for all those kids who happen to look at the TV. Parents have taught their kids to not act on their anger and to never hurt others. Then you have these adults stealing and burning things. I have wanted to know why. I wanted to know what the point of all of this was.

This NFL player remind me that I already knew the answer. The answer is sin. That's why people are looting, that's why they are hurting people and burning stores and restaurants to the ground. Each and every one of them are sinners. Just as we are sinners. We act on anger and we act in rage. We are told that we can be angry but we must not act on that anger.

All of this madness stems from the beginning. From the time of Adam and Eve when Eve took that apple and changed us forever. When will it end? Well the truth is it won't, not while we are here, not while we are sinners among sinners. The only one who can end this is God. The only way we will end this awfulness is through our savior.

So next time you are like me, and watching things go bad in the news or in your life, and the next time that you are wondering when this is going to end, remember this, the answer is sin. Sin is in this world, and we sinners are in this world. Sin will not go away, but it will not be this way forever, there is truth and there is light and there is hope in the Gospel and through Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior, so have hope and keeping praying because this isn't the end.

You Remain the Same

Have you ever had one of those days where you need everything to go right, but it all goes wrong? Well that's the day that I am having today. I have a major exam for a class with a 60% fail rate. For the first time in my life I have to try so hard to be happy with a C on my exams. All of that said, I am so very nervous for the test. I have been studying for a very long time because I knew how hard it would be. As it gets closer to the time that I have to go take it, things seem to just be pilling up high.

Some people know that I have been struggling with my blood pressure for some time now. I got it to go down for a while but that didn't last long. Most people would like to say that its caused by stress, but for me, its not. The stress comes when its high and I can't get it under control. Like today for instance. I am stressed already and now I have to be so carful not to make my blood pressure rise, which is stressful in itself.

Its been a whole long list of silly things happening to me. (Warning, I am about to complain) I ran out of time to type up all of the notes that I wanted to type, so I went to print what I had, and suddenly, without warning, the printer was out of ink. Then after that, my pants zipper broke on my favorite pants. So many other little things happened, but you get the point. I'm a mess today, and I'm at the end of my rope. I wish I had it in me to skip this exam and be done with school, but that's not the plan that God has for me (at this point in time).

When I get overwhelmed like this, I am always drawn to Christian music. Its my reminder that I am here for a purpose and that all these little things that keep happening are insignificant in the long run. I have to remember to turn my head to God and pull myself out of my own misery. Instead of crying over this exam and this stress, I can rest assured that no matter the outcome of this, God will still love me.

In our ladies Bible study at church yesterday we talked about God being "I Am". He says in the word that He is who He is and that He never changes. He stays the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. We were asked what that meant to us in our lives. Most of the ladies had the same response that I had. It brings me a sort of peace to know that He isn't changing and that He isn't going anywhere.

What does that mean to me? It means that no matter what happens on this test, no matter what it does to my GPA, no matter how high my blood pressure rises, no matter how many little annoying things happen, He is my rock. He will not change. This is a world full of change. There is no real stability that provides comfort. Its a sea of doubt and despair. I will be the first to tell you that there are many times that I get trapped and feel like there's no control over my life, but there is. God, My Father, is in control.

Friends change, family changes, people change, I change. It can get so very messy here, but God, the Great "I Am" is my solid ground. He will bring me through this and He will provide me the peace that I need. I don't deserve it, none of us do, but He grants it to us anyway. Praise be to Our God who was the same yesterday, the same today and will remain the same tomorrow and forever. I will find rest in Him who is unchanging.

Lord, You Never Let Go

There is a song that I continue to listen to every single day that really touches my heart. As I have said in the past, I worship through music. Listening to Christian music and singing praises to the Lord is what keeps me centered on what I am doing with my life. Music impacts each of us in different ways. We all have different tastes but its there, in everything that we do. This song in particular is not a very recent song, but its pretty new to me.

The version that I listen to is sung by a singer who I loved when I was younger. She and her sister had been Christian's but their music moved a little away from that. A couple years ago, the younger of the two broke out on her own and released her first Christian song, which I have talked about before. I was so moved by it that I began to search for more Christian songs by her, and I came across one that is called "You Never Let Go". To better explain how this song effects me, I am going to break it down to the most important part, but feel free to listen to the song yourself.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, Your perfect love is casting out fear And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life, I won't turn back, I know You are near"    
                                    -- This part explains so much about what has been going on in my life and my families lives. There is such unrest happening and it really feels like we are sometimes walking in the Valley of the shadow of death and sometimes I can't find a way out because I'm treading water. The one thing that remains true in my life is that I have a peace in my heart to know that God is always by my side.

"'Cause I will fear no evil, For my God is with me, And if my God is with me, Whom then shall I fear? Oh no, You never let go, Through the calm and through the storm, Oh no, You never let go, In every high and every low, Oh no, You never let go, Lord, You never let go of me yeah!"
                                    -- This part is also so very powerful. There is so much evil around us and it can consume us. We can get trapped in this world and the vast evil that surrounds us. Evil is inevitable because we are human and we ALL sin every single day. Yet no matter what evil we do, or what evil is done to us, God is literally there through the whole storm. He is with us when we are on top of the world and He is with us when we hit rock bottom.

"And I can see a light that is coming, For the heart that holds on, A glorious light beyond all compare, And there will be an end to these troubles, But until that day comes, We'll live to know You here on the earth"
                                 -- I talk a lot about the light in darkness. There are points in my life where I felt that the darkness was more powerful than the light. I was drowning in my own sorrows and of the sorrows that have been brought upon the lives of my family and friends. Even through all the darkness in front of me right now, and all of the stress, and the physical and emotional pain, I have joy in my heart because I see that God's light is still shining so bright, and there is nothing that can be compared to it because there is nothing like it.

There will be an end to these troubles, there will be no more death, no more pain, no more loss, no hate, no more tears, no more broken promises, no more lies, no more searching for something to fulfill yourself. We will be with God one day, but until then, we are living on this earth with one another. We have a chance to know Jesus here and we have the chance to share His love with those around us who may be facing that same darkness.

I am not perfect, there are times when I don't care to see the light of God in my life. However, that light never leaves me. Even when I am angry and turn away, the light of God remains steady. Things won't be peachy here on earth. I have to sit here and wonder if I scare boys away because I am so outspoken about the Lord, but at the same time, if a boy can't handle that, then it means they are one, not right for me, but beside that, they may still be in search of the love of Jesus Christ. I use that example not to complain but to share that there is an everyday battle to get others to love Jesus the way that a lot of us Christians do. It hurts me to think that there are people stuck in this darkness, and can't see the light that is always shining the way for them to go.

I am not saying to go into the light and die, I am saying that when we can see nothing but terrible, consuming darkness, there is still a beautiful, strong light that is at the end of that tunnel. God is there reminding us that there is light and that we have a chance to be that light in our communities. Take a moment and try to shine that light somewhere in your life in the next couple of weeks. If each of us just shines that light to even one person, God can impact so many lives, even if it happens one by one.
The Lord never lets go, ever. He will never, and has never let you go. Find peace in that, because I know that I do.

The song is called "You Never Let Go"- AJ Michalka

Coming Back to the Heart of Worship

It has been a little while since I have posted. I have the same excuses that I always have. School is crazy, I have a million things on my to do list and this isn't one of them. It is something that I really enjoy doing, but it seems like there is no time for this to get done. I have felt led to post and I've even started a few. The feedback has warmed my heart. I just want to thank everyone who reads this. I don't write this as a way to make myself look good, I write this because even when I am a mess, and have done things wrong, I am STILL a child of God. No matter what we do, He loves us and that's the message that I am trying to share.

Something my pastor said in church yesterday really struck me. He was talking about coming back to the heart of worship. He said that we have a tendency to let out minds wander and that actually paying attention and giving our body and mind to God is a really difficult thing. What he didn't know at the time was that I was planning out my grocery list at that exact moment. We have so many things that are going on inside ourselves and in the lives of those around us.

As I sit here, all around me are text books, note cards, notebooks and assignments. In front of me is my to do list that seems like its a mile long. No matter how many things I do, I feel like my list is not getting any shorter. Though I complete things, more things get added. I keep saying that as soon as things calm down I will start to blog more regularly, but this weekend I realized that things are never going to calm down here. I am in the home stretch which means that my professors are going to teach, test, and work to cram everything in before graduation.

Though I accomplish assignments, I feel like I have made little to no time, to worship and pray and read the Word of God. I always say that I am going to do it, and by the time I have some time, its late at night and I want to play games with my roommates. This year I have been all about making it the best year. I haven't had the fun college experience that most people have when they go to college, so this is my chance. However, I realize that I NEED to make time with God. If I don't, no matter how much I knock off my to do list, I really won't be fulfilled.

I am not saying that I have shut God out. I still pray, ALL the time, lets face it, if I didn't I would fall apart. I am saying that I need to set aside time. Time that is uninterrupted and focused on my relationship with Jesus Christ. Without Him, none of this stuff matters. I need to set down my to do list, and shut out all of the drama and sorrow of this world, and spend time with God. The struggle is very real and I am sure that I am not the only one facing this. I am the only one that can make a change to my life, just like you are the only one who can make a change in your life.

To start out small, I am going to spend the next week actively making time in which I can study The Word, spend time in prayer and truly worship the Lord for all of the work that He is doing in my life right now. If you choose to join me, that's great. If you aren't ready, God is always here waiting.

Light Up The Darkness

Yesterday I was sitting in one of my classes. This class is a freshman class (I need it for my minor), full of young adults who are out on their own for the first time. My professor has a very poor view of basically everything except his daughter and his Greek heritage. He has said some pretty outrageous things, but none that bother me as much as what he said yesterday.

He told the class that Christian's believe God sent His only son to save them (referring to Christians) from punishment for their sins, and to take their sorrows away. For the most part what he was saying was true. However, then he said that we (Christians) use that to justify what we do wrong, and that it prevents us from having to take responsibility for our actions. He followed that up by asking why we would ever want someone else to take our sorrows from us. He stated that our sorrows (as if they were an object), belonged to us and no one else could take them from us.

I sat there in a state of shock because of what I had heard. I wasn't angry at him, but I felt kind of bad for him. Watching the way that he talked about the Christian way of life, I noticed that his eyes had some hurt behind them. He acknowledged the fact, that God sent His only son to save us. That statement right there meant that he at the very least knows that Jesus came to save us. All I kept thinking though, was that this man of authority was talking to a group of young adults who are at a very vulnerable place in their lives.

I felt so extremely blessed at that moment because inside of me is the love of Jesus Christ. I get the peace in my heart because I know that no matter what I am facing, God is facing it with me. We are called to give our sorrows to God and I gladly hand them over. I have never seen sorrow as a thing to keep tucked away as my own thing. There is such a relief in turning everything over to God.

God sent His son so that we would be forgiven, it doesn't mean that all of our actions are justified. It also doesn't mean we don't have to take responsibility. We are called to take responsibility and repent for our sins. We are not perfect, we are human which means that we are never going to be perfect. Just because we know the love of Jesus Christ, doesn't mean that we can do whatever we want in His name. We are responsible for our actions and our sins. Christianity is not a get out of jail free card.

I called upon many of my praying friends to pray for this professor, and pray for the students in the class that are listening to what this professor is saying. My heart was so heavy hearing what he has been telling them about God and about having faith. He is a very lost man, and there is something missing in his life. The missing piece is God. Until he gives his life to God, his misery will continue. What good is it to keep your sorrow to yourself. It will just continue to bring misery to your life.

Sometimes I question why I bothered going to a secular school. I wonder why God brought me here. Was it just to hear how bad Christians are, or how hypocritical we are? No, its not. God has to remind me that He brought me here for a reason. Listening to this professor made me realize that my job here is huge. Its a major responsibility but I have to bring God into this school. I need to be the light of Christ in the midst of darkness. The darkness will try to suck us all in, but I have to remain strong and show that God is a God of mercy, He takes away our worry, He takes away our pain AND our sorrows. He sent His one and only son to save us! That my friends is what keeps me from falling apart at this secular school surrounded by non-believers.

I am calling you to pray for that professor, and the students listening to him speak. I am also asking you to pray for the Christians on this campus, because we have a hard job to do. Pray that our light remains prominent and bright in this darkness. There is power in numbers and we can't go another day without sharing our wonderful God.

My Healer and Comforter

Since the start of school I have been longing to blog, but when I wasn't sleeping, I was doing a million other things. Sleeping and blogging had to be moved to the bottom of my list. Between what I have to get done here, and what I have to get done at home, I really had no "me" time where I could sit and write out my thoughts. Since the last time I posted, many things have happened. Some things bad, and some things good.

For now I want to give a testimony of what happened to me on the first day of my senior year. Let me preface this by saying, that I wanted this senior year to be better than my high school senior year was. The night of my first day of school, I had praise team. So I got in my car and started heading toward the church. On my way, I was hit (in my car) by a truck. I can still picture in my head, the headlights as they hit the drivers side door. There was no where I could go, and if  I swerved I would have hit a telephone pole, on the passengers side where my sister was.

It was the scariest moment of my life and all I could do was pray. Though the car was really damaged, my sister and I were alive. My blood pressure shot up to the point where I really thought I was going to collapse. This was my first ever accident. I was scared, and all I knew was that I couldn't open my door and that the man who hit me was screaming at me. The first thought that popped into my head was thank you dear Lord. This accident could have been ten times worse if I had moved the car any other way.

Later, once we got my blood pressure under control, I was able to look at the car for the first time to see the damages. My drivers side window had so much pressure on it that it almost shattered. If that guy hit me even just a little bit harder the glass would have broken all over me. The what if game was a hard one to stay out of. I came out of this alive, I came out of this knowing that it was the grace of God that got me out of this alive and relatively unharmed (though there was a lot of soreness once the shock wore off).

I can say that my God is truly an awesome God. Since the accident I have learned a lot more about how to handle situations such as that one. I am blessed to have a God that loves me so much, that He saves my life over and over again. He keeps me safe, and His love is the reason I was able to get back on the road again and drive (though I don't drive right where the accident happened). Let this be a testimony to the power of Christ. He is our healer and He is our comforter, so may you find rest in Him, as I have found rest in Him.

Forgive Me

Today during church, my pastor was talking about the Lord's prayer again. A majority of todays lesson was about forgiveness. There is that one line in the Lord's prayer that gets me every time. Its the part that says forgive us our trespasses as we forgive the trespasses against us. This is something that I repeat for the Lord's prayer, but I never really gave it much thought.

Every day I sin, its no secret. We are all sinners. Therefore, every single day I ask for forgiveness. I guess I assumed that I would be forgiven always. I never really stopped to think about the Lord's prayer and what it says. If we have not forgiven others who have done things to us, then God won't forgive us for what we have done to Him. I think we have a tendency to assume that we are forgiven because we simply ask for forgiveness.

We are called to first forgive others. I would like to say that I have forgiven everyone that has ever hurt me, but the truth is, I haven't. Sometimes the messages really speak to me. In fact it felt like this one was God hitting me over the head with a message. One of the things that I struggle with the most is forgiveness. I tend to hold things in and remain bitter. I have held things in for years at a time before I could forgive someone.

My problem is that in my head I know that forgiving doesn't mean forgetting what they did, but I can't seem to get my heart on the same page. There was a time when someone told me that I had to forgive and forget. Since then I have really had a hard time "forgetting" what that person said to me. So I continue to ask for forgiveness without actually forgiving those who have done wrong to me.

I am kind kicking myself for never taking this seriously before. That's why I am sharing this with all of you. It is my confession, and its something I need to work on. Before I can continue to ask for forgiveness from Christ, I need to give forgiveness to those who have hurt me in the past. The other thing that I need to do, is get off my high horse and ask for forgiveness to all of those that I have hurt recently. We are, of course, sinners and I hate to admit that I have hurt people, but that's the truth.

So this coming week my goal is to at least write down all of the people/ things that I haven't forgiven and I need to start forgiving. It won't happen all at once, that's why I'm making a list!

No Regrets

There are so many changes going on in our lives every single day. We can't stop time, we can't slow down life. Everyone has always told me that my high school years would go by fast, and that college would go by faster. I have to say that, that is the truth. I am about to start my senior year, as many of you know. It feels like just yesterday I was preparing for my first move in day of college. I was on my own. The first Disco to go off to college. Of course I dragged the whole family along as well. For three years move in day has been a family adventure. It feels weird to know that this is my last move in.

What is stranger to me, is the fact that my little sisters are entering second grade. Before we had them I always thought parents were silly for thinking that second, third and fourth grades were a huge step in their lives, but it really is. I remember their first day of kindergarten. It was a beautiful sight to see them heading off to school like big girls. I just found a stack of pictures from that time in their lives. Its hard to believe that they are already in second grade.

I have had the opportunity to never take this time with them for granted. Their lives were never a permanent thing in my future, so every single moment with them has been special. Its an experience that I cherish. They have grown so much, both physically (they have gotten so huge), and emotionally. These past few years have never been the easiest, but they are memories I will never forget.

The problem is, that while I was spending all of this time cherishing their lives, I missed out on a lot going on in my own life. I was so concerned with cherishing their lives and slowing down their time with me, that I let my college years slip by. I'd like to say that I regret it, but I really don't. I think that God had me where I have been because these are the memories that I wanted to cherish. I may have missed out on "normal" college things, but I learned to enjoy my time with beautiful children.

I know that I am blessed, and I know that no matter what the future holds, my family will always come first. I will never apologize for putting them above friends. I have a rather large family (church family, southern family, extended family). Family is something that can never be replaced. If you don't take the time to nurture your children (as I was as a child), and celebrate everything in their lives, it will fly by and when you look back, the memories will be filled with regret.

God only gave us one life to live. We can either, party, go wild and live by the "yolo (you only live once" standard, or you can become firm in your faith and put your time in effort into the family that God gave you, whether you are blood related or not, we are family. So celebrate the Lord and praise Him for the life that He gave you.

Praise You God For Doctors

There is a big controversy (apparently) about Christians taking medication. I have met a few people now, who believe that we should leave it all up to God to deal with. In fact, I went on a blind date, where the guy told me that he didn't believe in medicine. Let's just take a moment to reflect on the fact that I am still single. However, he made me question myself. I wondered if taking medicine was okay for a Christian. I wondered if I was not relying on God by taking medicine.

I made my decision that day, that I would never question any Christian about their decision to take medication. The feeling that I was a bad Christian for using medicine is a feeling I never wish to impose on anyone. Here is the truth, plain and simple: God created man, He created man, and He created this world. This world ended up being full of pain, hurt and disease. God sent His son to save us. He didn't give His only son for us to be here in pain.

I am not an expert on this topic, but I am someone who has multiple diseases. These are painful, and life long diseases. There are so many other people in my life who are suffering from a variety of illnesses. My question for the skeptics is, why would God plan a life for these doctors if He wasn't going to use them to better the lives of His people. Doctors are no different than us, they answer to the same ruler at the end of their lives.

The same goes for the people that sit in a lab and create life changing, life saving medicine. In saying this, I want you to remember that everything we do is in moderation. Once someone starts abusing these medications they are no longer helping, they are hurting. At that point I believe you have crossed a line. If you are using the medication to better your life, or the lives of those around you, then I say go for it.

For years my parents prayed for answers about the pain that my sister and I were in. Later in my life I prayed the same thing. God has provided myself and my family with doctors and medication that literally saved my sisters life. They saved me from having long term physical damages, and they help me lead the life that I believe God wants me to live. Until I get another message from God, I will continue to use medicine and go to doctors. I praise God every single time I wake up and am able to make it through a day with limited pain. I thank Him for giving me a choice. I thank Him for saving my life and my family's as well!

Please consider this before ever telling a Christian that they shouldn't need medication. Even if its for something like anxiety, it doesn't make them a bad Christian for getting help. Someday, we won't need medicine anymore because when we return home to heaven we will be healed and we will be perfect for all of eternity at the right hand of God.

Fill Me Up

I was listening to a song today (I know, what a shock) and it was sung by a girl who was a Christian as a young child, but got caught up in the world. She became a movie star and a successful singer and moved away from her Christian values. This song was her way of confessing that she turned away from God and became part of the world. In her words she says that she gave her soul to the world, but that now she wanted it back. She also said that she thought all she needed was success to feel fulfilled, but once she got that success, it wasn't everything she thought it would be.

Sometimes songs are just songs, and other times the words really hit me. As I listened to her confession and her return to Christ I realized that she's not the only one that this happens to. She said that she knew how to be fulfilled and that the one place she wanted to be was in the open arms of Christ. There have been times along my walk with God that I have tried to stray away because I feel that if I don't I won't have the success that I need. Sometimes doing things His way seems really difficult, and its easy to take another path.

The problem is that once we get to the place we wanted to be, we still feel empty. I am sure that many Christians have stumbled in their past. Things look so great on the other side of things, and you don't stop to ask those other people if they feel fulfilled by their success. Its even harder, in my opinion, to feel success if you turned away from a God that you once knew as your Lord and Savior.

His arms are a safe place for us to be, and the only way that we will ever be fulfilled is through Him and His work in our lives. Things are going to get tough, and the adversary knows our weak spots. He won't back down, but neither can we. If you are reading this and you have strayed away from God in search of worldly success, I want you to know that it doesn't matter how long you turn away, God is standing right beside you to catch you and hold you in His arms.

Just because you have sinned, doesn't mean that He won't take you back. If that were true then I wouldn't be in His arms either. If you are reading this and you are successful, but still empty, I am here to tell you how to fill yourself up. Success without Christ is superficial. It may look great on the outside but you know how empty it feels on the inside. The thing that's missing is God. True, fulfilling success comes through God.

So don't let another day go by with you feeling this empty success. Let God fill your life and your heart. Feel that fullness and success with Jesus in your heart and guiding your life. Let His love surround you.

Birthday Blessing

Sixty years ago today God blessed this earth with a wonderful man. Though I have only had the pleasure of spending twenty one years with him, they have been amazing years. That man in fact is my father. He had a rough childhood full of memories that weren't favorable. Like I said the other day, we all have choices to make in life. Since his childhood wasn't the best, he chose to raise my sisters and I differently than he was raised.

I can truly say that I am blessed to be raised by this man. I am not just saying that because half of my genes are his. I have living proof sleeping upstairs that genes don't make you a dad. He has not only been my dad, he has been a dad to many children who's father bailed on them in some way, shape or form. With each and every child that walks through our front door needing a dad, he's right there. No matter what you do to him, at him, or against him... he loves you through and through.

For many years I have gotten angry with him for being so quick to forgive my siblings after they do something wrong. No matter what they do (or myself) he ALWAYS forgives. Most of the time its for silly things, but even the big things, he is able to forgive. That doesn't mean that he forgets what we have done, but he is proof of God's love and forgiveness.

He doesn't stop there. The love that he has for my mom is something inexplicable. They have been together for twenty seven years (married for 24). When she needs something, he is automatically searching to fill that need. Even when she's not looking for anything, he has this way of spoiling her with love. This is not to say that they are perfect, because they have also shown me what its like to have a conflict, and how to overcome it (I'm still learning this one). He shows her the respect that she deserves and never goes a single day without letting her know how much she is loved.

The thing about him that is the best, is his love for Christ. He did not grow up a believer like I did. He became a follower of Christ as a young adult. He found Christ, and together he and my mom introduced my siblings and I to the love of Christ. My dad has a thirst for knowledge. He constantly has a different devotion and is always asking questions trying to learn as much as he can about the Bible. He truly loves Christ above all else, and he has shown me what its like to be a Christian. He's shown me how Christ has forgiven him, just as I am forgiven (and you too).

My problem now is, that when I am looking for a suitable husband I am basically comparing them all to my dad. They have a lot to live up to, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. My daddy taught me that I deserve to be respected and loved. He taught me to love Christ and that its okay to mess up, because we are all sinners (my mom helped too of course). So I thank God for this wonderful man! Happy Birthday Daddy!

Shake It Off

As most of you know, I have a love for Taylor Swift and her music. She is clean, honest and respectful. This is not a shock to anyone, but today I tuned into her online announcement. Her song lyrics have been pretty spot on for things that have gone on in my life. Her newest song is about what you should do when someone does something to you. The song is called Shake it Off. As I was listening to it, it reminded me of some things we learn as a Christian.

Like me, I am sure that there have been many times when someone has done something awful to you. I was bullied, my sister was bullied. I learned as a child that good men can say awful things that can affect your life forever. The bottom line is, we live in a secular world full of hate and crime and loss. Yes, good things happen here, but we know that while we live here on this earth we have to live in this world. We ourselves have been guilty of hurting others too.

When someone hurts me, my first instinct is to fight back. If you make me mad, normally I have this urge to make you feel the hurt that you caused me. To be honest, that's how I get with a few of my siblings. I'd like to say that the devil made me do it, but I can't because as I said in another post, I was given a choice to make. My mom has always sat us down and told us that we should not retaliate because that's not what the Bible tells us to do. However, I let my hurt control my actions and I lash out.

Taylor Swift's new song is called "Shake it off". Its all about letting the cruel words of bullies roll off your shoulder. I am in no way saying that this song is a Christian song, but the message is similar to the one that we are taught in the Bible. Whether someone is spreading lies about you, or calling you names, we cannot act in anger. We are allowed to be upset but we fall into Satan's trap when we try to hurt the other person back. We are supposed to let it roll of our back and turn it over to God.

This is easier said than done. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, because I was born a sinner. Someday each of us will face that fact at the gates of Heaven. I know that I am going to kick myself when I am standing in front of the Lord talking about all of the people that I have hurt over the years. We are no better than anyone else. I have this need for everyone to like me, and when they don't, I am ready to be done with them. I tend to make it known that they are not welcome in my life anymore, but that is beyond Un-Godly.

Things would be so much better, and so much more peaceful if I just let things go. So this week (lets take it a week at a time), when someone hurts you (its bound to happen we are all sinners), stop before you speak. Think about what it will do when you lash out. Remember that everything your feeling is horrible, and when we stand with God one day, are you ready to take responsibility for causing that same hurt. Well, I'm not. So here it goes this week. Do your best, and I'll do my best to just shake it off.

Story of a Scar

We all have scars. Some are visible some are not. Bottom line is, we all have them. Each scar represents something that happened to us in the past. The event, or injury that occurred most likely brought emotional or physical pain. Someone once said that scars are proof that we are stronger than whatever it was that happened to us. They are proof that we won.

I started thinking about scars the other day. When I looked down at my knee, I have a beautifully healed two inch scar and a small circular scar. From another persons perspective it looks like I had a successful surgery. What no one knows (well unless you know me well enough), is that, that tiny little scar was once an infection that ate my skin, and that scar covers up the thing that left me wheelchair bound and bed ridden for months. That scar covers the pain that has never gone away since the surgery. It also covers up the bullying that I received due to my inability to walk correctly for well over a year.

However, that scar is proof that my God healed my pain. Through this ordeal I was able to learn that the pain in my knee was caused by osteoarthritis, and nothing that the surgeon did. It is proof that I overcame the infection and the bullying. I overcame the fear that I would never walk again. I have made it through three years of college and am entering my fourth year. When I started college I was in a wheelchair. By my first day of college I managed to use crutches and a heavy brace. I am about to enter my final year of college and I'm standing on my own two feet.

People who meet me now, never have to know the pain that I went through. In saying that, I realize that people I meet have their own scars. We don't know where people are coming from when we meet them. Sometimes we can see the scars and we can come to our own conclusions about how they came to have those scars. In all honestly, we don't know their story.

Most importantly, just because you have a scar that is not visible, does not mean that its not there. The loss that you have faced left scars. Whether or not they are on your body, they are there. I have tried to hide my scars from people and pretend like there is no story to them, but there is. Whatever created those scars was done for a purpose. God has a plan for the scars and He will use them in our lives to help us. Do not be ashamed of something that happened TO you. God uses all situations to help us, and lead us.

Instead of thinking of your scars as something ugly, think about them as proof that, with God, you overcame that obstacle. He carried you when you were hurting. The scar is a sign of love. God loved you enough to heal you of your wounds and make you whole again. So now when I look down at my knee, instead of feeling sorry for myself I can turn to God and thank Him for giving me back my life. I can thank Him for helping me walk when I thought it wasn't possible.

Making a Choice

I learn a lot from watching my little sisters. The things they do, the choices they make, their behaviors. My sisters, like most little kids, throw temper tantrums. They get angry, they throw a fit, but most of the time they are the cutest, sweetest little things. When they are being holy terrors, well, not so cute (but still lovable).

Tonight, we have a relatively good night. It was just the little ones and I. There was a small altercation, in which one of the children got frustrated and began to cry. In our house, if we are hurt, seriously sad (which means not just sad about someone playing with your toy). I gave the authoritative look, waiting to see what she would choose. She straightened herself out, brushed the tear off of her face and moved on.

As small as that choice may have seemed. In her little life, it was a big choice. A choice between making the right decision and making the wrong decision. Even as children we are always given choices. God gives us the ability to choose which path we take. We are not forced to follow His path, He gives us a choice. The older we get, the more choices we get. We also have a new set of choices as we grow up. When you are five, your choices are, listen to your parents or don't, eat your vegetables or don't, behave or misbehave.

At eighteen you are legally an adult in the eyes of the law. At that point you are no longer obligated to follow your parents rule. By twenty one, your final restriction is lifted and you can legally purchase alcohol. However, the Bible says that we obey our parents, and again, that is a choice that each of us has to make. My choices have been questioned by so many people for so many years. I have been over eighteen for three years, but I remain in my parents home, living by their rules.

They have always given me the choice to do what I please after I turned eighteen. The only comment that has ever been made, is about making sure that what I am doing is something that I would be okay with my sisters doing in the future. I have been offered on many occasions to break free of the "control" and just "be a kid". Its not my parents that make these choices for me anymore. I cannot blame them for my mistakes nor can I pretend that they deny me my rights as an adult.

I made a choice to abstain from alcohol. I made the choice to keep myself pure until marriage. I made a choice to go to class and refrain from attending college parties. I make a choice every time I do anything. Whether that is sin, or whether that is just to get up in the morning. I do not apologize for the path that I have chosen. I do not apologize for never "being a kid". I do apologize for all of the people that I hurt along the way, when I was making the wrong choices.

I am not perfect. I will be the first to say that. I know that I come off as if I think I am better than those who make other choices, but to each his own. At the end of the day the most important thing in each of our lives, is our relationship with Jesus Christ.  What we need to remember is that our choices, though they are ours to make, effect other people. What I choose to do, does not only effect my life but the lives of my little sisters. We have the choice to lead a good, God fearing, God loving life, or we can choose to have a life full of anger and disappointment.

Simply put, you have a choices to make just as I do. You may think my choices are odd, and not like a typical college student, but here's the thing, I'm not a normal college student. Other's may think that you are odd for making the choices you've made for your life and your family, and maybe they are right. I don't want to be a "normal" college kid, because I know that God has a purpose for my life. Share it with others, lead the life where you make good choices.

We Are Family

My family is a big family. We are just like every other family. We fight, we hurt each other, we argue, we cry, we say what we don't mean. We also, love, cherish each other, we get along, we hold each other up when everything else is breaking us down. Our home is also open to children who's pasts have caused them great upset. Each of my siblings come from different backgrounds, but the only thing that's really important is where we are now.

As I sit here in our living room, for the first time in a long time, I feel safe. I feel safe in many different ways but there's a certain sense of comfort when we are all joined together. The comfort makes it easy for me to turn to God and thank Him for everything that He has given me. Like the two beautiful little girls sitting in front of me watching one of their new favorite movies (high school musical in case you were wondering). They have been such a blessing in my life.

I thank Him for all the giggles and I thank Him for this special time that we can all spend together this evening. I know that we pray for this special time, but sometimes we don't remember to thank God for giving us these times. There is also something special about spending time with a child that has never had a real family. God has definitely proven to me just how blessed my life has been thus far. Even with all of the medical issues that my sister and I have had, we have always been supported and loved by our parents.

There have been and there are many times where this family is going through a really rough time. This house has made it through numerous temper tantrums, and there have been painful memories made here. Satan got in and would like to hold us hostage in bad times full of grief, but we can't let him. The only time that he can control a family, is if we let him. So even when things are terrible, we have to thank God. We thank Him not for the hurt, but for what He will do in our lives by using that situation.

For those of you who are reading this and maybe don't have a family like mine, I want you to know that you do in fact have a family. When we accept the Lord as our Savior, we are accepted into His family. That means that every other believer is your brother and sister. It doesn't take blood to make you a family. It takes heart. It takes love, and compassion. There will still be fighting and hurt because we are human, therefore, we are sinners. I thank God not only for my family, but my church family as well. We are a true family and we share in the love of Christ.

Don't ever feel that you are alone because when you live with Jesus in your heart, you are NEVER alone and that you have an eternal family in Christ.

Lead Me

In exactly two weeks from today I will be moving into my dorm. This prospect is rather frightening for me. It is supposed to be a time of excitement, but I tend to be a little more nervous than excited. Many people have come up to tell me that I should be excited because its my last year. I know that everyone who has said that to me, was trying to be positive, but after this year I will be entering "the real world". I have spent the past sixteen years in structured school environments.

Whether you are a senior in high school, or a senior in college, everyone has that one question, "What are you going to do after you graduate?". After high school my response was that I would be attending college. I have talked about this before, but it has come up time and time again since I wrote about this the last time. My normal answer, is that I wish to work for a non profit organization. I follow that up by saying that it won't pay off my loans, so I will have to get another job for the time being.

I used to be so sure of the future, or the future that I wanted, but in case you haven't noticed, that's not working out so well for me. I have all these grand plans of what I want to accomplish and when I want things done. I spend a lot of time worrying about the future and I forget to live the life that I have right now. In talking with a friend last night, I realized that I'm not stressing just about school, I'm stressing about the stress that I will be under when school starts.

When most people look at their senior year, they have a plan for the year. They want to make the best of it and have fun, but in my mind I am always looking ahead. I am very impatient when it comes to the future. I know that God has a plan but I want to know it sooner rather than later. I am all about prayer, but a find that a good part of my prayers are about me begging Him to show me what's in store for my life in the future.

I thought that I had a wave of peace at the beginning of the week, however, the peace was false. I was at peace because something had finally fit into my future image. I was feeling joy in my heart, but it wasn't true joy. I think that I knew it was too good to be true, but I wanted to believe it was a message from God. The problem is that, no matter how much we want to believe something, if its not from God, its really not meant to be. The future that I want for myself may not be the best future for me. Something that will make me happy now, may make me miserable in the future. The only one who sees that future is God.

I say all of that, just to explain that God has a plan. When someone asks me what I am going to do when I graduate, the real answer is, whatever God wants me to do with my life. I make this promise, and I hope that you do too. No matter how painful, hard or frustrating things get now, its God who has the plan for your life, no you, not anyone other than Him. So we all need to stop fighting Him and let Him lead us in the way that we should go.

You Are Not Alone

I thought that I knew what I was going to write about today, but that all changed after tonight. There are a lot of people who would like to say that we are not connected to celebrities and that what they do shouldn't effect us, but you have to admit that they have an influence in our lives. They entertain us, and in a way we look up to, and respect their role in our lives. We do not worship them, or put them higher than God, but they are here in this world just as we are.

Tonight, while in the middle of a church meeting, I received a text (yes I know I shouldn't have checked but I admit I'm a sinner), and that text read that actor Robin Williams died at the young age of 63. Luckily I didn't have to feel silly for being upset because others in the room were just as upset. They graciously paused our meeting to pray over his family. The way I see it, is that we may not have known him personally, but we all have someone that we can relate this situation too. We know the hurt that the family is facing.

It has been stated that Robin Williams took his own life, after struggling with depression. One of the woman at the meeting (an amazing God loving, God fearing woman) said (don't quote me on this) that it is tragic for someone to get to a point in their life, where they would feel the need to take their own life. It really got me thinking about tough times in life, and thinking about others who have taken their own lives, or tried to.

I recently shared with my parents that there were points in my life where all I wanted to do was be with Jesus. During some of the hardest times in my life, I read my Bible for comfort, and I specially was reading about heaven (by chance), and it all seemed so simple to me. If I wanted all the pain to stop, I had to be with Jesus. This is not exactly what happened to Robin Williams, but all the same, looking back on it, I guess I considered it as an option.

The difference between myself and someone like Robin Williams is that when it came down to it, I had the knowledge that God has me here for a reason and that I was going through that pain for a purpose. I also had the satisfaction in knowing that someday my God will take me home and there will be no more pain. I believe that, that situation gave me a better understanding of why I'm here and why each of us are here. I just pray that somehow Robin Williams knew Jesus. I pray that he is at peace and that all of his pain is taken away.

I have known others in my life who have contemplated killing themselves. We need to make it an effort to share with everyone we meet, that God is good. We need to share the love of Christ but make sure that they know He has them here for a purpose. If you are one of those people who have wanted to end you life, then I beg you to stop. I want you to know that each one of us has a purpose and there is no one else who could fulfill that purpose because God put you here. God loves you and so do others around you.

Over the next few days, look around you, if someone seems to be alone, please don't let them be alone. If they don't know Jesus, then there is a void somewhere in their life that needs to be filled, so please help them fill it before any more lives are taken. God Bless, and God loves you.

We Are All His People

I have only briefly watched the news in the past few days because I haven't really been home. When I have been home, what I have seen is horrific. I am not going to sit here and pretend to know everything that's going on, nor will I pretend to know why we have re-entered Iraq. What I do know, is that right now while I sit here, at home, comfortable blogging about God's blessings in my life, someone in Israel is fighting for their life.

My sister and I were reading an article yesterday about the murders that are occurring over seas. I, of course believe that all murder is bad, but the victims of these murders are my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I don't know them, I can't begin to understand what they are going through, but I understand one thing, and that is the love for Christ that we believers share. The article that we read, described a sick report of the events occurring in the middle east.

The group ISIS has taken the lives of so many Christians. They have killed the Christian men, killed the Christian children and they have killed some of the women, and the rest of them get sold as sex slaves. Until we stumbled upon this one article, I had no idea what the big news was that everyone was talking about. I assumed it was just another random act of violence against more innocent people. For the most part, that is in fact true, but I never thought that I shared something with these people.

In the past I have learned about what it is like to be a Christian in other countries. I understand the basics of Christians having to hide in order to worship, and I've heard that some have been killed in the past. I'm sure that growing up there were many killed, but up until now, I never really watched the news or followed it.

I know that we all day that we are blessed and most of the time we believe it. I know that I am blessed by the things that I have in this life. However, the one constant in my life is my faith. No matter where I have been, whether that be physically or emotionally, my church and my brothers and sisters in Christ have sustained me. I have said before how blessed I am to be surrounded by so many believers. Every time we get together in fellowship, my fire for Christ grows more and more. The only thing I've ever really struggled with is fitting in, in a world that has grown farther and farther away from Christ (however, in reality we are supposed to stand out anyway).

Rather than the fear of judgment that I have, other Christians have their lives to fear. These families are being plucked apart one by one. They are being murdered and abused. They have a love for Christ but when they show that love, they are stepping on deaths door. The pain and the suffering that they go through is something that we cannot even begin to understand or feel, if we have never been in that situation.

However, when some of us feel pressured, we (yes sometimes me too) back away and stop proclaiming God's glory. Now most of us, if any, really feel guilty when we do that. I have gotten a lot better as I have gotten older. It doesn't take much bravery here to say that we are followers of Christ, yet we still struggle with it. In the middle east, Christians are not backing down and even when death is upon them they proclaim their belief in Christ.

As this week continues, I want you to pray. Pray with everything you've got, because even though we have never met these people here on earth, they are our brothers and sisters in Christ and one day we will be joining them in heaven. I also want you to remember just how blessed we are. We have the ability to walk into a church Sunday morning and proclaim the name of Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior. So praise God and pray for His people because we are all His people.

Pay it Forward

Pay it forward is a phrase that I have been hearing a lot lately. I've seen it on TV, online, in the register checking out and a few other places. Most people know what it means, and on some scale people have been doing that for years. There were many times growing up when my parents would do something like pay for someone else's coffee in line at the drive through and other times where someone would do it for us. I have been very interested in this whole Pay it Forward campaign.

I had heard my friends say that someone did something for them, so now they would pay it forward, but I never really had that experience. Until today that is. It didn't happen to me per say, but for an organization that I volunteer for. My mom has this ongoing retail relationship with a banner company. We have ordered so many banners for so many different things. These banners are pretty reasonable cost wise, but shipping of course is the killer.

This time in particular the banners that arrived had been misprinted in one area. Which meant that the ones arriving next would also be wrong. The mistake was not made by the company, it was made by us. We called the company ready to pay for all new signs. Credit card in hand, my mom spoke to one of the workers trying to figure out the cost of what it would be. We knew that the burden to pay would be on us because, as I said before it was our mistake not theirs. However, instead of getting charged for the whole thing, they said they would take care of it. All we had to do was pay a small fee for shipping.

We were relieved and hung up the phone before realizing that we had made the same spelling mistake on the other sign as well. So we called back, again, with credit card in hand, and when my mom asked the gentleman how much she owed, he told her not to worry about it, that he would take care of it. We offered to pay for shipping and he said no.

Now we knew that this time the banner would not be done in time so we accepted that and tried to move on, but the man on the other end heard the slight disappointment in the tone of voice and asked when we would need it by. The tough thing was, that we needed it by next Wednesday, and shipping on that would be way too expensive, but he walked away from the phone for a minute and when he came back he told us that it was all taken care of.

What a blessing this was today. Something so unexpected yet so great. We immediately felt that we needed to, well, Pay it forward. So as we stop and figure out where our opportunity lays, we can step back and remember just how many blessings we actually have in our lives. In really thinking about it, one can realize that God was the pay it forward advocate. He doesn't want us to do nice things because we want something in return, its all about simply giving.

There is so much more to write about, but what I am basically saying, is that its your turn and its my turn to pay it forward. Don't wait for it to happen to you, do it because you know that God would always do it for you. Show someone else the love of Christ and the gift of giving that He has instilled in our bodies. God Bless and good luck!

His Plan For Me

Earlier this week I wrote about a decision that we had to make. I said that it was something my family had been praying about, but that I was the one holding us back. Each of us had a part in not letting it all go to God, because it interfered with the future that we desired. After many months are fighting with God and fighting with ourselves, we finally turned it all over. It was the hardest thing that I have done in a very long time. There is great freedom in letting go, and there is also great pain.

As I listened to a song by Casting Crowns today I was reminded that God is in control. The lyrics that stood out to me were, "So come on, let Me dream, let Me dream for you, I am strong when you're weak and I'll carry you, So let go of your plan, be caught by My hand, I'll show you what I can do
When I dream for you". These words have such a strong meaning behind them. We all so desperately want control of everything in our lives. We want to control the future because most of us think that we can create a better future for ourselves.

Well, I am living proof that God is in control. He is waiting for us to turn it over to Him. We honestly have no idea what He is going to do in our lives or with our lives once we turn the control to Him. Letting go of this burden hanging over our heads just about drained me of my happiness. I was seriously struggling to remain positive. I was about to lose something major. This was something that had previously been intertwined with the future that I imagined for myself. However,  I did it, I let it go and I moved on the best that I could.

Then today happened. Everything that we had been praying for, we thought was answered. We thought that letting go was the answer, but it wasn't. God showed us His future for our lives. It brought joy into our hearts. The heavy weight of the world was not only lifted (symbolically of course), it was replaced by the love of Christ. He filled our broken hearts with love, joy and forgiveness. We have been humbled today. I must say that I regret waiting so long to let Him take control.

The future that He has given me is already so much better than what I had planned. It's funny because for so long, I thought that I knew what I wanted and I thought that He would never answer my prayer. I felt unsettled and disappointed. I cannot explain too much more than this because I am still learning His plan and learning what this new, unimagined (by me) future. Let me tell you, if you have any hesitation about letting something go. Its not worth the stress and the hurt. His ultimate plan for us is already set and though we think we know what we want, His future for us is unimaginable and beautiful.

For the first time in a long while I can lay my head down to sleep and actually rest because I gave my hurt, pain and sorrow to God and He turned it around into beauty and peace.

We Have Been Made

Lately I have had an opportunity to be around a lot of new parents. First off, let me admit that when I am around them I get rather jealous. It didn't bother me until we had a baby and I poured my heart and soul into her, just to have her taken away. Since that time, all I have wanted is to feel that bond with another baby. So when I sound a tad jealous talking about things like this, its because I am. God does not want us to be jealous, and I know that some day, in His time I will have children, but I am human.

Back on topic, these new parents are in heaven with their new little babies. I am mesmerized by each of their precious children because they are truly a gift from God. Working with the foster care system, I have seen so many babies and children that are rejected and forgotten. That is the case with so many children and its a cruel reality of this world. So when I see new parents that pour their entire heart, soul and mind into loving and caring for their child, I take notice.

The one phrase that I continue to hear them saying is, "I made this". The look of pride and wonder that they have when they say that statement is unreal. In fact, what they are saying is quite true, the beautiful, perfect, precious baby was created by his or her parents. These parents have a right to be proud because that child was created out of love. I hold their children and am in awe of the living, breathing, loving thing that is in my arms.

The most recent time that I heard that statement something struck me. Just at those parents created their children, God created us. He molded us and held us in His hands. When we bring children into this world, the world does not get any better. It's still the same, rotten, heartbreaking world, but we make it good by bringing children into it. We make it good by keeping the love of Christ alive through ourselves and our children (or future children).

In the same thought, God originally created us to be perfect, in His image and we messed that up. So since then, He has brought us into this world that's full of trials and tribulations. However, He didn't bring us here to punish us, He bought us here to live in His image and spread His love throughout the world. We are children of the One true King. He is our father and I hope that one day we can get that message to everyone.

I sit here and image God sitting on His heavenly throne, proud of us (hopefully as we work through our sinful nature), and says "I made this". The truth is, no matter how old we get, no matter what we believe or don't believe, the truth is that we have been created by the ultimate Creator of all things. We tend to get caught up in thanking God for nature and for the material things that we have, but sometimes we forget to thank Him for creating us, and for creating the ones that we love in our lives.

No matter what is going on in your life, no matter what is going on in my life, that one fact remains true. God crafted us in His hand, He created us and He has a path for us. No one can change that fact, they can try to fight it, but we have been made. The next time you look in the mirror and are thinking how ugly you are, think about it through God's eyes, just like the eyes of new parents, you are His child, just like your children (or future children) are your children. We are beautiful in His eyes because He is our creator.

Through the Eyes of a Child

On Sunday night, for the first time in a long time I had the ability to run around and catch frogs. Its something that my sister and I haven't been able to do since we moved from our prior home. We used to run around for hours together (before we got all of my other siblings) and simply catch frogs, toads and salamanders. We truly loved the outdoors and we gained an appreciation for God's creation. Then today, I joined my two youngest sisters and more family, at the aquarium. I am not a huge animal person but its a beautiful thing to look at, knowing that God literally created all of it.

When we were kids, everything seemed much simpler. Kids view stressful situations different than when they become adults. I remember being able to look at things and simply enjoy them, but now I find myself looking past things because my to-do list is to long to pause and enjoy life. The stress in my life and in your lives I'm sure, is very great. You don't have to be a mom to have that pang in your chest when you are ready for bed, but the house isn't clean. There are bills to pay, kids to shuffle around, cars that need fixing, people that need helping. The list goes on.

So with everything running through my mind, about the list of chores and paperwork that needs to be done, I haven't had much time to stop and relax. I love playing with children. I always have, in fact most of the jobs that I have ever had, surround children. I am that person that stands and watches kids (the ones I'm in charge of) and wonders what they are dreaming up in their minds. I think that most of us have forgotten what its like to view the world as something beautiful, rather than something stressful.

Picking up those silly little frogs doesn't seem like such a big deal. It didn't feel like a big deal for me either until all the kids ran up to me and wanted to hold the frog. The kids lit up with excitement, literally jumping for joy over these things. Their eyes can tell you a lot about what they are thinking and feeling. Something so small attracts their attention. It brought me back to the adventures that my sister and I used to have. For a few moments I felt this sense of relief. Though the stress of trials and tribulations consumed me, for that second, it didn't matter.

I was back in my old backyard chasing butterflies, saving birds and capturing wildlife. The world was in our hands, not on our shoulders like it is now. I long to go back to that time when our only responsibility was to obey Mom and Dad, and follow the life that Christ set out for us (which is a huge deal but nothing to stress over at the time). Growing up is what we all long for as children because we don't know what it will be like.

I'm not saying that I am unhappy being a grown up, but I've lost the picture of the world that I held as a child. I cannot go back to a time that was easier, but maybe there is something that we can learn from children. Their view of the world is this beautiful, wonderful work of Christ. We have a different view because of our many life experiences that left a bitter taste in our mouths. I challenge you, and I challenge myself to take a step back and look at the world through a child's eyes, and learn to appreciate every single thing that God created for us. No matter how small it is, it was crafted by His hands. I thank the Lord for letting me view His creation through the eyes of a child the other night.

Lord Give Me Rest

For a long while now, there has been a life changing decision resting on the shoulders of my family. We diligently prayed together, and by ourselves. We kept saying that we were looking for a sign from God. That sign came for just about everyone in the family, everyone but me. When it came time to sit and talk about the issue at hand, I just kept saying that I was still waiting for my sign from God. What I am sharing with you is something that I have been struggling with for a while and I will get emotional talking about it.

To be honest, I have been praying. I haven't stopped praying for a sign, or some understanding of what I was supposed to do. God just wasn't answering me... or was He. The real problem wasn't that He wasn't answering me, it was that I wasn't listening. For the longest time what I've been asking Him, is something that I never wanted an answer too. There was so much grief surrounding the issue that I wanted things to stay the way they were so that I could hold off on the grief.

I have been struggling for so long because I have been fighting God. Truthfully I think that I knew His answer all along, but I didn't want to accept His answer. The answer that God was giving me, did not fit the plan that I had for my life. I envisioned this perfect little future, where I wouldn't have to grieve anymore, and I would just keep pushing forward.

It has been made clear to me, that the future I so desperately clung to, actually would leave myself, and everyone involved miserable. There would be more fighting and pain. I was lost, because my perfect vision was coming to an end. The thing that I had been putting off for months was smacking me in the face. There were no more subtle signs, the signs began hitting me over the head.

I have come to the realization that the future I had planned was destined to fail. The decision has been made. I know that God has answered my prayer. He didn't answer it the way that I wanted. His answer is going to bring me great sorrow. It will change the course of my life and the lives of those I love. God's plan is the only plan that can provide a better future for everyone.

Sometimes when we ask God for an answer we really aren't ready for that answer. When we know that there is going to be pain we turn away from it because we fear it. As hard as it is to think about when we are hurting, we must remember that it's a part of God's plan. No one said that we would always like His plans. He never promised that we would like His plans. So many men and women in the Bible tried to turn from God's response and follow their own path, but every single time, they failed. The only sure way to a successful and fulfilling future is by following God's path.

The grief we face will be horrible. It will hurt, it will bring me to my knees. Ignoring His answer only prolongs what we want to avoid. He is the God who takes our hurt and our grief and turns it into joy and happiness. He holds every tear and He carries us when we can no longer walk. When you finally accept His answer, and His path, there is a sense of relief. The pressure is no longer on you. It doesn't make things hurt any less, but He takes our pain onto His shoulders and gives us rest. So for me, its time to give up my control and let Him give me rest.

Praising Through the Pain

Pain is something that I have had my entire life. People have always asked me how my pain feels, and honestly I didn't want to tell them. To this day sometimes I lie because I hate the look of pity. When I was younger my peers always asked me what it was like. The best way I could explain it to them, was to say that the way they feel after a really rough sports practice, is the way that I feel all the time.

I've lived with pain for as long as I could remember. I never knew a life without pain. There were many times where I asked God why it had to happen to me. To this day, when I see kids doing gymnastics or playing a different sport every season. This is not to say that I didn't play sports, but after a few hours of playing I was out of commission for the following week. I have wondered what it would be like to run with the other kids and not worry about the pain that I was going to be in later.

However, I knew nothing but a life of pain. My parents have taught me that no matter what the pain is, its not worth giving up your life for. We have a saying in our house and it goes like this, if you focus your life on pain, pain will control your life, if you push through it, you control your life. It has changed some over the years, but this is how we live.

For years, I was bullied for having accommodations and for needing help. When I was able to drive it took me months to finally agree to get a handicapped sticker. Then it took me even longer to actually use it in a parking lot. A few months ago I was stopped by a police officer because he questioned my disability. Two months after that a man yelled at me for parking in the handicapped spot. People can be really cruel but I have gained a confidence and an understanding of my situation.

It was truly a gift from God that my family and I were introduced to the Arthritis Foundation. Through that foundation I was given the confidence to fight for myself and not let others determine how I live my life. This was derailed some because in my freshman year of college I was bullied again because someone spread a rumor that I was faking pain. Again, through that time I worked with the foundation and grew stronger.

 It wasn't until I was older that I began to realize what a gift it was, to never know a life without pain. Using my knowledge from the foundation, and my growing self confidence I was able to speak with kids and young adults that had just been diagnosed. We met someone today that, after living a life playing sports and exercising, was diagnosed with Arthritis and a life of pain.

I do believe that God gives us the life that we live for a purpose. If there is some sort of pain, physical or emotional, God will use it for good if you let Him. It took me a long time to let Him show me the good that can come from the constant pain. I have been able to use my experiences to help others, and while doing that, I am given the opportunity to either introduce them to Christ or remind them that He loves us and that He has a plan for our lives. So during this week try to think about something painful in your life and maybe reach out to someone going through a similar thing. Use your life to show them the love of Christ that is inside of you.

Give it to God

Today marks the first day of August. For about four years now, August has been my least favorite month. It brings the end of summer and the start of another new school year. It means moving out of my house and living away from my family. Though I come home every weekend, being away is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I will be the first to admit that I have separation anxiety. Every time someone asks me when I am going back to school I feel the urge to cry (I hate crying). It doesn't matter that I am barely away from home, because it still hurts.

This year in particular has been worse than ever before. As I stated before, my Grandma is dying. She is my moms best friend and she's also played a key role in raising me. There isn't enough gratitude in the world to give to my grandma. I watch as my mom spends every minute she can with her best friend. Well, my mom is my best friend. I know, what a shock (not really), but she is. I have spent every day with her this summer, night and day.

So many things have happened since school ended in May. We have suffered many losses and trouble seems to be always in our way. As we face more pressing decisions I cling to what I know and love at home. The compassion and understanding will not be there while I am at school. I am facing professors who are non-believers and who do not have the students best interest at heart. In fact one, has already been rude. I know that this semester is going to be really rough which makes this month even harder.

I say goodbye to all of my friends again as they head back to their schools. There is so much that I wanted to accomplish this summer, but they did not get done. I am stuck in this image of my life over the next few months and its looking pretty grim. I am going to struggle, I am going to break down, and I am going to face a lot. I am not ready, nor do I want to be ready. So many times I have considered dropping out of college, but something is keeping me there.

As I continue to raise my blood pressure I am left to wonder, what else could I possibly handle right now. I have gotten myself stuck in a rut both physically and emotionally. What I haven't really done, is turn it over to God. I am feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders and its far to much for me to bear on my own. Even saying it out loud doesn't relieve the stress. The only thing that can relieve my stress is turning it all over to God. This is not going to be easy, but for my spiritual life and my health, its time to let it go and give it to God. I challenge you to turn over anything that you are clinging too, or anything that is hanging over your head. Together we can give it to God.

Walking the Line

I will be entering my senior year in about a month. It is a scary thought to me because it means I have to figure out what to do with my life. More so than that, I have started becoming anxious about entering back into a secular school. I have gone to secular schools my whole life and it has never really been a problem, but this year is different. During this past summer, I spent a great deal of my time in the company of Christians. It has been an amazing summer, full of praise and worship.

When I go back to school I will be taken out of my group of Christian ladies and thrown back into the real world. My heart has been set on fire for Christ this summer. When things became stressful, or trying, my group of Christian friends were always by my side ready to set me straight on the path again. At school, I am one of few Christians. Some say that it is to be expected because I did not choose to go to a Christian school, but when it came down to school choices God brought me to Eastern.

In talking with someone today, I expressed my worries about the school year. I have some really difficult classes that are going to be both emotionally and physically taxing. This amazing Christian woman explained to me something that she had heard while listening to a devotional. She said that as Christians we walk on a line. If we walk on one side, we are completely engulfed in a world of Christians. We worship and fellowship together and its fulfilling but no one outside of that group finds you "normal".

However, if you are on the other side of that line, you are completely engulfed in the world. So much so, that people can't tell that you are a Christian because you are too much like the world. So basically you walk a very fine line. It would be nice for me to completely surround myself with other believers, but then I wouldn't really be doing God's work. Our job as Christians is to make sure that every person we can reach, knows the love of Christ and what He has done in our lives.

I had to stop and think about that for a moment. Though I am not fully surrounded by Christians at school, I know that they are supporting me in prayer. I have to be strong in my faith and share the love of Christ. We have been called upon to spread the gospel and help bring others to Christ. We cannot isolate ourselves among each other because we have a greater job to do.

This conversation today, though it lasted only minutes, gave me a new understanding of my purpose at Eastern. I challenge you to look at your life right now and figure out why God has you placed where you are. If you get discouraged, remember that God has a plan for you and that we are called to share the good news that Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior and that we will only get to heaven through Him.

We Are God's Creation

In an imperfect world, full of disappointments, and mistakes. It is easy to be caught up in the troubles of the world. I myself get trapped in the cycle of negativity. I have told you that I have gotten caught up in negativity before. Sometimes I am left to wonder whether there is good in this world. I watch as people hurt themselves, hurt each other, lose children, have loved ones pass away too soon and people who are just down on their "luck". I really have to take a step back and look around this earth, because there has to be good here.

This same place, that brings us fear, loss, pain and so much more, was created by our God. His plan wasn't to make this place so miserable, we are the ones who made it that way. We took that perfection away. So now we live in imperfection, but we have to remember that God is all around us. I am not a person who likes to think positively. I have found that when I think positively things turn out bad and I am always disappointed. I pray and pray and pray for things that I want to happen and then nothing happens. I want things done in my time in my way.

It's not just the world that we criticize negatively. I know that for myself, there are a lot of times where I look at myself in the mirror and am ready to change everything about the way that I look. People get annoyed with me for saying that I want to lose weight but in my head I have a picture of the body that I used to have and the body that I desire. So I push myself to look better. Then I think about my knee and the fact that all of the trouble it caused, really damaged my body. I have hidden the inside of my legs for years now because after the surgery I got these weird dark purple stretch marks that go all the way down to my knees.

There were times that I hated my body so much that all I wanted to do was wear sweatpants so that no one could see the imperfection. On top of that all, I have a skin disorder that covers me head to toe. I was bullied for years about it. I am not the only person who does this to myself. I have talked to others that also criticize their bodies. However, its time that we stop and think that what we are criticizing is a work that God created. He crafted us each in His image, with His hands. Before we were even a thought in our parents mind, we were being created by God. We may hate the earth, we may hate our bodies, we may hate everything in life, but lets remember that everything we hate so much, was created by the Lord.

When my uncle passed away a couple months ago, my littlest sisters had a hard time understanding why someone could get so sick living here. When my mom and dad explained (in a kid friendly way), what death and life are, the kids grew concerned. They did not understand why God made us, and yet we still get sick. Then they asked about heaven, and they now know that in heaven we will be perfect again. They still struggle at times (they are only seven) to understand why there is hurt in this world.

What do you explain to a child? Well here it goes (my version anyway), God created the sky, he created the pretty grass, he created the ocean that we love to swim in. He created you, he created the ones you love and he created me. When we pull ourselves out of the negative aspects of the world, you can start to see that there is real beauty here and that God didn't mean for us to be miserable. Good things come to those who wait (yes its cliché), so pray and start to look for things around you that are special to you and know that those are all a gift from God.

Let's Forgive

There are people in my life who have build me up. However, I also have a number of people who would do anything they could to break me down. In my heart, I know that it is really Satan working in my life playing on my fears, and my vulnerabilities. We all have people that we like and people who we don't like, just like we have people that like us and people who don't like us. It's a part of the life that we live while we are on this earth in a world of sinners, including ourselves.

I personally have tendency to hold a lot of bitterness inside myself. I don't trust many people, because they haven't given me a reason to trust them. I bottle things up and just when I think I have pushed something away, it pops right back up. My way of taking care of my bitterness is to push it aside and try to ignore it. I don't like people to see my bitterness but I have been told that I do not have a poker face, therefore almost everyone can see what I am thinking.

There was a time in my life where a group of adults hurt me. Not only emotionally but spiritually. I went through a time where all I did was ask God why that was happening to me. I had been a believer at that point and had been for years, but I was still learning. I couldn't see that it was Satan slipping in where he didn't belong and destroying things. To this day, I still struggle with those memories because they did change my life forever. When we go through something, whether its good or bad, it changes our lives.

The people that hurt me during that time have moved on with their lives but even talking about it makes me angry all over again. I cannot get my head around the fact that they were all able to move on while I am still stuck in the past, bitter, hurt and angry. These feelings come and go, but when they come I am ready to fight and stand up for myself because that's not something I could do when the incident happened.

In talking with my mom, she helped me realize that the problem isn't the fact that no one ever apologized to me, the problem is that I never brought myself to forgive them. A person that hurt me all those years ago has re-entered my life. I have been very negative about it, but that's a real problem because I cannot continue to hold that person responsible for what an entire group did, nor can I continue to hold it against this person when they have moved on.

I am saying all of this because forgiving someone after I have built up such resentment and bitterness, is not something that I can do over night. However, its not something that I can put off any longer. If God held everything I have ever said or done against me, my life would be terribly miserable. We were all forgiven at one time or another so its time that I do the same. If there is something in your life that you have been holding a grudge against, or someone you have never forgiven, pray with me this week and no matter how long it takes, we cannot give up until we give it over to God and forgive, just as we are forgiven.

Heart For Giving

What another super busy day. I had a big long list of things to do and places to be. What's funny is that my pastor just talked about spreading ourselves too thin. Others have told me that I have a tendency to do that, but as I say, like mother like daughter. My mom is a power house, if someone needs something done she does it. For my entire life I have watched her reach out and help every single person that she could. Even when our resources were getting low she always found a way to push on and move forward. I want to say that I have some of those qualities too. I don't see them as spreading too thin, because these things are what our lives are wrapped around.

My major in college is communication. I chose that field because I love all of the aspects that are under that field. I don't have one certain thing that is my focus because I love doing it all. I have volunteered for non profits from the moment that I was old enough to do something. My mom taught me the value of service. In doing so, I have realized that both her love language and mine are through giving and listening. People have always found their way to us when they have something heavy on their hearts. I feel love pouring in when someone trusts me enough to pour out their heart.

The other way that we show love is through giving. I am not a person who hugs my siblings to feel close to them. That has caused many problems in the past with people looking in on my family, but I show them love through giving. Whether that's time and service or driving them to school. With my mom, she is always buying things for other people. Even when money is tight, she finds a way to do it anyway. It is both a love language and one of her spiritual gifts.

Somehow, no matter how much we are struggling, there is always enough for us to serve others. I said earlier that it seems like we are spreading ourselves too thin. In a way I guess that we are spreading ourselves but it is so fulfilling knowing that our God will provide for us. I feel blessed for having the opportunity to give and to love through giving of gifts and service.

I trust that my God will always provide. Even though I get worn out, He gives me the strength to do what I love and show love.

Women of Christ

If you haven't noticed, I did not post a blog yesterday. Yes I know I didn't but I was fellowshipping. I had the opportunity to spend time with a group of lovely women. A large group of ladies, myself included went to something called a Woman's Sanity Night. It was put on by another local church. It was anything but a sane event. It was wild, wonderful and fulfilling. However, the only draw back was that it got over around 10:30pm. By the time we arrived home I attempted to drag out my computer but sleep was calling my name.

Growing up in my church, there were always kids that were younger than me, and kids that were older than me. For the most part, I was accepted into both age groups, but I ended up either being young than, and behind a group of kids, or I was older than, and ahead of the group of kids. By ahead and behind I mean that I was in a higher or lower grade then the kids/ youth. I found my group of friends and I loved/love them dearly but when it came down to certain problems, there was never anyone that could understand what it was like going through those problems.

So I grew up and turned eighteen. Went off to school and made some friends/ It wasn't the same though, because the friends that I made at school were non-believers. I longed to have a connection with a group of believers, where I was their equal. A group of ladies at the church attempted to include me in their circle as well because I was finally an adult, but it was still awkward and I still felt out of place.

People have come and gone from our church. I miss the relationships that I had with those who have left, but the feelings of outsiderness (that's not really a word) never really changed. Then it happened, the church which consisted of about five families began to grow. It happened slowly but it happened. Our group of ladies in the church grew and grew. Most of these women met me after I was an adult so they never had to look at me as a child. Still sometimes I find that because I look so young, people tend to figure that I am not an adult, but not these ladies.

Our group has grown into a beautiful sisterhood in Christ. I have come to know and love the women of Gallup Hill Baptist Church (not that the men and children great too). Though most of these women are moms, and I am not, they treat me as their equal. In their eyes I am an adult. There is this respect that I have never really received. I am in awe of how much prayer really works. It took longer than I had wanted it too, but that's because I wanted my life to follow my plan. I am so beyond thrilled to see this change in my life. Though I am younger than almost all of the women, it doesn't feel that way. I feel like I am their equal. I look up to these women because they are true women of God.

I am so blessed to be able to call myself one of the Women of Gallup Hill Baptist Church. We are on fire for Christ. We have become a family, and a support system that catches you when you are falling. I give the glory to God and I want every woman to know that they have the opportunity to join us because we leave NO one out. I thank God for this time in my life where I can grow and learn from other Godly women!

We Believe!

Wow, I can't believe this day is finally over. From the moment that I woke up, we were on the go doing so many things. I have to say though, that its way better than the reality that will hit at the end of August when we go back to school. I must apologize that I got not one, not two, but three of my little sisters sick. The apology comes because when they are sick the world becomes a pit of despair all around them. I praise God today though because I am finally feeling better. The best part was that I was well enough to sing praises to the Lord without coughing up a storm.

Tonight was the second night of our new worship team rehearsal. I have to say that God was roaring like a lion through the voices of many Christians tonight. It is such a blessing to be singing along side of strong Christian people. Though I am the "co-leader" I sit and learn from the two pastors that are singing with me. I have to say that I am pretty blessed to be in their company. This experience has not been an easy one in the past but we are rejoicing with God that things are looking up and getting better.

I introduced a song to the team that I have mentioned on this blog before, but its a song that has really touched my life. I was nervous about sharing it since this song means so much to me but their reactions were all positive. The song is called "We Believe". I am a person who worships through song. The lyrics to this song have a very strong meaning not only to me but to other believers. They encompass all of the things that we believe as Christians.

To understand my thought process regarding this song, I feel that one, you should listen to it, and two that I should share some of the lyrics.

"We believe in God the Father
We believe in Jesus Christ
We believe in the Holy Spirit
And He's given us new life
We believe in the crucifixion
We believe that He conquered death
We believe in the resurrection
And He's comin' back again, we believe"

These are the fundamental things that set us apart from non-believers. We believe that Jesus saved us from being punished for our sins. We may some of this aside in our daily lives but we really can't. If it weren't for God sending His only son, we would be paying the price for our sins already. He SAVED our lives, whether you believe it or not, He did it. He gave us a second chance starting the second that we are born. We are born again when we accept Christ and we are washed clean. That's what the lyrics describe.

The second part of those lyrics say that we believe He was crucified. Jesus hung on a cross, bloody and beaten so that we would not have to suffer that pain. God gave us His son to take that pain from us. That pain was real and there is no denying it happened. Again its easy to forget because it happened a long time ago, but we cannot forget it because we would have suffered that if Jesus hadn't died there.

Not only did Jesus die that painful death on the cross, but He defied everything that the adversary brought against Him. He rose from that grave and He was resurrected! Three days after His brutal death He came back again. He didn't come back to condemn us for what we (humans) did to Him, He came back to let us know again, that we were saved by the grace of God alone and nothing else.

Finally, we know that one day He will come back for us. This is not something that I like to think about or talk about. I have to admit that this part still really scares me. However, I know that its true. God will be coming back to save us yet again. I fear death but He isn't coming to bring death upon us, He is coming to take us to heaven to be with Him. We have no idea what the time frame for that is, but it will happen.

So the next time someone asks you what you believe you tell them. I believe that we were saved. I know that we were saved and that God is our ruler and that He will one day come back and save us from this broken world. We believe that one day we will be in heaven, at the right hand throne of God our father and our savior.